Fractured Rainbows

The Bed

2011-04-01T10:43:00.003-05:00

We've been in our new place for several months now and we've had plans for our second bedroom here for much longer. I was so anxious to move here. I didn't sleep for days. I knew that the moment we moved we would make the call and start things rolling. I had the names and numbers for everyone we needed to talk to, I had websites marked, and I had furniture lined up. We moved on Thanksgiving weekend. The weekend came and went, then Christmas. I thought maybe once the holidays were over I would call. Then I thought maybe once spring arrives I will call, then summer. It didn't feel right though. Friends asked us constantly how things were going, did we need any help, did we have an eta? I had to be honest and tell them I wasn't ready yet. It had nothing to do with money or Hubby or technical hiccups. It was me. I felt so sill. After all of the years, I had finally gotten what I wanted. I've wanted to adopt since I was a little girl. Lots of my friends growing up were foster children, so I had a very compassionate soft spot for adoption early on. Yet, here I was, our dreams sitting just outside the front door after so many years of disappointment. Our lives had been on hold for this very moment for years and I was the one that wasn't ready. Something strange had happened to me in all of those years though. I realized that not only did I have a dream of motherhood, but I had other dreams too. The knowledge that at any moment I could put into motion our plans to have a child, plans that would no doubt be successful this time since my body had nothing to do with the equation, was so empowering. Knowing that the dream would come true whenever I wanted it to allowed me to consider other dreams too. I want my children to know they can reach for their dreams. Our children will most likely come from a long life of disappointments and I need to show them that even adults have dreams and that it's okay to go out and get them. I wouldn't feel like an honest mother if I didn't reach for my own dreams. The ghosts of "what if" wait patiently on the sidelines. The room is an office for now. The decorations are tucked carefully into the closet in that room. We had a bed picked out. It was a white brass day bed that my sister and I had as children. We had that bed picked out long before we signed the lease here. It was a perfect little girl's bed. It would be a great reading spot for me as it had been for so many years until we were ready to put a little person in it. This weekend at a benefit for Baby Noah, I found a bed. I wasn't even looking for one. We had one. This one is a maple colored wooden day bed. It is incredibly well built and heavy. It is very simple and it needs a good sanding or a coat of paint, but it's beautiful. It was unsold so technically we could have it for free, but we paid the $25 price tag happily. It even comes with a mattress. When I saw it, I just knew we were supposed to have it. I argued for a long while in my head. We already had a bed. It needed some love too, a coat of paint, and a few extra nuts and bolts, but nothing that wasn't easily found and fixed. I mention this because I couldn't shake the pull this bed had on me. The feeling truly caught me off guard. I felt perfectly fine putting this bed into our room long before a child would sleep on it. Still, there was no doubt a child would someday be there. More than anything it shocked me that even when our plan was one of the lower things on our list of priorities, things could still fall in place to remind me that the dream would come true someday. It was as if God had sent me a gentle reminder that He had not forgotten us. That He remembered all of our plans, even the far off plans. He was telling me that He was there with us, and that His timing is perfect. Even though I had put those dreams away for a while, God still remembered that they were some of my deepest desires and He would help me reach my dreams someday. *** I have done everything I can over several days to get this post to leave spaces and paragraphs in it, but apparently it just isn't gonna work. My apologies.

The Darndest Things

2011-03-24T20:36:00.002-05:00

This year I'm working with the first grade. The kids do a center time where they rotate around the class at various activities each morning and I help one of my classes with center time. This week at one of our centers the vocabulary words were one, two, three, four, and five. Recently we have encouraged the kids to try to fit all of the words into a story, combining more than one word into a sentence.

Today one of the boys, one that struggles more than others and has a hard time catching on to things usually, set up shop at this center. Just a few minutes later he raises his hand and loudly shouts "Mrs. Arian! I'm finished!" The kids can't leave the center until I have checked their work, so I walked over to inspect his writing. Normally it takes him the entire center time to do this center so I was already suspicious. I couldn't hide my laughter when I read what he wrote though....

"I can count numbers like one two three four and five."

I almost gave him a check for ingenuity!

New Direction

2011-03-20T21:12:00.002-05:00

For eight long and very painful years I have allowed infertility to dictate so many things in my - our lives. Hubby and I have planned our dreams and our future around the possibility of me getting pregnant. We have put things off for years knowing that time was of the essence. We both agreed that we could settle for simpler things. We decided against several trips, even some overseas on the hopes that I would be pregnant and unable to go. We saved our money for medications and treatments rather than enjoying the things other young married couples enjoyed, like cruises and vacations.

Now I want it understood. We don't regret these decisions. The hope of possibility kept us afloat during these times and we learned a lot about each other. We found courage, strength, and a true love for each other. It was hard to stomach the heartbreaks, but we did it willingly, seeing the disappointments as a sort of toll on our journey.

However,

After eight years we have also learned that God is in control and we can't plan our lives for Him. We can't stop living our lives, living our purpose here on earth while we wait for one paragraph to surface. If God intends for us to have a child, He will give us a child in His own time. When he does this He will make sure that we can handle things no matter the circumstances.

Before we moved back here I was in college for nursing. I was accepted into an accelerated program that paid my way and promised a healthy income. When we moved back here, the local college had a nursing program with a waiting list of more than five years. Nursing wasn't as needed here, so a job wasn't a guarantee either. I cut my losses and went back to what I know. My mom has been a teacher all my life and teaching has always come naturally to me. The program was local, cheap, quick, and promised possibilities.

I started working at a local school in the mean time, building my resume and earning experience. The first couple of years it was okay. I even enjoyed it. Then I got moved around a bit and I realized that once I got my degree, it would be difficult to do the things I really enjoyed. There were so many factors involved though. We needed the insurance. I needed the experience. I needed keep my foot in the door to make sure I had a job later. But I kept having to shove down this feeling of unease and frustration that I was stuck.

I am graduating in May, moving on to the last two years and my future. I began getting information from colleges all over asking me to come to their particular college. One caught my eye and a whole new world opened up to me. That college turned out to be too far from home for me and I was severely disappointed, but thankfully I am no stranger to disappointment. I was able to recognize the passion and desire that my disappointment originated from. I knew I needed to take action and I started to try on a different hat. Instead of finding a different path, I started to look for ways around the obstacles on the path I wanted to take. I was surprised to find that suddenly those enormous obstacles were mere bumps and hiccups that I had solutions to. I decided to seize my opportunity and take a chance.

I don't want my future children to see me live a life that I settled for. I want them to know they should do everything in their power to see their dreams come true. Hubby and I have done that when it comes to having children, but we sacrificed so many other unnecessary dreams in the meantime. The decision is a tough one. It will mean making a lot of changes in our lives and will definitely not be the easy way out, but once the decision was made, a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and I am so excited about the future.

I think sometimes that I get so used to the disappointment and failure and I forget to hope. I don't want life to slip away from me. I have hope in this new plan. I pray that things work out, but I know that if they don't I will never regret not trying!

Poor Penny

2011-03-15T17:03:00.002-05:00

I feel terrible. I know we did the right thing but I still feel just awful.

Before we adopted Penny, we called and asked about her. We had three conversations with the people at Animal Control about her and every time they were adamant that she was spayed and had her shots. When I got to Animal Control, her paperwork had "spayed" written three times very clearly. When they tried to find her vaccination records, they couldn't find anything on her. They assumed her paperwork had gotten mixed up and gave us the number to the clinic they use.

Fast forward two weeks to her appointment. After a scheduling mix up (It's only Tuesday people. The week shouldn't feel this long!) we finally made it to the clinic. I sniffled and blinked away some serious moisture as we walked out without her. The clinic is an hour away, so by the time we made it back home they had already left us a message to call them.

I called them and found out they were going to use some of their sponsor money to pay for her spay due to the mix up. Yay! I asked about her while I was on the phone. Poor thing. They managed to put her to sleep for the surgery, and they shaved her belly. That's when they saw a very clear scar from a recent spay.

We were able to pick her up early, but we have to keep her crated all night. The medicine is hard on cats and makes them a bit nuts. Poor baby is meowing constantly right now and clawing drunkenly at the walls of her crate. I feel so bad for her. Her luck seems to be a lot like mine lately. I hope she doesn't hate us when she finally comes to her senses! I wonder, do they offer therapy for catkids?

More Capers from Penny

2011-03-14T22:30:00.003-05:00

I am firmly convinced that Penny was intended to be a part of our lives. I truly feel that God sent her to us to prepare us in a way for our future journey. It's just so easy to compare some of her behaviors to that of an adopted child. The process is taking longer than I expected for a pet, but I know with a child that process will take years, so I am actually kind of glad that we are learning. I realize that an adopted pet is a far stretch from an adopted child, but I also feel that everything happens for a reason and that all experiences are learning experiences.

A couple of nights ago we survived our first failure with Penny. We are working hard to try and show her that she doesn't have to stay huddled in one part of the house all day. I know it has a lot to do with the fact that she was kept in a tiny cage for a very long time and she hides to feel safe. I've even tried to help her find a safe place (successfully) by putting a blanket in the corner of one of the closet shelves where she likes to hide. It is now her "bedroom".

We work every day to pull her out of her hiding spot and bring her into whatever room we are in for a while, showing her that we prefer to all hang out together. She no longer hisses and runs from the dogs. In fact she sat right beside Parker today and watched him eat accepting a very slobbery doggie kiss even. At night we are trying to get her to come back into the bedroom with us to sleep. Since we found her hiding spot in there she won't come back in there with us.

Hubby picked her up a couple of nights ago to bring her in with us for a while and she panicked. She leapt full force from his arms. Hubby tried to prevent her from crashing into the wall in her panic, but only managed to change her trajectory - straight into a metal bifold closet door. Fur went flying everywhere and Penny disappeared. She refused to come out and would not even let us pet her. Hubby was devastated. He and this kitty have gotten very close.

We let her be the next day (thankfully a weekend day) and when she left her hiding spot to eat or go to the bathroom, we showered her with love. That night as we crawled into bed, four sock feet hopped onto the bed. She did not stay, choosing to return to her "room", but she loves us again. We were both afraid that we had scarred her for life, but apparently kitties can forgive.

She has a funny quirk I am certain originates from shelter life. Every single time Hubby or I walk into the laundry room where her food, water, and litter box are kept, she come running in there and hops up on the table where we keep her food bowl out of reach of the pups. It doesn't matter if there is food there or not, she has to be up there. She sits looking expectantly from us to her bowl. I didn't understand at first. I changed her water, put less food out, put more food out, petted her, all to no avail. That's when I started thinking about her living in the shelter for so long. The only interraction she had with people was when they came near her cage to change her food, litter and water out. I think it's just a compulsion to get any love she can. We've since tried to ignore her when we go in to do the laundry and instead leave the room, wait a few minutes and then go back to love her. We also work really hard to remember to go over to her hiding spot and give her attention every single time we go into the hallway. I want her to know she can get love now whenever she wants.

So far there is some progress, although not exactly what I was hoping for. She comes running every single morning as I make my ritual sprint to the bathroom for a desperate morning tinkle. She's decided that the bathroom is a great stopping point for Penny love. I hope she can finally figure out that there aren't special occasions that warrant love. Our house have more than enough love and we prefer to let it flow freely at all times!

Good-bye

2011-03-04T16:16:00.003-06:00

Noah,

You fought so hard for so long. I know your mom and your family are so proud of you for how long you held on. My heart breaks for the pain your family is feeling right now. There aren't any words for how hard this must be for them.

Your light, while seemingly small and brief, touched so many hearts. Your short time here on earth will always remind me that miracles really can and do happen right before our eyes.

I never met you, but I loved you. I prayed and hoped so hard that things would turn out ok. He apparently has bigger plans for you. Good-bye sweet Noah. It was an honor to have even the tiniest part in your life.

Hide and Seek

2011-03-01T17:46:00.003-06:00

I hope you all are prepared for the now occasional gushing of pride and delight over our newest family member. She's absolutely hilarious! I love watching her personality slowly slip out as she realizes that the shoe isn't dropping any time soon and that this is home.

I watch her do things and wonder if this is how adopted children will react and grow into our family too. It is a wonderful and fascinating experience.

Penny is coming out of her shell a bit. Last night my sister visited. Until now, Penny would not put her feet down on the carpet unless she was in a dead run to hide. Yesterday, that all changed.... My sister got up to go to the restroom and I heard her yelp, "Um... did you realize there is a cat draped over the back of your toilet? Just thought you would like to know!"

A while later I heard a noise in the kitchen. I looked up and there sat Penny on the counter, her head deep in a large bowl in the sink where Hubby had just polished off a bowl of ceral. She apparently has a thing for milk. She also stuck her head in his salad later that night to try and lick up the ranch dressing! Personality I tell ya....

She is exactly what I always hoped for in a kitty too. I have missed my reading partner for five years now. It was wonderful last night to curl up in bed with a long book and a purring kitty to close out the night. There's just something about cats and books that go hand in hand. We are going to have to work a bit on her part in all of this reading stuff. She loves books, preferably laying over the top of them belly up so that her new human can pet her. She also loves rubbing up against each page that I turn. My borrowed book has a fine layer of black kitty hair along the edges now.

The real kicker though............

This morning we lost her. She was no where to be found. We searched all of her hiding spots and then some we suspect she will eventually discover. Neither of us worried. The door was closed and there was no way she could have gotten out, so she was around somewhere. When I came home, Hubby triumphantly announced that he had found Penny. I asked where she had been. He said "Oh she's still there, follow me."

This is what I found!

Penny

2011-02-26T22:29:00.003-06:00

Our family forming decisions have been made. Until I am finished with college, it just isn't a good idea to add such a high level of stress and commitment to our plates. I want to enjoy our children when we finally get them. Having a workable plan in place with a solution that doesn't rely on my broken body, gives me great peace. It doesn't cure the ache, but it does ease it.

Until then, our home is quiet and a bit lonely. For a long time we have relied on our pups to fill the empty spaces in our lives. People laugh and we joke with them about the way we refer to our babies. They are for now, our children and they get treated that way. If one of the pups is sick, one of us takes a day off to care for them. If we go on vacation, they come with us. They are our family.

When we first moved back here, I had a cat. I loved that cat. I rescued him from the cardboard compactor where I worked. He had some issues, and he and Hubby did not get along at all. When someone shot him, I was resigned to never owning another kitty. Hubby didn't particularly like them and I didn't want to bring one into a place that couldn't give him or her unconditional love from both parents.

A couple of weeks ago, we went to this big pet store to get some things for my aquarium. It was a Saturday, adoption day, and there were doggies everywhere. Beside the aquarium supplies, there was a spot where they house kitties that are available for adoption. We played with them through the window, laughed, and went on. I had almost forgotten about it until last week when Hubby brought up a bribe. If I went with him to dinner, he would get me the kitty we looked at. I of course went to dinner with him, but refused the idea of getting a kitty.

During supper, Hubby continued to convince me that we needed a kitty. I thought he was nuts. He really wanted one. We weren't sure we could even have another pet in our apartment. We agreed to look into it and left it at that.

Wednesday night all night I dreamed over and over about asking the manager of our complex about a kitty. On the way home from work I decided that if she said yes, it was meant to be, if she said no, it wasn't. I had reservations about adding another member to our family and another level of responsibility. While Hubby really wanted one and I knew I should take advantage of this, I didn't know if I wanted one right now. The manager would make the decision for me. I nervously walked into her office and waited for her no. I reminded her that we had two puppies, not one, but she still said it would be perfectly fine. I asked her how much the deposit would be, expecting that to be the negative factor. Hubby would never want to pay another $150 deposit. She continued to surprise me by waiving the fee.

I raced up the stairs to tell Hubby. Without hesitation he told me to grab my laptop, we had a kitty to find. We did a Pet.finder search and found a shelter nearby. Hubby had decided he wanted a long haired kitty this time around. This shelter had two long haired kitties. A kitten and an adult. We didn't want a kitten and neither of us were really that in love with the adult at first sight, so I figured we would just keep looking. I looked at the shelter's site and realized they had a large number of kitties at the moment and they were waiving the adoption fee for their fixed kitties.

We took another look at their available kitties and Hubby took a second look at the adult long haired they had available. She was the one he wanted. I thought she looked a bit funny in her pictures, but I thought if he wanted this one, I needed to go with it. We threw shoes on and raced to the shelter but it closed early on Wednesdays, so on Thursday I took a half day off work and went to get the newest member of our family.

The place was tiny and they had lots of cats and dogs. I didn't even look at any of the other kitties there. I asked about the one, they opened her cage, and I just knew. She was beautiful. For whatever reason, she was supposed to be ours. It's hard to explain that to a lot of people, but I just knew. I brought her home and although there are still issues with the puppies, and she exhibits classic signs of a shelter or rescue kitty, she is settling in and quickly adjusting. She is getting very used to an endless supply of love and petting. She has even begun to explore and establish her own places in the house. I am head over heels in love and more importantly, so is Hubby!

This is how I view adoption, be it animals or children. I think God already knows how our family will work out. He knows who will be here and when. Our child or children, when they finally come, no matter how they come, were always meant to be here. I love that.

Penny was an unexpected surprise, but she is definitely where she is supposed to be. It is amazing to me how she just fits here. She is just one puzzle piece that has found its place.

Interesting Results

2011-02-15T19:22:00.003-06:00

I had bloodwork done a couple of weeks ago. I always get nervous with PCOS about my sugar readings although I never have had any issues with that.

I had a really rough day yesterday, so I decided to take today off and move my follow up appointment up a couple of days. It gave me a chance to unwind, catch up on some homework, and breathe. I wasn't prepared for the lab results I got back though.

My sugar was great. Perfectly normal, on the low side of normal actually.

On the other hand, my vitamin D was almost non existent. The doc was very concerned about it. He immediately put me on a double dose of supplements and told me to seek out sunshine. (HA!)

It made sense to me that I struggle so much with seasonal depression, but I was surprised that the levels were so low.

I'm really glad he ordered those labs. I now have ample medical reasoning to back up my plan to move to Bermuda!

We Got the White Stuff

2011-02-13T22:30:00.002-06:00

Just for the record, I am sick to death of the white stuff.

We have had more snow than I can ever remember in my whole life. In fact, we had the largest accumulation ever seen in my lifetime this year. It was really exciting.... for the first two days.

First there was the white Christmas, then the really huge snow that kept us out of school for an entire week. After that, three more snow days thanks to the cold white slippery stuff. Now, I know what you are thinking. If I work in an elementary school, shouldn't I be loving the whole snow day thing? I mean, I get out of school for the day, to curl up with cocoa and my algebra homework while Hubby toils away down the hall in his office. What could be better right?

Initially, this was true. I've had a really rough school year. I haven't enjoyed my job very much this year which is very disturbing for me. I'm working my buns off for a degree doing something I truly love. To loathe going to work each day is a serious challenge right now, however I know that it is merely the circumstance I am in right now and not my passion for what I do. Unfortunately, this makes going to work even harder.

Truth be told, since Christmas, I have cried at least once a week before going to work in the mornings (ok so two or three times a week).

Are you seeing where this is going? It took me weeks...

Not only did work cause problems, but the mere thought of delving head first into another brain-cramming semester made my heart race. I was a horrible person to be around the week before Christmas break ended. I was a miserable, anxious, weepy mess. One year earlier I was cherishing precious, but fearful final moments with my granfather amidst two jobs, and a full time college semester. That anxiety came back with every fluttering flake of snow.

School started, then college, then the snow. The more time off I had, the more I dreaded a day away from home. Honestly, I wanted nothing more than to curl up under the covers in my warm cozy bed and never leave home. I couldn't sleep, but I was exhausted all the time. My cycle even got out of whack.

A couple of weeks ago, with more snow in the forecast, my anxiety hit an all time high. Hubby was so sweet. He stayed up until nearly two in the morning because I was simply terrified. Of everything! I worried that I might crash into someone on the half mile drive to work. I worried that Hubby would die in the middle of the night and leave me alone. I worried that my math homework submission didn't go through. I worried that someone would come over before I had a chance to do the dishes. It was a nightmare... without the sleep.

That night, I finally drummed up the courage and announced to Hubby that I was taking a sick day and I was going to the doctor. He reluctantly agreed. I've managed to be off medication for 8 years.

I can't lie. The feeling of defeat was immense. I really struggled, and I still do, with the fact that I couldn't find a way to make it on my own. I feel like I let Hubby and my family down. I've always been the one everyone relied on and now I'm broken. What would they do? I also feel like I let our future children down. There's no way we can take on the stress of adoption right now, and what if they don't let us adopt because I can't handle life? It's frustrating to say the least and only adds to the anxiety I am working so hard to get rid of.

I'm almost two weeks into the medicine. I'm on a really low dose for now. I can feel it starting to help, which is a huge relief. I can finally breathe sometimes without an elephant sitting on my chest. I still have bad days. In fact right now I count life in moments and I have frequent bad moments, but things are getting better. Despite all of the feelings of defeat and failure, I wish I had done this months ago. I should have asked for help when I first realized things were going to be bad.

I'm biding my time right now. I savor every moment of sunshine. I work hard to make myself find a positive note for each day. I'm trudging one slow step at a time through the thick mud of winter. I'm working hard to wish away the white stuff and bring on the green stuff. Spring, you couldn't come any sooner!

Pray for Noah

2011-02-07T16:26:00.002-06:00

I know I haven't posted in months. School is unbelievably hard right now and a few things have taken priority unfortunately with any additional spare time. I miss you all. Hopefully, I can squeeze in my posting time from now on....

I need your help!

I don't remember if I wrote about this or not, but the girl that I run the nursery with at church was pregnant. A couple of months before her due date the doctors found an upper hernia in the baby. I don't know the technical or medical terms, but basically his organs had slipped up through a hole in his abdominal cavity and were crowding out his lungs and his heart. They gave him 0% survival chance.

Of course this would be devastating for any one, but she has already had a similar experience. She has a teenage daughter and a few years ago she ended up pregnant. Six weeks before the baby was due it died and they had her carry it until she went into labor.

I watched her work hard not to bond with this baby throughout her pregnancy. Just as her guard started to fall and she started to openly talk about the baby and even name him, she found out he was sick. When this happened you could see her resolve harden. Then she saw another specialist.

The specialist told her it was a grave situation but that he thought they had a 50/50 shot. They would do everything humanly possible for this little fella. We've been praying endlessly since.

He was born just before Thanksgiving. Things seemed okay at first. They did surgery though and were unable to separate his one good lung from his liver. It keeps him from being able to breathe on his own. He's been on a ventilator so he can grow and get stronger since then.

Not once has his mother come home. She's been by his side every step of the way. I can't imagine.

This week Noah took a turn for the worse. He has developed a lung infection from what I understand and they moved him to an oscillator hoping that would help. They had to sedate him because just touching him would send his numbers pin balling. This afternoon they updated us to say he is now on an ECMO (a lung, heart bypass machine). I'm not sure what their plans are, but they could use every prayer possible!

I can't bear the thought of her losing another baby. It is terrible to think that she has had this long to fall in love with this baby, aching for the moment she could hold him and take him home, only to lose him. If ever there was a group of women to understand where she is right now it's all of you!

I've not gotten a chance to see this little guy in person, but I have visited several times. She brings me out pictures on her cell phone every time so we can see how much he's grown. I just love him. He is such a beautiful baby. I pray that he can overcome this stumbling block and come home soon!

Happy Birthday

2010-12-13T03:24:00.004-06:00

For the first time in months I finally have an opportunity to spend some time curled up on the couch in front of the Christmas tree. Every year I look forward to this moment. It is the first snow of the year. School is cancelled and I can stay up late in the silent peacefulness of winter. With my schedule what it is, it is very difficult to find any time to do this, so when I do, I cherish and treasure every second. Tonight is no different.

I actually hate winter. I dread it with a growing anxiety every single year. As the days grow shorter, my sadness grows stronger and I fight to muddle through until the sunny green days of March. Usually I am already struggling by this time of year and I really try to embrace Christmas and the holidays to help propel me through to spring. This year, I am surprised to find that the sadness has been replaced with a quiet melancholy that only rears its head in those precious quiet moments I try to steal here and there.

I try to allow myself this. I think I need those reflective moments alone in my head to acknowledge the feelings I try so hard to put away all year. Christmas is especially hard for infertiles. I know Hubby and I have struggled quite a bit in years past over simple tasks like putting up the Christmas tree. This year there is hope. I did not hesitate to put our tree up. I wanted to embrace the hope and the happiness I had. We are in our new place, and even though our child is only a wish and a dream in our hearts, I feel content and happy.

This year my melancholy lies in memories where it should be rather than in the fear of an empty future. As the snow swirled furiously to the ground tonight I remembered the last snow we had in our small town. Hubby and I drove cautiously through the town snapping pictures to take back to my grandfather. For reasons unknown to myself, I felt it was my top priority to find a way to show my grandfather the beautiful snow that blanketed the ground. I brought the camera back to him and slowly scanned through picture after picture. It was the last real moments we shared together. He struggled to talk, but he nodded his head and smiled as the dazzling snow flashed across the screen.

I can't look at those pictures yet. He was sick for so many years and our family, without ever saying anything out loud to one another, worked hard to make sure that each Christmas was special and meaningful, especially as it became clear that our time with him was drawing to an end. I miss him so much tonight. His birthday was yesterday. I felt his absence deeply, but I am so thankful that he no longer has to suffer like he did. I know our time was spent cherishing every moment and I am so thankful for those moments now.

Tonight I will smile at the memories we had, I may cry a few tears, and then I will look forward. Hubby and I have so much to look forward to this year. In the next few days we plan to contact someone about adopting a child and hopefully this can be the last year we spend as two. I will admit, the anticipation of another year without tiny footprints running through our home is the main source of most of my holiday sadness, but for the first year I feel like I might actually have a little bit of Christmas for myself.

Hope...Finally!

2010-11-01T18:54:00.004-05:00

For the past eight years I have danced around with hope, chatted noncommitally, we even went out for coffee a couple of times, but never have I dared to invite hope into my home and especially into my heart when it came to Hubby and I ever having a child of our own.

This past week our lives took a dramatic shift.

It started with our intense determination to move into a larger apartment with our own washer and dryer. Both of us were fed up with lugging our laundry down to the laundry room every week and we were feeling a bit cramped and frustrated in our tiny one bedroom.

Within moments of handing over our deposit on a beautiful new home (that we will spend the holidays moving in to yay!) the thought occurred to both of us that we now had the space for a child without the child. This is the very reason we never moved from our one bedroom. We both sadly shrugged and my wheels started turning (Prayers also began flooding out of my heart).

After many conversations, a visit through some wonderful websites, an amazing book, and those said prayers, a miracle happened and we have both agreed that it was time to start down the path to bring our child home. Our journey I believe will not be typical, but few journeys are.

I am excited, overjoyed, anxious, hopeful, and scared to death! We are only just beginning our journey, but I can't wait to have things to share as the months progress. I need all of the advice I can get. We are hoping to adopt through the foster system. As it stands right now, we are looking at a school aged child. I would like to hear from anyone who has knowledge of this process.

Up to this point we have always considered international adoption and we focused our information gathering on there. As it is, we are a bit clueless....

And we couldn't be more excited!

Are we trying?

2010-09-28T22:51:00.002-05:00

I get this question a lot lately. I'm not sure when it became the business of my entire workplace, our church, friends, etc, but apparently it has.

I understand that they are just trying to care. They have (in most cases) a genuine concern for Hubby and I, but it rubs me the wrong way most of the time. I usually just smile, shrug, and go about my way without any real answer, but deep down I'm always rattled. Sometimes that question eats at me the rest of the day.

Why?

Well, truth is, I don't know the answer. I really don't want to be honest with myself either way. We are currently in limbo right now and I'm too scared to do anything about it. There have been a couple of times that I have reached out to grab the phone and call the doc, but I never do it. I make excuses and go out of my way to avoid thinking about the next step. I know at some point we will have to work on that, but I just can't.

Every time I think about opening the closet where I keep all of the horrible facts of my infertility tucked out of sight, I get physically ill. My heart starts to race, my palms get all sweaty, and I feel like I can't breathe. I get an overwhelming urge to throw up. I like being in limbo. There are possibilities and no certainties all at the same time. No one can say I can't, although no one will ever tell me I will.

Most of the people closest to me, even my family, think that it's all because of the provera. I tell them we can't think about anything right now because I'm on provera to keep the evil cancer cells away. Every time I say that I hear the words of my doc echo in my ear, "Call me the moment you become pregnant. It is a very real possibility now." My doubt usually laughs when this happens and I shake my head and move on.

In my own mind I have moved on to adoption. I just skirt over the entire issue with a whole new solution. Still, I keep up with my cycle and I get antsy after every refill of provera. I question when my body gets out of sorts and I cling to the tiniest shred of hope sometimes.

So am I trying? Well I guess the answer is I'm not not trying.

Today I Am Missing You

2010-09-26T02:44:00.002-05:00

My Dear Sweet Baby,

Today my heart aches to be near you. I have never felt your chubby fingers grasp my own. I have never gotten the chance to breathe in your sweet smell as I kiss the top of your soft head. I've never snuggled you close or rocked you to sleep. My heart does not yet know the melody of your laughter or the pain of your tears. Someday we will share all of these things. Someday I will look deep into your eyes and we will both somehow know of the journey it took for us to be together.

I long for that day. I wait patiently, desperately. I pray fervently for that day to come soon. There are days that my pain is unbearable. The emptiness I feel that only your giggles will heal overwhelms me. Some nights I awake to my own outstretched arms, reaching out to you, but never touching you.

I know our eyes have never met on this earth, our hands have never touched, but today I miss you as if we had been together for an eternity and suddenly you were gone.

Reaching out

2010-08-19T23:16:00.003-05:00

I have a really hard time with friendships. I've had things happen in my past that make it difficult for me to allow anyone into my world. I didn't realize until recently how much I hold back with the friends that I have now. A lot of it has to do with my past, but there is a significant portion of my discomfort with other people that originates with infertility.

I have a hard time making new friends because most of the people I know already have kids and there is just no common ground with them. It hurts a lot to hear them talk about having something I want so badly too. I was never a real eager friend getter, but now I actually find myself sabotaging potential friendships just to avoid the heartache.

I hate that I do this. I really try to push outside of my comfort zone and reach out, but I just can't. I miss having a really close friend to share my true secrets with. I feel isolated sometimes and lonely, like something is missing.

Today I got really brave. I called an old friend of mine. We were really close. Some things happened and I pushed away from her completely a few years ago, but I miss her terribly. She always understood me before, better than anyone. I could tell her stuff I can't even tell my husband because she just gets it, how my crazy mind works. We met at the park today and talked. She invited me to her house, but I wanted a neutral place where I could feel safe. It was great! There was no awkward silence or discomfort between us. I felt like I always have with her. I could tell her anything and she did the same.

We talked for about two hours and I felt as if someone had lifted a huge weight from my chest afterwards. I finally felt free from some of the crazy thoughts I store up because most people would consider me insane if they knew half the stuff I over-rationalize and internalize. It took a lot of courage to call her up, but it was worth it and I know it won't be the last time.

I'm sad that I can't open up with the other people I call my friends and I am going to try to work on that a bit, but for now I'm just happy for small steps. Never underestimate the power of a friendship!

Visions

2010-08-13T15:53:00.003-05:00

I'm usually really good at distancing myself from my own pain when friends have babies. I genuinely share in their joy and I have no trouble wishing for their own happiness despite my own painful journey. Their journey is different and I would never ever want anyone to walk this path.

Today things were different.

I fully recognize the blessing that my friend and her husband have gotten and I truly feel nothing but joy for them, but there is a dark shadow that hangs over her name in my mind.

We've been friends since middle school. She lived an hour away and I only got to visit her when I stayed with my grandmother, but when we were together we were great friends. When Hubby and I got married Hubby went to basic training and I stayed with my grandmother while he was gone. When he came back we got the only real positive pregnancy test I have ever gotten. My friend at the time was pregnant and I was overjoyed to be able to share such a special time with her.

By the time I got to the doctor I wasn't pregnant anymore and she still was. It made my loss even more painful. I felt like the only girl in class that didn't get a birthday party invitation. I haven't talked to her since. I follow her on facebook, but I carefully avoid all of the pictures of her little boy, and I don't actually talk to her, I just keep up with how she and her family are doing.

Yesterday she gave birth to her second son. I'm so happy for them. He's beautiful and I couldn't help but look at her new profile picture. I clicked on it to see it in full size and all I could do was stare.

The new baby didn't upset me, but looking into the eyes of that new big brother took my breath away. All I could think of was "My baby should be that big."

I looked at his hands and his ears thinking about how our son or daughter would look now and a familiar ache settled into my heart. I hate that I can't be as close to my friends as I used to be. I hate that pang of jealousy I feel and the anger and frustration that almost always follows these moments.

It's days like this that I realize infertility robs us all of so much more than just holding our child in our arms.

As if that wasn't enough.

That Which Makes You Stronger....

2010-08-10T10:39:00.004-05:00

Almost always sucks!

Aunt Flo has landed and she sunk her claws in deep this time for a nightmarish week of red. Sometimes I hate provera and all that it puts my body through. There is no option anymore though. I can't just say "Oh I wanna take a break for a while." The provera is my lifeline. It is the only line of defense I have against cancer right now.

There are days like today when I wonder if all of this is really worth it. I wish I had a crystal ball and I could see a fuzzy outline of the future. If I knew there was no chance of a live baby in my future, I think I would beg the powers that be to remove this mess and let me move on.

Hope is a dreadful thing sometimes.

A Family Affair

2010-08-03T23:21:00.002-05:00

We recently went on vacation with Hubby's family and of course the first question from everyone was "When are we going to have little people from you guys?" Every single person pulled us aside or brought it up at the dinner table at some point throughout the ten day vacation. Hubby has always been great at fielding these questions for me and he went to bat against his family for the millionth time. We got lots of wonderful advice and many suggestions like take a cruise or forget about it or stand on your head.

This time was different though. We got brave this time and tested the waters a bit with adoption talk. One of our main fears for a long time has been his family's reaction to us adopting, especially if we chose to adopt internationally or if we adopted a child of a different race.

At first the conversations were okay. Everyone agreed that it didn't matter if we adopted or where we adopted from. They all encouraged us to do what we felt was right and assured us they would love any child of ours no matter what.

This lasted about two days.

Then we found ourselves pulled aside from time to time to discuss the issue. "Why couldn't we at least adopt in the US?" "We'll support whatever you decide, but we really wish you would choose a child that would fit with our family." We understand your feelings about adoption, but don't you owe it to yourselves to try again for a biological child?" "We'll love whatever you bring home, but you owe it to the child to try and find one that looks like you."

We both fielded these questions as politely as we could. I was proud of hubby for not losing his cool. He held his own which surprised me because I often feel like he doesn't listen to me much about this stuff.

It took about a week after I got home for everything to really simmer.

To be fair, we have enjoyed many opinionated conversations with my grandmother too and at one point I decided I would refrain from any family expansion attempts until she had passed because I couldn't bear to have her say something to me or my child. Since then I have realized that it isn't up to her or anyone else for that matter. This is our child. A child we want and ache for every single day.

It infuriates me to have someone give me permission to parent a child much less under certain conditions that make them feel more comfortable! At the same time my old fears surface. I am terrified to bring a child into our family that may be subjected to these opinions and feelings. How do I do that? Is it fair to my child? Do I truly consider these close minded opinions on which child will be most preferred in our family? I want my child to feel equal and loved and cherished by every one of his or her family members. Even though we see most of these people two or three times a year, I don't want my child to feel different or unloved in their eyes. I know in our house, no matter where our child comes from or what our child looks like, that child will be ours, is already ours in God's eyes. The stork just took a different route.

Has anyone else dealt with these issues? How did you manage to keep your anger and frustration at bay? Did you take their feelings into consideration or did you find a way to tactfully tell them to kiss your tush?

Cravings

2010-07-31T10:06:00.002-05:00

Provera does some strange things to my body. I'm not sure if anyone else has ever had this particular side effect, but I get cravings. I thought for a long time it was in my head, but during my ill fated break from provera I forgot all about it. It wasn't until the second day of desperately trying to get my hands on 'just - one - more - strawberry' that I realized it was happening again.

This week is a provera week and once again I am slave to the "can't get enough, I have to have it Now!" cravings. This month is tomatoes, and thankfully my mother has been visiting our Amish friends so I am fully stocked on the ruby goodness of fresh, out of the garden tomatoes!

At first I was a bit upset with my body for such an insensitive side effect. I mean if I can't be pregnant, why subject me to such horrible symptoms? Once I got over my grudge, I realized it's actually kind of funny. My craving is different every month. Sometimes I devour peanut butter or chocolate. Most of the time I would cut my arm off for some sort of fresh fruit or veggie (my waistline thanks me for that). Hubby and I jokingly guess what I'm going to crave each month and we are almost always wrong, but at least it gives us something to giggle about in all this mess.

The Controls

2010-07-30T04:05:00.002-05:00

I think for me one of the hardest parts of this whole infertility journey is the lack of control. As I struggle through the normal difficulties that life presents, I am forced to hand over control of the most basic desire for any woman. Granted, I realize that all women are at the mercy of fate when it comes to having children, however for infertile women, there isn't even a level of control with the amount of disclosure we are willing to give all sorts of people on the most intimate aspects of our lives.

Sure there are doctors that probe and question our methods. There are plans, pills, and opinions. The appointments are intrusive and frustrating and often I am left feeling exposed and confused. But there are also the voices of family members, friends, and sometimes not quite acquaintances. Those voices that insist on making sure you understand their feelings and concerns. You know, so that when you are struggling to create your family, you will be sure to consider their desires before making any decisions (but that's a whole other post).

During such a whirlwind of uncertainty, as an infertile, I am forced to follow a strictly controlled protocol of medicines, times, temps, and do's and don'ts. It is as if I am caught in the force field between two repelling magnets, being pulled first one way then the other. Then, as if this isn't enough to cope with, someone brilliant genius pipes in with those ill fated words.... Just relax!

A Spoonful of Sugar

2010-07-23T01:19:00.002-05:00

For the past few months I've really been struggling with some things. I tried, as I am unfortunately wont to do sometimes, to handle things on my own, but I think it got out of hand a bit. During our latest vacation with the in laws, my anxiety got the best of me and now I am really struggling to keep my head above water.

When Hubby and I met, I had some serious issues with anxiety and I was under the care of a doctor that thought the solution to every problem was more medication. I was a terrified zombie. None of the meds worked well and I could barely function. When we got married, I took a huge step and came off of them. I've worked really hard to stay off of them ever since.

I think I feel like if I go back on meds, I am a failure, like I let these irrational thoughts get the best of me; but I have to function, and right now I'm not doing so great at that. I look at my schedule this past semester and then forward to the fall schedule I am about to have to tackle and meds don't look like a bad idea anymore. At least I could make it through an exam without falling apart.

This is where infertility once again takes a firm stand in every aspect of my life. Hubby and I have seriously looked at adoption. We have a plan in place even. It is a long term plan, but a plan nonetheless. I don't want to jeopardize that. I've noticed on the criteria for several international adoption areas (namely China) that anxiety or depression meds can disqualify you. I hate to think that because I don't have my act together now, I will ruin our chances of adopting a baby in the future. I also wonder how anxiety issues would affect a domestic adoption or sway the vote when doing the initial home study and such for any adoption.

I would really like some input about this. I'm trying to work through things on my own, but with the school semester starting in less than a month, I think talking to my doctor might be a good idea. I have to keep telling myself that I would not be a good mother - even to future children that we may or may not have - if I didn't take care of myself during the process. It's hard being a mother to a child you can't have yet.

Ode to Provera

2010-07-19T23:55:00.002-05:00

Dear, dear provera!

I'm so sorry that we parted ways for so long. I will never allow myself to be found drifting through the red seas without you again! I am so grateful that you willingly came back into my life without any grudges or anger. How could I ever have been stupid enough to believe that I could cope with that dreadful aunt of mine without you by my side?

Thank you ever so much for promptly dismissing that nasty ole' acne and her hideous lack of social grace and timing! Thank you for helping me remain calm and control my wacky mood swings! (Hubby thanks you for that as well!) I appreciate the remedy you supplied me for those horrible hot flashes (just in time for July too!). I also underestimated the amount of support you offered me when fighting those terrible urges to consume mass quantities of icky sugar and carbs. Thank you so much for all you do!

I now realize that no matter how much I loathe visits from dear ole' Auntie Flo, it is imperative for our family's future that she visit as scheduled each month and I can't thank you enough for helping me beat her into submission when she does pop in for a few days.

I really wish you wouldn't cramp my style quite as much as you do, and the whole hair falling out thing is a bit much don't ya think, but I guess you were right, it is July and it needed a bit of thinning anyway. I guess no friendship is perfect right?

I look forward to seeing you in the coming days. Stay close and expect me to call on you regularly from now on!

Sincerely,
She who remains childless (for now)

Negative

2010-06-11T12:30:00.003-05:00

I have a secret. I haven't taken my provera since April. It started out innocent enough. I just put off getting the script refilled for a few days, then a week went by. I wanted to set my visit from af up for a better week of the month I kept telling myself.

April came and went, then May, I held my breath. AF never once reared her ugly head. Red flags should have been screaming at me to take my meds, but I opted out for the underdog - hope. I stopped at the store on multiple occasions to buy a test, but chickened out every time. What's the harm in another week I would think.

June came into focus and I started to get a little nervous. Hubby finally said something and we both agreed I should test. I did once. I threw it away after two minutes, came back later for a shower and there were two lines. I rolled my eyes and waited another week.

Which brings me to today....

I thought I would burst as I waited in line, still in my pajamas at the dollar store just down the street from our house. I had to pee so terribly bad, but I just needed to get through the checkout line. Of course there were six people in front of me, and one cashier. I've never had to wait in line at this store for more than one or two people and I've lived here my whole life!

Got home, finally got the drops into the test, pulled out a wad of tp, and after three stinking months, there she is. Yes af had dropped by. I'm sure she was just dying to see the look of disappointment on my face as I stared at the stark white window.

Hope hopped on a plane and flew to another country this morning.

Unfortunately, this isn't the most horrible part of this whole mess. I was on provera to keep things out of my uterus, namely cancer. I haven't taken it in more than three months. I can scarcely breathe when I think about the buildup of sick cells in my body right now. How could I have been so stupid? I've called in my script already and I guess we'll start over, but this time there will be no hope in this house to get us through the tough times.

Inquiring Minds

2010-05-04T23:35:00.002-05:00

Every year it happens. I am usually more prepared and handle the situation better than I did today. Usually, the questions don't probe as deeply as they did today. Normally, I can manage to smile and walk away with only a medium size butcher knife in my heart. Today, none of that happened.

I work in an elementary school. Most of the kids in my school are poor and come from broken homes. I'm always shocked at how long it takes for them to put it together that Mr. Hubby and Mrs. Arian really are married. Unfortunately, once that happens, the questions begin to surface and I try to tuck tail and run.

Today two of my favorite students were in lunch. Out of the blue one of them said to the other "Don't you think Mrs. Arian should be pregnant?" The other girl nodded and they looked up at me as if they had just stumbled on the greatest idea ever.

Mrs. Arian, do you have a son or daughter?
No sweetie, I don't.
But you should. Everyone has a son or daughter. Why don't you?
I'm not sure.
Well, you would be a great mom. You should talk to Mr. Hubby.
Oh yeah?
Yeah. How long have you and Mr. Hubby been married?
7 years.
Wow! That's a long time. Don't you want a son or daughter Mrs. Arian?
Yes, I want one very much, but it just isn't the right time.
Well, we think you should have a baby.
I'll see what I can do.

These conversations absolutely break my heart. I love my kids and I love their innocence. I wish it was that easy.

Floaties

2010-05-02T19:53:00.002-05:00

I knew I should have invested in those extra swimming lessons last summer! It is seriously nuts where we live right now! Thank the Lord I am home finally, and only my socks and shoes are dripping wet.

My dad and I had planned on rehearsing some music for Mother's Day (I got conned into playing for the service and I usually skip church on that day altogether!). I left around 4 o'clock to meet him at the church before evening services.

When I pulled into the church parking lot I was shaking all over and crying. I ran into four spots on the main highway in our town that were covered over with water; one of those spots had about 8 inches of water. There are no streams or rivers anywhere near this road, there just wasn't anywhere for the water to run off. I haven't gotten that scared in a long time!

After church my parents followed me home and we took a different route. My sister called us before we left. The town she worked in was under a forced 6pm curfew and the police came in and shut them down. They put the curfew in place to keep people in their homes and off the roads.

People keep saying "It just happened so fast." I always wondered about that, I mean shouldn't you be able to see water building up? I sing a different tune now. Before I left for church, it had only been raining about a half hour. Within half an hour, roads that had never ever flooded and were no where near a water source were under water. It really did happen before anyone had a chance to react.

Please pray for everyone in Tennessee and the surrounding areas that are affected by all this water. Thank goodness Hubby and I live in one of the highest areas of our town, and our town hasn't been devastated. Many towns were not so fortunate. One woman that was rescued today escaped with nothing but the sweatpants and t shirt she had on. She didn't even have any shoes. Another woman and her two very small children were stranded in an attic. Her mother pleaded with news reporters who broadcast her cries to save her daughter and grandchildren. They could hear them screaming for help, but could not get to them. Thankfully emergency responders managed to get through and rescue them in time.

Schools here are closed tomorrow and hopefully waters will recede throughout the week. Until then, I'm wearing my floaties to bed!

The One That Got Away

2010-05-01T21:52:00.002-05:00

In the first year Hubby and I were married, we were certain we would get pregnant right away. We were young and very naive about the ways of the world and about raising a child. We got married in January and Hubby enlisted in March. He thought it would be the best thing to do for his family, so he packed me up, sent me to my grandmother's house and flew off to basic.

He never made it past the first week. The recruiters had tried to slip him under the radar I guess and never told anyone about his left eye. Hubby has near blindness in that eye and a degenerative genetic disease. Once he got to basic, they took one look at his eye and sent him home.

It took 22 days for him to be processed out of the army and back at home. During that time, one of my best friends died, my grandmother, unknown to any of us, began the first stages of dementia, and my hormones started doing somersaults. When he got back, there was so much going on that neither of us thought anything about children for a couple of months.

One day he brought it up out of the blue, "Umm when was your last period?"

Half an hour later, we were sitting in my grandmother's bathroom with a test. It was positive. We were so sure I was pregnant. We were over the moon.

It took a couple of weeks to get in to see a doctor, by that point I had already started and stopped bleeding. I went anyway. They did bloodwork and it came back negative. They did an exam and the doctor said "Well whatever was there, if it was there is gone now. Want some birth control pills?" I politely refused, dressed, and ran out of there. I was uneducated in what to expect, what had happened to me, and how to respond to a terrible doctor that saw me as uninsured and unimportant."

We don't talk about that time in our lives now. One of my best friends found out she was pregnant a few months before all of it happened and I don't even talk to her now. Her baby has already started school and they have another on the way. I avoid looking at pictures of her little boy. I just can't bear to see him.

Knowing now what my body has gone through, I'm not sure we were truly pregnant, but it sure felt like it. The loss was there and it hurt so much. Still, I don't tell people about it. I don't talk about it and I don't join into loss discussions. I don't feel like I belong.

I do think about it often though. I think about that baby and what it would have looked like. I imagine what life would be like if we had a child about to graduate kindergarten and I wonder how different our lives would be.

My friend is at 22 weeks now and the doc has put her on bedrest. I see her online every day and I try hard every single time to work up the courage to say hi. I just can't. I put up a wall around that part of my life and I'm not strong enough to break it down. I know if I talked to her it would open up a floodgate for the past to come pouring in. I feel guilty, but I can't move past the fear.

I feel more anger than anything. I wish I had never taken that test. I wish I had never dared to hope that the things I was feeling were real. How can I grieve for a child when I don't truly know if they were there in the first place? How can I not grieve when there is a chance?

Final Papers

2010-04-25T22:52:00.002-05:00

Finally! I wrote the last of my papers for school last night. I still have three finals and a final project, but those will be fine now that I have all these papers out of the way.

I learned a very valuable lesson this semester!

Do not take three writing intensive classes in one semester! The stupid topics chosen by college professors and the oppressive requirements do not help you further your writing and it makes life miserable! 6 papers in 7 days two weeks in a row is too much for any human being (especially one that works full time and runs a household)!

Two more weeks of classes and three weeks of teaching and I can take a few weeks off.

Now if I could only get someone to field all my requests and give everyone a very quick no before I have a chance to cram my summer full of projects, I might actually get a breather!

Fraud

2010-04-18T23:17:00.002-05:00

I've been such a bad poster, but I'm having serious issues right now. I really need some help I think trying to deal with all of this. I've been hiding out since last March and I just can't do it anymore.

Last March was our last real attempt at having a baby. I was at my wit's end and a month after that last try I ended up with the shingles. The doc explained that it was my body's way of telling me to chill out. We decided to step away from ttc for the summer and take it easy. Then September came and I had surgery. It all went downhill from there.

I backed myself further and further into a dark corner and tried to pretend nothing was wrong. I worked hard to convince people that I was taking care of myself for a while and putting ttc on the back burner was my choice. I smiled and spent a couple of months convincing everyone around me that I was okay and I was happy about what was happening to me. I quit posting here because the cursor demanded the truth and I couldn't even look at the truth in print without this huge fear that I would fall apart.

More than a year later and fifty pounds lighter, I realized things are no different. I didn't save myself from any pain at all. I didn't even tell Hubby last month when I skipped out on my refill and missed a cycle of provera. I snuck a pregnancy test into the bathroom when I was a week late and angrily refused to cry when no line appeared. Three days later the test proved true and I found myself wanting to curl up in a ball and give up. I'm sitting here typing to you now with fresh shingles scars and a very real threat of a new flair up. Doc told me it was the stress from school. I know some of it is from the residual winter anxiety that never went away after my grandfather died.

I tried hard to be stoic and brave in the beginning, when that didn't work I thought I would hide and defiantly deny any desire to expand our two to three. Truth is I am a huge ball of mess. I hate this. I'm not sure how many more days I can walk into this house and be greeted by silence. I heard a speaker at a Women of Joy Conference I went to two weeks ago. She said "I don't want this to be my story". I burst into tears at that comment. Her story had nothing to do with mine, but it was so true. It is what I have felt all along. This shouldn't be my story. This wasn't my plan. Give this story to someone who doesn't want kids.

I dream all the time that I am standing in an open field shouting at the heavens with my fists raised in anger demanding that someone send us our child. Just an fyi, that doesn't work either.

I met up with a very dear and special person last night. He and his wife saw me through some of the darkest times of my life. They chose early on not to have any children at all. He made a comment last night that it was the best decision they ever made. I never said a word. I just sat back and thought "Could Hubby and I ever be happy with that life? What if we spend all of this time hoping and praying only to find that we have wasted our lives chasing a broken rainbow?" The thought was too much to bear and I ordered another round.

Sometimes I wish I had never wanted a child. I think if I can just convince myself that I would be happy without one that I could just move on and forget all of this pain. I feel guilty because God has blessed me with a chance to love so many children that needed me in one way or another when their parents couldn't. Why can't that be enough?

I know thanks to all of you wonderful ladies in the trenches with me and those of you who have been there before that I am not alone. These feelings are okay. Still, how do you go on with life when you have this painful poison stirring inside of you? Is there a way to make it all okay again?

There is No Reverse

2010-02-11T17:05:00.003-06:00

I hate that. I hate that there is no reverse in our lives, a magic button where I could just revisit moments and treasured jewels in my life in vivid reality over and over again. Unfortunately, I fear that people like me are the very reason we do not have this ability as human beings.

Hubby and I were about to go to sleep a few nights ago and I mentioned this to him. He sort of chuckled and brought up Hiro from "Heroes" which we have recently started watching. We both agreed that I would be the worst Hiro in the world. I know that time and time again, I would rewind time to revisit those that I miss and love. I would bypass saving the world, putting it off over and over again as I waltzed through my own personal time line savoring every moment.

This week has been very difficult. It is one of the worst parts of losing someone you love - that morning when you have to return to work and a regular routine. It is hard to watch the world continue to spin while you try to figure out how to fill the hole in your heart and jump back into life. It reminds me of when I was a kid waiting for just the right moment to jump into the ropes as their lines spun over and under, over and under.

This has bothered more than I expected. My grandfather was sick for many years and I have jumped at the phone every single time it rang for nearly ten years. I still jump. Then I remember. My family seems to be handling things really well. I see the strength in my mom and my grandmother and I feel like a coward. I try to put on my strong face and muster the strength to make it all day without any tears. Every day this week, I have taken a quiet lunch in a secluded room so that I can cry alone.

I lie awake some nights and think about our plans. In May we will begin the process of bringing new life into the family again. If we are successful, this little person will be the first one in our family to never know my grandfather, it will be the beginning of a new generation. I try so hard to turn my face forward and carve a path for the future, but I catch myself looking over my shoulder from time to time.

Thank goodness, I'm not a Hiro.

Farewell to a Hero

2010-02-04T22:08:00.003-06:00

I've known for a long time that this post was coming. I knew the title of it and had even mapped out some of the things I would say. Still, I kept hoping and praying that God would keep pushing that day further and further into the future.

As a kid in school when we had those "Who is your hero and why" essays, I never had a solid hero per se because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings by leaving them out. It was always so important to me as a child that no one's feelings ever got hurt and they never ever felt that I favored one over the other. I shed many tears over the torn ache in my heart as I decided whether to go with my parents or stay at my grandparents' a few days longer. I always based my decision on who I thought sounded the most disappointed or hurt about my choice.

Not long after I got married, I realized who my hero was though, and I also realized that he had always been my hero, I was just too afraid to admit it out loud to anyone. My grandfather passed away this afternoon. He had been sick for over 12 years after miraculously surviving a very serious aneurysm rupture in his stomach while out feeding his cows. His battle to survive that only bolstered my admiration and love for him as did the long road of recovery for many years after.

He got very sick with an infection a few weeks back and the doctors were gentle and honest with all of us, including him. They didn't think he would make it out of there but he surprised them as he always does. Because of the constant and complicated medical care that he needed, he had to be moved to a nursing facility. Once there, we knew he would never leave. He fought his infection and subsequent delirium to spend a week or so talking at very brief intervals with each of us and allowing us all to say goodbye. Last night, he told everyone that he just wanted them to stop everything and let him go. It was the last thing he told us.

I feel like my heart is breaking in two. I keep thinking of the last thing we shared alone together as granddaughter and grandfather. I stayed with him while my aunt went to pick up her children from school and he happened to wake up for a while. I was reading one of my assigned books for class and he asked me to hand him his book off the table. He hadn't been able to read for several weeks by that point, but I understood his point. I helped him open the page and try to steady the book in his hands. He read maybe a page before he dropped the book. It was too hard for him to hold it. He looked up at me with heartbroken eyes and said "Hon, I can't read anymore."

I sat in the parking lot that night before going home and sobbed. That was one of the things we had always shared together was our love of books. When we were together, you could usually find us on the couch eating quartered apples out of a bowl between us as we sat together silently, lost in our book worlds. He told me that day of several authors that he knew I would like and told me to go to the house and get those books soon. He'd been wanting me to read them. I will go someday and get that box of books and one by one my hero and I will read them together again, only this time, I will have to eat the apples alone.

My bike; a love/hate relationship

2010-02-02T11:27:00.000-06:00

For Christmas, my husband and my parents bought me a recumbent bike. I had been walking, mostly outdoors, and by December it was just too cold to walk outside for any length of time. The bike not only allows me to exercise indoors, but it helped me burn more calories in a more effective and low impact way.

With my schedule, it was hard for me to consistently exercise every night. I had to let Hubby take over some of the household chores and I had to really push myself to stick to it, but after a couple of weeks, I had a routine carved out each night before bed. Now, I don't sleep well unless I have exercised first.

I bought a bike with a full seat on it. It has a tall back on it to prevent lower back strain and allow for comfort. I love that I can do other things while riding which has helped me to stick with my commitment more easily.

At first, the bike and I argued. I had to really dig deep to work up to an intensity that I felt was effective. After about fifteen minutes, I would start to get crabby and tired, but I kept pushing through because I knew I could do it if I really wanted to. Usually after about a week of consistently trudging ahead, I could feel the workout getting easier. I try to constantly challenge my body, so I never keep it easy for more than a week.

The past couple of weeks, things with my grandfather have been really bad. He is slowly fading from us, and its been really hard on me. At first I skipped the bike, but lately I have been craving it. I didn't realize how much I relied on that half an hour for myself. I tend to lean more on my ipo.d these days and I've moved the bike into the living room, so that I can workout alone (Hubby's computer is in the bedroom). I picked out a handful of uplifting, happy songs, that help me to set a positive, fast pace for my workouts, and I often lose track of time now. Sometimes on the weekends I may exercise for an hour if Hubby doesn't do an occasional time check.

It feels so great to finish my workouts now. I stop pedaling and I feel a true sense of accomplishment and energy. I feel revived and uplifted. I love that I have been able to find a positive outlet for my anxieties and frustrations. When I have a bad day, those are the days that I walk in and head straight for my bike. Hubby knows that this is my time to vent and relax. It's my escape.

I'm telling you all of this, because many people fall off the resolution wagon towards the end of January. They get frustrated and overwhelmed. This is the time to push the most though. It is important to make the most of your time. Do what works for you. Instead of thinking that you are going to have to squeeze in some time to exercise, allot a specific time, and make it all about you. If you like television, watch television, if you like music, get you some positive tunes to help you pass the time. If you need to be quiet, turn everything off and focus inward. Let your family members know that this is your time, and you need their support to keep going.

The first time that you end a workout and feel the stresses of the day fade away is an empowering and addictive moment. If you can strive for that moment in all of your workouts, not only will you look forward to your workouts, but you will also find that you are better equipped to deal with stressful days and frustrating situations.

I hope this helps encourage even one person to stick with their routine and push forward into spring.

Endometrial Biopsy

2010-02-01T10:22:00.002-06:00

I've been putting this post off. I'm not sure why. It wasn't one of the worst procedures I have endured by any stretch of the imagination. I think there is just so much anxiety and fear that surrounded this particular doctor's visit, and emotionally I just wasn't ready to go back there.

It is important to me that I tell you about this procedure though. Most of the fear that I had built up was thanks to good ol' Dr. Google. The things I read there were horrible and sounded dreadfully painful. My doctor kept assuring me that it wasn't painful at all, but Dr. G can be mighty persuasive sometimes.

Before the exam, the Nurse Practitioner came in and saw my trepidation (it didn't help that she was carrying in wire cutters). She laughed and took the time to show me everything in the kit that they would be using. It is a very simple brush on a stick. The wire cutters were to cut the brush off into the sample container. I felt better after she showed me this. The brush is very small and it is sheathed during insertion so that you don't feel the bristles.

The doctor came in and prepped me just as he would for a pap smear or a regular exam. He put a speculum in place, swabbed iodine on my cervix and proceeded to insert the brush. My case would have to be an exception of course. The brush is on a flexible wire and my cervix gave too much resistance for the brush to go in.

The nurse brought in a sound to help guide the brush into my uterus. I will not lie to you. This was a very uncomfortable moment. It was painful, but not unbearably so, and as I have said before, I have been through many other experiences that hurt much worse than this did. Usually the sound is not even necessary, but I thought I would mention it, as this is as bad as it gets.

Once the doctor was able to move past my cervix, he took a quick swab and that was it. The whole thing took about five minutes and the residual pain was very minor. It took about a week for my results to come back, but my procedure was done three days before Christmas, so I expected a long wait.

Just some tips in case you find yourself in this situation...

Bring a pad. The doc told me I would spot lightly for a day or so. I actually had a full on period. Some of that has to do with the way my lining is though, so I'm not sure what you should expect normally.

Take something. The NP talked to me several days before and told me to take three ibuprofen about an hour before the procedure. Thanks to that tip, my husband and I actually went shopping after I returned home from the doctor. The small amount of pain I had was gone the next morning.

I hope this helps. I don't think the biopsy would have been near as bad if someone had explained to me what the procedure was ahead of time instead of leaving me to consult Dr. G.

Yes, I'm finished with my homework...

2010-01-24T21:36:00.003-06:00

Ever feel like you are swimming to catch up with the boat, that hasn't noticed you fell overboard? That is my life right now. I just don't feel like I will ever be back on that boat, headed for sunny beaches and hot cabana boys in tight shorts.

My grandfather is very sick right now. We are pretty sure there isn't much time left. My grandmother on my dad's side is quickly becoming more demanding and frustrating as her mind very slowly slips away.

In addition to all of that, this semester I chose (not knowing what I was getting myself into) to take several writing intensive classes. I have a hard time with depression in the winter and I was hoping that the writing would give me the out that I needed to get through unscathed.

All of these things had to happen despite the medical nightmare that we have been dealing with since September. This is one reason why I haven't blogged much lately. I'm just trying to stay afloat. The other reason: I couldn't talk about it. My whole life revolves around getting better, making my body healthy enough to work on its own without all of the hormone medications and schedules. The less I talked about it, the better.

I am better now. I can feel my body trying to work on its own already. I am a long way from my goal, but the effects are wonderful.

Today I took the time to catch up on homework and reading assignments, visit with my grandfather, and finish up several projects. For the first time in weeks I feel as if someone finally noticed I've fallen off the boat. Maybe I will catch up after all.

No Excuse

2010-01-17T21:50:00.002-06:00

There is absolutely no reason why it has been nearly three months since I posted. I've started to a hundred times. Every time, I would log in, hands poised to type up a new post, and then I would just freeze. I think some of it had to do with impending test results and all of the crazy that has now become my life thanks to my ridiculous desire to become a mother. I'm over it now, test results are in, and life will move on.

If you don't remember, our last episode ended with the heroine Arian sitting in the doctor's office nodding numbly as he told her that there was a grave possibility that she had uterine cancer and would most likely forfeit any hope of having a biological child if something did not dramatically change over a period of 12 weeks. The 12 weeks dragged on in an agonizing tempo of torture and I sweated and worried to the beat the entire time. Thanksgiving came and went, finals were taken (and passed!), and we prepared for Christmas.

Christmas was more than just a holiday this year. It was a time of anxious anticipation, hope, and trepidation. My biopsy was scheduled for the 21st. We knew we would most likely have to suffer through the holiday wondering about the future of our family. Despite the nurse's promise that we would have the results the next day, we trudged from house to house the week of Christmas, tucking an anxious little secret in our back pockets while we tried to smile and enjoy the time with family.

Two days before the new year we finally got a call.

All Clear!

Everything is completely clear and we have a new plan of action that for a moment even involved the discussion of birth control! If all goes well, we hope to begin a new round of clomid (if necessary) in May. The doctor and I have some different feelings about what is happening to my body, but I hope to goodness that he wins. He swears by May that we will no longer need to use Clomid and that my body will begin to work normally. I'm just happy to know that we will finally have a fighting chance for the Clomid to work this time.

We have a lot of work to do between now and May for this plan to work, but I am well on my way. So far, since Sept. 25th I have managed to drop 37 pounds and I'm still counting. I always shy away from discussing my weight here because I have so many issues with it in the real world, and I dread bringing all of that here, but I think it is important to do so now.

I will share things a little more in detail over the next few days, but I couldn't stand the thought of leaking out all the good news in tiny morsels.

Can't we just skip to Friday?

2009-11-05T03:24:00.002-06:00

This week has been unbelievably difficult on all levels.

We moved my grandmother into an apartment three buildings down from me this week. I'm glad she is no longer an hour away from us, but it's a hefty responsibility to add to my already overflowing load.

I started bleeding very heavily this week while still taking Provera. I called the doc and he said that this was actually a good thing, and that my body should adjust to the high doses of Provera in the next couple of months (!!!).

The past couple of days I haven't felt well. I'm real weak and sluggish and weepy. I started taking iron per the doc. Tonight I woke up at one am with a severe pain in my lower back, cramping, a huge gush of blood, and then I got sick. I'm not sure if it was something I ate, the iron, all the bleeding and stress, or the kid that lost his breakfast at school this morning. I'm still feeling pretty wonky and I never get sick like that, so I think I may play it safe and stay home from work tomorrow. My body is obviously not doing so well right now.

It hasn't been all bad though. I've lost 15 pounds so far since my last doctor's appointment at the end of September. My diet and exercise plan are easier now and in fact I'm having to push to eat enough calories right now. I still stay pretty weak most of the time, so I can't exercise like most people, but I've started recognizing my limits and I try to take it easy on days that I don't feel well. I'm still losing weight, so I have to be doing something right.

Pictures!

2009-10-27T21:34:00.008-05:00

As promised, a few of the pics from my trip. These are some of my favorites experiences while I was there. I will post more, but I didn't want to overwhelm you. Usually, I focus on pictures of the landscape and such, but this time I thought it would be fun for you to meet some of the kids I worked with.

This was one of the art projects that we did with the kids. It was a tactile activity for them with sand art. The Belarussian children are extremely artistic and they are very detailed in their work. We actually had to cut out some of our art activities because they try to be so detailed.

On the last day we opted to go with some of the staff on their home visits rather than go on a sight seeing tour they had set up for us. Three ladies visit 80 families each week to deliver groceries and feed or bathe children. Sometimes they just go to homes to talk with the mothers and lend them a kind shoulder.

The older lady you see in this picture is 75 years old. She has trouble walking. The girl in the picture is her grandaughter. She is actually a twin, but you can't see her sister in this picture. They are both completely bedridden now. Had they been given wheelchairs early on and some physical therapy, they could probably do some things on their own. Unfortunately, their bones and muscles have twisted up from years of lying in this bed. This is the only bed the family owns. The grandmother sleeps with them. Their parents abandoned them early on, so when their grandmother becomes unable to care for them, there is no one to help them. The church is trying desperately to find a solution.

I wish I had a picture of this little girl smiling. Her smile lights up the whole room! She is around eleven years old. Yes, that is a baby stroller she is sitting in. It is very difficult and very expensive to find even the most primitive wheelchairs here. They do the best they can with what they have. There was another child at this center that also stayed in a baby stroller. The center has a stroller and the parents have a stroller. When they come to the center, one of the male staff members will carry them up the stairs and get them settled in for the day.

This is a really blurry picture, but I was trying hard to be discreet. These are military patrol units that walk the streets several times a day. They have stations every couple of miles and they do nothing but patrol the area looking for anything they can find. The week before we arrived, they actually raided a church where another team was teaching English to adults. The teams were very lucky and got away with a fine of 12 dollars and they were deported. It could have been much worse!

I thought I would leave you with one of my favorite pictures. This is a parachute that we took with us. It glows in the dark and the kids went nuts over it! We borrowed it from one of our town's schools where one of our team members heads up the CDC classroom. We decided to all pitch in and purchase the school a new one and we left this one there for the kids. It's hard to tell from this picture, but the gentleman in the far left of this picture was overcome with excitment when we did this. He squealed with laughter the whole time. Most of these kids don't even like to smile, so it isn't hard to see why this quickly became one of my favorite pictures.

Something to Focus on

2009-10-25T18:42:00.003-05:00

I feel blessed to have an opportunity to focus on something positive during all of this mess and to make a great difference in the world. I am hoping that you all can help to rally some troops and help me out.

As many already know, three years ago I went on a trip to Belarus. It is a beautiful European country that borders Russia. I did not go for a vacation, in fact, our team ended up in a bit of a pickle while we were over there and had an extended stay in Poland that I do not care to ever remember. We went over to help a small church in the middle of one of the outlying towns. The church had begun a special needs program and they wanted some ideas to help make things better. We went and did a sort of camp with them and had a wonderful time teaching the children and adults.

The Belarussian government feels that special needs children are an eyesore. They demonstrate weakness and broken children. When a child for whatever reason is labeled special needs, the mother is forced to quit her job and stay at home full time with her child. The government sends her a very meager check to survive on and she is told that she should not allow her child out into the public, including parks, grocery stores, school, etc.

One very important thing to realize here is that our view on special needs and their view on special needs is entirely different. In Belarus a child with asthma or diabetes is considered special needs. These children can sometimes attend school in the morning, but they are not allowed the opportunity of a full education. It is very rare for a family to have a wheel chair in their home and there are no ramps or other forms of access. The government almost encourages husbands to leave their families when there is a special needs child and there is no respite care for mothers unless other family members come in and help.

Until now, we have only worked with two or three churches in the entire country that help to offer respite care and opportunities for special needs kids. This year a meeting was held by several other churches that want to get involved and help provide a chance for these children to lead normal happy lives.

I have been asked to go on this trip and help teach these churches how to start special needs programs in their community and how to accomodate activities for all levels of ability and development. I am very excited about this and I can't wait to go!

I need to raise the money for my air fare and accomodations while I am there. The total cost of the trip is $2791. This covers air fare, food, and lodging for ten days. I had a second job to take care of this until I got sick. It's been very difficult to work to cover this money on top of everything else although I am trying. My first and largest deposit is due November 30th and it is for $1000. I have several fundraisers in motion, but they do not start until December. I am hoping that you all can pass the word to all of your blogger friends and help me out. Even five dollars will get me that much closer.

I know how wonderful and supportive all of you are and I hope you don't hate me for asking for your help. I have several blankets I plan on raffling and I am very willing to take any crochet jobs you might need me to do as well. I have placed a tip jar to the left for you to click on. Any donations you make are tax deductible. Please tell all of your friends and try to pass this along. Even if you cannot help financially, maybe you know someone that can.

This week I will be posting some of the pictures from my last trip so that you can see what a wonderful opportunity this is. If you would like, I do have a power point presentation and some videos of the trip that I can mail out copies of. Thank you in advance for all of your help, prayers, and support.

One month down... two to go

2009-10-23T17:56:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow I start my second month of provera. It wasn't too horrible this month I don't guess. AF and I have definitely had worse issues, but that whole two weeks at a time thing is frustrating.

I'm still hovering at the ten pound mark. I think some of it may have to do with my scale. I tested the theory last night. On three different occasions now I have stepped on the scale while toweling off after a shower and the scale shows that I have lost three or four pounds. It got me wondering. Last night I decided to do a little experiment. In a span of five minutes I stepped on the scale three separate times. The first time showed that I had not only gained all ten pounds of my lost weight back, but I had added an additional five pounds to the mix. The second time it was ten pounds lighter suggesting that I had lost five pounds. The third time it was another ten pounds less than that suggesting that my total weight loss was fifteen pounds.

I think we have a problem. I understand fluctuations, but seriously?

This is the most frustrating aspect of my life right now. I am eating so little and I am exercising a lot and I am losing nothing according to the numbers.

I eat 1 cup of honey nut o's for breakfast each morning with 4oz of 2% milk - 160 calories
I eat a grilled chicken salad, a turkey sandwich on whole wheat with half a serving of turkey and a smidge of mustard, or half a chicken breast with some steamed veggies for lunch. I make a point to keep this calorie count around 200.
On my long school nights I try to eat a snack to get me through class. I stick to an apple or a turkey sandwich. It never ever exceeds 200 calories.
Supper is some form of chicken breast baked or grilled with two veggies. I do not use any oils or fats unless I put a little dressing on my salad which is rare or if I splurge and bake up a half of a potato. I will coat these potato spears in half a tablespoon of extra virgin olive oil, but I only do that once a week. For supper I try to aim for 600 calories, but I rarely make it that far.

That's it. That is all I eat every single day. I walk at least a mile every day and I do 100 crunches before bed every single night. Still, the scale is not budging. What more can I do?
The potatoes and my daily cereal are the only "white foods or sugars" that I eat. Oh well, I'm just going to try my best. No one can say I'm not trying right now. This whole way of life can be very boring.

I just keep telling myself that eventually this will all start to tilt in my favor. I sure hope so.

The week hasn't been all bad. I crossed a major milestone in one of my writing projects this week. I crossed over the 50k word mark. I also lined up several crochet projects and Hubby is finally working! He's been out of work since May. That should be a huge weight off my shoulders soon!

I hope you have all had a great week. Sorry I've been a bit boring here lately. I have some things in the works, so stay posted. I need some creative ways to add to my exercise routine. Something that doesn't seem like it would burn calories (preferably free). I also need some really great low cal chicken recipes. I'm running out of ideas!

Control

2009-10-13T23:23:00.002-05:00

I have a serious control issue. At one point I had some very bad obsessive compulsive tendencies. With therapy I managed to work through most of them and I learned how to rationalize myself into less noticeable rituals and thoughts. In high school, certain aspects of my home life and the insane schedule that I kept drove me to find something that I could feel in control of. I turned like many young girls to food. The first pound that I lost was one of the most euphoric experiences in my life. I had the answer to my problem. I may not be able to control my home or my teachers, but I could control my food.

I learned to be sneaky and this brought on new levels of control. Therapy helped that too and thankfully I crept up to a healthy weight by the time I graduated. Two years later, my fiance screamed at me as I packed my stuff that he was glad I was leaving. He said he was sick of living with someone that wouldn't eat and lived in the gym. A week later, back at my parents' house, I realized that he was right. I had tried to control our broken relationship with food once again.

By the time I met Hubby, I had convinced myself to just eat and forget about calories. I was working an insanely stressful job with a ton of hours and I still can't figure out how I never noticed that the scale was inching its way up.

By that point, I gave up. It was either all or nothing with me. I didn't want to go back to the hours of obsessing and anxiety attacks over a french fry. I refused to think about it. I never became an overeater really, I just quit undereating and my metabolism and body had already taken a serious beating. By the time I realized my blunder, it was too late. Now, 8 years later, here I am struggling to find a balance.

This week has been really hard. It really is all or nothing with me. My old demons are quickly sliding back into place and the anxiety is building. I nearly cried last night over a spoonful of mashed potatoes. I didn't dare let those pesky taters enter my mouth, but Hubby kept pushing. It was more than I could handle. I'm certain that there have been many days lately that I haven't eaten enough. I'm scared to death to. Cancer, hysterectomy, no children, these are terrifying words that ring in my ears constantly now. They drive the force and push me to pull out measuring cups, and all of my crazy food strategies from the past.

I realize that control was one of the main issues I had with trying to have a baby too. I didn't deal with it well. That is one reason why it took us so long to aggressively seek out medical help. I couldn't relinquish control. I thought that if I just temped more or set my clock better maybe it would work. Obviously it never did.

Sometimes God gives us one problem to help us solve another. I feel like maybe this is His way of helping me learn how to move beyond some of my control issues. Why does this stuff have to be so hard though?

This

Weight a Minute.

2009-10-09T23:08:00.003-05:00

I've been a little quiet lately. I need time to process and reflect on what I am doing. I feel like my life is completely consumed with the goings on of my body again. This is why we quit ttc for a while. I needed time to focus on me and just enjoy being a human being. This is no fun.

I finished the last dose of provera for the month this morning. Already the cramping is intense and icky. I actually had a little breakthrough bleeding two nights ago. It was very brief and barely noticeable, but I've never ever had that happen on provera before. I'm not sure what it meant, but since it wasn't there the next morning and I only had two pills left, I just went on with life.

I've been very diligent with my diet and exercise. I'm nearing obsession at this point. I eat 1200-1400 calories a day. I walk with hubby a mile or two every day. I try to throw in sit ups, extra steps, and extra activities as my energy allows. My energy is still crap though so this isn't easy to do. As of right now, I've only officially lost two whole pounds. This is more than frustrating. I have until December to make a significant change in my weight, I eat mostly lettuce and chicken, and I still can't manage to shed the pounds. How is all of this going to work?

Most days I reach a breaking point where I just want to throw in the towel or hold up my hand and tell everyone and everything to just stop for a minute and let me catch my breath. I feel like nothing I do ever works and I am swimming upstream for a minute. Still, I can't let go of those images I have in the back of my brain where Hubby and I are staring down at this red, wrinkled up little person that we have brought into the world.

Why does this have to be so hard?

Terrified

2009-09-25T22:27:00.002-05:00

I went back for my follow up today.

It's bad.

The pathology report shows that I have complex hyperplasia atypia.

I don't really know what to do with this info. This is rare for someone in their 20s according to my doc and all of the research I can find. Most of the time this happens in someone that is beginning menopause. With that being said, almost every single article I have read suggests that a hysterectomy is the best course of action. That's not what my doc is doing.

He has put me on a scary amount of provera. I usually take two a day for a week or maybe if things are bad ten days. He is putting me on a monthly dose of two a day for fourteen days and has given me very strict instructions to maintain this dosage very carefully. I cannot under any circumstances miss a dose.

I was always thankful that my doctor was so kind and explained early on to me that my hormone levels were a large reason why I struggled with my weight. I have cut sugar, all "white" foods, sodas, fats, calories, and I walk. None of it really did much. I could lose twenty pounds and then I stalled. He's always been supportive and encouraging about this.

Today his story changed. He told me that we are at a scary and very crucial point in my life. We have to do whatever is necessary and possible to help me get down to a normal weight. He was kind, supportive, and vague. He left me on my own to figure out a way to do this. I have no clue. I've tried everything I know how to do.

I have a biopsy in three months to determine if cancer is present. The odds aren't in my favor. He said things were about as bad as they could get.

I'm confused, lost, scared, and very tired. I've lost more blood than any human should, yet tonight I will start pills that are supposed to make me bleed even more.

I just want to crawl under a dark bed and hide.

Sad

2009-09-23T00:02:00.002-05:00

In March, after our last failed cycle, I announced that our baby making dreams were on hold indefinitely. I hunkered down, enrolled in school, took on another job, and made busy. I wrapped my heart up with life and all of the crazy things that were going on. At the time, it was just what had to be done. Looking back, it was a way to cope.

It isn't too far of a stretch for anyone to realize (even I realized this when I wasn't busy distracting myself or lying to myself) that all of that crazy was my way of convincing myself that I didn't need a baby to be happy. I worked very hard to tell myself and everyone around me that I didn't want to try for a baby right now. I needed time to focus on myself and enjoy life for a while. Seven years is a long time to live in the trenches. I deserved to be a normal adult for a while.

Here is where it gets all inky though. See, regardless of whether I emotionally want to try for a baby or not, my body is still in a world of mess because of all of this. The only reason why I even agreed to try aggressively was because I had to formulate a treatment anyway. When you take the baby factor away, I still have a serious problem. Taking so long to admit that was very costly for my health.

I had a horrible weekend. I was told to expect mild cramps like I was having a period. My period cramps can be pretty severe sometimes, so I was prepared to be curled up in a fetal position for a couple of days. What happened was beyond my worst expectations though. Saturday, I thought it would be good to get out and walk a bit. We went to the grocery store and I leaned a lot on the buggy. We walked slow. It should have been okay. I came home, put some wings in the oven, turned on the football game, and I started to squirm. The pain just kept growing in tiny increments. By half time I was curled up screaming on the couch with hubby on the phone with the on call doc at the hospital. Two pain pills and 600 mg of ibuprofen later (all at once) and it subsided enough that I could talk and breathe again. I did not go to church on Sunday, Monday was a nightmare at work, and tonight, the pain is starting to grow again, but it is finally provera scale cramping. I can handle that.

The doc explained to me Monday that they had to remove a very large quantity of tissue and that my pain was very understandable. He told me to take it easy, call if I needed to take more time from work, ask for more meds if needed, and bear with it for a few more days.

Tonight, I was sitting here curled up in a blanket (I suppose all of the blood loss is the reason why I have gone from queen of the a/c to princess of the electric blanket! Dude I even wear socks now!) and Hubby kissed me. I melted into tears. I want to want to be with him. Over two months now! It doesn't bother me that we haven't been "close" as much as it bothers me that I don't want to. I can't shake those sneaky thoughts that maybe, just maybe we could try next month to see if we could have a baby. Just see what happens you know?

I sat there thinking about that and about college and school. I thought about how frustrated I am that my mom is so unhappy right now. I thought about how Friday my grandmother had a stroke and I am now forced to step into a role of care giver. I see all this clutter surrounding me, overwhelming me, but all I can do is whisper, "Maybe this time we can have a baby."

Scrapbook

2009-09-17T19:42:00.002-05:00

I think I am going to make a scrapbook of all the procedures, medicines, and fun little labels I have acquired over the years. I'll include my hospital bracelets, injection boxes, a clomid label, the paper backing from my most relied on pads. It could be quite entertaining! If only they made a scrapbook that would hold all that crap lol!

I had the "procedure" done this morning. All's well I suppose. The real medicines that the hospital gave me haven't worn completely off yet, so I feel ok. I'm real sleepy and weak, but I've had enough surgeries to know that's normal and I should enjoy it while I can!

I've always worried a little about the hospital we would be using if we chose my doctor. That's one thing that beginners should think about when they are looking for someone. Always be aware of what hospital you will be going to as well, in case you do end up pregnant or if you need to have something done.

This hospital staff was wonderful though! The million phone calls this week were worth it. The anesthesiologist was already prepared to deal with the severe nausea I get from all the drugs they give. He had the nurse give me this little patch and some meds in my iv that have been amazing! I have had a lot of surgeries and I have always been violently sick afterwards. This time (of course I haven't eaten yet) there hasn't been the slightest amount of nausea, which is amazing!

The little lady was torn all to pieces because she couldn't get my iv in. I just laughed at her. I once had a hospital staff take over an hour and a half to get an iv in me, so two tries with just her and the doctor working on it was not bad at all. She even numbed the whole thing first which I've never had done! Gotta love the wonderful advances in medicine!

The doc did the procedure and I was out of there in less than an hour. He told hubby that I had a lot of excess tissue in there. He had told me I could go back to work tomorrow, but told hubby today that he didn't want me to since there had been so much. Thankfully there were no polyps or septums to worry about though, and he said that this could actually help us have a baby (wow!). I just wanted the bleeding to stop, but to add a lining of hope into the mix is something you will never hear me complain about!

Anyhow, just wanted to let everyone know things were good. If you have any questions about it please ask them in the comments and I will post a more detailed recount tomorrow with any questions answered. I did do something to my lip. I think I bit it. I tend to clench my teeth a lot unconsciously and I think my lower lip got in the way when I was inebriated in the recovery room. I now have this huge swollen spot that I know is going to be sore tomorrow. Oh well. They gave me good drugs to take, so I will be just fine.

I'm going to go try to eat now. We'll see how this goes. Hopefully, everything will stay down where it is supposed to. The nausea patch can stay on for three days so I should be okay....

It'll only take three minutes....

2009-09-14T23:05:00.002-05:00

My lovely wonderful doctor is apparently the king of sugar coating. At my appointment last week, he discussed my "procedure" with ease as if we were merely two people sitting down for a cup of coffee and a chat. My favorite part of the chat was when he looked me calmly in the eyes and said "It will only take me two minutes or so and you'll be all done." After this, he walked me back to the office that no one knows exists so that some nice lady with a doggy sleeping lazily under her desk could break the news easily that this was a surgery of sorts with dopey drugs and hospital masks.

I left the office a bit uneasy, but not that worried. That was until the hospital started bombarding my work with calls to ask me questions like, "What is your religious preference?" and "What is the name of your pastor?" That bugged me, but I was still okay. Today, I got three calls. One was about my living will, my inpatient choices in case he decides to keep me longer, and a lengthy discussion about my tolerance for various anesthesia methods.

I have a pre-op appointment tomorrow afternoon, and I am rather grumpy about this whole thing. I realize that this is a fairly common procedure, but come on people! Don't freak me out so much about the fact that there is this remote chance that I could die. Don't skirt around the fact that you are indeed actively seeking out a cause for my relentless bleeding without the promise of an answer or a solution. Please do not discuss my future children or the likelihood that I will or will not ever be able to conceive after this. Do not dare consider mentioning the big scary "C" or its cousin "complications." Knock me out, do whatcha gotta do, and when I wake up, tell me that I was swept out to sea while on a luxurious vacation in the Caribbean and knocked my head on a giant sea turtle, only to be rescued by my husband who has miraculously transformed into a gorgeous underwear model! This should be the only explanation you give me for my fashionable hospital gown and foggy vision!

Three minutes! Good grief!

I thought I was done with this!

2009-09-09T17:02:00.002-05:00

I went to the doctor finally. I had every intention of finding a new doctor, but the line for appointments (gotta love small towns!) were six and eight weeks long. There were two places that could see me next week, but I got a very bad vibe from one and I have a bad history with the other one. The idea of waiting totally overwhelmed me after calling the tenth doctor's office. I felt the hysterics teetering on the edge and I gave in. I called my doc with the resolve that I would force him to listen to me and my concerns.

I talked to the receptionist (They are super great!) and she asked me what my prob was. I told her I was bleeding again and she didn't even question it. She asked how long this time. I told her and she said "Oh, well, I'm going to squeeze you in for one o'clock." It was eleven. Eek. I agreed and started to get dressed.

This appointment was nothing like I expected. The office was nearly empty and he came in, sat down, and faced me. There was no hurry in his voice or manner. I explained to him how much I had been bleeding and how bad it was. I told him I didn't want to worry about having kids right now. I also told him how I feel like the metformin is completely useless lately.

He listened intently to every single word. He questioned provera, but quickly recanted after looking over my file. I told him that it worked great. It did the job, until the next month. He nodded in agreement. He thought for a while, and then told me he wants to do a hysteroscopy and a d & c. He's worried that there is something in my uterus that may be causing this. He explained everything, then they invited me into the plush office for the staff and one of the ladies helped me set everything up.

I'm okay with this plan I think. It makes sense. It is the only way that I am going to manage to stop bleeding without bleeding to death at this point. I'm not even that worried about the procedure thanks to the information I am privy to within our IF circle.

The thing that upsets me is that I thought I would be done with this crap. I know that part of me rationalizes with everyone that having a baby right now isn't a good idea for Hubby and me. I wouldn't be able to enjoy motherhood like I want if I did it. Financially, the treatments are not an option either. Still, there is a large secret part of me that stopped because I was sick of feeling like my body was a failure. I couldn't bear it anymore. I hated fighting with my body and never succeeding. If I gave up and pretended it was all my idea, there was no failure. There would be no more doctors or injections. I didn't have to worry about ovulation, cycles, temperatures, hopes, tests. It was all over with.

Or so I thought. Here I am, right back in the middle of this crap again, and I don't even want to have a baby right now. I just want to be a normal woman with a normal life and a healthy body. PCOS affects so much more than your cycles. Your skin, hair, energy, diet, sleep, and digestion are in constant upheaval, and your life revolves around maintaining an extremely fragile balance to feel human, much less normal.

Sometimes, I feel like I may as well keep trying if I'm going to have to deal with all this crap anyway. I guess time will tell. I go in next Thursday. If he finds something, he will remove it right then, so I'm not sure what to expect. At this point though, I'm just along for the ride. I no longer feel like I have any control over my body at all. I'm not sure why I even bothered to try.

AF Go Home

2009-09-03T21:00:00.002-05:00

My absence is inexcusable, but things have been nuts lately. Life is chaotic right now, something I hate, and af is still here. She is very heavy and I am afraid my body is at its limit with my uterus. My gyn consistently tells me that heavy bleeding and clotting is normal for pcos, but I'm at the end of my rope. I don't think he takes me seriously when I try to explain to him how bad things are. I can understand that some women come in and can be a bit dramatic or fearful, but my mother almost died from the same thing. I have reason to be concerned.

If I call him, provera will be put on the table. I can't take that stuff anymore. I have nightmares about that crap, and there are too many emotions involved there. I feel like provera is a symbol of failure for me. When that was called in, it always signified the end of a cycle and my failure to conceive. I can't go back to that place right now. I am going in the next few days to be put on the pill, but I don't want to go back to that gyn. Even he gives me bad vibes. I think that is why I put it off so long.

Anyway, I just want to know, is this type of bleeding perfectly safe and normal? Do I have cause for concern? Perhaps I am just being melodramatic about it all and I don't realize that everyone deals with this, but I don't think so.

I feel so weak and tired all the time. That is the main reason I haven't been writing. Don't feel bad, I haven't been reading blogs much either. I quit one of my jobs, I handed all of the household duties to Hubby for a while. I go to bed early, sleep late, nap all weekend long. It's horrid. Even now I am struggling to stay awake.

PCOS.... I hate you.

What a pill....

2009-08-16T01:26:00.002-05:00

AF showed up a couple of weeks ago. In her natural fashion she showed up weeks late (thankfully only two) and now she has decided to hang out and have an extended vacation. I want her to go away. I have cut out all sugar, white flour, taters, corn products, sodas, and anything else that doesn't resemble cardboard in order to convince her to behave. Still, she remains.

Normally, this is no biggie. I just put in a call to my doc, take the necessary dose of provera and move on. This time, I just can't. I don't know how to explain it without sounding ridiculous, I mean medicine is only medicine, but I can't take provera. For one thing, it does horrible hideous things to my body. AF resembles a red version of that huge marshmallow dude in Ghost Busters, and the pain is a whole other issue. Even that I could manage though.

I just can't face the feeling of being back in the swing of things. I can't deal with making my body do something it very obviously can't do. I don't want to sit here drowning in pools of sweat, pleading with the heavens to make it snow in August, wondering the whole time if I might accidentally ovulate after it is all over. It makes my stomach lurch at just the thought.

Hubby has thrown more than a few jests my way, claiming that the first day of class I will take a pregnancy test, only to find it positive. Now I know that this is not going to happen. I fear that it will happen, but the odds are very heavily stacked against it. It feel so strange to be so against something that I have pleaded with God for every day for years, but I don't want to raise my baby in the life that I am living right now. I currently have three jobs and a full time college schedule. I would have no time to enjoy what I want to cherish so much.

All of that aside, my body is not working. The met is doing nothing for me. The only way that I was able to even mildly slow my flowing river was to cut out anything my husband would eat. Now I cook two meals, shop for two, and watch him drown his fries in ketchup, while I scarf down yet another salad or bunless chicken sandwich.***

I started thinking about all this the other day and wondered how wonderful it would be to only have to worry about a small period every few months. I wondered if the new versions of birth control pills could be better than the horrid stuff I took ten years ago. That stuff made me nuts. I can't explain it. I was just insane. It is the one reason I am not on it right now. I didn't want to think about adding a new level of insanity to my already heightened level of crazy, amidst a wacko schedule this year. Still, I find myself leaning towards that more and more.

How decadent it would feel to plan for a period only four or five times a year without having to carry a bucket around and a covered wagon full of pads. I would feel like a normal woman for once and Hubby could no longer taunt me with threats of miraculous conception.

What do ya think? Anyone have any experience to add to the mix?

I'm sorry I've been gone so much lately. This three job thing has gotten a little out of hand lately. I think I have solved that problem. Hopefully, things will be a little more manageable from now on.

***Don't get me wrong. I know there are plenty of things to cook and eat that are truly wonderful and fit within the healthy PCOS guidelines, however with only five hours a day to eat sleep and bathe, it hasn't been possible to cook two meals and take the time (or money) to shop for "safe" foods.

Got the Dough!

2009-08-04T02:37:00.002-05:00

I am so excited. I have been a little quiet lately because stress is really dragging me down. I have three jobs and I am about to take on being a full time student. Then there are all of those wifely duties too. It's a little overwhelming.

Money is one major thing that is weighing me down right now. I know most of us are stressed a bit about money, but right now I am the sole income for Hubby and me, and I worry that I won't be able to keep up once all of this school stuff falls into place. I wasn't even sure that I would be able to go back to school until today.

I started the whole paper process back in February, just as soon as we got our taxes back. I've been calling and faxing several times a week ever since. School starts in just a couple of weeks and I was getting really worried that I wouldn't get the money I needed to be able to go. I haven't been able to sleep, and simple purchases freak me out because money is on my brain.

Today, after months of waiting, I finally got a confirmation that I did indeed receive enough money to pay for my tuition and my books! Yay! I instantly felt like I lost about twenty pounds off my shoulders, and I immediately called to set up a time to register for my classes.

Every single person I have talked to for several weeks has griped that I didn't have my student id yet or an idea about what classes I would take. This is where a little of my IF struggle came into the mix. I snapped at one lady a couple of days ago, after she berated me for the millionth time about my student id. I told her there was no way that I was going to sign up and get all hopeful that I could actually attend this semester, until she showed me my tuition money.
For once, that method actually worked out to my benefit!

Does anyone else do that? Do you put other aspects of your life on hold, unable to hope that it will turn out positively, because of your experiences with IF?

Surprise

2009-07-27T16:10:00.003-05:00

The great secret has been revealed over at Mel's L&F for Monday. I can't tell you much more, I just hope you will head on over and find it. I'm sorry for being so obscure, but you will understand once you get there. If you aren't sure what you are looking for, here is a clue: anon.

Sugar

2009-07-23T11:59:00.003-05:00

My mom went to the doctor several days ago and her sugar level was high. I think her fasting level was somewhere around 320. The doc didn't put her on any medication or anything just yet. He wanted her to cut out a few things first and see if it didn't set her straight before he slapped her with a diagnosis.

I went with her to the doctor that morning. She was nervous about her blood work. She hates doctors, so she came up with the excuse that we were going to go and work on her classroom so that I would go with her. I put on a big smiley face and bought her a diet soda. I told her that going without sugar wasn't that hard at all once you got used to it. There are whole wheat pastas and breads that help, and most of that other stuff is bad for you anyway.

However, when I got home that night I climbed into bed and just laid there with my eyes closed thinking about it. I've thought about it nearly every day since. I heard her last night talking to the preacher at church about how she misses potatoes and how hard all of it is. I wanted to scream at her and I wasn't sure why. I thought about it last night and came to two conclusions...

One, I need her to be ok. I need for her sugar level to get better almost as much as she does. It terrifies me to see myself in her and know that this may be the road I am forced to go down. My sugar has always been very low, but with PCOS that could change at any moment. My mother had PCOS too, although she never got an official diagnosis, because the only times she went to the lady doctor was for pregnancy check ups and when she was almost dead from blood loss. I hope I have taken steps early to help avoid the whole diabetes thing later on in life, but it is still really scary.

Two, she hates her new diet and is quick to tell you that. This is where I know I am being hard on her, but I can't help how I feel about it. I get a bit annoyed with her thinking it is the end of the world. I've been cutting sugar for three years now. In the beginning I guess I did say stuff once in a while about it. I talked a lot about the new foods that I had found to eat as replacements for my old favorites. She makes it seem like it is horrible to cut back on her sugar and buy diet sodas. It is just a way of life for me, and unfortunately, in a house with a sugar addicted husband, it is a very difficult battle to fight. I tend to fail miserably, but I know I am pretty hard on myself with it, despite two doctors telling me to lighten up a bit on my sugar free ways.

My grandmother's best friend lived right beside her for many years. Her husband had diabetes among other things, and I watched him struggle with it my entire childhood. His health deteriorated dramatically when I was a teenager, and it scared me. As soon as I found out what PCOS was, I remember instantly picturing that man, sitting in his chair with those special socks on, scowling while he ate his breakfast. I didn't want to be like that, and I strove for sugar free perfection in the beginning because of him.

Right now it is summer and like everyone else, we are having a hard time financially, so a lot of the healthier options have taken a back seat to cheaper meals that fill us up more quickly. Hubby quit smoking a couple of months ago and has replaced his habit with a very sweet tooth, which I tend to give in to. I know once my routine is back in order when school starts, I will get back on track, but it doesn't ease my fears at all.

Do you find yourself struggling to eat healthier and what are some ways that you combat money woes to buy the more expensive sugar free options?

I should probably mention my new job...

2009-07-17T20:19:00.002-05:00

Yes, I already have a job, two actually, but one of those jobs requires a piddly three hours a week, and I am still in the midst of a vacation from the other one. When school starts back, I am going to go back as a student this year also, but I am up for the challenge! Why?

This job lets me write!

I can finally check writer off my list of things to do. Granted, I'm not pumping out best sellers or anything like that, but I am offered a fee for my writing abilities, and I love it! In typical writing style, I will never make a fortune at this job, but I am also trying to pace my hours a bit to reflect what I will be able to do when school starts. Right now I put in about four hours a night, which isn't bad. The best part is that I can sit at home in my cushy comfy chair and write in my pjs, taking breaks whenever I need to.

I was afraid that the relaxed pace would cause me to work less, but on the contrary, I find it very easy to write throughout the day, when I get a little free time. I have a goal set each day for the amount of work I will get done, and I work towards it all day, finally pounding out the last few sentences before going to bed.

Oh yeah, and ummm.... in the very near future, expect a great surprise! Well, I hope it is a great surprise anyhow...

Ummm, I should probably save you a bit of suspense and let you know that it will not be wrapped in Pampers and require milk. Nu-uh, no-way. I can't imagine throwing a baby into the mix right now with three jobs, and a collegiate future ahead of me! I am nuts, but I have to draw the line somewhere.

Nightmare

2009-07-13T02:37:00.002-05:00

I dreamed last night that my sister was pregnant. It was horrible. She told me to take a ride around town with her, so I agreed, and before we pulled out of the parking lot she had angrily informed me that "Ugh, she was pregnant."

The dream was one of those vivd surreal kind of dreams that you get wrapped up in and wake needing several moments to separate reality from dream. I still had that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, and for a while thought that I was dreaming about waking from a nightmare to escape the icky reality that my sister was going to have a baby.

I've always had this deep dark fear that she would have a baby first. I'm not sure why. It feels like it's my birthright to get to have the first baby, and I loathe the thought that she could take that from me. My fears used to be distant and far into the future, until this happened. Go ahead, read it. I'll wait.

Well, if you skipped the link, I'll give you the short version. Several months ago, my sister had a very uneducated scare and turned to me for advice and help. I tried to be the good big sister, but I was angry and for whatever reason, I felt threatened. I think she learned her lesson, but I still hear a tiny voice in the back of my head sometimes that unkindly points out that I may not be the first.

In this dream, my sister was appalled at the inconvenience of a pregnancy, and wanted to take it to the "baby store" (this was a really horrid dream), but my dad wouldn't let her. I dreamed that Hubby and I went out to eat the next day and I burst into tears causing us to leave. We knew the father of the baby and he was unconcerned with the situation, which made it worse. The worst part of the whole dream though was this desperate desire to scream out to all of them that we were the ones that deserved that baby, and that it should belong to us.

I woke up disoriented and then grumpy. I'm not allowed to have normal nightmares of swamp monsters or big scary bugs. Nope. Not only do I face the pain and torment of infertility, but I have to dream about it too! Even when we have to put ttc on the back burner for a while, it still eats away at my heart every single day.

I've been up to something...

2009-07-09T03:42:00.004-05:00

And it's a secret!

For now anyway.

Actually, I have been up to a lot of somethings lately, but the most important one for you all is in the works. I need some help though. I need a masthead. I made the header I currently have up, but this one needs to be different. I should be able to track down someone and pay them to make one for me, but Hubby and I are in a bit of a financial pickle right now and there's no way I could do that. If anyone has any ideas, please, please let me know.

Ok, service announcement over, here's the other somethings....

I've become quite the avid gardener lately. My dad made me a box to plant a tomato plant or two in, but I ended up with 9 pepper plants and two tomato plants. I was worried about the amount of sunlight we got up on the balcony and the size of my box, but so far things are growing beautifully. I have a pepper plant called a rainbow pepper. It will grow bell peppers of all colors at the same time! I can't wait for them to start coming in! Also, the tiny green sprouts you see are flowers. I had some seeds left over from a church project and I decided to sprinkle them in the bare spots to see what happened.

The majority of my days have been spent pouring over a blank screen for hours on end. I finally worked past my block and with the new found freedom in my mobile computer friend, my creative juices are flowing again (thank goodness!). I love having the time during the summer to write for hours on end!

When I am not outside admiring my green beauties or whittling my fingers down to nubs on the keyboard, I am on the phone arguing with various personnel about financial aid and course requirements. The school I am attending is smaller than the one I went to in SC and their nonchalance over my academic future is more than a little infuriating. I called this afternoon for the third time about a page they say I am missing and the lady on the other end of the line told me that it was probably just nothing that it takes a few days for them to get it all together. Well that would be perfectly fine if someone hadn't put a note into my file online telling me that a paper was missing. Grr. I guess I will try again tomorrow.

So anyhoo, How's your summer? I want to hear all the juicy stories! Spill it!

A Late Night Visit

2009-07-04T17:26:00.003-05:00

I usually let the pups go out one last time before Hubby and I retire for bed. We are night owls, especially during the summer, and it is usually well past midnight when we decide to pack it in. The pups are very well behaved and well trained so we don't have any qualms about letting them go out unleashed for this late night romp.

Last night, I drew the short straw and stood guard outside on the balcony while they took care of business. I caught something out of the corner of my eye and thought it was one of the dogs coming around the corner of the building. I turned to see a bushy tail slink past the lamplight. It wasn't one of the pups.

The critter walked up to the sidewalk just underneath our balcony and sprawled out in front of me. It was very relaxed and just sat there staring up at me. I thought at first it was a cat, but as my eyes adjusted to the dim light I realized it was a small gray fox.

I stood there, unable to move. We just stared at each other, soaking in the presence of one another. I realized that this would be a moment I would never forget and didn't dare break the magic despite my overwhelming desire to reach for the camera inside.

He stood several minutes later and walked over to a tree in the middle of our yard. He turned and stared for a minute or two more before sauntering off back into the wooded underbrush at the edge of the property.

I immediately thought about the pups and called for them to come back in. I worried that they would spook the fox and someone would cause a ruckus, but they came bounding up the stairs oblivious to our visitor.

Tonight, I will be more cautious about letting the pups out to wander free, but i will also have my eyes peeled for a chance to see my new friend again. I wish I had been able to snap a picture of him for you to see, but I'm sure that would have spooked him and I would never see him again. Now that I know he is around, I will make a point to be more aware when I am outside. Maybe, just maybe, I can snap a shot of him next time.

This is a picture of what he looked like. When he sprawled out lazily on the sidewalk, he just happened to lay in the pool of light thrown down by our security lights. His markings were beautiful and I could just make out the slight hints of red and white highlighting his fur.

Image found here: www.usbr.gov/mp/ccao/berryessa/photo_gallery/index.html

So That's What We've Been Doing Wrong!

2009-07-03T21:57:00.003-05:00

Sunday morning I crawled out of bed and braced myself for the tireless antics of the three year olds I keep at church. I usually watch them during the main service and then cross the hall to help the lady in the baby nursery during Sunday School.

When Sunday School was over, one of my very precocious three year olds popped in with his mom to pick up his 12 week old baby brother. I jokingly told him that I had decided to take "little brother" home with me. He responded with a very protective "No." I laughed and teased him a bit more. He told me in no uncertain terms that "little brother" was his and lived at his house.

He turned towards his mom, but stopped halfway between the two of us, turned back around to face me, and said, "You should get you a little brother."

Intrigued and a glutton for punishment, I couldn't resist, "Oh really?"

"Uh-huh. You just go to de zoo, and you get one."

I couldn't say a word without bursting into a million giggles. I managed to muster a weak, "The zoo huh?"

By this time everyone in the room had stopped and was watching him. He was very serious and sure of his answer though. He pointed to the Noah's ark wallpaper we have up in the nursery and said, "See dem diraffes and de elephants, you got to go der where dey are and dat's where babies come from. Dat is where we got little brother."

I thanked him very politely for his wealth of information and assured him that I would try my very best to arrange a trip to the zoo in the near future.

Ladies, we finally have the answer! We've been doing it right, just in the wrong places apparently. Grab your husbands and head to the nearest zoo! I'll meet ya there!

A visit from heaven

2009-06-27T13:58:00.002-05:00

This morning I had a visit. I lay curled up beside Hubby in my favorite blanket in one of those deep restoring sleeps that only happen once in a blue moon. One minute I was dreaming about school starting back and the next I had been taken to a different time and place. The doctor was looking down at a gorgeous wriggling little fellow. He had light red hair and my blue eyes. His smile could only belong to his dad. She looked up and told me he was just perfect before handing him back to me. I smiled, gave him a snuggle and walked out of the room.

Hubby was waiting for us and gave him a kiss on the head. At some point my father-in-law came to visit the baby. Finally, I found myself sitting on a bench waiting for some sort of appointment and I had him all to myself. I talked to him and played with him. His smile lit up the whole room and his laugh ate at my heart. A girl sat beside me and started talking about him with me. She asked how we had gotten his name. I told her that had been his name for a long time. I explained that we had considered several other names, but always came back to this one. I told her that when he was born, there was this moment that he had stared up at me, our eyes locked on each other, and I knew that the name had always been his.

It was so vivid and clear. It was different than the dream that had been interrupted. I've only had a few dreams like that in my life, but they always leave me with the same feeling. I'm sure many disagree, but I think that dreams can be more than just dreams sometimes.

Even in the dream I knew it was a dream. I knew it wouldn't last. I clung to him and whispered secrets to him as I soaked up every inch of his perfect little face. Whether it was real or not, I like holding on the idea that I shared a visit with my son last night. It makes waiting for him to get here not so hard.

I love you little guy. I can't wait to see that smile for real!

My New Friend

2009-06-24T20:46:00.003-05:00

As promised, I have something very fun to show you all today! If you hadn't heard already, we have been suffering from ailing computers for a while now. Hubby's video card went first, then my comp got a devastating virus. Not even a week after we had them both back up and running, Hubby's power supply shorted out and rendered his comp useless. We moved my comp to the living room to share. My school money should be here in a week or two and we planned on using the extra to get me something else.

Yesterday, Hubby promised me a trip to Goo.dwill. I love that store! I probably enjoy the treasure hunting I do in there a little too much! It is one of the small pleasures in life I allow myself sometimes though. Hubby stayed true to his word and we wandered around the store several times before he started giving me the look. I shrugged defeat and said we would leave after looking at the glass case they had up front with the "expensive" stuff in it.

I wasn't really paying attention to anything in the cases until Hubby grabbed my arm and pulled me back. He was jabbering and pointing. I just let him jabber and point. I figured he had found a video game or something. Then I looked closer. It was a mini notebook just like the one I have been anxiously spying for weeks as I waited for my school money.

The lady pulled it out for us and it was quickly evident that it had never been used. She said that it had come from Ta.rg.et and had been a return without a receipt most likely. I smiled wistfully at the shiny surface of the computer and turned to check out. I told Hubby there was no way we could afford even such a deal on it right now. He kept prodding.

I finally agreed to call my mom and see if she would loan me the money until my school money came in. I braced myself for her irritated sighs and winced waiting for her response. She was so nonchalant and agreeable about it that I almost asked her what she had been drinking. A half hour later, she walked in to the store, gave it a look over, and told the lady to bag it up!

It is very tiny, but more than serves my needs! It is actually very powerful for its size. I have missed the freedom my old laptop offered me, but I didn't miss the cumbersome heavy bag I had to lug from class to class. When my mom got one of these a few months ago I knew it would be perfect for school and give me more freedom to write wherever and whenever I want!

Most of the ones we have looked at have a squished keyboard and teeny screen. This one has one of the larger screens (10 inch I think) and they squeezed in a full laptop keyboard! It only weighs a couple of pounds, but it can do everything a full sized laptop can do. Bring on the classes!

This link shows you the specs and the price we would have paid for it at the store. It also seems to have very good reviews. I can't believe our luck! I whispered a very heartfelt prayer of thanks for this treasure!

Now go over and see everyone else's treasures that they are showing and telling this week!

I Finally Found You!

2009-06-24T02:34:00.002-05:00

I am brimming over with the giddy tremblings of a 12 year old school girl that just found herself the sole witness to all the neighborhood boys partaking in a refreshing skinny dip! In a strange turn of events that leave me with only the distinct feeling of being blessed, my world has been righted in an ever so slight way.

I will lend a little more detail to the story tomorrow complete with pictures, but for now I cannot contain my excitement and will leak out enough joy to suppress the rest of the story for tomorrow.

My friends, I have found you all again! What? You didn't know you were lost? Oh but you were! In case you don't remember, a few weeks ago my computer took a nice long vacation. Not long after that, Hubby's computer got the bright idea to do the same. Somehow in our frantic frenzy to save hundreds of precious memories, stories, links, and I am quite certain the very soul of my creativity and sanity, we lost all of my favorites.

I had them saved ready to import when all was well with my comp again only, when the time came, they were no where to be found. Tonight during a very thorough search of every available storage device in our tiny apartment (don't underestimate its size, there are mass volumes of storage lurking in every corner!) I found them! Well, most of them. I am pretty sure that there are a few that are missing, but they are mostly random sites having nothing to do with my blogging or my friends of the web. I can now "click" with ease once again! I can visit each of you and anytime I want without desperately searching the dark creepy corners of my brain for your url!

Yay! It feels like I finally have my other arm back again! Life can now proceed!

Still searching

2009-06-19T22:21:00.005-05:00

The first month after our last cycle with the doc, I was relieved. I was actually elated to finally have a guilt free excuse to stop for a while. I needed to work on me. I don't like who I am becoming. I want better for us and for our future kids. Hubby seemed pretty relieved too. Gone were the strained relations and thermometer readings. We didn't have to have hope or disappointment while we paced anxiously awaiting af. It was a delicious freedom.

The end of school kept my mind and heart busy for a little while. I didn't have time to miss our kids. I was happy to crash on the couch with Hubby for a little uninterrupted television and some snuggling. We were great. We cautiously avoided the tender spots in our hearts and we each dealt with the pain our own way. I used resolve. I was absolutely adamant that I in no way wanted a child while I finished school. I told everyone that asked. I was very firm and knew it would be best for my children. Doing what was best for them shouldn't hurt that bad right? We know what we are doing is right. The path we chose is the only one we could choose if we had their best interests at heart. Right?

This week my grandfather has been in the hospital. My aunt didn't want her daughter to be stuck there with the scary reality that he is sick. She asked Hubby and I to keep her. She's eleven and she's a pretty cool kid. She's a lot like I was as a kid. We didn't hesitate to let her hang with us for a few days.

The first thing that happened was the eerie hum of life that kids bring into a house. The dogs were quite honestly smiling at all of the fun they had with her there to give them hundreds of kisses and hugs. I cooked for her and we all played video games together. It seemed so normal. When Hubby would hang out with his video game buddies, I had someone to chit chat with and take to the pool. The loneliness scattered from every corner of our house.

Tonight, I took her to the pool. We lingered longer than normal because my grandfather came home from the hospital and I wanted her to have as much fun as she could. Truthfully, I didn't want to miss a moment. While we were there, two families came down. Between them there were six children. Four of them were three and under. I watched as the dads took their place in the pool keeping the kids herded towards the shallow end as the moms sipped their drinks and chatted about family pictures and vacations.

I felt blessed to share their joy even if it was only as a mere onlooker. The oldest girl was a third grader that I had worked with the year before at school. She had moved away and I hadn't seen her in a while. She and my cousin played and gabbed like all kids do.

Hubby didn't sit there long. He had been at a table reading. I could practically read his thoughts. I saw the glances he stole from time to time, pretending to be uninterested. He started to squirm and sigh. Then he got up and said he was going to go back to the house for a while. I asked him to stay, but I could see something in his eyes. It was like looking at a reflection of my own eyes. I didn't put too much pressure on him.

The Kid went home shortly after that and Hubby headed over to a buddy's house across the complex for a little while. As the door shut and the quiet settled in, I realized that I would never be able to pretend that I was happy with the life we had. I know it is the best thing for us and I will not waver in my determination to make a better life for us, but I thought that would help make it less painful. I realized that it only makes the pain more real and acute.

More than anything, it answered a question that has haunted the back of my mind for years. I'm sure it haunts many of our minds as we struggle on this heartbreaking journey. What if we just quit and didn't have any kids? What if this is all we get? I have been terrified by that question for a long time. Tonight I knew that somehow someway I have to be a mother. I'm not sure where my child or children will come from. I have no idea when it will happen, but I know one thing for certain. I will find my kids someday.

Post 223

2009-06-19T10:46:00.002-05:00

So what's important about post 223? I'm not really sure. It just sounded like a cool number.

Anyhoo, guess who showed up at my bathroom door? Yup the lovely Mrs. AF. Her timing was impeccable. It was the first day that I started taking meds for a bladder infection run rampant. She always knows when to knock huh?

I think I sort of started her myself though and it raised a few questions for all of you.

I've been taking 1000mg of metformin for three years now. I take one 500 for breakfast and then right before bed. My gyn always takes care of that part of life for me and I never faltered in taking it. It was my miracle pill. It cured some crazy ailments that I never would have connected to my fertility status. My MD knew about said medication and never said anything about it until I came in with the shingles.

He said he hated met and asked me how I felt about it. He politely probed into our baby making progress (or lack there of) and suggested that perhaps I could cut my dose in half for a little while (He actually wanted me to quit it altogether, but I would hear none of that). Since I wasn't actively trying, there wasn't much need to have a regular cycle and "Met just makes people feel yucky," he said. I'll agree with that, but I've always been happy to pay the price for all the wonderful things it fixed. He checked my sugar numbers and continued to push a bit saying that 1000mg was entirely uneccesary for me. My sugar is on the low side.

I promised I would give it a try and went home with dread in my gut. After a week, I just forgot about it. Then all the nasty symptoms started rearing their head again. My scalp broke out in psoraisis again and my face broke out. I couldn't handle eating any carbs, but I got really hungry. AF missed her scheduled visitation. The hair on my legs started growing in faster than I could shave it off and any libido flew quickly out the nearest window.

Last week when I got a bladder infection, I raised my hands up in surrender and said enough was enough. I know the infection had nothing to do with met, but I needed to get my body under control. I called for some antibiotics and took my met twice that day and then the next. The next morning AF showed up and I am starting to feel normal.

I wish that we could have multiskilled docs that could do it all. It would be nice if my two docs could communicate their feelings with one another instead of me having to go through the whole history lesson each time I stepped up onto the table.

Have any of you found yourself in a similar situation where two docs don't see eye to eye on a certain protocol or med? What did you do?

Stuck in the Cabin

2009-06-16T20:55:00.003-05:00

So, it's been a bit. Sorry I haven't been posting as normally as I should. Hubby's comp is in the toilet and until we win the lottery, my computer has become his gaming station.

I looked forward to summer for most of the last month of school. I was excited to be free of the crazy politics and mind games going on at our school. It was a pretty picture to think of floating in the pool every afternoon and taking a much needed break.

Every year I do the same thing. I get excited about it. It finally gets here. I clear my books the first few days and make a big deal out of getting some much needed r and r. A week later, I'm ready to go back. I'm not an idle person. I don't like being without routine or structure.

The past few summers have been pretty simple. I was so focused on having a baby, that I hardly noticed the days fly by. I counted weeks and temps. I wasn't concerned about getting bored. This summer, only a couple of weeks in, and already I'm getting cabin fever. I'm cranky and frustrated. I'm out of books and sharing a comp with a gaming fanatic makes it worse.

In March, we hit a road block with our baby plans. We have to step back and regroup for a while. At first, I felt much like I do the last month of school. I was overjoyed to have a reason to throw the thermometer back in the drawer. I loved the carefree relations Hubby and I could once again share. Much like the arrival of summer though, I started to get antsy.

I spent so much time focused on operation baby. What the heck am I supposed to do now? It isn't that I don't have things. I could crochet. I could work with my plants, or write. I could walk, swim, whatever I want. Still, I find myself curled up on the couch with my frustration level mounting.

School will start in a few weeks and I will walk back into the double doors. This year I will not only be helping teach, I will be taught. I am certain that my idle hands will feel more at ease then. I have lots of things planned for the summer. I am working two days a week with my babies at church. Mom and I are making many trips to Amish country for fresh veggies to put up for winter. Dad made me a box for the balcony so I can grow my own fresh veggies too.

How do you pass the time when you take a break or find yourself stuck in the cabin?

The Thing Under My Bed

2009-06-06T23:46:00.003-05:00

From time to time I struggle with sleeplessness. I've never really struggled with things that go bump in the dark, but I do have a hard time with my mind. I create endless streams of conversation and mull over every detail of the day before I can fall asleep. Once I fall asleep, many times, my dreams are filled with what I call "My thing under the bed." It's that one thing that keeps me frustrated and revved up long after my bedtime. It causes me to wake up at two in the morning and pace the floors searching for a solution.

I thought I would share with you all what I most often pull out from under the bed of my mind. I battle with it more than anything else. It isn't scary, and truth be told, it isn't a bad thing for me. Surprisingly, I am most productive when I avoid going to sleep or wake up out of a sound sleep with this image seared into my eyelids.

Now I am not a published writer. Most likely because I am too chicken to offer up my hard fought sweat and tears for someone to criticize. Still, I spend a massive amount of my spare time, especially in the summer, writing and fighting that internal turmoil that comes with the territory. I love every second of it. I even enjoy being frustrated sometimes. I draw immense satisfaction from taking a tiny moment or idea and stretching it and weaving it into new faces and lives.

Right now my current sleeplessness is all thanks to a girl and her history. Character development is usually fairly easy for me. This girl apparently is very allusive and secret which ironically fits well with the personality I have etched out for her.

What is your "Thing Under the Bed?" What keeps your brain ticking and humming excitedly even when you are far beyond exhaustion?

After spilling your bed guts head over to Mel's and see what everyone else is showing and telling.

Celebration

2009-05-31T02:21:00.004-05:00

What are we celebrating?

We are celebrating the wondrous joy that comes with a sound and peaceful night's sleep sans the meds! Since my brief bout with roofing, I have been forced to rely on heavy pain meds to sleep at night. This week I have managed to successfully sleep three or four nights without so much as a tyl.enol. I hate taking any sort of medication (except of course my best friend metformin!), so to be able to function without anything is a huge relief!

I thought we would celebrate with a picture or two from that fateful day at the zoo...

A sweet little baby tiger

My favorite for the day. We hunted everywhere to find the newest critter before finally coming across this gorgeous anteater!

And for a little irony, a stork. I did have a brief chat with him, but he kept his back turned the whole time. Big surprise huh?

Argh! Blogger, you are getting on my nerves!

See what the rest of the class is showing

I should probably post eh?

2009-05-28T01:00:00.004-05:00

You would think that with summer in the air (along with a few mosquitoes it seems) and children hanging up their backpacks for pool noodles, I would have a few moments to sit down and write a post or two. Well, that's what I thought anyway.

I did get to go and have a couple of fun days hanging at my grandma's. I love being down there with her and my family. There is something magical (and a bit eerie) about grandparent houses. Hubby and I slept in the room that my siblings and I shared when we were little. We played cards and watched a few movies that we had not seen since my grandfather was alive about 15 years ago. We ate at the same table and sat on the same patio.

It was great to be back there talking about our childhood, but it was very bittersweet. I have been there many times in my adult life, and rarely have these memories been so close to the surface. It was painfully obvious this past weekend that despite her adamant desire to stay in that house for the remainder of her life, my grandmother needs to move closer to us. Usually a visit from us means a scrub of the house from head to toe. Her house wasn't messy or anything, but you could tell that this time she had run out of steam with her cleaning. It breaks my heart to see her struggle with things like that.

Hubby, Sis, and I spent most of the weekend cleaning her kitchen from top to bottom. Sis and I noticed a bug problem the first night and when I mentioned it to Mom, she told me that grandma had already talked to her about it. Grandma didn't know what to do, which was odd. It gave us another glaring example of her mind failing her. She had just been going in at night and squishing as many as she could see. We took everything out of her cabinets and cleaned, then put down some stuff to hopefully get rid of the pesky critters before they get bad.

Dad worked on some things for her. He cringed when she said she needed her grass mowed. It had been two whole days since someone had mowed it for her. He and Bro put a drain pipe in her driveway. We grilled out and left her some food to eat on for a while. We all tried really hard to give her lots of good reasons to move closer to us. I can understand her desire to stay put, but I know how much harder it is going to be to over the next few years if we have to drive over an hour one way to take care of her.

The weekend wasn't all gloom and memories. We had a great time visiting and relaxing. It was really funny this weekend to see my grandma and her dog. She has this little chihuahua. The dog is a complete scaredy cat. She would starve to death if my grandmother didn't have to get up from time to time to pee. She never leaves her lap. She also doesn't handle visitors well and tends to shake when people visit. When all six of us stormed the house with our stuff, the poor dog almost had heart failure!

My grandmother got the bright idea that her puppy needed one of her "pills" to calm down. She is deathly afraid of thunderstorms and the vet it seemed had given my grandmother some doggy tranquilizers to help her calm down. That was all well and good, but about two hours later my grandmother decided that the puppy needed to go out. "It was their scheduled time." She went and woke the poor thing up and brought her in the living room.

I have never laughed as hard as I did at that little dog. She was st.on.ed off her little tail! She weaved and wobbled. She stared wide-eyed at Hubby for a while and finally went out to pee even though she leaned a little to the left and hopped on three legs.

I had a hard time going home Monday night. I didn't want to leave her in that house this time. It bothered me into sleeplessness that she was all alone (except her pup) and that she would have to take care of herself. I wish that we could convince her to move here in our complex so that I could check on her every day.

That night back at home, I dreamed of chasing gold fish in the field behind my grandmother's house. It was a bizarre dream with strange and fantastical elements. I woke up missing my childhood when those things wouldn't have seemed so strange at all. Being a grown up is just no fun sometimes!

Just for fun

2009-05-23T17:21:00.016-05:00

My favorite S&T post...

A few months ago Kristin had a show and tell about some of her yarn stash. I totally related to that beautiful stash thanks to a growing stash of my own. I commented and a few weeks later I had a chance to have my own show and tell with a part of Kristin's stash sitting in my living room!

The shingles have prevented me from finishing several projects that have been started from pieces of her yarn. Hopefully, with my arm on the mend, I will soon be able to complete them all! I have a baby blanket in the works and a chemo cap for a friend of mine that is fighting breast cancer. I also have a lovely surprise for Kristin!

Sorry for the lack of pics this week. Blogger is being a complete jerk to me lately and my fonts and pics are getting all messed up.

Go check out the rest of the class!

Nightmare

2009-05-21T21:16:00.004-05:00

I know I've been a bit sparse with the posting lately. I was truly hoping that things would fall into place and life could continue. I forgot to factor in Murphy's ever-present shadow in my world and of course nothing has worked out the way I hoped.

Two weeks ago Hubby's video card took a dump. It certainly isn't the first time that Hubby has caused a video card to pack its overworked bags and run for the nearest scrap pile. He loves to game and I love that we have a yearly budget set aside for gaming related casualties. Thankfully, this one happened to crap out thanks to a manufacturing glitch and they are replacing it with an upgraded card. So, what's the problem?

Well, Hubby happens to be the most impatient human being on the planet and cannot function without his computer. It was decided that my computer should take a little carpet ride into the living room and hang out at his spacious computer mansion. It should have only affected one post or maybe two a week. Wrong!

The overwhelming move to such a spacious and luxurious new abode distracted my poor computer and compromised her immune system drastically. She was caught off guard by a new and very aggressive virus that threatened to leap through the monitor and set new fire to my shingles.

Normally, we would just throw everything onto Hubby's comp and start fresh. This time, that wasn't an option. We started slapping pictures onto every available storage media we could scratch up. It was a frantic nightmarish experience that took place during one of the most labor intensive kindergarten graduations I have ever seen!

We thought we were successful and last night I sat in Hubby's chair with a contented sigh and began playing around with my freshly cleaned comp. Something happened during the updates and it didn't work out so well. I went another torturous night without my precious computer. I was ready to cry.

Finally, I sat before my sweet comp this afternoon and grinned from ear to ear as I tested out Hubby's handiwork. We moved all my things back onto my comp and Hubby went to bed. Ironically, the shipping info for Hubby's video card came through today and we should expect his new card early next week.

I wouldn't post this heart-wrenching story for you normally, but in the midst of saving my stuff, Hubby saved the wrong set of Favorites. I lost all my links to many of my favorite sites. I felt the tears well up and turned quickly to my friends inside the internet. I needed to share my pain with someone that could understand.

Blogging should be back to normal now. I'm afraid I may not be the very best clicker ever for a while though, and I may not have a chance to check in on all of my blogging peeps, until I can dig up everyone's place again.

Sigh...

Thanks Murphy! You always keep life interesting!

Road Trip!

2009-05-17T13:27:00.003-05:00

There has been so much craziness and stress lately. When you get caught up in all of that and then suddenly find yourself at home alone with no plans or deadlines, the silence can be overwhelming. Yesterday, Hubby was asleep and I had the whole day to myself. There were no programs to go to or retreats to attend. My hand isn't back up to par yet and it was actually hurting quite a lot yesterday, so crocheting or writing were out of the question.

At first I was sort of excited to have so much freedom. I sat at the computer with my soda and lunch ready to play around and relax. Then, the stillness took hold. It was so quiet. I started squirming and I could feel anxiety well up in my throat. I can't be still like that or I panic and go nuts. I searched fervantly for a new game to occupy me or some great new project to hold my interest. Nothing. Ugh!

Then, as if "The Big Guy" was reading my mind, the phone rang. My sister had gotten her fill of current boyfriend and wanted to go get her stuff. She wasn't sure what sort of ex-wife drama she would walk into and did not want to go alone. I kissed the Hubby, grabbed my shoes and camera and yelled behind me, "Be back in a little while! I'm going to Kentucky!"

We picked up my younger brother and a few snacks and took off. The trip proved eventful with a bad accident and some seriously crazy rain. We still had a blast and soaked up the fun that goes with an unexpected road trip. Thankfully, there was no drama when we found our destination. Sis picked up her things and we all headed back with more laughs and fun.

I took a few pics on the way. I didn't have the memory card for my big camera, so they aren't great, but you can get the idea.

It never fails to surprise me how quickly the landscape changes once you cross over into Ken.tuck.y. I love the skyline of the city.

It rained too hard on the way up to get any pics. I was disappointed to see how heavy the smog was on the way back. It's still a nice pic though.

Go see what the rest of the class is showing....

In Limbo

2009-05-14T07:06:00.003-05:00

My hand is getting better. I can finally type two handed again which makes blogging seem like a luxury after the few one handed posts I managed to squeak out. The week has been very weird and surreal. I haven't had much of a chance to just sit and type or talk out my feelings and frustrations. I feel like a diet soda just begging for a men.to!

My mom was told yesterday that after 31 years of teaching kindergarten, she is being moved to fourth grade. She's handling things like a trooper. I've been squalling my eyeballs out. She has actually gotten excited about it I think. I put on my "Yay! Fourth grade!" face in front of her. I truly think she will get in there and find out how much fun she can have with them and she will love it.

Still, she has been teaching in her current classroom for as long as I can remember. That is where I took my kindergarten naps. It is the room I walked into every single day as a child after school. I did my homework there. I got busted for drinking on a band trip, I cried over break ups, I told her I was getting married, all in that room. We spent many a late night up there working on projects and plans. It is like a second home. My mom raised all three of her babies in that room.

It isn't so much that she is going to teach a new grade. It just feels like she is being evicted from her own life story that upsets me. We will sort through all of her things this summer and move her two halls over to someone else's room with their history and lives embedded into the walls. I love our new principal sometimes, but I don't get why you would move someone that only had a few years left till retirement anyway. It's rather silly.

She isn't the only one being moved either. I think our new principal wants a clean slate and a new staff. She turned the entire staff upside down like a huge tossed salad. Only one teacher per grade stayed in their current grade. She was trying to break up the buddy groups and to a degree I can understand. Still, what a mess!

That isn't the only thing that has got me all worked up this week. There's the upcoming kindergarten graduation and the end of our women's Bible study. My sister graduated college last week, and I am embarking on a new college path myself. We aren't trying actively right now, but I can't put away the "hmmm now how close to ovulation is that plan..." mindset every time I schedule something. We aren't preventing. My husband actually laughed at me when I suggested that. Summer is about to start and I have been desperately trying to find a summer job to keep me occupied and to stash back some cash. I would love to blog this summer or work at home on something, but so far I haven't gotten any brilliant ideas. It's frustrating.

Hopefully, the loose ends will tie themselves as I finish off one of the greatest school years I've ever been a part of. There will be many, many tears this year as a great team of teachers part ways and explore new adventures. Part of me wants to hang on to every moment of the next week. The other part wants to close my eyes and hide until the ride is finally over.

Pajama Party

2009-05-10T00:49:00.004-05:00

Here it is again. Today is that icky day that makes me want to curl up in bed and feign an illness. I think I handled myself very well this year. My sister and I staged a kidnap.ping for my mother. Since my sister moved away to college, Mom has been stuck in the house with my brother and dad. Poor thing is about to go out of her mind! We figured we would bring her to my house, lock the door, turn off the phone, and enjoy a girls' night.

It was a miracle I think, but we managed to keep it a secret and pull off our plan. When she got here we presented her with a new pair of pj's and told her to go change. We had a basket of lovely goodies to pamper her hands and feet. My sis gave her a mani and pedi ( I had to sit that one out thanks to my shingles ). Sis also cooked up all of our goodies. We had mini wienies, rote.lle dip with chips, wings, and chocolate chip cookies. We also picked up three girly movies and settled in for a relaxing night sans the men. It was fantastic! Mom is even going to church sockless tomorrow to show off her fancy red toes. I can't remember her ever having painted toenails.

The whole pj party idea, made it easier to celebrate. I felt like I was able to treat myself as well. It was the first year in a long time that I have been able to truly enjoy honoring Mother's Day.

I believe that we should all celebrate this day. We may not hold our children in our arms, but we do hold them in our hearts. Take time to honor yourself today.

This is a pic of Mom's goodie basket and her newly painted piggies.

Go check out what the rest of the class is showing today!

Where's the wildlife? Too cute Tuesday ( the late edition)

2009-05-05T22:22:00.006-05:00

So, as I mentioned, yesterday we piled up 80 kindergarteners on a bus and drove over an hour away to provide them with priceless memories and experiences with the world's wildlife. We saw tigers, giraffes, elephants, birds, etc. They were excited enough to see all these cool critters, but the highlight of their day?

This was the part of the day where we as teachers were supposed to sigh satisfactorily over a job well done. Hours of planning, phone calls, reservations, parents, money woes, prayers for the rain to give way - it would all be clear after this moment that our pains had been worth every second.

It wasn't exactly the smug sigh we normally have.

Can you spot the wildlife?

Maybe this will help....

Yep. This was the star of the zoo. A worm - to which they excitedly exclaimed, "It's alive Mrs. Arian! It's really alive!"

"Yes, that one is alive, kids because we all know how today's zoos love to sneak cuddly deceased critters into their exhibits."

I Should've Been a Roofer!

2009-05-05T00:23:00.002-05:00

Went to the doc today.... After going on a field trip with 80 kindergarteners to the zoo. I'm so stupid sometimes! What had started as a couple of blisters, turned into a nasty purplish blister with pink streaks running up my hand. No worries though. I traipsed through the zoo one-handedly escorting 4 very excited kids. We rushed all over the first half so we could make it through to the end. The second half I ran into my teacher that I work for and we joined our group for a rowdy 7. By lunch, the pink streaks had turned an angry red and ran all the way up to my armpit.

Getting my appointment was nuts! My little bro had driven my mom's car up there and he and I took off as the kids lined up for the potty before they left for home. We flew back, but thankfully made it in time.

The doc had squeezed me in, so I waited a long time. He came in, took one look at my very, very painful arm and said, "That my dear lady, is the shingles." By this point, my condition looked nothing like any shingles I had ever seen. I raised an eyebrow and he asked more questions. I explained that I get this at least once a year and that I had been to an ER and two other docs. None of them had ever given me an answer.

He started me on some anti-viral medicine as well as some really great pain meds. He said that the streaks on my arm would probably blister up by tomorrow. He asked if I ever had pain in that finger after it healed up. I told him I did sometimes. He told me that I have chronic recurring shingles. It isn't common, but it does happen, especially in someone that hasn't ever been given medicine for it. He was very honest and told me that we would hopefully get it for good, but there was a 50% chance it would keep coming back. I'm ok with that now though. I know what to do.

The pain is horrendous today. Hubby accidentally bumped my arm during dinner and I melted into a sobbing mess. That was with pain meds already taken too. Thankfully, tonight things seem a little less painful (could be the meds). Hopefully, it will ease up in a couple of days with these meds and I can finally go back to doing all the normal wifey things my house desperately needs me to do again!

I will post Too Cute Tuesday, but it will be later on tomorrow night. I know it's hard to bear the thought of going without for even a moment. Be strong though! I know you can make it!

Mother Nature please check your calendar!

2009-05-03T22:19:00.004-05:00

Dear Mother Nature,

It seems to me that you have perhaps caught the pig flu and called out of work the past week leaving your little workers to run amuck and create this insane chaos down here! If that isn't the case... Check your calendar!

It is May! April showers are over with! Even if there were a few days left in April, I don't think dumping a month's worth of rain in three days is a wise executive decision. Planting season is upon us and I know I'm not the only one keeping my little tomato plants under shelter until this insanity passes through!

**** As an aside, you guys are awesome! It has taken a ridiculous amount of time to type this out. The pain in my hand is unbearable and I will be kind and spare you all the ickiness of an updated and much worse picture! I can't straighten my arm now b/c of the swelling. I do believe I will be squeezing in a doc's appt tomorrow!

Thanks for your kind words and your support even in non IF related issues. I would be so lost without you all!

Love,
Arian

P.S. Oh yeah and Mother Nature, I'm still holding out hope for that zoo field trip tomorrow, bum arm and all! I pray you will take prompt action in finding a place for all these flood waters between now and eight o'clock tomorrow morning! May I suggest that you begin by shutting off the rain dump valve?

Medical Mystery

2009-05-02T21:57:00.006-05:00

*******Please do not read if you are faint of heart or have a sensitivity to ouchie looking pics.********

This morning I woke up and my hand was throbbing. I crooked my right index finger to rub my eyes and pain seared down my hand. Further investigation showed me six barely visible blistering spots on the outside of my finger at the base of the joint. I almost fell in the floor in tantrum like tears. I've had this happen a lot. I knew what was coming. I should have seen it last night when it hurt to use a kitchen knife. It has been a long time since I had this last though and I guess it just never occured to me.

I waited in dreaded aniticipation for the swelling to set in. Sure enough, within two hours my finger was immobile, red, painful, and the swelling was creeping down the back of my hand. Another hour and the blisters doubled in size.

I went to a very nearby pharmacy and asked the pharmacist on duty what would be good to put on it. No one has ever been able to find anything to help it clear up. I've been to two doctors. I should have known. I almost laughed when the woman asked in a very heavy foreign accent if I had been hiking in poison ivy. It was worth a try. I shrugged and did what I usually do; I closed my eyes and just picked an ointment to try (Fyi, anti fungal isn't the key!).

I am now sitting here with this stupid finger that aches all the way to my elbow. Eventually the blisters will burst and the skin will peel much like a severe burn. It usually takes about four months for it to heal. It is alway on the same finger and it is always on the side of one of the joints in said finger.

I am hoping that someone out there can shed some light on this painful problem and dare I hope, someone might have a solution. I truly think this has something to do with me going off met for a couple of weeks. I haven't had them since going on met. I had to come off of it while I was sick and have been gradually getting back on track. Curse PCOS!

If I haven't grossed you out too much, go over to Mel's and see what the rest of the class is showing.

The Wall

2009-05-01T21:16:00.003-05:00

The last time that I stared at a stark white hpt, something snapped in me. I think I hit the infertile's version of "the wall." I wasn't ready to see a looming impassable wall staring me down. I just shut down and turned away, sitting in the middle of the road until I could decide what to do next. I didn't cry. I just turned away.

Hubby and I have one more try with clomid and my doc. That last try is on the other side of the wall along with my desire to put my body through more frustration and unnatural turmoil. Clomid is rough on my body. The side effects I experience aren't unusual or extreme. Still, when that particular cycle is over, I feel drained and worn down. Could it be mental or emotional? Sure, I suppose, but one thing I learned through this process is how to listen to my body. That last cycle, my body spoke loud and clear!

We have taken several breaks over the last six years. Usually there is a degree of guilt and panic that settles into the vacant spaces left by temping and calendar obsessing. This time, with the wall staring down on me, there was no guilt. I felt no panic. I just had an overwhelming desire to walk away and never turn back.

The past couple of weeks have been very healing. Many people have come out of the woodworks with stories and words of love that I just can't chalk up to coincidence. The women's bible study that I help my mom do, just happened to speak so profoundly to infertility one night that floodgates burst open with someone very close to me ( a post about that later. It deserves a whole one). I was very affected by the lesson and brought it home for Hubby to watch again with me. It brought me peace and a decision.

Infertility takes such a strong hold on our world and I think that we forget how important it is to take care of ourselves through the process. To sustain a successful pregnancy and bring a baby home is the ultimate goal, but if we are not okay when that baby comes home, I don't think we can be the most effective parent we can be. I have been forced to allow infertility to rob me of the magic and wonder of starting a family. I will never have faith in my body or hope that I might deserve my deepest desires. I refuse to allow infertility to rip away the joy of being a new parent. If I ever have a child I want to enjoy every second. I earned that right. I have to be okay so that is possible.

I filled out my application for college a couple of weeks before our last cycle. My mom asked what I would do if it worked. My first gut instinct was to tell her "Don't worry, it won't." Instead, I just replied, "If God lets me have a child, I will do whatever is necessary to take the very best care of my child." In August I will become a student once again. I am determined to finish my degree this time. I only lack two years. When I finish, I think I will feel more together and satisfied with my life and my ability to parent. My future child gives me enormous motivation to get done quickly and do it well.

It's funny. As infertiles we search desperately and endlessly to be joined with our child. With Mother's Day approaching, we all need to remember, we are already mothers and we are doing everything we can to take care of our babies... even before they come to us. I don't think there is any better display of a true mother's love.

Too Cute Tuesday... Ouch with a cherry on top

2009-04-28T06:00:00.002-05:00

Monday morning as roll was called, the teacher stopped to ask one little girl if her mother was coming to help us with reading today.

Little Girl's reply...

Oh, uh - no. She can't come. She sprinkled her ankle.

Chick out my show and tell!

2009-04-26T08:23:00.003-05:00

As promised although fast and furiously typed....

Guess what we've been doing in our class?

This is as adorable as these things ever get for me. I don't like them. They stink from beginning to end. I will admit, I would totally suck as a farm girl! Still, this one pic turned out sweet and cuddly eh?

Go check out the rest of the class!

Let the sick be gone from here!

2009-04-25T18:29:00.002-05:00

Thursday started like any normal Thursday would. I woke up grumbling and still sleepy, forcing myself into the shower and then into my pants. Mom pulled in the parking lot to pick me up and as I walked down the steps of our apartment, I realized my arms and legs felt really heavy. I kicked myself in the butt mentally for going to bed so late the night before and crawled into her car.

She picked me up at 7:20. By 8:00 the nausea had set in and my entire body ached. I kept thinking that if I could just make it till lunch, I would be fine. I called Hubby to bring me some medicine, but he was asleep and I had put the phone in the other room to keep him that way. Darn my kindness sometimes! In the middle of calling my house five million times, my legs started to give way. I was beyond exhausted. I started bawling (something I don't normally do unless I'm really sick) and called my brother to come pick me up and carry my pathetic tush home.

I slept for three days.

Seriously.

That night Hubby came home to a feverish mess of a wife that couldn't eat or stand without help. I had been asleep for about twelve hours at that point. He gave me medicine, tried to get me to eat, tucked me back in, and I was out until one o'clock Friday afternoon. I ate some soup, went back to sleep at two and got up again at seven. I managed three or four hours of television watching before crashing again until sometime this afternoon.

I have no clue what has befallen me, but I am calling it out right now! I demand that whatever this craziness is, leaves my house before tomorrow! Get Out! I have too much to do! I can not be bothered with this silly stuff!

I will say that today I feel almost human again. My head is still splitting and my arms and legs don't seem to want to move that well, but I can eat and sit up which is a drastic improvement!

I will have a post for show and tell tomorrow! The sickness can split my skull, suck the life out of my limbs, leave me writhing in nauseating misery, but By Georgie! there will be a show and tell post!

Letting Go

2009-04-22T07:27:00.003-05:00

This song has gotten into my skin, and I'll tell ya, it just sums up how I feel. The freedom and joy in this song are infectious and you just can't help but smile.

Woohoo! A Show and Tell post

2009-04-19T00:29:00.006-05:00

I had an amazing weekend. I learned so much and had a chance to truly enjoy myself without the realities of life crashing the party! I am very thankful that I was blessed with a break from the pain I can't seem to shake lately. I'm only sorry that I couldn't bring each one of you with me!

I thought I would keep it short and sweet this week with a few pics from the weekend. I'm sorry these are a bit raw. I still haven't gotten my comp set up (I've been busy!) completely and it seems that my editing program is mia. I promise I will try to have all my duckies in a row by next week!

It has been a long time since I have enjoyed watching the sun come up. It was beautiful and could not have been more fitting for the day we had ahead of us!

This is the second year the festival has been at this particular church. I vowed last year that if I ever came back I would take pictures of these windows. I love them!

This is what happens when a bunch of clowns get together and have too much fun! The clown is looking over at a large parachute they were opening up at the foot of the stage. They used it to bounce beach balls into the audience!

Now quit clowning around and go check out the other showers and tellers this week!

The week of omgolly!

2009-04-16T22:02:00.002-05:00

I have so many things brewing right now that I am just itching to get out and talk with you all about. Amazing and wonderful things have been happening this week!

Unfortunately, there have been some irritating and exhausting things too that have put blogging on the back burner.

My comp went kaput for a couple of days. It is now up and running, but it has been wiped clean and it is going to be a painstakingly slow process to transfer everything back and organize it all the way it should be.

This has also been testing week for our school. I proctor (stand around and make sure the kids and teacher don't do anything illegal during the test) a second grade class. The second grade is using a brand new test format this year and it has us all in a tizzie. There are a billion rules and regulations and they are all brand new to us. I'm ready to pull my hair out with all of it. Poor kids, they have had enough of it too. Thankfully, tomorrow is the end!

I am going out of town tomorrow for an awesome weekend learning about dramatic arts in church. My mom and I go every year and I am giddy with excitement about going tomorrow! I won't sleep a wink tonight!

Emotionally there is a multitude of work being done. It is all good and healing, but it has taken its toll on me and I am tired, raw, and drained.

I'm sorry my blogging has been a bit spotty lately. Please bear with me. I promise, there is goodness coming! I just have to get to a place outside and in where I can tell you without it sounding like a jumbled up mess.

Too Cute Tuesday... Superhero edition!

2009-04-13T22:58:00.002-05:00

I bet you didn't know that we have Superheroes in our kindergarten!

Well, it's true!

In our class right now, we have one awesomely amazing "Imiana Dones."
(I so wish I could record him saying this for you all! It is the cutest, funniest thing ever!)

I love this kid so much and I swear if it ever came to pass, I would go through flaming hoops to give this little boy a home with the creative outlets he so desperately needs!

So, Imiana Dones was sitting at his table a couple of weeks ago and he was struggling to stay with the teacher during her lesson. He was fidgety and antsy all morning. He didn't complete his work that day and got in trouble several times for unruly behavior. This is not uncommon for our little Imiana, but on this particular day he had been exceptionally wound up.

I came in to the room just in time to hear his exasperated teacher ask him, "Imiana, what on earth has caused you to have such a difficult time today?"

The adorable Imiana looked up at his teacher with wide blue-eyed innocence and then hung his head shaking it just slightly back and forth in disgust. Finally, he looked up and shrugged with his hands in the air never missing a beat.

"I dunno Miss Teacher, it's just - my powers. Dey aren't working wif me today."

I left the room just before bursting into a fit of giggles.

Hollywood's Adoption

2009-04-13T09:33:00.001-05:00

I have been spending a lot of time at my parents' house recently. Loneliness has taken over my house and my usual tricks to fill the silence haven't worked. When Hubby goes to work I pack up a few things and hang out over there until he gets off work and things aren't so quiet anymore.

Friday I was watching television and Flashpoint came on. I've never seen it before, but Dad said it was good so I settled in to watch it. The show just happened to be dealing with a baby (of course). The episode dealt with a young girl and boy. The boy had gotten scared and left when the girl became pregnant. In his absence she did what she felt was best for her child. She found an infertile family through an agency and provided her son with a family that could provide for him. The show was heartwrenching and provided an unusual point of view from the birth father and mother.

Amidst the drama and action of the story, I found one aspect of the show that left me unsettled and frustrated. I realized that most movies or television shows depict adoptive parents and birth parents in the same stereotypical light. The family that adopted the little boy was a wealthy couple with a large home and expensive decor throughout. The birth mother was unmarried, young, and alone.

I feel like this is such a misrepresentation of adoption. I think it is the reason why Hubby and I are so afraid to explore the option. Celebreties in the media haven't helped the situation, waving around their millions and gettiing special expedited adoptions. It makes me feel like without a huge home and fancy original gallery pieces, we are unworthy of parenting a child.

Now in reality, I know of several couples in our community that disprove this stereotype. Infact, one of my coworkers and good friends happens to be one such couple. She is a teacher and her husband is a police officer. They don't make a heap of money, but they have the most beautiful little girl and she has everything she could ever need and then some. Still, it makes it harder to consider that opinion with so many conflicting signals out there.

I have always been open to adoption, but Hubby is still on the fence. I know some of his setbacks come from things he has seen and heard on television and in the media. It makes me wonder how many other families are out there that have shaky feelings about adoption because of the media's misguided depictions.

Blustery Days... A show and tell

2009-04-11T23:42:00.007-05:00

Friday was a sad and scary day for a lot of people. We were not in the town most affected, but we do not live far away from it. Hubby and I spent a very tense half hour crouched in the bathtub with the pups and a radio as the storm raged by us. Since living here, there have been several scary weather situations, but we have never felt the need to take cover like we did on Friday. Nature was out in full force making sure that everyone could feel her raw power.

It breaks my heart to see the pictures of uprooted lives continuously flashed across the television. My prayers and thoughts go out to everyone affected by the storms Friday.

I am one of those crazies that loves to go out and take pictures of menacing weather. To my dismay, one of my coworkers had borrowed the memory card from my fancy schmancy camera to work on a project this weekend. My little camera has always been wonderful to me, but since getting my new one, it feels grotesquely inadequate. Still, here's a few pics. I didn't feel as brave as normal with this storm and I ducked back in the house long before the worst of it hit.

This was not the worst of the hail but it gives you a good idea of how much there was. About thirty seconds after this pic was taken, the hail started flying sideways onto our balcony. I decided that being knocked out by a golf ball of ice wasn't a very safe thing to do.

This was taken before the hail moved in.

This was taken after the storm moved out. If you look at the trees, you can see that this is almost identical to the previous picture (minus, of course, the storm). It was taken not even an hour after the previous one.

Just to give you an idea of the wind, this was taken after the storm had moved on. We stayed under a tornado watch until around seven that night. The power of the wind was unbelievable!

Buggy Too Cute Tuesday

2009-04-06T23:19:00.002-05:00

I was at church a few Sundays ago with my 2 year olds. We were having fun playing a game on the carpet when one of them spotted a bug that had expired. She came to me with a worried look and pointed, saying "Budgh. Wook. Budgh Yuck!"

All four of them crowded around the belly up beetle and waited expectantly for him to scatter away. One of the little boys looked up at me and frowned. "He bwoke," he said, confused. Then I saw eight little eyes looking at me for a response.

I thought it was as good a time as any to introduce them to a gentle explanation of death. I know it is just a bug to some, but for two and three year olds, it is a big deal. I nodded. "Yes, Mr. Bug is broken."

The same little boy smiled and said "Oh, Awian fix."

I shook my head. "No, Mr. Bug is a kind of broken that we can't fix."

With instant understanding the little boy looked up and said triumphantly...

"His battewy wunned out."

All the kids took this as a perfectly acceptable idea and went back to playing.

Who could argue with such a simple explanation?

2009-04-02T20:57:00.002-05:00

Dear Senator,

My name is Arian. I am writing you in response to bill HB2159. I think this bill is horrible. It is a shame that we are allowing the actions of one irresponsible doctor to culminate such ridiculous laws that snatch rights away from responsible, loving women who want nothing more than to have a family.

I am 27 years old. My husband and I have been married for 6 years and we have been trying to have a baby just as long. The process is an emotionally traumatic one with the most intimate act of marriage stripped of all dignity and privacy. I can understand the desire to have a child. I know how frustrating it is to see a clock looming in the future and praying that your time doesn't run out.

I think it is wonderful that we live in a country where a woman can choose to remain unmarried and still see her goals and dreams become a reality. We have made so much progress in the past decades and it sickens me to think that we are stepping back in time again. If this bill passes, it is only a matter of time before laws are put in place to prevent couples like my husband and I from ever having a family. It seems like laws these days are backwards, awarding unloving parents that never wanted their children, while taking away the opportunities of loving and able families.

In addition to taking the rights of women seeking motherhood, this bill is also a very expensive addition to an already strained budget. I can't see how you all can talk about letting thousands of jobs go that are integral parts of our lives and in the same breath, suggest a new bill that would cost over $50,000 dollars and provide another job or maybe two. How many people will lose their jobs to fund this bill. Is a single mother seeking to start a family truly such a strain on our state's economy? Have you all considered how much it costs in the state of Tennessee for egg donation and IVF? Thousands of dollars go into one treatment. The average woman has to go through several of these treatments to be successful. The women you are targetting are not irresponsible or looking for free handouts! These are women that make enough to support their children and recognize the cost in raising a child alone. On the other hand, how many social workers and DHS workers will you let go in order to fund this bill? How many parents out there that are unable to take care of their children will suffer? How many babies will be put at risk so that this bill can become a reality?

I think we need to ask ourselves how this money could be put to better use. Which crisis is more pressing? As an elementary school employee, I hear and see daily evidence of our shortcomings with social services and help for our children. Rarely do I ever see problems or suffering children because a woman decided to raise a family on her own or with a same sex partner.

I thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope that you too will see how irrational this bill is, especially in our current financial situation. I hope you can ask yourself how much effect this bill will have on our state's economy. I haven't heard anyone ever say that single women or same sex partners put our state in the economic situation we are in. I haven't seen any major headlines about irresponisble doctors and high order multiples draining our state of valuable dollars. I'm sure you haven't either. Think through this bill and I beg of you, please vote with a clear head and rational reasoning.

Thank you,
Arian

**** I guess we need to start saving for our Clinic treatments sooner than I thought. It is only a matter of time till they start trying to take that hope away from us too...

Thanks Mel for pointing this out!

http://www.eggdonor.com/blog/2009/03/31/tennessee-seeking-to-ban-ivf-for-unmarried-individuals/

What do we do?

2009-03-30T16:54:00.002-05:00

We got a BFN this afternoon. Right before I started spotting again.

Now what?

Seriously, I don't know what to do next. We have a plan in place with the doc to go up to 150mg, but honestly at this point I feel so defeated. It seems so stupid to keep pouring money into this. What is one more set of pills gonna do for us? If God had intended us to have a child, why would that one month make any difference?

I'm so angry at Him right now. I don't understand all of this. I feel so trapped too. I just want to curl up in a dark corner of the world and disappear right now, but I can't. I have surrounded myself with the very thing that causes me the most pain: other people's children. It is in every part of my life. I can't help it though. The need to fill that void somehow just draws me to them. They break my heart and hold it together all at the same time.

The ideal plan would be to cry a bit, hurt alot, dust off and try for this one last time. My body is working the right way and we are on a roll. It isn't possible though. We have to come up with $150 in just a few days. We won't have it. The timing on this is horrible. We have gone through all of our savings for medicine and copays. There aren't any more coffee cans in the back yard.

Part of me says," Well, that's your sign. Time to pack it up and quit."
The other part keeps saying," You'll never be able to quit and just leave that one last try sitting there on the table." It's like the last dinner roll, you can't just leave it all alone there in the basket. No matter how full, someone will step up and eat it.

The failure and disappointment feel like they are suffocating me right now. We're just stuck in the middle of the pond just out of reach of the oars. I guess our picnic is over.

April Showers too soon

2009-03-29T03:41:00.003-05:00

I am amazed at how green things have gotten over the past week! I spent the entire week confined to either bed or couch, unable to breathe or move. I haven't been that sick in ages. I have no idea what it was because I was too sick to get out of bed and go to the doctor. I just took some tylenol and waited painfully for the next wave of sleep to take over. By Friday, I sounded horrible, but I was able to stand for more than a few seconds and I felt a million times better! I finally went to Mom's for a bit that night and it was shocking to see how quickly spring had sprung in my absence.

Saturday brought with it sounds of thunder and more signs of nature's awakening. The rain started to fall as I headed out to pick up some dinner. I told Hubby how beautiful it was outside. The sky was like a checkerboard, one minute sunny, the next black. Sure enough, as I drove down the road, a tornado warning came across the radio for some neighboring counties. We never faced any dangers, but other places had quite a bit of damage.

I took the chance to snap up a few shots before running in to pee. I had no idea that the clouds had also brought someone else with them. I stared in disbelief at the pink tp for a long time. It confused me. It isn't time yet. We still have four days. I was out of pads, toilet paper, I was so screwed!

I called my mom and they happened to be on their way home. They were very ironically driving past my house at that moment and swung by to pick me up. I stayed at their house until Hubby got off work. I couldn't sit in our house alone. For the first time ever, Mom listened to our plans and she was supportive and asked questions. It felt good to talk to someone.

I got home and there is not even a slight tinge of spotting. I don't know what in this world is going on with my body. I'm so frustrated with it right now. I'm sure tomorrow will tell us more, but for now the clouds still cover up all of our hopes and dreams. We hoped so much that it would work this time. We are $150 short for the next cycle, our last with this doctor. There are lots of painful decisions to be made it seems and I prayed so hard that we would be spared. Why can't the universe just be straight-forward with me? Instead, I get the run around and the guessing games. If you have any connections with St. Peter or Gabriel, perhaps you could send 'em an email for Hubby and me. Maybe they just accidentally forgot that it's been raining over here for the past 6 years.

Sorry for such a gloomy S&T this week. Perhaps you should go check out the rest of the class...

Crawling out of bed post

2009-03-23T22:57:00.002-05:00

I've been a bad blogger. It wasn't because I forgot any of you. I would love to tell you that I have been whiling away the hours on white sandy beaches in a tropical paradise with the waves licking my toes. I would feel less guilty if I told you I had been so busy lately that I had fallen asleep standing up to save a few precious moments of productivity. I can't tell you those things truthfully, though. Nope, truth is, I've been asleep. Seriously.

Saturday morning I got up and my chest hurt a little. I knew it was coming. Every single time I have a good cycle I get a cold. This time is no different. Well, it is a little. This is just a simple "Help! The pollen thinks I'm a bee!" sort of allergy type cough complete with a runny nose and itchy eyes. It has managed to kick my butt. Or...something has.

I am tired. I'm not really sleeping much more than normal (other than that 2 hour afternoon nap I discreetly added in), it's just that I feel like I am carrying around an extra 50 pound weight in my pocket. The girls have gone on an "All hands off deck!" strike too. Ow! It doesn't help either that my brain has begun to swim Phelps-like circles around and around in my head. I was completely prepared for all this silliness. I knew that I would have side effects. I wasn't quite expecting my face to catch fire from a 99.1 degree temp for the past three days, but my body loves to throw in a few surprises. Speaking of surprises, I totally love that lurching feeling my stomach takes when food enters the room. Half of it wants to devour every crumb while the other half tries stoically to hold on to my last meal. My body is completely nuts!

That little Sheldon is really doing a number on me this time. I just hope he gets enough giggles to stick around until...say... Christmas?!?!

Garble...

2009-03-19T23:08:00.002-05:00

I had a nice neat post all prepared to rush home and whittle out, but my brain is mush. I have gone to training two nights this week until nine o'clock and tonight I had my weekly women's study at church until eight thirty. This post is going to be a garble. I apologize.

I did have the full 10k units of hcg. The doc never gave me the details on his plan, so I'm not sure what he intended. I just pray that perhaps this is the jump start my little Sheldon needs.

How do I feel? Well, exhausted. I'm tired. I know most of it has to do with how busy I have been this week and probably a bit to do with the hamster wheel that is spinning furiously in my brain. I don't want to wait. I want to know. I hate this. Also, my "girls" omg. They are sore right now. I'm not sure whether the hormones are affecting them more than the fact that I was put on the ground in restraint training last night and my poor "girls" got caught in the middle. There is weird twingy, crampy, bloated type feelings going on in my abdomen. I have also battled a loss of appetite. I get hungry but I can only eat a little of it. I'm sure that has to do with the bloat.

I'm a bit frustrated about the events of my training last night. We had to do restraint training to make up some hours that we had missed due to snow. Restraints are used when a child becomes violent or out of control. I signed up a couple of months ago for it and the timing couldn't have been worse. We got out of school at three thirty and had to be half an hour away at four thirty. We had no dinner break and got out at eight thirty for the half hour drive home. Ugh!

I don't like to miss any days, ever. My recent absences raised a bit of an eyebrow and I had several questions. I answered them truthfully and as vaguely as I could, but you know how teachers are. They have to know it all! The second night of our training was totally physical. We had to learn the restraints and perform them correctly in order to pass. I have been trained before so I knew what to expect. Several of my coworkers did not and they threw a hissy that I would consider participating "in my condition." Thankfully, our school nurse came to my aid and assured everyone that she would sit me out if it became to strenuous.

It was flattering I suppose to be fussed over, but it bothered me. Everyone has turned this into a big ordeal this month. They mean well, and they are very sweet and motherly, but they just don't get it. This feels like just another month for me. It is just another wait. It is a time of silent whispered hope and prayer as well as preparation for the crushing grief to follow. I'm doing all I can to hang on as it is. I'm glad to have their support, but I think I would rather go it alone sometimes. I can't imagine the reaction if it doesn't work. I have a hard enough time without all those people. I'm pretty sensitive to everything right now and this particular subject is extremely tender. I'm not sure what to do or how to handle it.

Thankfully, tomorrow afternoon I begin a wonderful week of spring break. I am going to rest and keep my feet up all week hopefully. I want Sheldon to have a chance to get real comfortable for a nice long stay. I have never wanted this more than I do right now. I just hope he knows that.

Needly St. Pat's

2009-03-17T22:54:00.003-05:00

I was supposed to go in for an ultrasound yesterday to check out my response to the clomid. I already knew it was more than likely an internal u/s, so I told Hubby that I wanted to "freshen up" before we left. He kept fussing at me to hurry that there was no reason to do that when the doc was just going to slap some gel on my belly and we'd be done. Of course I had to be right. I thought maybe since I was still bleeding just a little, that he would tell me we couldn't do it this month, but he went right on.

The ultrasound showed that my right ovary isn't doing anything really. The doc pointed it out and explained where the follicles were and the sizes. He expressed his disappointment and then said "Let's check the left just in case."

When he scanned over it, Hubby popped up and said, "Ooh, those are good ones!" The doctor laughed and agreed. I have one beautiful little follicle named Fran that was at about 16 mm.

Doc printed out a pic and disappeared for a little while. He came in and told us that he wanted to do an hcg trigger. He said it wasn't proven to help, but it couldn't hurt. We would have to go to this one specific pharmacy and pick it up and bring it back. We had not been planning on forking out the cash for an injection and told him we couldn't do it right then. No worries though, he told me to come in first thing in the morning. We went home and I called every pharmacy in town to try and find someone local that could fill the script so I didn't miss another day at work. The only pharmacy for many miles happens to be that one and they keep it on hand for my doc's partner.

Now, just a bit of background... My doc's partner happens to be the one that helped my mom get me. It is a long running joke with all of us at work that his office is where babies come from. We are pretty sure that my doc took the measurements over to the other doc and that is where we came up with this sudden deviation in the plan. I think it's pretty cool that this time he had a hand in it. Hopefully, he is where babies come from after all!

I took off this morning and got to the pharmacy just as it opened. I had issues with a lady about using my insurance card. I refused and she got huffy. Thankfully, the pharmacist had remembered me from the day before and he rescued me. The pharmacy has a beautiful picture of a baby with angel wings and the inside is loaded with gorgeous baby things. Perhaps it was a good sign?

I got to the office and doc was in surgery. The nurses had never given anyone an hcg shot before. They made me take a pg test which I thought was hilarious. They decided it should be broken into two injections; one on each side. I'm not a person that minds needles. I had several surgeries as a kid and was very used to being poked. I had a brief spell of piercings and tattoos. This injection was so slow and it stung a little, but no biggie. Well, until I had driven half an hour home and went straight to work. My back is very sore.

I hope to goodness that this works. We are going to have a bit of fun with it though and go buy a few tests. It may be the only positive I ever get to see, so why not? I guess tonight, we do the hokey pokey till we pass out and then pray for the best right? Surely the fact that it's the luckiest day of the year can't hurt.

Too Cute Tuesday... Happy St. Patty's!

2009-03-17T00:09:00.006-05:00

This is one of my favorite days of the year! Spring, Hubby's bday, green, rainbows, the word "blarney," they all get me excited. This year we made Leprechaun traps in our classes. It was so much fun to see them all work together to concoct some sort of plan to trap a leprechaun. Remember, these are kindergarteners. They worked so hard on these! I thought you all would love to see them...

This one is pretty neat. The leprechaun is supposed to think the bell is gold and grab it. When he pulls on it the door is attached to the bell via string and pulls closed like a draw bridge, trapping the leprechaun inside. There are little pillows, air holes, a pipe cleaner soaked in water (if he gets thirsty) and a couple of tiny pieces of my granola mix for food.

With this one, there is a second hole with "gold" tempting him to jump in. Once inside he will get confused and caught in all of the stuff.

This one is funny. There is actually a cup in there that you can't see. He is supposed to think that the bottle (with glued on sequins) is treasure. Once inside he will see the sparkly sequins baited under the cup. The cup will fall over on him and he will be trapped. There are bells attached to let you know when he is caught.

The point of this last one is to coax him to the egg. Once in the egg, he will fight and get stuck in the glue dotted in the bottom and the egg will close trapping him inside.

Hopefully they will catch one tomorrow. I am afraid I will have to miss out on the fun. I have to go run down a vial of hcg tomorrow and get it to the doc by 9am for an injection. Fun times.

A Wonderful Gift! (Show and Tell)

2009-03-14T19:24:00.005-05:00

Friday I got paid, and Hubby and I did all of the necessary running around before he left for work in order to pay the bills. Our final stop was at the rent office. I ran in to pay and Hubby volunteered to grab the mail. When I climbed back in the car, my seat was taken over by a box! I knew immediately what it was and squealed with delight.

I raced up the stairs and opened the box. My eyes glazed over with wonder at all of the beautiful colors packed inside. Thank you, thank you, thank you to my wonderful friend Kristin! I can't wait to make something wonderful in return!

Check out the rest of the class!

Take a look...

2009-03-11T22:16:00.002-05:00

Very cool site with a wonderful cause. Go check them out.
Tide's Loads of Hope Website

You can also get your own vintage tee here and support their hard work:
http://tidetshirts.pgvillage.com/c-9-show-all.aspx?_vsc=tide4

The Sisterhood

2009-03-11T10:00:00.001-05:00

Thanks to wonderful, fabulous VA Blondie over at Do Without Doing I have received the Sisterhood Award! This is such a perfect award because I truly feel like I have found a sisterhood of wonderful women to help me stumble around on this icky, bumpy road. I feel very blessed to be included in this amazing circle! Thank you very much VA! I love ya!

The rules for accepting the award are as follows: Put the logo on your blog or post. Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude. Be sure to link to your nominees in your post. Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog. Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

These are my nominees in no particular order (My brain is not working well enough for any sort of order right now!).

1. Leanne has a great blog and two beautiful new babies! I've been reading her for a long time and I think she is fabulous!

2. Jenni at Trying to Become Pregnant With PCOS has been in my group of reads for a long time too. I love her funny stories. She has had a very hard road, but finally she is close to the end of the finish line!

3. Emily is another long time read. She has been through so much and she still keeps going. I admire her perserverance and strength so much.

4. WaterBishop at An Older Version has a wonderful blog. She has gone through a lot lately and could use a virtual hug.

5. May is awesome! I love the way she writes her posts.

6. Awake on the Night Shift always has fun posts too. I look forward to seeing her pictures and captions.

7. Un-Simple Procreation is a fun blog. She has just changed her blog, but she linked it on her old one. I am so happy that she has crossed the finish line and has a beautiful little girl for a prize!

8. Betty always has something fun to say. She has a lot going on right now and I hope she does whatever makes her the happiest!

9. Who doesn't love Kristen!? I've been reading her blog for a long time and she has been a wonderful support sister for me!

10. Finding Motherhood is last on the list. I lost her for a while after a comp crash mixed up my fav's list and I was overjoyed to find her again with a little one on the way!

I guess that wraps it up. There are tons more out there that have been such a wonderful source of encouragement and warm fuzzies for me. I don't know what I would do without you all!

*******Oh yeah! By the way... A Very happy birthday to Eden!

Too Cute Tuesday...An Extra Leg

2009-03-10T19:09:00.003-05:00

The little boy that did this gave me his description of his creation this morning. I asked him why he had added another leg. He looked at me with a "Duh" expression and said, "I wanted him to run faster Mrs. Arian!"

This is one of the few I have seen in the past years that was purely unintentional.

New Critters!

2009-03-08T18:00:00.003-05:00

Hubby was so awesome on Thursday after our appointment. He let me get new fish! They are Paradise Gouramis. They still remain nameless, but hopefully will have names this week as well as a new tank. Oh yes and please pardon the mish mosh of gravel and decor. This tank at one time belonged to a very special little girl's hermit crab and I haven't been able to let go of the rather "colorful" decor. Perhaps next week I can show you pictures of the happy couple in their new home!

Check out what the rest of the class is showing!

The Verdict

2009-03-05T18:12:00.002-06:00

We have two more cycles.

We are going to try 100mg of clomid this month with an ultrasound on day 13. If that doesn't work, we will try one cycle with 150mg and he will monitor that one as well. If that doesn't work.... off to the clinic we go.

Where we are

2009-03-04T23:27:00.002-06:00

I had an appointment scheduled for Tuesday.

It snowed. I was out of school. Hubby's days off got messed up. One of my checks was delayed. The check was supposed to pay for the appt. We could have gone despite the whole check issue, but I just didn't want to. I still don't really want to go.

I rescheduled for Thursday and I'm not backing out. Hubby will be off and he is going with me. I started to buy a test tonight and Hubby told me not to bother. I hate that the hopeless bug has gotten him too. I'm pretty certain I'm not, but I can't argue with that tiny little "what if." I wanted to test before hand. I don't want to go in and ask for a test and then look like a moron when it's neg. Still, I know he will put me on Provera at the very least and I hate that .000001% chance that I don't need it.

I'm hoping he can help me figure out my migraine issue. I keep telling myself that is the main reason for my trip. I don't want to consider the true reason or the possible weight of the discussion we will have behind closed doors. It makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry.

Today I even caught myself saying, you know, I "mother" hundreds of kids every year. Shouldn't that be enough? Perhaps this is the only motherhood I am destined to know. Maybe I was never supposed to be a mom. I should feel blessed with what opportunities I have.

Ugh! This mess makes me so crazy. I want to take infertility and all the stuff that goes with it and fling it as far off the edge of the world as I can. I want to scream at the universe to "Suck it!" and stomp and kick with the best two year olds.

Instead, I will pack my little bag of goodies to occupy Hubby while we wait for the real women to be seen. I will go to the doctor like an obedient little infertile and sit in plain view so the ladies with the bulging bellies can see what such an odd and piteous creature looks like.

Happy Birthday

2009-03-03T20:35:00.003-06:00

I intended to show you this for show and tell, then it snowed. I then, planned on showing it to you Monday on his birthday. I sat down to do the post and something entirely different came out. I decided that it was just meant to be that way and left it. Anyhoo, this is one of the kindergarten doors I did to celebrate "Read Across America" week. It is probably my favorite door so far and I spend way too much time outside smiling at it! Sorry for the glare. The lights wouldn't cooperate with me that day.

The pink things are the "poofs" that Horton has to sift through to find the one his friends reside on. The kids drew a picture of them in the center of their poof and we put a "speck" of pink glitter on each poof. The children insisted on having a speck. That is after all, where the Who's lived.

Just in case you are wondering... I did not freehand that elephant! I used a projector and traced his image from the book. Muuuch easier to do!