Can't we just skip to Friday?

This week has been unbelievably difficult on all levels.

We moved my grandmother into an apartment three buildings down from me this week. I'm glad she is no longer an hour away from us, but it's a hefty responsibility to add to my already overflowing load.

I started bleeding very heavily this week while still taking Provera. I called the doc and he said that this was actually a good thing, and that my body should adjust to the high doses of Provera in the next couple of months (!!!).

The past couple of days I haven't felt well. I'm real weak and sluggish and weepy. I started taking iron per the doc. Tonight I woke up at one am with a severe pain in my lower back, cramping, a huge gush of blood, and then I got sick. I'm not sure if it was something I ate, the iron, all the bleeding and stress, or the kid that lost his breakfast at school this morning. I'm still feeling pretty wonky and I never get sick like that, so I think I may play it safe and stay home from work tomorrow. My body is obviously not doing so well right now.

It hasn't been all bad though. I've lost 15 pounds so far since my last doctor's appointment at the end of September. My diet and exercise plan are easier now and in fact I'm having to push to eat enough calories right now. I still stay pretty weak most of the time, so I can't exercise like most people, but I've started recognizing my limits and I try to take it easy on days that I don't feel well. I'm still losing weight, so I have to be doing something right.

Pictures!

As promised, a few of the pics from my trip. These are some of my favorites experiences while I was there. I will post more, but I didn't want to overwhelm you. Usually, I focus on pictures of the landscape and such, but this time I thought it would be fun for you to meet some of the kids I worked with.

This was one of the art projects that we did with the kids. It was a tactile activity for them with sand art. The Belarussian children are extremely artistic and they are very detailed in their work. We actually had to cut out some of our art activities because they try to be so detailed.

On the last day we opted to go with some of the staff on their home visits rather than go on a sight seeing tour they had set up for us. Three ladies visit 80 families each week to deliver groceries and feed or bathe children. Sometimes they just go to homes to talk with the mothers and lend them a kind shoulder.

The older lady you see in this picture is 75 years old. She has trouble walking. The girl in the picture is her grandaughter. She is actually a twin, but you can't see her sister in this picture. They are both completely bedridden now. Had they been given wheelchairs early on and some physical therapy, they could probably do some things on their own. Unfortunately, their bones and muscles have twisted up from years of lying in this bed. This is the only bed the family owns. The grandmother sleeps with them. Their parents abandoned them early on, so when their grandmother becomes unable to care for them, there is no one to help them. The church is trying desperately to find a solution.

I wish I had a picture of this little girl smiling. Her smile lights up the whole room! She is around eleven years old. Yes, that is a baby stroller she is sitting in. It is very difficult and very expensive to find even the most primitive wheelchairs here. They do the best they can with what they have. There was another child at this center that also stayed in a baby stroller. The center has a stroller and the parents have a stroller. When they come to the center, one of the male staff members will carry them up the stairs and get them settled in for the day.

This is a really blurry picture, but I was trying hard to be discreet. These are military patrol units that walk the streets several times a day. They have stations every couple of miles and they do nothing but patrol the area looking for anything they can find. The week before we arrived, they actually raided a church where another team was teaching English to adults. The teams were very lucky and got away with a fine of 12 dollars and they were deported. It could have been much worse!

I thought I would leave you with one of my favorite pictures. This is a parachute that we took with us. It glows in the dark and the kids went nuts over it! We borrowed it from one of our town's schools where one of our team members heads up the CDC classroom. We decided to all pitch in and purchase the school a new one and we left this one there for the kids. It's hard to tell from this picture, but the gentleman in the far left of this picture was overcome with excitment when we did this. He squealed with laughter the whole time. Most of these kids don't even like to smile, so it isn't hard to see why this quickly became one of my favorite pictures.

Something to Focus on

I feel blessed to have an opportunity to focus on something positive during all of this mess and to make a great difference in the world. I am hoping that you all can help to rally some troops and help me out.

As many already know, three years ago I went on a trip to Belarus. It is a beautiful European country that borders Russia. I did not go for a vacation, in fact, our team ended up in a bit of a pickle while we were over there and had an extended stay in Poland that I do not care to ever remember. We went over to help a small church in the middle of one of the outlying towns. The church had begun a special needs program and they wanted some ideas to help make things better. We went and did a sort of camp with them and had a wonderful time teaching the children and adults.

The Belarussian government feels that special needs children are an eyesore. They demonstrate weakness and broken children. When a child for whatever reason is labeled special needs, the mother is forced to quit her job and stay at home full time with her child. The government sends her a very meager check to survive on and she is told that she should not allow her child out into the public, including parks, grocery stores, school, etc.

One very important thing to realize here is that our view on special needs and their view on special needs is entirely different. In Belarus a child with asthma or diabetes is considered special needs. These children can sometimes attend school in the morning, but they are not allowed the opportunity of a full education. It is very rare for a family to have a wheel chair in their home and there are no ramps or other forms of access. The government almost encourages husbands to leave their families when there is a special needs child and there is no respite care for mothers unless other family members come in and help.

Until now, we have only worked with two or three churches in the entire country that help to offer respite care and opportunities for special needs kids. This year a meeting was held by several other churches that want to get involved and help provide a chance for these children to lead normal happy lives.

I have been asked to go on this trip and help teach these churches how to start special needs programs in their community and how to accomodate activities for all levels of ability and development. I am very excited about this and I can't wait to go!

I need to raise the money for my air fare and accomodations while I am there. The total cost of the trip is $2791. This covers air fare, food, and lodging for ten days. I had a second job to take care of this until I got sick. It's been very difficult to work to cover this money on top of everything else although I am trying. My first and largest deposit is due November 30th and it is for $1000. I have several fundraisers in motion, but they do not start until December. I am hoping that you all can pass the word to all of your blogger friends and help me out. Even five dollars will get me that much closer.

I know how wonderful and supportive all of you are and I hope you don't hate me for asking for your help. I have several blankets I plan on raffling and I am very willing to take any crochet jobs you might need me to do as well. I have placed a tip jar to the left for you to click on. Any donations you make are tax deductible. Please tell all of your friends and try to pass this along. Even if you cannot help financially, maybe you know someone that can.

This week I will be posting some of the pictures from my last trip so that you can see what a wonderful opportunity this is. If you would like, I do have a power point presentation and some videos of the trip that I can mail out copies of. Thank you in advance for all of your help, prayers, and support.

One month down... two to go

Tomorrow I start my second month of provera. It wasn't too horrible this month I don't guess. AF and I have definitely had worse issues, but that whole two weeks at a time thing is frustrating.

I'm still hovering at the ten pound mark. I think some of it may have to do with my scale. I tested the theory last night. On three different occasions now I have stepped on the scale while toweling off after a shower and the scale shows that I have lost three or four pounds. It got me wondering. Last night I decided to do a little experiment. In a span of five minutes I stepped on the scale three separate times. The first time showed that I had not only gained all ten pounds of my lost weight back, but I had added an additional five pounds to the mix. The second time it was ten pounds lighter suggesting that I had lost five pounds. The third time it was another ten pounds less than that suggesting that my total weight loss was fifteen pounds.

I think we have a problem. I understand fluctuations, but seriously?

This is the most frustrating aspect of my life right now. I am eating so little and I am exercising a lot and I am losing nothing according to the numbers.

I eat 1 cup of honey nut o's for breakfast each morning with 4oz of 2% milk - 160 calories
I eat a grilled chicken salad, a turkey sandwich on whole wheat with half a serving of turkey and a smidge of mustard, or half a chicken breast with some steamed veggies for lunch. I make a point to keep this calorie count around 200.
On my long school nights I try to eat a snack to get me through class. I stick to an apple or a turkey sandwich. It never ever exceeds 200 calories.
Supper is some form of chicken breast baked or grilled with two veggies. I do not use any oils or fats unless I put a little dressing on my salad which is rare or if I splurge and bake up a half of a potato. I will coat these potato spears in half a tablespoon of extra virgin olive oil, but I only do that once a week. For supper I try to aim for 600 calories, but I rarely make it that far.

That's it. That is all I eat every single day. I walk at least a mile every day and I do 100 crunches before bed every single night. Still, the scale is not budging. What more can I do?
The potatoes and my daily cereal are the only "white foods or sugars" that I eat. Oh well, I'm just going to try my best. No one can say I'm not trying right now. This whole way of life can be very boring.

I just keep telling myself that eventually this will all start to tilt in my favor. I sure hope so.

The week hasn't been all bad. I crossed a major milestone in one of my writing projects this week. I crossed over the 50k word mark. I also lined up several crochet projects and Hubby is finally working! He's been out of work since May. That should be a huge weight off my shoulders soon!

I hope you have all had a great week. Sorry I've been a bit boring here lately. I have some things in the works, so stay posted. I need some creative ways to add to my exercise routine. Something that doesn't seem like it would burn calories (preferably free). I also need some really great low cal chicken recipes. I'm running out of ideas!

Control

I have a serious control issue. At one point I had some very bad obsessive compulsive tendencies. With therapy I managed to work through most of them and I learned how to rationalize myself into less noticeable rituals and thoughts. In high school, certain aspects of my home life and the insane schedule that I kept drove me to find something that I could feel in control of. I turned like many young girls to food. The first pound that I lost was one of the most euphoric experiences in my life. I had the answer to my problem. I may not be able to control my home or my teachers, but I could control my food.

I learned to be sneaky and this brought on new levels of control. Therapy helped that too and thankfully I crept up to a healthy weight by the time I graduated. Two years later, my fiance screamed at me as I packed my stuff that he was glad I was leaving. He said he was sick of living with someone that wouldn't eat and lived in the gym. A week later, back at my parents' house, I realized that he was right. I had tried to control our broken relationship with food once again.

By the time I met Hubby, I had convinced myself to just eat and forget about calories. I was working an insanely stressful job with a ton of hours and I still can't figure out how I never noticed that the scale was inching its way up.

By that point, I gave up. It was either all or nothing with me. I didn't want to go back to the hours of obsessing and anxiety attacks over a french fry. I refused to think about it. I never became an overeater really, I just quit undereating and my metabolism and body had already taken a serious beating. By the time I realized my blunder, it was too late. Now, 8 years later, here I am struggling to find a balance.

This week has been really hard. It really is all or nothing with me. My old demons are quickly sliding back into place and the anxiety is building. I nearly cried last night over a spoonful of mashed potatoes. I didn't dare let those pesky taters enter my mouth, but Hubby kept pushing. It was more than I could handle. I'm certain that there have been many days lately that I haven't eaten enough. I'm scared to death to. Cancer, hysterectomy, no children, these are terrifying words that ring in my ears constantly now. They drive the force and push me to pull out measuring cups, and all of my crazy food strategies from the past.

I realize that control was one of the main issues I had with trying to have a baby too. I didn't deal with it well. That is one reason why it took us so long to aggressively seek out medical help. I couldn't relinquish control. I thought that if I just temped more or set my clock better maybe it would work. Obviously it never did.

Sometimes God gives us one problem to help us solve another. I feel like maybe this is His way of helping me learn how to move beyond some of my control issues. Why does this stuff have to be so hard though?

This

Weight a Minute.

I've been a little quiet lately. I need time to process and reflect on what I am doing. I feel like my life is completely consumed with the goings on of my body again. This is why we quit ttc for a while. I needed time to focus on me and just enjoy being a human being. This is no fun.

I finished the last dose of provera for the month this morning. Already the cramping is intense and icky. I actually had a little breakthrough bleeding two nights ago. It was very brief and barely noticeable, but I've never ever had that happen on provera before. I'm not sure what it meant, but since it wasn't there the next morning and I only had two pills left, I just went on with life.

I've been very diligent with my diet and exercise. I'm nearing obsession at this point. I eat 1200-1400 calories a day. I walk with hubby a mile or two every day. I try to throw in sit ups, extra steps, and extra activities as my energy allows. My energy is still crap though so this isn't easy to do. As of right now, I've only officially lost two whole pounds. This is more than frustrating. I have until December to make a significant change in my weight, I eat mostly lettuce and chicken, and I still can't manage to shed the pounds. How is all of this going to work?

Most days I reach a breaking point where I just want to throw in the towel or hold up my hand and tell everyone and everything to just stop for a minute and let me catch my breath. I feel like nothing I do ever works and I am swimming upstream for a minute. Still, I can't let go of those images I have in the back of my brain where Hubby and I are staring down at this red, wrinkled up little person that we have brought into the world.

Why does this have to be so hard?

Terrified

I went back for my follow up today.

It's bad.

The pathology report shows that I have complex hyperplasia atypia.

I don't really know what to do with this info. This is rare for someone in their 20s according to my doc and all of the research I can find. Most of the time this happens in someone that is beginning menopause. With that being said, almost every single article I have read suggests that a hysterectomy is the best course of action. That's not what my doc is doing.

He has put me on a scary amount of provera. I usually take two a day for a week or maybe if things are bad ten days. He is putting me on a monthly dose of two a day for fourteen days and has given me very strict instructions to maintain this dosage very carefully. I cannot under any circumstances miss a dose.

I was always thankful that my doctor was so kind and explained early on to me that my hormone levels were a large reason why I struggled with my weight. I have cut sugar, all "white" foods, sodas, fats, calories, and I walk. None of it really did much. I could lose twenty pounds and then I stalled. He's always been supportive and encouraging about this.

Today his story changed. He told me that we are at a scary and very crucial point in my life. We have to do whatever is necessary and possible to help me get down to a normal weight. He was kind, supportive, and vague. He left me on my own to figure out a way to do this. I have no clue. I've tried everything I know how to do.

I have a biopsy in three months to determine if cancer is present. The odds aren't in my favor. He said things were about as bad as they could get.

I'm confused, lost, scared, and very tired. I've lost more blood than any human should, yet tonight I will start pills that are supposed to make me bleed even more.

I just want to crawl under a dark bed and hide.

Sad

In March, after our last failed cycle, I announced that our baby making dreams were on hold indefinitely. I hunkered down, enrolled in school, took on another job, and made busy. I wrapped my heart up with life and all of the crazy things that were going on. At the time, it was just what had to be done. Looking back, it was a way to cope.

It isn't too far of a stretch for anyone to realize (even I realized this when I wasn't busy distracting myself or lying to myself) that all of that crazy was my way of convincing myself that I didn't need a baby to be happy. I worked very hard to tell myself and everyone around me that I didn't want to try for a baby right now. I needed time to focus on myself and enjoy life for a while. Seven years is a long time to live in the trenches. I deserved to be a normal adult for a while.

Here is where it gets all inky though. See, regardless of whether I emotionally want to try for a baby or not, my body is still in a world of mess because of all of this. The only reason why I even agreed to try aggressively was because I had to formulate a treatment anyway. When you take the baby factor away, I still have a serious problem. Taking so long to admit that was very costly for my health.

I had a horrible weekend. I was told to expect mild cramps like I was having a period. My period cramps can be pretty severe sometimes, so I was prepared to be curled up in a fetal position for a couple of days. What happened was beyond my worst expectations though. Saturday, I thought it would be good to get out and walk a bit. We went to the grocery store and I leaned a lot on the buggy. We walked slow. It should have been okay. I came home, put some wings in the oven, turned on the football game, and I started to squirm. The pain just kept growing in tiny increments. By half time I was curled up screaming on the couch with hubby on the phone with the on call doc at the hospital. Two pain pills and 600 mg of ibuprofen later (all at once) and it subsided enough that I could talk and breathe again. I did not go to church on Sunday, Monday was a nightmare at work, and tonight, the pain is starting to grow again, but it is finally provera scale cramping. I can handle that.

The doc explained to me Monday that they had to remove a very large quantity of tissue and that my pain was very understandable. He told me to take it easy, call if I needed to take more time from work, ask for more meds if needed, and bear with it for a few more days.

Tonight, I was sitting here curled up in a blanket (I suppose all of the blood loss is the reason why I have gone from queen of the a/c to princess of the electric blanket! Dude I even wear socks now!) and Hubby kissed me. I melted into tears. I want to want to be with him. Over two months now! It doesn't bother me that we haven't been "close" as much as it bothers me that I don't want to. I can't shake those sneaky thoughts that maybe, just maybe we could try next month to see if we could have a baby. Just see what happens you know?

I sat there thinking about that and about college and school. I thought about how frustrated I am that my mom is so unhappy right now. I thought about how Friday my grandmother had a stroke and I am now forced to step into a role of care giver. I see all this clutter surrounding me, overwhelming me, but all I can do is whisper, "Maybe this time we can have a baby."

Scrapbook

I think I am going to make a scrapbook of all the procedures, medicines, and fun little labels I have acquired over the years. I'll include my hospital bracelets, injection boxes, a clomid label, the paper backing from my most relied on pads. It could be quite entertaining! If only they made a scrapbook that would hold all that crap lol!

I had the "procedure" done this morning. All's well I suppose. The real medicines that the hospital gave me haven't worn completely off yet, so I feel ok. I'm real sleepy and weak, but I've had enough surgeries to know that's normal and I should enjoy it while I can!

I've always worried a little about the hospital we would be using if we chose my doctor. That's one thing that beginners should think about when they are looking for someone. Always be aware of what hospital you will be going to as well, in case you do end up pregnant or if you need to have something done.

This hospital staff was wonderful though! The million phone calls this week were worth it. The anesthesiologist was already prepared to deal with the severe nausea I get from all the drugs they give. He had the nurse give me this little patch and some meds in my iv that have been amazing! I have had a lot of surgeries and I have always been violently sick afterwards. This time (of course I haven't eaten yet) there hasn't been the slightest amount of nausea, which is amazing!

The little lady was torn all to pieces because she couldn't get my iv in. I just laughed at her. I once had a hospital staff take over an hour and a half to get an iv in me, so two tries with just her and the doctor working on it was not bad at all. She even numbed the whole thing first which I've never had done! Gotta love the wonderful advances in medicine!

The doc did the procedure and I was out of there in less than an hour. He told hubby that I had a lot of excess tissue in there. He had told me I could go back to work tomorrow, but told hubby today that he didn't want me to since there had been so much. Thankfully there were no polyps or septums to worry about though, and he said that this could actually help us have a baby (wow!). I just wanted the bleeding to stop, but to add a lining of hope into the mix is something you will never hear me complain about!

Anyhow, just wanted to let everyone know things were good. If you have any questions about it please ask them in the comments and I will post a more detailed recount tomorrow with any questions answered. I did do something to my lip. I think I bit it. I tend to clench my teeth a lot unconsciously and I think my lower lip got in the way when I was inebriated in the recovery room. I now have this huge swollen spot that I know is going to be sore tomorrow. Oh well. They gave me good drugs to take, so I will be just fine.

I'm going to go try to eat now. We'll see how this goes. Hopefully, everything will stay down where it is supposed to. The nausea patch can stay on for three days so I should be okay....

It'll only take three minutes....

My lovely wonderful doctor is apparently the king of sugar coating. At my appointment last week, he discussed my "procedure" with ease as if we were merely two people sitting down for a cup of coffee and a chat. My favorite part of the chat was when he looked me calmly in the eyes and said "It will only take me two minutes or so and you'll be all done." After this, he walked me back to the office that no one knows exists so that some nice lady with a doggy sleeping lazily under her desk could break the news easily that this was a surgery of sorts with dopey drugs and hospital masks.

I left the office a bit uneasy, but not that worried. That was until the hospital started bombarding my work with calls to ask me questions like, "What is your religious preference?" and "What is the name of your pastor?" That bugged me, but I was still okay. Today, I got three calls. One was about my living will, my inpatient choices in case he decides to keep me longer, and a lengthy discussion about my tolerance for various anesthesia methods.

I have a pre-op appointment tomorrow afternoon, and I am rather grumpy about this whole thing. I realize that this is a fairly common procedure, but come on people! Don't freak me out so much about the fact that there is this remote chance that I could die. Don't skirt around the fact that you are indeed actively seeking out a cause for my relentless bleeding without the promise of an answer or a solution. Please do not discuss my future children or the likelihood that I will or will not ever be able to conceive after this. Do not dare consider mentioning the big scary "C" or its cousin "complications." Knock me out, do whatcha gotta do, and when I wake up, tell me that I was swept out to sea while on a luxurious vacation in the Caribbean and knocked my head on a giant sea turtle, only to be rescued by my husband who has miraculously transformed into a gorgeous underwear model! This should be the only explanation you give me for my fashionable hospital gown and foggy vision!

Three minutes! Good grief!

I thought I was done with this!

I went to the doctor finally. I had every intention of finding a new doctor, but the line for appointments (gotta love small towns!) were six and eight weeks long. There were two places that could see me next week, but I got a very bad vibe from one and I have a bad history with the other one. The idea of waiting totally overwhelmed me after calling the tenth doctor's office. I felt the hysterics teetering on the edge and I gave in. I called my doc with the resolve that I would force him to listen to me and my concerns.

I talked to the receptionist (They are super great!) and she asked me what my prob was. I told her I was bleeding again and she didn't even question it. She asked how long this time. I told her and she said "Oh, well, I'm going to squeeze you in for one o'clock." It was eleven. Eek. I agreed and started to get dressed.

This appointment was nothing like I expected. The office was nearly empty and he came in, sat down, and faced me. There was no hurry in his voice or manner. I explained to him how much I had been bleeding and how bad it was. I told him I didn't want to worry about having kids right now. I also told him how I feel like the metformin is completely useless lately.

He listened intently to every single word. He questioned provera, but quickly recanted after looking over my file. I told him that it worked great. It did the job, until the next month. He nodded in agreement. He thought for a while, and then told me he wants to do a hysteroscopy and a d & c. He's worried that there is something in my uterus that may be causing this. He explained everything, then they invited me into the plush office for the staff and one of the ladies helped me set everything up.

I'm okay with this plan I think. It makes sense. It is the only way that I am going to manage to stop bleeding without bleeding to death at this point. I'm not even that worried about the procedure thanks to the information I am privy to within our IF circle.

The thing that upsets me is that I thought I would be done with this crap. I know that part of me rationalizes with everyone that having a baby right now isn't a good idea for Hubby and me. I wouldn't be able to enjoy motherhood like I want if I did it. Financially, the treatments are not an option either. Still, there is a large secret part of me that stopped because I was sick of feeling like my body was a failure. I couldn't bear it anymore. I hated fighting with my body and never succeeding. If I gave up and pretended it was all my idea, there was no failure. There would be no more doctors or injections. I didn't have to worry about ovulation, cycles, temperatures, hopes, tests. It was all over with.

Or so I thought. Here I am, right back in the middle of this crap again, and I don't even want to have a baby right now. I just want to be a normal woman with a normal life and a healthy body. PCOS affects so much more than your cycles. Your skin, hair, energy, diet, sleep, and digestion are in constant upheaval, and your life revolves around maintaining an extremely fragile balance to feel human, much less normal.

Sometimes, I feel like I may as well keep trying if I'm going to have to deal with all this crap anyway. I guess time will tell. I go in next Thursday. If he finds something, he will remove it right then, so I'm not sure what to expect. At this point though, I'm just along for the ride. I no longer feel like I have any control over my body at all. I'm not sure why I even bothered to try.

AF Go Home

My absence is inexcusable, but things have been nuts lately. Life is chaotic right now, something I hate, and af is still here. She is very heavy and I am afraid my body is at its limit with my uterus. My gyn consistently tells me that heavy bleeding and clotting is normal for pcos, but I'm at the end of my rope. I don't think he takes me seriously when I try to explain to him how bad things are. I can understand that some women come in and can be a bit dramatic or fearful, but my mother almost died from the same thing. I have reason to be concerned.

If I call him, provera will be put on the table. I can't take that stuff anymore. I have nightmares about that crap, and there are too many emotions involved there. I feel like provera is a symbol of failure for me. When that was called in, it always signified the end of a cycle and my failure to conceive. I can't go back to that place right now. I am going in the next few days to be put on the pill, but I don't want to go back to that gyn. Even he gives me bad vibes. I think that is why I put it off so long.

Anyway, I just want to know, is this type of bleeding perfectly safe and normal? Do I have cause for concern? Perhaps I am just being melodramatic about it all and I don't realize that everyone deals with this, but I don't think so.

I feel so weak and tired all the time. That is the main reason I haven't been writing. Don't feel bad, I haven't been reading blogs much either. I quit one of my jobs, I handed all of the household duties to Hubby for a while. I go to bed early, sleep late, nap all weekend long. It's horrid. Even now I am struggling to stay awake.

PCOS.... I hate you.

What a pill....

AF showed up a couple of weeks ago. In her natural fashion she showed up weeks late (thankfully only two) and now she has decided to hang out and have an extended vacation. I want her to go away. I have cut out all sugar, white flour, taters, corn products, sodas, and anything else that doesn't resemble cardboard in order to convince her to behave. Still, she remains.

Normally, this is no biggie. I just put in a call to my doc, take the necessary dose of provera and move on. This time, I just can't. I don't know how to explain it without sounding ridiculous, I mean medicine is only medicine, but I can't take provera. For one thing, it does horrible hideous things to my body. AF resembles a red version of that huge marshmallow dude in Ghost Busters, and the pain is a whole other issue. Even that I could manage though.

I just can't face the feeling of being back in the swing of things. I can't deal with making my body do something it very obviously can't do. I don't want to sit here drowning in pools of sweat, pleading with the heavens to make it snow in August, wondering the whole time if I might accidentally ovulate after it is all over. It makes my stomach lurch at just the thought.

Hubby has thrown more than a few jests my way, claiming that the first day of class I will take a pregnancy test, only to find it positive. Now I know that this is not going to happen. I fear that it will happen, but the odds are very heavily stacked against it. It feel so strange to be so against something that I have pleaded with God for every day for years, but I don't want to raise my baby in the life that I am living right now. I currently have three jobs and a full time college schedule. I would have no time to enjoy what I want to cherish so much.

All of that aside, my body is not working. The met is doing nothing for me. The only way that I was able to even mildly slow my flowing river was to cut out anything my husband would eat. Now I cook two meals, shop for two, and watch him drown his fries in ketchup, while I scarf down yet another salad or bunless chicken sandwich.***

I started thinking about all this the other day and wondered how wonderful it would be to only have to worry about a small period every few months. I wondered if the new versions of birth control pills could be better than the horrid stuff I took ten years ago. That stuff made me nuts. I can't explain it. I was just insane. It is the one reason I am not on it right now. I didn't want to think about adding a new level of insanity to my already heightened level of crazy, amidst a wacko schedule this year. Still, I find myself leaning towards that more and more.

How decadent it would feel to plan for a period only four or five times a year without having to carry a bucket around and a covered wagon full of pads. I would feel like a normal woman for once and Hubby could no longer taunt me with threats of miraculous conception.

What do ya think? Anyone have any experience to add to the mix?

I'm sorry I've been gone so much lately. This three job thing has gotten a little out of hand lately. I think I have solved that problem. Hopefully, things will be a little more manageable from now on.

***Don't get me wrong. I know there are plenty of things to cook and eat that are truly wonderful and fit within the healthy PCOS guidelines, however with only five hours a day to eat sleep and bathe, it hasn't been possible to cook two meals and take the time (or money) to shop for "safe" foods.

Got the Dough!

I am so excited. I have been a little quiet lately because stress is really dragging me down. I have three jobs and I am about to take on being a full time student. Then there are all of those wifely duties too. It's a little overwhelming.

Money is one major thing that is weighing me down right now. I know most of us are stressed a bit about money, but right now I am the sole income for Hubby and me, and I worry that I won't be able to keep up once all of this school stuff falls into place. I wasn't even sure that I would be able to go back to school until today.

I started the whole paper process back in February, just as soon as we got our taxes back. I've been calling and faxing several times a week ever since. School starts in just a couple of weeks and I was getting really worried that I wouldn't get the money I needed to be able to go. I haven't been able to sleep, and simple purchases freak me out because money is on my brain.

Today, after months of waiting, I finally got a confirmation that I did indeed receive enough money to pay for my tuition and my books! Yay! I instantly felt like I lost about twenty pounds off my shoulders, and I immediately called to set up a time to register for my classes.

Every single person I have talked to for several weeks has griped that I didn't have my student id yet or an idea about what classes I would take. This is where a little of my IF struggle came into the mix. I snapped at one lady a couple of days ago, after she berated me for the millionth time about my student id. I told her there was no way that I was going to sign up and get all hopeful that I could actually attend this semester, until she showed me my tuition money.
For once, that method actually worked out to my benefit!

Does anyone else do that? Do you put other aspects of your life on hold, unable to hope that it will turn out positively, because of your experiences with IF?

Surprise

The great secret has been revealed over at Mel's L&F for Monday. I can't tell you much more, I just hope you will head on over and find it. I'm sorry for being so obscure, but you will understand once you get there. If you aren't sure what you are looking for, here is a clue: anon.

Sugar

My mom went to the doctor several days ago and her sugar level was high. I think her fasting level was somewhere around 320. The doc didn't put her on any medication or anything just yet. He wanted her to cut out a few things first and see if it didn't set her straight before he slapped her with a diagnosis.

I went with her to the doctor that morning. She was nervous about her blood work. She hates doctors, so she came up with the excuse that we were going to go and work on her classroom so that I would go with her. I put on a big smiley face and bought her a diet soda. I told her that going without sugar wasn't that hard at all once you got used to it. There are whole wheat pastas and breads that help, and most of that other stuff is bad for you anyway.

However, when I got home that night I climbed into bed and just laid there with my eyes closed thinking about it. I've thought about it nearly every day since. I heard her last night talking to the preacher at church about how she misses potatoes and how hard all of it is. I wanted to scream at her and I wasn't sure why. I thought about it last night and came to two conclusions...

One, I need her to be ok. I need for her sugar level to get better almost as much as she does. It terrifies me to see myself in her and know that this may be the road I am forced to go down. My sugar has always been very low, but with PCOS that could change at any moment. My mother had PCOS too, although she never got an official diagnosis, because the only times she went to the lady doctor was for pregnancy check ups and when she was almost dead from blood loss. I hope I have taken steps early to help avoid the whole diabetes thing later on in life, but it is still really scary.

Two, she hates her new diet and is quick to tell you that. This is where I know I am being hard on her, but I can't help how I feel about it. I get a bit annoyed with her thinking it is the end of the world. I've been cutting sugar for three years now. In the beginning I guess I did say stuff once in a while about it. I talked a lot about the new foods that I had found to eat as replacements for my old favorites. She makes it seem like it is horrible to cut back on her sugar and buy diet sodas. It is just a way of life for me, and unfortunately, in a house with a sugar addicted husband, it is a very difficult battle to fight. I tend to fail miserably, but I know I am pretty hard on myself with it, despite two doctors telling me to lighten up a bit on my sugar free ways.

My grandmother's best friend lived right beside her for many years. Her husband had diabetes among other things, and I watched him struggle with it my entire childhood. His health deteriorated dramatically when I was a teenager, and it scared me. As soon as I found out what PCOS was, I remember instantly picturing that man, sitting in his chair with those special socks on, scowling while he ate his breakfast. I didn't want to be like that, and I strove for sugar free perfection in the beginning because of him.

Right now it is summer and like everyone else, we are having a hard time financially, so a lot of the healthier options have taken a back seat to cheaper meals that fill us up more quickly. Hubby quit smoking a couple of months ago and has replaced his habit with a very sweet tooth, which I tend to give in to. I know once my routine is back in order when school starts, I will get back on track, but it doesn't ease my fears at all.

Do you find yourself struggling to eat healthier and what are some ways that you combat money woes to buy the more expensive sugar free options?

I should probably mention my new job...

Yes, I already have a job, two actually, but one of those jobs requires a piddly three hours a week, and I am still in the midst of a vacation from the other one. When school starts back, I am going to go back as a student this year also, but I am up for the challenge! Why?

This job lets me write!

I can finally check writer off my list of things to do. Granted, I'm not pumping out best sellers or anything like that, but I am offered a fee for my writing abilities, and I love it! In typical writing style, I will never make a fortune at this job, but I am also trying to pace my hours a bit to reflect what I will be able to do when school starts. Right now I put in about four hours a night, which isn't bad. The best part is that I can sit at home in my cushy comfy chair and write in my pjs, taking breaks whenever I need to.

I was afraid that the relaxed pace would cause me to work less, but on the contrary, I find it very easy to write throughout the day, when I get a little free time. I have a goal set each day for the amount of work I will get done, and I work towards it all day, finally pounding out the last few sentences before going to bed.

Oh yeah, and ummm.... in the very near future, expect a great surprise! Well, I hope it is a great surprise anyhow...

Ummm, I should probably save you a bit of suspense and let you know that it will not be wrapped in Pampers and require milk. Nu-uh, no-way. I can't imagine throwing a baby into the mix right now with three jobs, and a collegiate future ahead of me! I am nuts, but I have to draw the line somewhere.

Nightmare

I dreamed last night that my sister was pregnant. It was horrible. She told me to take a ride around town with her, so I agreed, and before we pulled out of the parking lot she had angrily informed me that "Ugh, she was pregnant."

The dream was one of those vivd surreal kind of dreams that you get wrapped up in and wake needing several moments to separate reality from dream. I still had that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, and for a while thought that I was dreaming about waking from a nightmare to escape the icky reality that my sister was going to have a baby.

I've always had this deep dark fear that she would have a baby first. I'm not sure why. It feels like it's my birthright to get to have the first baby, and I loathe the thought that she could take that from me. My fears used to be distant and far into the future, until this happened. Go ahead, read it. I'll wait.

Well, if you skipped the link, I'll give you the short version. Several months ago, my sister had a very uneducated scare and turned to me for advice and help. I tried to be the good big sister, but I was angry and for whatever reason, I felt threatened. I think she learned her lesson, but I still hear a tiny voice in the back of my head sometimes that unkindly points out that I may not be the first.

In this dream, my sister was appalled at the inconvenience of a pregnancy, and wanted to take it to the "baby store" (this was a really horrid dream), but my dad wouldn't let her. I dreamed that Hubby and I went out to eat the next day and I burst into tears causing us to leave. We knew the father of the baby and he was unconcerned with the situation, which made it worse. The worst part of the whole dream though was this desperate desire to scream out to all of them that we were the ones that deserved that baby, and that it should belong to us.

I woke up disoriented and then grumpy. I'm not allowed to have normal nightmares of swamp monsters or big scary bugs. Nope. Not only do I face the pain and torment of infertility, but I have to dream about it too! Even when we have to put ttc on the back burner for a while, it still eats away at my heart every single day.

I've been up to something...

And it's a secret!

For now anyway.

Actually, I have been up to a lot of somethings lately, but the most important one for you all is in the works. I need some help though. I need a masthead. I made the header I currently have up, but this one needs to be different. I should be able to track down someone and pay them to make one for me, but Hubby and I are in a bit of a financial pickle right now and there's no way I could do that. If anyone has any ideas, please, please let me know.

Ok, service announcement over, here's the other somethings....

I've become quite the avid gardener lately. My dad made me a box to plant a tomato plant or two in, but I ended up with 9 pepper plants and two tomato plants. I was worried about the amount of sunlight we got up on the balcony and the size of my box, but so far things are growing beautifully. I have a pepper plant called a rainbow pepper. It will grow bell peppers of all colors at the same time! I can't wait for them to start coming in! Also, the tiny green sprouts you see are flowers. I had some seeds left over from a church project and I decided to sprinkle them in the bare spots to see what happened.

The majority of my days have been spent pouring over a blank screen for hours on end. I finally worked past my block and with the new found freedom in my mobile computer friend, my creative juices are flowing again (thank goodness!). I love having the time during the summer to write for hours on end!

When I am not outside admiring my green beauties or whittling my fingers down to nubs on the keyboard, I am on the phone arguing with various personnel about financial aid and course requirements. The school I am attending is smaller than the one I went to in SC and their nonchalance over my academic future is more than a little infuriating. I called this afternoon for the third time about a page they say I am missing and the lady on the other end of the line told me that it was probably just nothing that it takes a few days for them to get it all together. Well that would be perfectly fine if someone hadn't put a note into my file online telling me that a paper was missing. Grr. I guess I will try again tomorrow.

So anyhoo, How's your summer? I want to hear all the juicy stories! Spill it!

A Late Night Visit

I usually let the pups go out one last time before Hubby and I retire for bed. We are night owls, especially during the summer, and it is usually well past midnight when we decide to pack it in. The pups are very well behaved and well trained so we don't have any qualms about letting them go out unleashed for this late night romp.

Last night, I drew the short straw and stood guard outside on the balcony while they took care of business. I caught something out of the corner of my eye and thought it was one of the dogs coming around the corner of the building. I turned to see a bushy tail slink past the lamplight. It wasn't one of the pups.

The critter walked up to the sidewalk just underneath our balcony and sprawled out in front of me. It was very relaxed and just sat there staring up at me. I thought at first it was a cat, but as my eyes adjusted to the dim light I realized it was a small gray fox.

I stood there, unable to move. We just stared at each other, soaking in the presence of one another. I realized that this would be a moment I would never forget and didn't dare break the magic despite my overwhelming desire to reach for the camera inside.

He stood several minutes later and walked over to a tree in the middle of our yard. He turned and stared for a minute or two more before sauntering off back into the wooded underbrush at the edge of the property.

I immediately thought about the pups and called for them to come back in. I worried that they would spook the fox and someone would cause a ruckus, but they came bounding up the stairs oblivious to our visitor.

Tonight, I will be more cautious about letting the pups out to wander free, but i will also have my eyes peeled for a chance to see my new friend again. I wish I had been able to snap a picture of him for you to see, but I'm sure that would have spooked him and I would never see him again. Now that I know he is around, I will make a point to be more aware when I am outside. Maybe, just maybe, I can snap a shot of him next time.

This is a picture of what he looked like. When he sprawled out lazily on the sidewalk, he just happened to lay in the pool of light thrown down by our security lights. His markings were beautiful and I could just make out the slight hints of red and white highlighting his fur.

Image found here: www.usbr.gov/mp/ccao/berryessa/photo_gallery/index.html

So That's What We've Been Doing Wrong!

Sunday morning I crawled out of bed and braced myself for the tireless antics of the three year olds I keep at church. I usually watch them during the main service and then cross the hall to help the lady in the baby nursery during Sunday School.

When Sunday School was over, one of my very precocious three year olds popped in with his mom to pick up his 12 week old baby brother. I jokingly told him that I had decided to take "little brother" home with me. He responded with a very protective "No." I laughed and teased him a bit more. He told me in no uncertain terms that "little brother" was his and lived at his house.

He turned towards his mom, but stopped halfway between the two of us, turned back around to face me, and said, "You should get you a little brother."

Intrigued and a glutton for punishment, I couldn't resist, "Oh really?"

"Uh-huh. You just go to de zoo, and you get one."

I couldn't say a word without bursting into a million giggles. I managed to muster a weak, "The zoo huh?"

By this time everyone in the room had stopped and was watching him. He was very serious and sure of his answer though. He pointed to the Noah's ark wallpaper we have up in the nursery and said, "See dem diraffes and de elephants, you got to go der where dey are and dat's where babies come from. Dat is where we got little brother."

I thanked him very politely for his wealth of information and assured him that I would try my very best to arrange a trip to the zoo in the near future.

Ladies, we finally have the answer! We've been doing it right, just in the wrong places apparently. Grab your husbands and head to the nearest zoo! I'll meet ya there!

A visit from heaven

This morning I had a visit. I lay curled up beside Hubby in my favorite blanket in one of those deep restoring sleeps that only happen once in a blue moon. One minute I was dreaming about school starting back and the next I had been taken to a different time and place. The doctor was looking down at a gorgeous wriggling little fellow. He had light red hair and my blue eyes. His smile could only belong to his dad. She looked up and told me he was just perfect before handing him back to me. I smiled, gave him a snuggle and walked out of the room.

Hubby was waiting for us and gave him a kiss on the head. At some point my father-in-law came to visit the baby. Finally, I found myself sitting on a bench waiting for some sort of appointment and I had him all to myself. I talked to him and played with him. His smile lit up the whole room and his laugh ate at my heart. A girl sat beside me and started talking about him with me. She asked how we had gotten his name. I told her that had been his name for a long time. I explained that we had considered several other names, but always came back to this one. I told her that when he was born, there was this moment that he had stared up at me, our eyes locked on each other, and I knew that the name had always been his.

It was so vivid and clear. It was different than the dream that had been interrupted. I've only had a few dreams like that in my life, but they always leave me with the same feeling. I'm sure many disagree, but I think that dreams can be more than just dreams sometimes.

Even in the dream I knew it was a dream. I knew it wouldn't last. I clung to him and whispered secrets to him as I soaked up every inch of his perfect little face. Whether it was real or not, I like holding on the idea that I shared a visit with my son last night. It makes waiting for him to get here not so hard.

I love you little guy. I can't wait to see that smile for real!

My New Friend

As promised, I have something very fun to show you all today! If you hadn't heard already, we have been suffering from ailing computers for a while now. Hubby's video card went first, then my comp got a devastating virus. Not even a week after we had them both back up and running, Hubby's power supply shorted out and rendered his comp useless. We moved my comp to the living room to share. My school money should be here in a week or two and we planned on using the extra to get me something else.



Yesterday, Hubby promised me a trip to Goo.dwill. I love that store! I probably enjoy the treasure hunting I do in there a little too much! It is one of the small pleasures in life I allow myself sometimes though. Hubby stayed true to his word and we wandered around the store several times before he started giving me the look. I shrugged defeat and said we would leave after looking at the glass case they had up front with the "expensive" stuff in it.


I wasn't really paying attention to anything in the cases until Hubby grabbed my arm and pulled me back. He was jabbering and pointing. I just let him jabber and point. I figured he had found a video game or something. Then I looked closer. It was a mini notebook just like the one I have been anxiously spying for weeks as I waited for my school money.


The lady pulled it out for us and it was quickly evident that it had never been used. She said that it had come from Ta.rg.et and had been a return without a receipt most likely. I smiled wistfully at the shiny surface of the computer and turned to check out. I told Hubby there was no way we could afford even such a deal on it right now. He kept prodding.

I finally agreed to call my mom and see if she would loan me the money until my school money came in. I braced myself for her irritated sighs and winced waiting for her response. She was so nonchalant and agreeable about it that I almost asked her what she had been drinking. A half hour later, she walked in to the store, gave it a look over, and told the lady to bag it up!


It is very tiny, but more than serves my needs! It is actually very powerful for its size. I have missed the freedom my old laptop offered me, but I didn't miss the cumbersome heavy bag I had to lug from class to class. When my mom got one of these a few months ago I knew it would be perfect for school and give me more freedom to write wherever and whenever I want!



Most of the ones we have looked at have a squished keyboard and teeny screen. This one has one of the larger screens (10 inch I think) and they squeezed in a full laptop keyboard! It only weighs a couple of pounds, but it can do everything a full sized laptop can do. Bring on the classes!

This link shows you the specs and the price we would have paid for it at the store. It also seems to have very good reviews. I can't believe our luck! I whispered a very heartfelt prayer of thanks for this treasure!

Now go over and see everyone else's treasures that they are showing and telling this week!

I Finally Found You!

I am brimming over with the giddy tremblings of a 12 year old school girl that just found herself the sole witness to all the neighborhood boys partaking in a refreshing skinny dip! In a strange turn of events that leave me with only the distinct feeling of being blessed, my world has been righted in an ever so slight way.

I will lend a little more detail to the story tomorrow complete with pictures, but for now I cannot contain my excitement and will leak out enough joy to suppress the rest of the story for tomorrow.

My friends, I have found you all again! What? You didn't know you were lost? Oh but you were! In case you don't remember, a few weeks ago my computer took a nice long vacation. Not long after that, Hubby's computer got the bright idea to do the same. Somehow in our frantic frenzy to save hundreds of precious memories, stories, links, and I am quite certain the very soul of my creativity and sanity, we lost all of my favorites.

I had them saved ready to import when all was well with my comp again only, when the time came, they were no where to be found. Tonight during a very thorough search of every available storage device in our tiny apartment (don't underestimate its size, there are mass volumes of storage lurking in every corner!) I found them! Well, most of them. I am pretty sure that there are a few that are missing, but they are mostly random sites having nothing to do with my blogging or my friends of the web. I can now "click" with ease once again! I can visit each of you and anytime I want without desperately searching the dark creepy corners of my brain for your url!

Yay! It feels like I finally have my other arm back again! Life can now proceed!

Still searching

The first month after our last cycle with the doc, I was relieved. I was actually elated to finally have a guilt free excuse to stop for a while. I needed to work on me. I don't like who I am becoming. I want better for us and for our future kids. Hubby seemed pretty relieved too. Gone were the strained relations and thermometer readings. We didn't have to have hope or disappointment while we paced anxiously awaiting af. It was a delicious freedom.

The end of school kept my mind and heart busy for a little while. I didn't have time to miss our kids. I was happy to crash on the couch with Hubby for a little uninterrupted television and some snuggling. We were great. We cautiously avoided the tender spots in our hearts and we each dealt with the pain our own way. I used resolve. I was absolutely adamant that I in no way wanted a child while I finished school. I told everyone that asked. I was very firm and knew it would be best for my children. Doing what was best for them shouldn't hurt that bad right? We know what we are doing is right. The path we chose is the only one we could choose if we had their best interests at heart. Right?

This week my grandfather has been in the hospital. My aunt didn't want her daughter to be stuck there with the scary reality that he is sick. She asked Hubby and I to keep her. She's eleven and she's a pretty cool kid. She's a lot like I was as a kid. We didn't hesitate to let her hang with us for a few days.

The first thing that happened was the eerie hum of life that kids bring into a house. The dogs were quite honestly smiling at all of the fun they had with her there to give them hundreds of kisses and hugs. I cooked for her and we all played video games together. It seemed so normal. When Hubby would hang out with his video game buddies, I had someone to chit chat with and take to the pool. The loneliness scattered from every corner of our house.

Tonight, I took her to the pool. We lingered longer than normal because my grandfather came home from the hospital and I wanted her to have as much fun as she could. Truthfully, I didn't want to miss a moment. While we were there, two families came down. Between them there were six children. Four of them were three and under. I watched as the dads took their place in the pool keeping the kids herded towards the shallow end as the moms sipped their drinks and chatted about family pictures and vacations.

I felt blessed to share their joy even if it was only as a mere onlooker. The oldest girl was a third grader that I had worked with the year before at school. She had moved away and I hadn't seen her in a while. She and my cousin played and gabbed like all kids do.

Hubby didn't sit there long. He had been at a table reading. I could practically read his thoughts. I saw the glances he stole from time to time, pretending to be uninterested. He started to squirm and sigh. Then he got up and said he was going to go back to the house for a while. I asked him to stay, but I could see something in his eyes. It was like looking at a reflection of my own eyes. I didn't put too much pressure on him.

The Kid went home shortly after that and Hubby headed over to a buddy's house across the complex for a little while. As the door shut and the quiet settled in, I realized that I would never be able to pretend that I was happy with the life we had. I know it is the best thing for us and I will not waver in my determination to make a better life for us, but I thought that would help make it less painful. I realized that it only makes the pain more real and acute.

More than anything, it answered a question that has haunted the back of my mind for years. I'm sure it haunts many of our minds as we struggle on this heartbreaking journey. What if we just quit and didn't have any kids? What if this is all we get? I have been terrified by that question for a long time. Tonight I knew that somehow someway I have to be a mother. I'm not sure where my child or children will come from. I have no idea when it will happen, but I know one thing for certain. I will find my kids someday.

Post 223

So what's important about post 223? I'm not really sure. It just sounded like a cool number.

Anyhoo, guess who showed up at my bathroom door? Yup the lovely Mrs. AF. Her timing was impeccable. It was the first day that I started taking meds for a bladder infection run rampant. She always knows when to knock huh?

I think I sort of started her myself though and it raised a few questions for all of you.

I've been taking 1000mg of metformin for three years now. I take one 500 for breakfast and then right before bed. My gyn always takes care of that part of life for me and I never faltered in taking it. It was my miracle pill. It cured some crazy ailments that I never would have connected to my fertility status. My MD knew about said medication and never said anything about it until I came in with the shingles.

He said he hated met and asked me how I felt about it. He politely probed into our baby making progress (or lack there of) and suggested that perhaps I could cut my dose in half for a little while (He actually wanted me to quit it altogether, but I would hear none of that). Since I wasn't actively trying, there wasn't much need to have a regular cycle and "Met just makes people feel yucky," he said. I'll agree with that, but I've always been happy to pay the price for all the wonderful things it fixed. He checked my sugar numbers and continued to push a bit saying that 1000mg was entirely uneccesary for me. My sugar is on the low side.

I promised I would give it a try and went home with dread in my gut. After a week, I just forgot about it. Then all the nasty symptoms started rearing their head again. My scalp broke out in psoraisis again and my face broke out. I couldn't handle eating any carbs, but I got really hungry. AF missed her scheduled visitation. The hair on my legs started growing in faster than I could shave it off and any libido flew quickly out the nearest window.

Last week when I got a bladder infection, I raised my hands up in surrender and said enough was enough. I know the infection had nothing to do with met, but I needed to get my body under control. I called for some antibiotics and took my met twice that day and then the next. The next morning AF showed up and I am starting to feel normal.

I wish that we could have multiskilled docs that could do it all. It would be nice if my two docs could communicate their feelings with one another instead of me having to go through the whole history lesson each time I stepped up onto the table.

Have any of you found yourself in a similar situation where two docs don't see eye to eye on a certain protocol or med? What did you do?

Stuck in the Cabin

So, it's been a bit. Sorry I haven't been posting as normally as I should. Hubby's comp is in the toilet and until we win the lottery, my computer has become his gaming station.

I looked forward to summer for most of the last month of school. I was excited to be free of the crazy politics and mind games going on at our school. It was a pretty picture to think of floating in the pool every afternoon and taking a much needed break.

Every year I do the same thing. I get excited about it. It finally gets here. I clear my books the first few days and make a big deal out of getting some much needed r and r. A week later, I'm ready to go back. I'm not an idle person. I don't like being without routine or structure.

The past few summers have been pretty simple. I was so focused on having a baby, that I hardly noticed the days fly by. I counted weeks and temps. I wasn't concerned about getting bored. This summer, only a couple of weeks in, and already I'm getting cabin fever. I'm cranky and frustrated. I'm out of books and sharing a comp with a gaming fanatic makes it worse.

In March, we hit a road block with our baby plans. We have to step back and regroup for a while. At first, I felt much like I do the last month of school. I was overjoyed to have a reason to throw the thermometer back in the drawer. I loved the carefree relations Hubby and I could once again share. Much like the arrival of summer though, I started to get antsy.

I spent so much time focused on operation baby. What the heck am I supposed to do now? It isn't that I don't have things. I could crochet. I could work with my plants, or write. I could walk, swim, whatever I want. Still, I find myself curled up on the couch with my frustration level mounting.

School will start in a few weeks and I will walk back into the double doors. This year I will not only be helping teach, I will be taught. I am certain that my idle hands will feel more at ease then. I have lots of things planned for the summer. I am working two days a week with my babies at church. Mom and I are making many trips to Amish country for fresh veggies to put up for winter. Dad made me a box for the balcony so I can grow my own fresh veggies too.

How do you pass the time when you take a break or find yourself stuck in the cabin?

The Thing Under My Bed

From time to time I struggle with sleeplessness. I've never really struggled with things that go bump in the dark, but I do have a hard time with my mind. I create endless streams of conversation and mull over every detail of the day before I can fall asleep. Once I fall asleep, many times, my dreams are filled with what I call "My thing under the bed." It's that one thing that keeps me frustrated and revved up long after my bedtime. It causes me to wake up at two in the morning and pace the floors searching for a solution.




I thought I would share with you all what I most often pull out from under the bed of my mind. I battle with it more than anything else. It isn't scary, and truth be told, it isn't a bad thing for me. Surprisingly, I am most productive when I avoid going to sleep or wake up out of a sound sleep with this image seared into my eyelids.

Now I am not a published writer. Most likely because I am too chicken to offer up my hard fought sweat and tears for someone to criticize. Still, I spend a massive amount of my spare time, especially in the summer, writing and fighting that internal turmoil that comes with the territory. I love every second of it. I even enjoy being frustrated sometimes. I draw immense satisfaction from taking a tiny moment or idea and stretching it and weaving it into new faces and lives.

Right now my current sleeplessness is all thanks to a girl and her history. Character development is usually fairly easy for me. This girl apparently is very allusive and secret which ironically fits well with the personality I have etched out for her.

What is your "Thing Under the Bed?" What keeps your brain ticking and humming excitedly even when you are far beyond exhaustion?

After spilling your bed guts head over to Mel's and see what everyone else is showing and telling.

Celebration

What are we celebrating?

We are celebrating the wondrous joy that comes with a sound and peaceful night's sleep sans the meds! Since my brief bout with roofing, I have been forced to rely on heavy pain meds to sleep at night. This week I have managed to successfully sleep three or four nights without so much as a tyl.enol. I hate taking any sort of medication (except of course my best friend metformin!), so to be able to function without anything is a huge relief!

I thought we would celebrate with a picture or two from that fateful day at the zoo...

A sweet little baby tiger

My favorite for the day. We hunted everywhere to find the newest critter before finally coming across this gorgeous anteater!

And for a little irony, a stork. I did have a brief chat with him, but he kept his back turned the whole time. Big surprise huh?



Argh! Blogger, you are getting on my nerves!

See what the rest of the class is showing

I should probably post eh?

You would think that with summer in the air (along with a few mosquitoes it seems) and children hanging up their backpacks for pool noodles, I would have a few moments to sit down and write a post or two. Well, that's what I thought anyway.

I did get to go and have a couple of fun days hanging at my grandma's. I love being down there with her and my family. There is something magical (and a bit eerie) about grandparent houses. Hubby and I slept in the room that my siblings and I shared when we were little. We played cards and watched a few movies that we had not seen since my grandfather was alive about 15 years ago. We ate at the same table and sat on the same patio.

It was great to be back there talking about our childhood, but it was very bittersweet. I have been there many times in my adult life, and rarely have these memories been so close to the surface. It was painfully obvious this past weekend that despite her adamant desire to stay in that house for the remainder of her life, my grandmother needs to move closer to us. Usually a visit from us means a scrub of the house from head to toe. Her house wasn't messy or anything, but you could tell that this time she had run out of steam with her cleaning. It breaks my heart to see her struggle with things like that.

Hubby, Sis, and I spent most of the weekend cleaning her kitchen from top to bottom. Sis and I noticed a bug problem the first night and when I mentioned it to Mom, she told me that grandma had already talked to her about it. Grandma didn't know what to do, which was odd. It gave us another glaring example of her mind failing her. She had just been going in at night and squishing as many as she could see. We took everything out of her cabinets and cleaned, then put down some stuff to hopefully get rid of the pesky critters before they get bad.

Dad worked on some things for her. He cringed when she said she needed her grass mowed. It had been two whole days since someone had mowed it for her. He and Bro put a drain pipe in her driveway. We grilled out and left her some food to eat on for a while. We all tried really hard to give her lots of good reasons to move closer to us. I can understand her desire to stay put, but I know how much harder it is going to be to over the next few years if we have to drive over an hour one way to take care of her.

The weekend wasn't all gloom and memories. We had a great time visiting and relaxing. It was really funny this weekend to see my grandma and her dog. She has this little chihuahua. The dog is a complete scaredy cat. She would starve to death if my grandmother didn't have to get up from time to time to pee. She never leaves her lap. She also doesn't handle visitors well and tends to shake when people visit. When all six of us stormed the house with our stuff, the poor dog almost had heart failure!

My grandmother got the bright idea that her puppy needed one of her "pills" to calm down. She is deathly afraid of thunderstorms and the vet it seemed had given my grandmother some doggy tranquilizers to help her calm down. That was all well and good, but about two hours later my grandmother decided that the puppy needed to go out. "It was their scheduled time." She went and woke the poor thing up and brought her in the living room.

I have never laughed as hard as I did at that little dog. She was st.on.ed off her little tail! She weaved and wobbled. She stared wide-eyed at Hubby for a while and finally went out to pee even though she leaned a little to the left and hopped on three legs.

I had a hard time going home Monday night. I didn't want to leave her in that house this time. It bothered me into sleeplessness that she was all alone (except her pup) and that she would have to take care of herself. I wish that we could convince her to move here in our complex so that I could check on her every day.

That night back at home, I dreamed of chasing gold fish in the field behind my grandmother's house. It was a bizarre dream with strange and fantastical elements. I woke up missing my childhood when those things wouldn't have seemed so strange at all. Being a grown up is just no fun sometimes!

Just for fun

My favorite S&T post...

A few months ago Kristin had a show and tell about some of her yarn stash. I totally related to that beautiful stash thanks to a growing stash of my own. I commented and a few weeks later I had a chance to have my own show and tell with a part of Kristin's stash sitting in my living room!

The shingles have prevented me from finishing several projects that have been started from pieces of her yarn. Hopefully, with my arm on the mend, I will soon be able to complete them all! I have a baby blanket in the works and a chemo cap for a friend of mine that is fighting breast cancer. I also have a lovely surprise for Kristin!

Sorry for the lack of pics this week. Blogger is being a complete jerk to me lately and my fonts and pics are getting all messed up.

Go check out the rest of the class!

Nightmare

I know I've been a bit sparse with the posting lately. I was truly hoping that things would fall into place and life could continue. I forgot to factor in Murphy's ever-present shadow in my world and of course nothing has worked out the way I hoped.

Two weeks ago Hubby's video card took a dump. It certainly isn't the first time that Hubby has caused a video card to pack its overworked bags and run for the nearest scrap pile. He loves to game and I love that we have a yearly budget set aside for gaming related casualties. Thankfully, this one happened to crap out thanks to a manufacturing glitch and they are replacing it with an upgraded card. So, what's the problem?

Well, Hubby happens to be the most impatient human being on the planet and cannot function without his computer. It was decided that my computer should take a little carpet ride into the living room and hang out at his spacious computer mansion. It should have only affected one post or maybe two a week. Wrong!

The overwhelming move to such a spacious and luxurious new abode distracted my poor computer and compromised her immune system drastically. She was caught off guard by a new and very aggressive virus that threatened to leap through the monitor and set new fire to my shingles.

Normally, we would just throw everything onto Hubby's comp and start fresh. This time, that wasn't an option. We started slapping pictures onto every available storage media we could scratch up. It was a frantic nightmarish experience that took place during one of the most labor intensive kindergarten graduations I have ever seen!

We thought we were successful and last night I sat in Hubby's chair with a contented sigh and began playing around with my freshly cleaned comp. Something happened during the updates and it didn't work out so well. I went another torturous night without my precious computer. I was ready to cry.

Finally, I sat before my sweet comp this afternoon and grinned from ear to ear as I tested out Hubby's handiwork. We moved all my things back onto my comp and Hubby went to bed. Ironically, the shipping info for Hubby's video card came through today and we should expect his new card early next week.

I wouldn't post this heart-wrenching story for you normally, but in the midst of saving my stuff, Hubby saved the wrong set of Favorites. I lost all my links to many of my favorite sites. I felt the tears well up and turned quickly to my friends inside the internet. I needed to share my pain with someone that could understand.

Blogging should be back to normal now. I'm afraid I may not be the very best clicker ever for a while though, and I may not have a chance to check in on all of my blogging peeps, until I can dig up everyone's place again.

Sigh...

Thanks Murphy! You always keep life interesting!

Road Trip!

There has been so much craziness and stress lately. When you get caught up in all of that and then suddenly find yourself at home alone with no plans or deadlines, the silence can be overwhelming. Yesterday, Hubby was asleep and I had the whole day to myself. There were no programs to go to or retreats to attend. My hand isn't back up to par yet and it was actually hurting quite a lot yesterday, so crocheting or writing were out of the question.

At first I was sort of excited to have so much freedom. I sat at the computer with my soda and lunch ready to play around and relax. Then, the stillness took hold. It was so quiet. I started squirming and I could feel anxiety well up in my throat. I can't be still like that or I panic and go nuts. I searched fervantly for a new game to occupy me or some great new project to hold my interest. Nothing. Ugh!


Then, as if "The Big Guy" was reading my mind, the phone rang. My sister had gotten her fill of current boyfriend and wanted to go get her stuff. She wasn't sure what sort of ex-wife drama she would walk into and did not want to go alone. I kissed the Hubby, grabbed my shoes and camera and yelled behind me, "Be back in a little while! I'm going to Kentucky!"


We picked up my younger brother and a few snacks and took off. The trip proved eventful with a bad accident and some seriously crazy rain. We still had a blast and soaked up the fun that goes with an unexpected road trip. Thankfully, there was no drama when we found our destination. Sis picked up her things and we all headed back with more laughs and fun.


I took a few pics on the way. I didn't have the memory card for my big camera, so they aren't great, but you can get the idea.


It never fails to surprise me how quickly the landscape changes once you cross over into Ken.tuck.y. I love the skyline of the city.


It rained too hard on the way up to get any pics. I was disappointed to see how heavy the smog was on the way back. It's still a nice pic though.

Go see what the rest of the class is showing....

In Limbo

My hand is getting better. I can finally type two handed again which makes blogging seem like a luxury after the few one handed posts I managed to squeak out. The week has been very weird and surreal. I haven't had much of a chance to just sit and type or talk out my feelings and frustrations. I feel like a diet soda just begging for a men.to!

My mom was told yesterday that after 31 years of teaching kindergarten, she is being moved to fourth grade. She's handling things like a trooper. I've been squalling my eyeballs out. She has actually gotten excited about it I think. I put on my "Yay! Fourth grade!" face in front of her. I truly think she will get in there and find out how much fun she can have with them and she will love it.

Still, she has been teaching in her current classroom for as long as I can remember. That is where I took my kindergarten naps. It is the room I walked into every single day as a child after school. I did my homework there. I got busted for drinking on a band trip, I cried over break ups, I told her I was getting married, all in that room. We spent many a late night up there working on projects and plans. It is like a second home. My mom raised all three of her babies in that room.

It isn't so much that she is going to teach a new grade. It just feels like she is being evicted from her own life story that upsets me. We will sort through all of her things this summer and move her two halls over to someone else's room with their history and lives embedded into the walls. I love our new principal sometimes, but I don't get why you would move someone that only had a few years left till retirement anyway. It's rather silly.

She isn't the only one being moved either. I think our new principal wants a clean slate and a new staff. She turned the entire staff upside down like a huge tossed salad. Only one teacher per grade stayed in their current grade. She was trying to break up the buddy groups and to a degree I can understand. Still, what a mess!

That isn't the only thing that has got me all worked up this week. There's the upcoming kindergarten graduation and the end of our women's Bible study. My sister graduated college last week, and I am embarking on a new college path myself. We aren't trying actively right now, but I can't put away the "hmmm now how close to ovulation is that plan..." mindset every time I schedule something. We aren't preventing. My husband actually laughed at me when I suggested that. Summer is about to start and I have been desperately trying to find a summer job to keep me occupied and to stash back some cash. I would love to blog this summer or work at home on something, but so far I haven't gotten any brilliant ideas. It's frustrating.

Hopefully, the loose ends will tie themselves as I finish off one of the greatest school years I've ever been a part of. There will be many, many tears this year as a great team of teachers part ways and explore new adventures. Part of me wants to hang on to every moment of the next week. The other part wants to close my eyes and hide until the ride is finally over.

Pajama Party

Here it is again. Today is that icky day that makes me want to curl up in bed and feign an illness. I think I handled myself very well this year. My sister and I staged a kidnap.ping for my mother. Since my sister moved away to college, Mom has been stuck in the house with my brother and dad. Poor thing is about to go out of her mind! We figured we would bring her to my house, lock the door, turn off the phone, and enjoy a girls' night.

It was a miracle I think, but we managed to keep it a secret and pull off our plan. When she got here we presented her with a new pair of pj's and told her to go change. We had a basket of lovely goodies to pamper her hands and feet. My sis gave her a mani and pedi ( I had to sit that one out thanks to my shingles ). Sis also cooked up all of our goodies. We had mini wienies, rote.lle dip with chips, wings, and chocolate chip cookies. We also picked up three girly movies and settled in for a relaxing night sans the men. It was fantastic! Mom is even going to church sockless tomorrow to show off her fancy red toes. I can't remember her ever having painted toenails.

The whole pj party idea, made it easier to celebrate. I felt like I was able to treat myself as well. It was the first year in a long time that I have been able to truly enjoy honoring Mother's Day.

I believe that we should all celebrate this day. We may not hold our children in our arms, but we do hold them in our hearts. Take time to honor yourself today.

This is a pic of Mom's goodie basket and her newly painted piggies.

Go check out what the rest of the class is showing today!