What do we do?

We got a BFN this afternoon. Right before I started spotting again.

Now what?

Seriously, I don't know what to do next. We have a plan in place with the doc to go up to 150mg, but honestly at this point I feel so defeated. It seems so stupid to keep pouring money into this. What is one more set of pills gonna do for us? If God had intended us to have a child, why would that one month make any difference?

I'm so angry at Him right now. I don't understand all of this. I feel so trapped too. I just want to curl up in a dark corner of the world and disappear right now, but I can't. I have surrounded myself with the very thing that causes me the most pain: other people's children. It is in every part of my life. I can't help it though. The need to fill that void somehow just draws me to them. They break my heart and hold it together all at the same time.

The ideal plan would be to cry a bit, hurt alot, dust off and try for this one last time. My body is working the right way and we are on a roll. It isn't possible though. We have to come up with $150 in just a few days. We won't have it. The timing on this is horrible. We have gone through all of our savings for medicine and copays. There aren't any more coffee cans in the back yard.

Part of me says," Well, that's your sign. Time to pack it up and quit."
The other part keeps saying," You'll never be able to quit and just leave that one last try sitting there on the table." It's like the last dinner roll, you can't just leave it all alone there in the basket. No matter how full, someone will step up and eat it.

The failure and disappointment feel like they are suffocating me right now. We're just stuck in the middle of the pond just out of reach of the oars. I guess our picnic is over.

April Showers too soon

I am amazed at how green things have gotten over the past week! I spent the entire week confined to either bed or couch, unable to breathe or move. I haven't been that sick in ages. I have no idea what it was because I was too sick to get out of bed and go to the doctor. I just took some tylenol and waited painfully for the next wave of sleep to take over. By Friday, I sounded horrible, but I was able to stand for more than a few seconds and I felt a million times better! I finally went to Mom's for a bit that night and it was shocking to see how quickly spring had sprung in my absence.

Saturday brought with it sounds of thunder and more signs of nature's awakening. The rain started to fall as I headed out to pick up some dinner. I told Hubby how beautiful it was outside. The sky was like a checkerboard, one minute sunny, the next black. Sure enough, as I drove down the road, a tornado warning came across the radio for some neighboring counties. We never faced any dangers, but other places had quite a bit of damage.

I took the chance to snap up a few shots before running in to pee. I had no idea that the clouds had also brought someone else with them. I stared in disbelief at the pink tp for a long time. It confused me. It isn't time yet. We still have four days. I was out of pads, toilet paper, I was so screwed!

I called my mom and they happened to be on their way home. They were very ironically driving past my house at that moment and swung by to pick me up. I stayed at their house until Hubby got off work. I couldn't sit in our house alone. For the first time ever, Mom listened to our plans and she was supportive and asked questions. It felt good to talk to someone.

I got home and there is not even a slight tinge of spotting. I don't know what in this world is going on with my body. I'm so frustrated with it right now. I'm sure tomorrow will tell us more, but for now the clouds still cover up all of our hopes and dreams. We hoped so much that it would work this time. We are $150 short for the next cycle, our last with this doctor. There are lots of painful decisions to be made it seems and I prayed so hard that we would be spared. Why can't the universe just be straight-forward with me? Instead, I get the run around and the guessing games. If you have any connections with St. Peter or Gabriel, perhaps you could send 'em an email for Hubby and me. Maybe they just accidentally forgot that it's been raining over here for the past 6 years.

Sorry for such a gloomy S&T this week. Perhaps you should go check out the rest of the class...

Crawling out of bed post

I've been a bad blogger. It wasn't because I forgot any of you. I would love to tell you that I have been whiling away the hours on white sandy beaches in a tropical paradise with the waves licking my toes. I would feel less guilty if I told you I had been so busy lately that I had fallen asleep standing up to save a few precious moments of productivity. I can't tell you those things truthfully, though. Nope, truth is, I've been asleep. Seriously.

Saturday morning I got up and my chest hurt a little. I knew it was coming. Every single time I have a good cycle I get a cold. This time is no different. Well, it is a little. This is just a simple "Help! The pollen thinks I'm a bee!" sort of allergy type cough complete with a runny nose and itchy eyes. It has managed to kick my butt. Or...something has.

I am tired. I'm not really sleeping much more than normal (other than that 2 hour afternoon nap I discreetly added in), it's just that I feel like I am carrying around an extra 50 pound weight in my pocket. The girls have gone on an "All hands off deck!" strike too. Ow! It doesn't help either that my brain has begun to swim Phelps-like circles around and around in my head. I was completely prepared for all this silliness. I knew that I would have side effects. I wasn't quite expecting my face to catch fire from a 99.1 degree temp for the past three days, but my body loves to throw in a few surprises. Speaking of surprises, I totally love that lurching feeling my stomach takes when food enters the room. Half of it wants to devour every crumb while the other half tries stoically to hold on to my last meal. My body is completely nuts!

That little Sheldon is really doing a number on me this time. I just hope he gets enough giggles to stick around until...say... Christmas?!?!

Garble...

I had a nice neat post all prepared to rush home and whittle out, but my brain is mush. I have gone to training two nights this week until nine o'clock and tonight I had my weekly women's study at church until eight thirty. This post is going to be a garble. I apologize.

I did have the full 10k units of hcg. The doc never gave me the details on his plan, so I'm not sure what he intended. I just pray that perhaps this is the jump start my little Sheldon needs.

How do I feel? Well, exhausted. I'm tired. I know most of it has to do with how busy I have been this week and probably a bit to do with the hamster wheel that is spinning furiously in my brain. I don't want to wait. I want to know. I hate this. Also, my "girls" omg. They are sore right now. I'm not sure whether the hormones are affecting them more than the fact that I was put on the ground in restraint training last night and my poor "girls" got caught in the middle. There is weird twingy, crampy, bloated type feelings going on in my abdomen. I have also battled a loss of appetite. I get hungry but I can only eat a little of it. I'm sure that has to do with the bloat.

I'm a bit frustrated about the events of my training last night. We had to do restraint training to make up some hours that we had missed due to snow. Restraints are used when a child becomes violent or out of control. I signed up a couple of months ago for it and the timing couldn't have been worse. We got out of school at three thirty and had to be half an hour away at four thirty. We had no dinner break and got out at eight thirty for the half hour drive home. Ugh!

I don't like to miss any days, ever. My recent absences raised a bit of an eyebrow and I had several questions. I answered them truthfully and as vaguely as I could, but you know how teachers are. They have to know it all! The second night of our training was totally physical. We had to learn the restraints and perform them correctly in order to pass. I have been trained before so I knew what to expect. Several of my coworkers did not and they threw a hissy that I would consider participating "in my condition." Thankfully, our school nurse came to my aid and assured everyone that she would sit me out if it became to strenuous.

It was flattering I suppose to be fussed over, but it bothered me. Everyone has turned this into a big ordeal this month. They mean well, and they are very sweet and motherly, but they just don't get it. This feels like just another month for me. It is just another wait. It is a time of silent whispered hope and prayer as well as preparation for the crushing grief to follow. I'm doing all I can to hang on as it is. I'm glad to have their support, but I think I would rather go it alone sometimes. I can't imagine the reaction if it doesn't work. I have a hard enough time without all those people. I'm pretty sensitive to everything right now and this particular subject is extremely tender. I'm not sure what to do or how to handle it.

Thankfully, tomorrow afternoon I begin a wonderful week of spring break. I am going to rest and keep my feet up all week hopefully. I want Sheldon to have a chance to get real comfortable for a nice long stay. I have never wanted this more than I do right now. I just hope he knows that.

Needly St. Pat's

I was supposed to go in for an ultrasound yesterday to check out my response to the clomid. I already knew it was more than likely an internal u/s, so I told Hubby that I wanted to "freshen up" before we left. He kept fussing at me to hurry that there was no reason to do that when the doc was just going to slap some gel on my belly and we'd be done. Of course I had to be right. I thought maybe since I was still bleeding just a little, that he would tell me we couldn't do it this month, but he went right on.

The ultrasound showed that my right ovary isn't doing anything really. The doc pointed it out and explained where the follicles were and the sizes. He expressed his disappointment and then said "Let's check the left just in case."

When he scanned over it, Hubby popped up and said, "Ooh, those are good ones!" The doctor laughed and agreed. I have one beautiful little follicle named Fran that was at about 16 mm.

Doc printed out a pic and disappeared for a little while. He came in and told us that he wanted to do an hcg trigger. He said it wasn't proven to help, but it couldn't hurt. We would have to go to this one specific pharmacy and pick it up and bring it back. We had not been planning on forking out the cash for an injection and told him we couldn't do it right then. No worries though, he told me to come in first thing in the morning. We went home and I called every pharmacy in town to try and find someone local that could fill the script so I didn't miss another day at work. The only pharmacy for many miles happens to be that one and they keep it on hand for my doc's partner.

Now, just a bit of background... My doc's partner happens to be the one that helped my mom get me. It is a long running joke with all of us at work that his office is where babies come from. We are pretty sure that my doc took the measurements over to the other doc and that is where we came up with this sudden deviation in the plan. I think it's pretty cool that this time he had a hand in it. Hopefully, he is where babies come from after all!

I took off this morning and got to the pharmacy just as it opened. I had issues with a lady about using my insurance card. I refused and she got huffy. Thankfully, the pharmacist had remembered me from the day before and he rescued me. The pharmacy has a beautiful picture of a baby with angel wings and the inside is loaded with gorgeous baby things. Perhaps it was a good sign?

I got to the office and doc was in surgery. The nurses had never given anyone an hcg shot before. They made me take a pg test which I thought was hilarious. They decided it should be broken into two injections; one on each side. I'm not a person that minds needles. I had several surgeries as a kid and was very used to being poked. I had a brief spell of piercings and tattoos. This injection was so slow and it stung a little, but no biggie. Well, until I had driven half an hour home and went straight to work. My back is very sore.

I hope to goodness that this works. We are going to have a bit of fun with it though and go buy a few tests. It may be the only positive I ever get to see, so why not? I guess tonight, we do the hokey pokey till we pass out and then pray for the best right? Surely the fact that it's the luckiest day of the year can't hurt.

Too Cute Tuesday... Happy St. Patty's!

This is one of my favorite days of the year! Spring, Hubby's bday, green, rainbows, the word "blarney," they all get me excited. This year we made Leprechaun traps in our classes. It was so much fun to see them all work together to concoct some sort of plan to trap a leprechaun. Remember, these are kindergarteners. They worked so hard on these! I thought you all would love to see them...

This one is pretty neat. The leprechaun is supposed to think the bell is gold and grab it. When he pulls on it the door is attached to the bell via string and pulls closed like a draw bridge, trapping the leprechaun inside. There are little pillows, air holes, a pipe cleaner soaked in water (if he gets thirsty) and a couple of tiny pieces of my granola mix for food.

With this one, there is a second hole with "gold" tempting him to jump in. Once inside he will get confused and caught in all of the stuff.

This one is funny. There is actually a cup in there that you can't see. He is supposed to think that the bottle (with glued on sequins) is treasure. Once inside he will see the sparkly sequins baited under the cup. The cup will fall over on him and he will be trapped. There are bells attached to let you know when he is caught.

The point of this last one is to coax him to the egg. Once in the egg, he will fight and get stuck in the glue dotted in the bottom and the egg will close trapping him inside.

Hopefully they will catch one tomorrow. I am afraid I will have to miss out on the fun. I have to go run down a vial of hcg tomorrow and get it to the doc by 9am for an injection. Fun times.

A Wonderful Gift! (Show and Tell)

Friday I got paid, and Hubby and I did all of the necessary running around before he left for work in order to pay the bills. Our final stop was at the rent office. I ran in to pay and Hubby volunteered to grab the mail. When I climbed back in the car, my seat was taken over by a box! I knew immediately what it was and squealed with delight.

I raced up the stairs and opened the box. My eyes glazed over with wonder at all of the beautiful colors packed inside. Thank you, thank you, thank you to my wonderful friend Kristin! I can't wait to make something wonderful in return!

Check out the rest of the class!

Take a look...

Very cool site with a wonderful cause. Go check them out.
Tide's Loads of Hope Website

You can also get your own vintage tee here and support their hard work:
http://tidetshirts.pgvillage.com/c-9-show-all.aspx?_vsc=tide4

The Sisterhood

Thanks to wonderful, fabulous VA Blondie over at Do Without Doing I have received the Sisterhood Award! This is such a perfect award because I truly feel like I have found a sisterhood of wonderful women to help me stumble around on this icky, bumpy road. I feel very blessed to be included in this amazing circle! Thank you very much VA! I love ya!

The rules for accepting the award are as follows: Put the logo on your blog or post. Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude. Be sure to link to your nominees in your post. Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog. Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

These are my nominees in no particular order (My brain is not working well enough for any sort of order right now!).

1. Leanne has a great blog and two beautiful new babies! I've been reading her for a long time and I think she is fabulous!

2. Jenni at Trying to Become Pregnant With PCOS has been in my group of reads for a long time too. I love her funny stories. She has had a very hard road, but finally she is close to the end of the finish line!

3. Emily is another long time read. She has been through so much and she still keeps going. I admire her perserverance and strength so much.

4. WaterBishop at An Older Version has a wonderful blog. She has gone through a lot lately and could use a virtual hug.

5. May is awesome! I love the way she writes her posts.

6. Awake on the Night Shift always has fun posts too. I look forward to seeing her pictures and captions.

7. Un-Simple Procreation is a fun blog. She has just changed her blog, but she linked it on her old one. I am so happy that she has crossed the finish line and has a beautiful little girl for a prize!

8. Betty always has something fun to say. She has a lot going on right now and I hope she does whatever makes her the happiest!

9. Who doesn't love Kristen!? I've been reading her blog for a long time and she has been a wonderful support sister for me!

10. Finding Motherhood is last on the list. I lost her for a while after a comp crash mixed up my fav's list and I was overjoyed to find her again with a little one on the way!

I guess that wraps it up. There are tons more out there that have been such a wonderful source of encouragement and warm fuzzies for me. I don't know what I would do without you all!

*******Oh yeah! By the way... A Very happy birthday to Eden!

Too Cute Tuesday...An Extra Leg

The little boy that did this gave me his description of his creation this morning. I asked him why he had added another leg. He looked at me with a "Duh" expression and said, "I wanted him to run faster Mrs. Arian!"

This is one of the few I have seen in the past years that was purely unintentional.

New Critters!

Hubby was so awesome on Thursday after our appointment. He let me get new fish! They are Paradise Gouramis. They still remain nameless, but hopefully will have names this week as well as a new tank. Oh yes and please pardon the mish mosh of gravel and decor. This tank at one time belonged to a very special little girl's hermit crab and I haven't been able to let go of the rather "colorful" decor. Perhaps next week I can show you pictures of the happy couple in their new home!

Check out what the rest of the class is showing!

The Verdict

We have two more cycles.

We are going to try 100mg of clomid this month with an ultrasound on day 13. If that doesn't work, we will try one cycle with 150mg and he will monitor that one as well. If that doesn't work.... off to the clinic we go.

Where we are

I had an appointment scheduled for Tuesday.

It snowed. I was out of school. Hubby's days off got messed up. One of my checks was delayed. The check was supposed to pay for the appt. We could have gone despite the whole check issue, but I just didn't want to. I still don't really want to go.

I rescheduled for Thursday and I'm not backing out. Hubby will be off and he is going with me. I started to buy a test tonight and Hubby told me not to bother. I hate that the hopeless bug has gotten him too. I'm pretty certain I'm not, but I can't argue with that tiny little "what if." I wanted to test before hand. I don't want to go in and ask for a test and then look like a moron when it's neg. Still, I know he will put me on Provera at the very least and I hate that .000001% chance that I don't need it.

I'm hoping he can help me figure out my migraine issue. I keep telling myself that is the main reason for my trip. I don't want to consider the true reason or the possible weight of the discussion we will have behind closed doors. It makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry.

Today I even caught myself saying, you know, I "mother" hundreds of kids every year. Shouldn't that be enough? Perhaps this is the only motherhood I am destined to know. Maybe I was never supposed to be a mom. I should feel blessed with what opportunities I have.

Ugh! This mess makes me so crazy. I want to take infertility and all the stuff that goes with it and fling it as far off the edge of the world as I can. I want to scream at the universe to "Suck it!" and stomp and kick with the best two year olds.

Instead, I will pack my little bag of goodies to occupy Hubby while we wait for the real women to be seen. I will go to the doctor like an obedient little infertile and sit in plain view so the ladies with the bulging bellies can see what such an odd and piteous creature looks like.

Happy Birthday

I intended to show you this for show and tell, then it snowed. I then, planned on showing it to you Monday on his birthday. I sat down to do the post and something entirely different came out. I decided that it was just meant to be that way and left it. Anyhoo, this is one of the kindergarten doors I did to celebrate "Read Across America" week. It is probably my favorite door so far and I spend way too much time outside smiling at it! Sorry for the glare. The lights wouldn't cooperate with me that day.

The pink things are the "poofs" that Horton has to sift through to find the one his friends reside on. The kids drew a picture of them in the center of their poof and we put a "speck" of pink glitter on each poof. The children insisted on having a speck. That is after all, where the Who's lived.

Just in case you are wondering... I did not freehand that elephant! I used a projector and traced his image from the book. Muuuch easier to do!

Too Cute Tuesday - gardening 101

Me: Tim, which one of these doesn't belong?

Tim: *looks at card for a long time before looking to me for direction.*

Me: Let's read the words... tree, grass, weeds, hen. What is a tree? Grass? Weeds? (he answered these correctly) A hen?

Tim: Well, uh... I don't rightly know.

*Ann raises her hand and starts dancing around*

Me: Ann, could you maybe help Tim a little?

Ann: I know! It's one of those chicken things that lays the eggs!

Me: Good! Now, Tim, can you plant a tree?

Tim: yes

Me: Can you plant grass?

Tim: yes

Me: Can you plant weeds?

Tim: Well, I guess so, but my granny hates em.

Me: Ok. Well what about a hen?

*They all giggled. Ann raised her hand again*

Ann: Well Mrs. Arian, I guess if'n you did plant a hen, you'd just grow an eggplant!

Lost

I think af has shown up finally.

I have scolded myself more than once this week for cutting people off when they ask if she has shown up and then suggest the unthinkable. It made me realize what this journey has done to me so far. It made me sad to have to acknowledge so much bitterness. I hate that I carry it into every part of my life. My work, my worship, my home, they are all affected by my inability to have a child.

In the past, when af has taken her precious, sweet time (because apparently she has an awful lot of that!) I would hold on to a sliver of hope. I would laugh at my friends' inquiries and then turn my back and pray. I held my breath and dared not whisper my hope.

In the past few months, the hope has vanished. I no longer consider it a possibility. I feel like I am just going through the motions because it is what I'm supposed to do. I don't know how or when we are supposed to cry "uncle" and move on. I just keep moving forward, waiting for the big road block that says we can't anymore.

I used to pray each month that finally my time had come. I don't do that anymore. Now I just pray that I will get a time at some point. I no longer cling to hope. I cling to faith. This is the hardest thing I have ever done.

I thought when I was attacked, that there could be nothing more difficult to survive. I battled anorexia and depression. I fought every single day to feel worthy of the air I breathed. I lost my faith in humankind and in my God. I searched for years to find the scattered pieces. Still, I knew when I was attacked that someday there would be a light at the end of the tunnel. I knew if I just worked hard and pushed on through, the grief and pain would ease into the background of what makes me who I am.

This journey is so different from that one. I have to draw on a completely different strength to carry on. I can't see a light. If I push on through this dark place there is no promise that I will find peace. I trudge blindly and silently through my day to day never knowing if the right time and place will come along to bring me the child I want so desperately. The ache is overwhelming. The failure immeasurable.

The people that surround me - my support system - they can't help me this time. They have no words that encourage or bandage. It isn't their fault. They can't possibly understand. This need that we all have to mother. It is the most primitive and instinctive need a woman can have. Our bodies are all so torn and confused. How could anyone understand how painful that is unless they too have walked in these shoes?

I'm so grateful to have this place and all of you. I think I would have given up a long time ago if it had not been for you. I'm sorry that any of us have to travel this path.

I'm sort of stuck right now. We will go to the doctor Tuesday and listen to what he says. I have considered several times, calling and canceling. I would love to hide in my closet and forget about this stuff, but my heart won't let me. I have no idea what our next game plan is, but I know there aren't many more options before he sends us off to the clinic. For us, that's the big road block. Financially, there is no way we could take that option right now. Emotionally, we have avoided such talk up until now. I'm not sure how far into that world I am willing to go. My body doesn't handle these treatments well and we are still taking baby steps. I can't imagine how it would respond to the big guns.

I guess time will tell right? Time. It's always about time. So many things require it and I haven't any to spare.

Lions and Lambs and such...***Update!***

We made it! It is March! I am overjoyed and ecstatic! Wait...what?

February just had to go out with a bang! March roared in with some crazy, crazy snow! I haven't seen this much snow since the first month Hubby and I were married. It's beautiful though and I've already had a year's worth of fun in it!

Hubby couldn't get home from work, so Dan saved the day. They came in like crazy teens and pulled me out with them for a little joy ride. I don't normally condone such silliness, but seriously, this snow was just nuts! How could I miss it? I was more than excited about getting to take advantage of my awesomely amazing Christmas present! I totally love my camera!

Here are some fun pics from our romp in the snow.

This was taken before Hubby came home.

This was at an intersection. Dan and Hubby were laughing at me because I kept sticking my head out the window to take pictures!

We saw this guy from the road and decided to pull in at our local Wally World to check it out. The teens that were building him were very happy to let us photograph their new friend!

As of right now (the snow is still coming down!) we have at least 5 if not 6 inches of snow. That's just unheard of here!

**** I had to add these pics up here! We have about 9 inches now which is more than I have seen in my entire life! They say for us to expect snow for another 2 hours, but it has slacked off to flurries I think.

Parker got stuck in the snow and had to kangaroo hop his way back to the porch!

Go see what the rest of the class is showing while we try to dig our way out of this stuff!