Monsters

I guess I've hit that spot in my cycle where the waiting and unanswered questions are becoming more and more unbearable. Today is CD21 and truly I just don't know what to do or where to be within myself. Because this is a medicated cycle all of my crampiness and bloating and antsy dancy emotions are unreliable and that frustrates me.

I went to a couple of my old message board haunts just to see if I could find any info about ovulation times on clomid and such. Instead I got this icky sense of dread as I read more and more about temps and obsessing and such. Since taking a break back in December, I haven't returned to the boards and now I know why. All of that craziness is just not worth it for me. *This is not to say that some people don't find great support and a wonderful network of people to help them on message boards! I'm just saying that for me it isn't healthy and it isn't working or helping me.*

I have symptoms. Who doesn't? I have hopes. Again, who doesn't? I have doubts and terrors. Everyone has those too. I just don't know what to do with myself right now. I feel like I'm in a bad Godz.illa movie with the bitter and jaded infertile me playing Godz.illa and the me going through this cycle playing that teeny little chick he always picks up and threatens to swallow whole. Unfortunately, this time there aren't oodles of national guard and police type people maneuvering in swarms below to save me when I fall. There aren't helicopters and military type jets buzzing around the monter's head to prevent him from popping me into his mouth like a fluffy popcorn kernal. I'm just stuck in this icky tense "wait for whatever" moment to occur. This Sucks!

Generations... A show and tell post

Today I thought I would show you all my new plant. It isn't exactly new, but I wanted to give it a couple of weeks to grow up a bit before unveiling it to you. I know I've talked about how excited I get during the spring and summer before, and I know you've heard me gab about how much I love my flowers, but this one is super cool for me!

A few weeks ago, we went out and visited my grandparents. I love going out there and hanging out with them and I truly wish I could get out there much more often than I do. My grandparents are some of the coolest people on the earth for me and they have taught me so much growing up. My mom has always been a little critical or negative as moms often are with their first born, but my grandparents - they have always been there gently nudging me in the right direction. They always have a certain patience with me like they know it will all turn out right in the end.

My paternal grandmother taught me tons of things about sewing and crocheting. She taught me how to cook oatmeal and biscuits. She showed me how hard and rewarding it is to work a garden. She also taught me the importance of loving other people, giving to other people, and cleaning up my messes whether they be tangible or life messes.

My paternal grandfather taught me how to enjoy and appreciate the "noisy quiet" of a summer night on the patio. He taught me how to grease a bike chain and play outside. He showed me how to hunt for four leaf clovers and taught me patience alongside our hunts. He also taught me how precious people in our lives are. He died when I was twelve after a long illness and through that, I realized I needed to cherish every single moment.

My maternal grandparents taught me a wealth of things too! My grandfather showed me how to find a passion in something and work to do it well. He was a carpenter and in fact did much of the finish work on the apartment hubby and I now live in. I take joy and pride in that. I love knowing that when I touch the doorway as I walk in, his hands have been there too. He showed me how to fish and bottle feed a calf. We have both always enjoyed books but in the past couple of years, I have come to share my love for books with him. I learned how to laugh from him. I will never tire of his laugh.

My grandmother taught me how to worry. I know that may sound horrible to some but I actually chuckle every time I think this thought. I am a lot like her in many ways. I wring my hands and worry about all those silly details. I love lists and find myself writing them even when there is no need for a list. She also taught me her love for flowers. It is one that I am slow at but in the past few years I have grown a huge passion for. I call her all the time to ask her questions about my poor little plants. She has taught me secrets and tricks and, well... I try. I really do!

This love for plants has brought into my life something that all of the grandparents in their own way have taught me. These plants that she sends home with me have all connected me to my family. They remind me that I am a part of something much bigger than myself. Most often I am sent home with a pot of newly set cuttings from a plant that has spilled out into her yard or house sometimes taking over several pots scattered around.

As she tells me how she potted it and how to care for it, she always pops in there somewhere that this was one of her mother's plants. I remember my great grandmother vaguely and as a very small child I loved her very much. She was a caring person that often loved people too much for her own good. To know that the plants I have spilling from their pots onto my balcony or living room floor were started with her own hands reminds me how precious my time with my family is. My grandmother takes all of her plants into the well house each winter and baby's them through. She nurtures them and loves them, coaxing them out again as spring and summer emerge. She has managed to give me such a precious gift that now stretches out four generations. I hope that I can learn to keep that gift growing so that someday I can make it five!

Someone heard my plea!

Whew! I'm pooped! We had a fantastic couple of days but I am worn out! This won't be the most meaningful or eloquent post, but lots of neat things happened that I was excited to share...

Monday was pretty ho hum. We both scrubbed and grocery shopped. We finally crashed around midnight. Hubby's parents had originally planned to be at our house much earlier, but they had some unexpected setbacks. No biggie. They were supposed to call when they were close so I could make sure hubby was awake when they got in. They knocked on the door at six a.m.! It was so much fun to see hubby's dead asleep face when his parents walked in! We were all exhausted so we crashed for two or three hours and then set out to have some fun.

We spent most of the day in the city prowling around and chit chatting. I can't tell you how awesome it felt to see hubby hanging out with his mom and dad! He has missed them so much lately! He got to spend some one on one time with his dad and we all talked ourselves to sleep by eleven o'clock. Hubby and I didn't sleep much last night and finally got up early this morning to fix breakfast. His mom and dad ate and then got ready to head out. It was a short trip, but it did hubby a world of good! It was wonderful to see them again. We both miss them a lot so any time we get to spend with them is usually pretty great.

Two really cool things happened yesterday too! I saw a baby ladybug! It was crawling on the railing of our balcony between hubby and me! I meant to get a pic but I forgot. Sorry. We also saw a rainbow yesterday! Hubby's mom and dad didn't quite get how awesome that was but hubby did! It wasn't a huge bright one but it was still there and gorgeous! Hope is really bringing out all the stops this time eh?

Once his parents left I expected there to be some arguing or a big let down like usual. This time we were both so tired that neither had the energy. We sat down to a movie and I fell asleep in hubby's lap. At one point I woke up and there were huge thunderclaps outside. It made our afternoon nap even more relaxing and fabulous! Then the power went out. Only for a little while though and it gave us a chance to go out and enjoy the storm. After the lights came back on we came back in and I fixed us some lunch. It seems boring I guess but honestly it is so relaxing!

The only downside to the entire week so far has been that Zina got sick. She has a little doggy virus of some sort complete with a fever and everything. We are going to take her to the vet tomorrow morning if she isn't better. So far she seems to be feeling a bit better. Last night she was pretty sick.

Sorry for such a disjointed post today. My hormones are in full swing at the moment and my brain doesn't want to function right. At least the hot flashes have stopped though!

I've lost all threads of control!

I am almost at the end of my rope today! My body has taken on a mind of its own and I am about to scream! Anyone familiar with the turmoil of infertility can understand this I'm sure! Gone are the carefree days when skipping a period was cause for celebration - that is after you run white faced into the nearest drug store, peeing on the stick in the drug store's bathroom and skipping out the door with a grin on your face and a party in your heart. Nope. Those days are gone. I don't even think I remember days like that! I don't remember being able to plan travel plans around my periods either. I always walk around with not only minimal protection in case such an emergency should arise, but an arsenal of various tools with which to levee the floods of Aunt Flo.

PCOS brings on a whole new set of rules for the infertile to play with. Metformin always keeps you on your toes with constant fear of what each bite of food will bring you in the future. Forget scheduling pictures for your family! You will inevitably arrive bearing the face of a twelve year old struggling with the woes of puberty and acne. Once you have battled the acne and filled your medicine cabinet with a year's salary worth of creams and such from your dermatologist, there is sometimes a band of stray hairs waiting in the bushes to sabatoge any relief you have found in your costly cabinet! This leaves you defenseless and plucking while the battle of the bulge takes over, suffocating that tiny calorie packing teen you used to be. The result? An exercising, calorie counting fanatic, cursing the someone that must have super glued the needle on her scales because for some reason they never friggin move! This is all of course minor little scrapes and bangs compared to the true horror that comes from your drunk off PCOS Aunt Flo! She may not show up for a year, then all of a sudden she will rush in like a hurricane refusing to leave for weeks on end. Bitch!

This all seems bad enough to any outsider, but we all know the story gets worse right? Of course it does! The downward spiral doesn't truly begin until the clock starts to tick and the images of tiny little feet and drooling smiles take over our dreams and hearts. We try everything. We commit to a crazy calendar locked life, timing and waiting every step of the way. We take new medications that render us helpless in our battle of control.

This is where I am now. This morning I got sick. No biggie. I had expected it to happen at some point. It was a very brief situation and then life moved on. I took care of other people's babies for three hours and headed over to my parents for a day of laundry. I thought all was well....HA! Dad in all his penny pinching glory had set the thermostat on "roast" and of course my body went nuts! I have been wringing sweat since eleven-thirty this morning (note: I did not even leave church until noon-ish, but somehow I know my dad is to blame!). As I got up to switch out laundry I noticed that my back seemed a bit sore. Not long after the twinges of cramping and pain started. I was actually kind of happy for the first four hours. My body was working. That was a long time ago though! Good golly, how long does it take to lay an egg!?!? With all of the twitching, sweating, cramping, and such, exhaustion set in. My body feels like it is made out of lead! Oh and did I mention the gargantuan zit I had this morning? Ack! Out of control I tell you!

But....

Ask me how I feel about this (aside from the desire to run around naked and screaming due to the intense heat). I'm happier than a pig in mud! For once, my arsenal of drugs, creams, and calculations are working and my body is yielding to my command. Well.... I know, I know.....ok fine....

Darn it! Let me have my moment!

Someone got a hair cut! A show and tell post...

In the absence of children, so many of us find ways to stifle the overwhelming emptiness in our homes and lives. Some of us travel hunting for new places and sights. Some of us hang out in the great outdoors seeking out new adventures and thrills. Some of us work pushing our way up the ladder. Then, there are those of us like hubby and myself that try to fill it with fur.

Hubby and I have both always had a dog in our life. We both grew up with them as kids and now as a married couple we can't imagine life without them. Right now we have two. We have Parker - a Shih Tzu/chihuaua cross and Zina a minature pinscher.

When we moved close to his parents we had to leave my puppy behind until we found a new place. He got very depressed and one day just after Thanksgiving he slipped out the door at my parents. I was heartbroken and angry that we had not been able to bring him with us in the first place. Hubby felt horrible and got Parker the day we moved into our new place a week before Christmas. He weighed half a pound and we carried him in a shirt pocket so we didn't lose him. His first toy was as tall as he was! As he grew up we noticed that his hair did not grow like we had expected. Most Shih Tzus have a thick undercoat and a coarser top coat that flows over it. Parkie got the shallow end of the gene pool unfortunately and while his hair does grow long, very little of it is coarse and flowy. This makes him look like an oversized cotton ball at times. Most often though, his hair is kinky and wildly out of control!

We quickly devised a plan of action after realizing not only that his hair is out of control but that Parker seems to prefer it and will fight tooth and nail to avoid a brush. We let his hair grow through the year and by summer when he looks his worst we spend a tortuous half day shaving him for the hot weather. I know we could go to a groomer, but in our tiny town there isn't one and to be honest I'm afraid if we ever did take him to one, he would be banished for life for his grumpy behavior!

Last week we finally had as much as we could take with his horrific locks and a whole grocery bag of hair later he is.....

Cold!

He spends a lot of his time curled up in his new favorite spot - the closet! He hangs out there curled up on a blanket in the corner. If he isn't there he is snuggled up as close as he can get to us and if there is a blanket, you can bet he is under it!

I don't know what we would do without these guys! We love them so much and truly treat them like our kids a lot of the time. Mom even calls them her granddogs!

What do you do or have (or did or have in some cases) that helps you live in a home without children?

A shot of Zina so she doesn't get jealous!

Who is that knocking on our door?

I finished the clomid last night. So far other than a few headaches and the overwhelming sense that my reproductive parts are going to swell and burst out of me at any moment, I feel ok. Things have been a bit tense in the house the past couple of days but for reasons that do not involve mood swings or medications. It seems we have a few visitors creeping into the quiet safe little cave we call home.

The first thing that crept in was fear. It bit hubby very hard on the rump and scared the behoovits out of him. It has caused a shutdown in his emotional control center as of late and it infuriates me when that happens! He just wants to play his games and nod my direction on occasion. He's worried about being a good dad and doing things the right way. He had a rough childhood and it follows him making fatherhood a scary prospect. I know he does this and I can't do anything about it. I can't do much to help him either when he's shut down like that. He won't talk about it until something stupid comes up and one of us explodes in anger. It is so frustrating though. We took a break from ttc for a month or two before my migraines took priority. This is why we took the break. The emotional breakdown is just overwhelming sometimes. To have a baby is such a life changing concept and to not have one is just devastating. We're trying to be open and up front with things and check in often this go round. Still, it's getting mucky over here again.

This brings me round to the next uninvited guest. Hope. I'm scared to death of Hope! I never gave her permission to come in my house. I never told her she was allowed to breathe on my husband let alone wrap her grubby little paws around his neck! Hubby is so convinced that this is going to work and that we will have a little one soon. I'm not so easily manipulated. Part of me longs to secretly dream and start assembling the furniture. The other part, the bigger part, tells me to stand firm and not allow her intoxicating breath to lure me in. I know that there are statistics and I know that we always seem to fall in that "other percent." You know, the one no one likes to post because it means failure. I would love to be excited about this and gear up for mommy mode but thankfully our ever constant pet Disappointment holds me in place.

On top of all these uninvited critters having their way about our home and hearts, my in-laws are coming! What the heck!?!?! They very seldom ever visit. I think we have seen them three maybe four times in the two years we've been here and one of those times involved us renting a vehicle and knocking on their door. I had hoped they would come after hubby's mom hinted at it, and I convinced him to take the weekend of the 4th off. Of course they had to come during the week instead huh? Thankfully, he has Monday and Tuesday off so he can see them. They will only be here for a day but I feel like I have to scrub every corner! I have convinced myself to hold off until tomorrow or Sunday though so no one can mess it back up. I think I have the food worked out, but I am clueless as to what we can do to pass the time. I suppose we could always do what my grandfather told me to do and twiddle our thumbs!

So, today I'm going to work on my blanket and try to will myself not to think about things. I'm going to procrastinate on the preparations for our visit next week and I'm going to ignore all of our current guests for a while and play the bad hostess. Maybe if they see I'm not pulling out the fine china tea set they will pack up and leave?

*** This is not to say that I am not ecstatic that his parents are visiting! I love it when they do! I wish they could stay a week rather than a day! I just get stressed over the planning and the money and I hate knowing I will have to see hubby's face fall when they leave.***

Iamsis...my sis

My sister came over last night to pick up her decrepit laptop and to swim. During the summer she comes over often and we head down to the complex's pool to hang out for a couple of hours. Last night was no exception. The water was much colder than normal and apparently that had scared off all of the teeny boppers and obnoxious folk (thankfully). We had the whole place to ourselves for a good part of our time and we had a chance to discuss all those silly girl things two sisters discuss.

Not long after we got in, a family came in with three very small children and what we assumed was another on the way. They were absolutely adorable and very well behaved. The oldest little girl was so funny and friendly. She immediately trudged over on her little floatie and said "Hi! I'm Leah! Who are you?" We giggled and told her our names. My sister went first with "Hi! I am Sis. Leah, giggled and said "Iamsis...nice name." and turned to me. We laughed a while over that one.

Not long after, they left to find warm towels and head to bed. Sis and I stayed on discussing the meaning of life, love, and peanut butter. It hit me kind of slow like how different I am from her. My sister has always followed close behind me in good little sister fashion, trying to mimic a lot of the things I do. We are only three years apart but already our lives have taken drastically different turns.

She was in high school when I first moved to the city. I had a very hard time in high school and I wanted to do anything to get away from it. This move I think was good for her in that she finally had to be the oldest kid and take care of herself and my little brother. Not long after I moved into the city, I met and married hubby and she and little bro got mad at hubby. Big time! Two years ago when we moved back here my relationship with Sis turned into a very cool adult sister relationship. We're really close now and I love that.

Sis is slowly becoming an independent adult. I ran terrified from my past into adulthood embracing it with all my strength. Sis has slowly waded in pausing often to absorb the shock much like we both did at the pool last night. She moved away to college last summer and it was probably the hardest thing she has ever done. She gets homesick very quickly and never strayed from home much even as a kid. She is trying to figure out the dating scene and all that silliness too. She still plays games with the boys and lets her overdramatic personality take charge a lot of the time.

By the time I was her age I had been married three years and we had been trying for three years. I had attended my best friend's funeral, dealt with a miscarriage, moved five or six times and started college. As I listened to her rattle on carefree about how many children she wanted and what she would name them, I realized I had to fastforward through that phase. Within the first six months of our marriage we knew having children was going to be hard. We went from discussions of four to prayers for one. We discussed names in a quiet scared whisper and never lingered on that topic for very long.

There is part of me that envies my sister now. I wish I could go back and soak up those fancy free days where the crisis of the week is what color nail polish to wear. I love her very much and in her own way she helps me so much with my struggles. I can't tell her much because mom loves to pump her for info but I can dream with her and imagine a life where infertility hasn't got a solid grip on my heart. We can sit for several hours sometimes looking at cute little baby things and giggling over silly names. We can talk about boys and how weird they are. We talk about the future when we will both drive mini vans and meet at the soccer field while our kids grow up side by side.

She was such a pain in the butt when we were growing up, but now she has become one of my best friends. We have our moments when her dramatic productions grate my nerves but I love her despite all of that. I can't wait to see her find the man of her dreams and settle down. I pray quite often for that poor man. He will have to be a saint with the patience of Job to manage her tantrums! When I'm saying those prayers I usually find myself whispering a quiet prayer that she can remain fancy free and unjaded by the horrors of infertility. I hope she gets her four kids someday, and I'll be happy if I can get just one...