I had an appointment scheduled for Tuesday.
It snowed. I was out of school. Hubby's days off got messed up. One of my checks was delayed. The check was supposed to pay for the appt. We could have gone despite the whole check issue, but I just didn't want to. I still don't really want to go.
I rescheduled for Thursday and I'm not backing out. Hubby will be off and he is going with me. I started to buy a test tonight and Hubby told me not to bother. I hate that the hopeless bug has gotten him too. I'm pretty certain I'm not, but I can't argue with that tiny little "what if." I wanted to test before hand. I don't want to go in and ask for a test and then look like a moron when it's neg. Still, I know he will put me on Provera at the very least and I hate that .000001% chance that I don't need it.
I'm hoping he can help me figure out my migraine issue. I keep telling myself that is the main reason for my trip. I don't want to consider the true reason or the possible weight of the discussion we will have behind closed doors. It makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry.
Today I even caught myself saying, you know, I "mother" hundreds of kids every year. Shouldn't that be enough? Perhaps this is the only motherhood I am destined to know. Maybe I was never supposed to be a mom. I should feel blessed with what opportunities I have.
Ugh! This mess makes me so crazy. I want to take infertility and all the stuff that goes with it and fling it as far off the edge of the world as I can. I want to scream at the universe to "Suck it!" and stomp and kick with the best two year olds.
Instead, I will pack my little bag of goodies to occupy Hubby while we wait for the real women to be seen. I will go to the doctor like an obedient little infertile and sit in plain view so the ladies with the bulging bellies can see what such an odd and piteous creature looks like.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Happy Birthday
I intended to show you this for show and tell, then it snowed. I then, planned on showing it to you Monday on his birthday. I sat down to do the post and something entirely different came out. I decided that it was just meant to be that way and left it. Anyhoo, this is one of the kindergarten doors I did to celebrate "Read Across America" week. It is probably my favorite door so far and I spend way too much time outside smiling at it! Sorry for the glare. The lights wouldn't cooperate with me that day.
The pink things are the "poofs" that Horton has to sift through to find the one his friends reside on. The kids drew a picture of them in the center of their poof and we put a "speck" of pink glitter on each poof. The children insisted on having a speck. That is after all, where the Who's lived.
Just in case you are wondering... I did not freehand that elephant! I used a projector and traced his image from the book. Muuuch easier to do!
Too Cute Tuesday - gardening 101
Me: Tim, which one of these doesn't belong?
Tim: *looks at card for a long time before looking to me for direction.*
Me: Let's read the words... tree, grass, weeds, hen. What is a tree? Grass? Weeds? (he answered these correctly) A hen?
Tim: Well, uh... I don't rightly know.
*Ann raises her hand and starts dancing around*
Me: Ann, could you maybe help Tim a little?
Ann: I know! It's one of those chicken things that lays the eggs!
Me: Good! Now, Tim, can you plant a tree?
Tim: yes
Me: Can you plant grass?
Tim: yes
Me: Can you plant weeds?
Tim: Well, I guess so, but my granny hates em.
Me: Ok. Well what about a hen?
*They all giggled. Ann raised her hand again*
Ann: Well Mrs. Arian, I guess if'n you did plant a hen, you'd just grow an eggplant!
Tim: *looks at card for a long time before looking to me for direction.*
Me: Let's read the words... tree, grass, weeds, hen. What is a tree? Grass? Weeds? (he answered these correctly) A hen?
Tim: Well, uh... I don't rightly know.
*Ann raises her hand and starts dancing around*
Me: Ann, could you maybe help Tim a little?
Ann: I know! It's one of those chicken things that lays the eggs!
Me: Good! Now, Tim, can you plant a tree?
Tim: yes
Me: Can you plant grass?
Tim: yes
Me: Can you plant weeds?
Tim: Well, I guess so, but my granny hates em.
Me: Ok. Well what about a hen?
*They all giggled. Ann raised her hand again*
Ann: Well Mrs. Arian, I guess if'n you did plant a hen, you'd just grow an eggplant!
Monday, March 2, 2009
Lost
I think af has shown up finally.
I have scolded myself more than once this week for cutting people off when they ask if she has shown up and then suggest the unthinkable. It made me realize what this journey has done to me so far. It made me sad to have to acknowledge so much bitterness. I hate that I carry it into every part of my life. My work, my worship, my home, they are all affected by my inability to have a child.
In the past, when af has taken her precious, sweet time (because apparently she has an awful lot of that!) I would hold on to a sliver of hope. I would laugh at my friends' inquiries and then turn my back and pray. I held my breath and dared not whisper my hope.
In the past few months, the hope has vanished. I no longer consider it a possibility. I feel like I am just going through the motions because it is what I'm supposed to do. I don't know how or when we are supposed to cry "uncle" and move on. I just keep moving forward, waiting for the big road block that says we can't anymore.
I used to pray each month that finally my time had come. I don't do that anymore. Now I just pray that I will get a time at some point. I no longer cling to hope. I cling to faith. This is the hardest thing I have ever done.
I thought when I was attacked, that there could be nothing more difficult to survive. I battled anorexia and depression. I fought every single day to feel worthy of the air I breathed. I lost my faith in humankind and in my God. I searched for years to find the scattered pieces. Still, I knew when I was attacked that someday there would be a light at the end of the tunnel. I knew if I just worked hard and pushed on through, the grief and pain would ease into the background of what makes me who I am.
This journey is so different from that one. I have to draw on a completely different strength to carry on. I can't see a light. If I push on through this dark place there is no promise that I will find peace. I trudge blindly and silently through my day to day never knowing if the right time and place will come along to bring me the child I want so desperately. The ache is overwhelming. The failure immeasurable.
The people that surround me - my support system - they can't help me this time. They have no words that encourage or bandage. It isn't their fault. They can't possibly understand. This need that we all have to mother. It is the most primitive and instinctive need a woman can have. Our bodies are all so torn and confused. How could anyone understand how painful that is unless they too have walked in these shoes?
I'm so grateful to have this place and all of you. I think I would have given up a long time ago if it had not been for you. I'm sorry that any of us have to travel this path.
I'm sort of stuck right now. We will go to the doctor Tuesday and listen to what he says. I have considered several times, calling and canceling. I would love to hide in my closet and forget about this stuff, but my heart won't let me. I have no idea what our next game plan is, but I know there aren't many more options before he sends us off to the clinic. For us, that's the big road block. Financially, there is no way we could take that option right now. Emotionally, we have avoided such talk up until now. I'm not sure how far into that world I am willing to go. My body doesn't handle these treatments well and we are still taking baby steps. I can't imagine how it would respond to the big guns.
I guess time will tell right? Time. It's always about time. So many things require it and I haven't any to spare.
I have scolded myself more than once this week for cutting people off when they ask if she has shown up and then suggest the unthinkable. It made me realize what this journey has done to me so far. It made me sad to have to acknowledge so much bitterness. I hate that I carry it into every part of my life. My work, my worship, my home, they are all affected by my inability to have a child.
In the past, when af has taken her precious, sweet time (because apparently she has an awful lot of that!) I would hold on to a sliver of hope. I would laugh at my friends' inquiries and then turn my back and pray. I held my breath and dared not whisper my hope.
In the past few months, the hope has vanished. I no longer consider it a possibility. I feel like I am just going through the motions because it is what I'm supposed to do. I don't know how or when we are supposed to cry "uncle" and move on. I just keep moving forward, waiting for the big road block that says we can't anymore.
I used to pray each month that finally my time had come. I don't do that anymore. Now I just pray that I will get a time at some point. I no longer cling to hope. I cling to faith. This is the hardest thing I have ever done.
I thought when I was attacked, that there could be nothing more difficult to survive. I battled anorexia and depression. I fought every single day to feel worthy of the air I breathed. I lost my faith in humankind and in my God. I searched for years to find the scattered pieces. Still, I knew when I was attacked that someday there would be a light at the end of the tunnel. I knew if I just worked hard and pushed on through, the grief and pain would ease into the background of what makes me who I am.
This journey is so different from that one. I have to draw on a completely different strength to carry on. I can't see a light. If I push on through this dark place there is no promise that I will find peace. I trudge blindly and silently through my day to day never knowing if the right time and place will come along to bring me the child I want so desperately. The ache is overwhelming. The failure immeasurable.
The people that surround me - my support system - they can't help me this time. They have no words that encourage or bandage. It isn't their fault. They can't possibly understand. This need that we all have to mother. It is the most primitive and instinctive need a woman can have. Our bodies are all so torn and confused. How could anyone understand how painful that is unless they too have walked in these shoes?
I'm so grateful to have this place and all of you. I think I would have given up a long time ago if it had not been for you. I'm sorry that any of us have to travel this path.
I'm sort of stuck right now. We will go to the doctor Tuesday and listen to what he says. I have considered several times, calling and canceling. I would love to hide in my closet and forget about this stuff, but my heart won't let me. I have no idea what our next game plan is, but I know there aren't many more options before he sends us off to the clinic. For us, that's the big road block. Financially, there is no way we could take that option right now. Emotionally, we have avoided such talk up until now. I'm not sure how far into that world I am willing to go. My body doesn't handle these treatments well and we are still taking baby steps. I can't imagine how it would respond to the big guns.
I guess time will tell right? Time. It's always about time. So many things require it and I haven't any to spare.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Lions and Lambs and such...***Update!***
We made it! It is March! I am overjoyed and ecstatic! Wait...what?
February just had to go out with a bang! March roared in with some crazy, crazy snow! I haven't seen this much snow since the first month Hubby and I were married. It's beautiful though and I've already had a year's worth of fun in it!
Hubby couldn't get home from work, so Dan saved the day. They came in like crazy teens and pulled me out with them for a little joy ride. I don't normally condone such silliness, but seriously, this snow was just nuts! How could I miss it? I was more than excited about getting to take advantage of my awesomely amazing Christmas present! I totally love my camera!
Here are some fun pics from our romp in the snow.
This was taken before Hubby came home.
This was at an intersection. Dan and Hubby were laughing at me because I kept sticking my head out the window to take pictures!
We saw this guy from the road and decided to pull in at our local Wally World to check it out. The teens that were building him were very happy to let us photograph their new friend!
As of right now (the snow is still coming down!) we have at least 5 if not 6 inches of snow. That's just unheard of here!
**** I had to add these pics up here! We have about 9 inches now which is more than I have seen in my entire life! They say for us to expect snow for another 2 hours, but it has slacked off to flurries I think.
Parker got stuck in the snow and had to kangaroo hop his way back to the porch!
Go see what the rest of the class is showing while we try to dig our way out of this stuff!
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Too Cute Tuesdays
I'm going to try something new. Every Tuesday I am going to post some funny story, saying, picture, etc from my kiddos at school or work. Hopefully it will bring a laugh and brighten a few days.
Too Cute Tuesday - Take 1
I help manage lunch duty for the third and fourth graders. I love having a chance to just hang out and kid around with them. Most teachers hate this time of day. They stand up at the front and chat with the other staff and try to shoo the kids away with frustrated sighs. I usually mingle around and enjoy my time with the kids.
The other day I walked by two of the fourth graders. The boy's mother is a good friend of mine. He was making a terrible face and holding his nose. I asked him what in the world was going on. The girl beside him was hysterical with laughter. Her mom used to work with us too. She told me that he hated carrots just as the little boy popped one in his mouth followed by a horrific face. I laughed and asked him why he was eating them if he hated them so much.
He stopped chewing and looked me straight in the eye and got very serious. "Mrs. Arian it's my eyes. I really need to work on my eyes."
I laughed and encouraged him to keep choking them down. I told him they were indeed good for not only his eyes, but his whole body.
I happen to take my lunch break with his mom and I told her about the antics of the two kids and we laughed at the silliness of it all.
The next morning she came to me and told me the whole story behind the carrot eating incident. He asked for carrots at dinner that night and she asked him what on earth made him want to eat carrots all of a sudden. "Boy" carefully explained to her that carrots are very good for your eyes. They can make your eyes very strong. With his serious face on he continued, "I have to eat as many carrots as I can if I want to get night vision, Mom!"
Too Cute Tuesday - Take 1
I help manage lunch duty for the third and fourth graders. I love having a chance to just hang out and kid around with them. Most teachers hate this time of day. They stand up at the front and chat with the other staff and try to shoo the kids away with frustrated sighs. I usually mingle around and enjoy my time with the kids.
The other day I walked by two of the fourth graders. The boy's mother is a good friend of mine. He was making a terrible face and holding his nose. I asked him what in the world was going on. The girl beside him was hysterical with laughter. Her mom used to work with us too. She told me that he hated carrots just as the little boy popped one in his mouth followed by a horrific face. I laughed and asked him why he was eating them if he hated them so much.
He stopped chewing and looked me straight in the eye and got very serious. "Mrs. Arian it's my eyes. I really need to work on my eyes."
I laughed and encouraged him to keep choking them down. I told him they were indeed good for not only his eyes, but his whole body.
I happen to take my lunch break with his mom and I told her about the antics of the two kids and we laughed at the silliness of it all.
The next morning she came to me and told me the whole story behind the carrot eating incident. He asked for carrots at dinner that night and she asked him what on earth made him want to eat carrots all of a sudden. "Boy" carefully explained to her that carrots are very good for your eyes. They can make your eyes very strong. With his serious face on he continued, "I have to eat as many carrots as I can if I want to get night vision, Mom!"
Monday, February 23, 2009
Something Amiss
Today should have been a great day. An unexpected hug from one of my favorite kiddos brought tears to my eyes. I finished an amazing door display for one of my classes and I love it. I finally finished rewriting thousands of words that I lost in limbo between Hubby's computer and mine on a project I have been working on. The last word I typed meant that I could finally sleep last night without nightmares of waterfalls spilling my words over a cliff. Hubby went in to work early today, so I had the whole house to myself with an added bonus of him coming home earlier and taking care of dinner.
What more could a girl want?
I don't know.
I have been struggling the past couple of weeks to hold my head above the water. I have been sleeping a lot lately. Some afternoons I come in and fall right to sleep, skipping dinner and waking just in time for the very last snooze alarm. My appetite is wonky and my mood is equally bizarre. I'm not angry, grumpy, happy, or anxious. I'm simply frustrated. Everything frustrates me. I spend my day arguing back and forth over silly things in my head.
I knew I was headed for a meltdown. It was inevitable.
Tonight it happened.
I was on the phone with Hubby griping about the state of our cluttered house and how it had me in a tizzy. I fussed about this thing and that for most of our short conversation. He finally managed a word or two and asked me what had happened to make me so disagreeable today. "I'm just really tired," immediately escaped my mouth. He mentioned that I had been sleeping a lot lately and asked for the umpteenth time if af had shown. I told him she was still MIA. He asked me if I thought things were out of sync again and I told him things were undoubtedly out of sync.
He softly mentioned that perhaps we should schedule that doctor's appointment we have been avoiding. I didn't say a word. He started to go over his schedule out loud and then said, "Call tomorrow and schedule it for next Tuesday. I'm off then."
My throat tightened and I could feel panic well up in my chest. I hung up with Hubby and promptly filled my pillow with hot salty tears. The thought of a doctor's appointment and all of the failure and pain that goes along with it makes want to throw up.
I think I found the source of my frustration.
What more could a girl want?
I don't know.
I have been struggling the past couple of weeks to hold my head above the water. I have been sleeping a lot lately. Some afternoons I come in and fall right to sleep, skipping dinner and waking just in time for the very last snooze alarm. My appetite is wonky and my mood is equally bizarre. I'm not angry, grumpy, happy, or anxious. I'm simply frustrated. Everything frustrates me. I spend my day arguing back and forth over silly things in my head.
I knew I was headed for a meltdown. It was inevitable.
Tonight it happened.
I was on the phone with Hubby griping about the state of our cluttered house and how it had me in a tizzy. I fussed about this thing and that for most of our short conversation. He finally managed a word or two and asked me what had happened to make me so disagreeable today. "I'm just really tired," immediately escaped my mouth. He mentioned that I had been sleeping a lot lately and asked for the umpteenth time if af had shown. I told him she was still MIA. He asked me if I thought things were out of sync again and I told him things were undoubtedly out of sync.
He softly mentioned that perhaps we should schedule that doctor's appointment we have been avoiding. I didn't say a word. He started to go over his schedule out loud and then said, "Call tomorrow and schedule it for next Tuesday. I'm off then."
My throat tightened and I could feel panic well up in my chest. I hung up with Hubby and promptly filled my pillow with hot salty tears. The thought of a doctor's appointment and all of the failure and pain that goes along with it makes want to throw up.
I think I found the source of my frustration.
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