AF showed up a couple of weeks ago. In her natural fashion she showed up weeks late (thankfully only two) and now she has decided to hang out and have an extended vacation. I want her to go away. I have cut out all sugar, white flour, taters, corn products, sodas, and anything else that doesn't resemble cardboard in order to convince her to behave. Still, she remains.
Normally, this is no biggie. I just put in a call to my doc, take the necessary dose of provera and move on. This time, I just can't. I don't know how to explain it without sounding ridiculous, I mean medicine is only medicine, but I can't take provera. For one thing, it does horrible hideous things to my body. AF resembles a red version of that huge marshmallow dude in Ghost Busters, and the pain is a whole other issue. Even that I could manage though.
I just can't face the feeling of being back in the swing of things. I can't deal with making my body do something it very obviously can't do. I don't want to sit here drowning in pools of sweat, pleading with the heavens to make it snow in August, wondering the whole time if I might accidentally ovulate after it is all over. It makes my stomach lurch at just the thought.
Hubby has thrown more than a few jests my way, claiming that the first day of class I will take a pregnancy test, only to find it positive. Now I know that this is not going to happen. I fear that it will happen, but the odds are very heavily stacked against it. It feel so strange to be so against something that I have pleaded with God for every day for years, but I don't want to raise my baby in the life that I am living right now. I currently have three jobs and a full time college schedule. I would have no time to enjoy what I want to cherish so much.
All of that aside, my body is not working. The met is doing nothing for me. The only way that I was able to even mildly slow my flowing river was to cut out anything my husband would eat. Now I cook two meals, shop for two, and watch him drown his fries in ketchup, while I scarf down yet another salad or bunless chicken sandwich.***
I started thinking about all this the other day and wondered how wonderful it would be to only have to worry about a small period every few months. I wondered if the new versions of birth control pills could be better than the horrid stuff I took ten years ago. That stuff made me nuts. I can't explain it. I was just insane. It is the one reason I am not on it right now. I didn't want to think about adding a new level of insanity to my already heightened level of crazy, amidst a wacko schedule this year. Still, I find myself leaning towards that more and more.
How decadent it would feel to plan for a period only four or five times a year without having to carry a bucket around and a covered wagon full of pads. I would feel like a normal woman for once and Hubby could no longer taunt me with threats of miraculous conception.
What do ya think? Anyone have any experience to add to the mix?
I'm sorry I've been gone so much lately. This three job thing has gotten a little out of hand lately. I think I have solved that problem. Hopefully, things will be a little more manageable from now on.
***Don't get me wrong. I know there are plenty of things to cook and eat that are truly wonderful and fit within the healthy PCOS guidelines, however with only five hours a day to eat sleep and bathe, it hasn't been possible to cook two meals and take the time (or money) to shop for "safe" foods.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Got the Dough!
I am so excited. I have been a little quiet lately because stress is really dragging me down. I have three jobs and I am about to take on being a full time student. Then there are all of those wifely duties too. It's a little overwhelming.
Money is one major thing that is weighing me down right now. I know most of us are stressed a bit about money, but right now I am the sole income for Hubby and me, and I worry that I won't be able to keep up once all of this school stuff falls into place. I wasn't even sure that I would be able to go back to school until today.
I started the whole paper process back in February, just as soon as we got our taxes back. I've been calling and faxing several times a week ever since. School starts in just a couple of weeks and I was getting really worried that I wouldn't get the money I needed to be able to go. I haven't been able to sleep, and simple purchases freak me out because money is on my brain.
Today, after months of waiting, I finally got a confirmation that I did indeed receive enough money to pay for my tuition and my books! Yay! I instantly felt like I lost about twenty pounds off my shoulders, and I immediately called to set up a time to register for my classes.
Every single person I have talked to for several weeks has griped that I didn't have my student id yet or an idea about what classes I would take. This is where a little of my IF struggle came into the mix. I snapped at one lady a couple of days ago, after she berated me for the millionth time about my student id. I told her there was no way that I was going to sign up and get all hopeful that I could actually attend this semester, until she showed me my tuition money.
For once, that method actually worked out to my benefit!
Does anyone else do that? Do you put other aspects of your life on hold, unable to hope that it will turn out positively, because of your experiences with IF?
Money is one major thing that is weighing me down right now. I know most of us are stressed a bit about money, but right now I am the sole income for Hubby and me, and I worry that I won't be able to keep up once all of this school stuff falls into place. I wasn't even sure that I would be able to go back to school until today.
I started the whole paper process back in February, just as soon as we got our taxes back. I've been calling and faxing several times a week ever since. School starts in just a couple of weeks and I was getting really worried that I wouldn't get the money I needed to be able to go. I haven't been able to sleep, and simple purchases freak me out because money is on my brain.
Today, after months of waiting, I finally got a confirmation that I did indeed receive enough money to pay for my tuition and my books! Yay! I instantly felt like I lost about twenty pounds off my shoulders, and I immediately called to set up a time to register for my classes.
Every single person I have talked to for several weeks has griped that I didn't have my student id yet or an idea about what classes I would take. This is where a little of my IF struggle came into the mix. I snapped at one lady a couple of days ago, after she berated me for the millionth time about my student id. I told her there was no way that I was going to sign up and get all hopeful that I could actually attend this semester, until she showed me my tuition money.
For once, that method actually worked out to my benefit!
Does anyone else do that? Do you put other aspects of your life on hold, unable to hope that it will turn out positively, because of your experiences with IF?
Monday, July 27, 2009
Surprise
The great secret has been revealed over at Mel's L&F for Monday. I can't tell you much more, I just hope you will head on over and find it. I'm sorry for being so obscure, but you will understand once you get there. If you aren't sure what you are looking for, here is a clue: anon.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Sugar
My mom went to the doctor several days ago and her sugar level was high. I think her fasting level was somewhere around 320. The doc didn't put her on any medication or anything just yet. He wanted her to cut out a few things first and see if it didn't set her straight before he slapped her with a diagnosis.
I went with her to the doctor that morning. She was nervous about her blood work. She hates doctors, so she came up with the excuse that we were going to go and work on her classroom so that I would go with her. I put on a big smiley face and bought her a diet soda. I told her that going without sugar wasn't that hard at all once you got used to it. There are whole wheat pastas and breads that help, and most of that other stuff is bad for you anyway.
However, when I got home that night I climbed into bed and just laid there with my eyes closed thinking about it. I've thought about it nearly every day since. I heard her last night talking to the preacher at church about how she misses potatoes and how hard all of it is. I wanted to scream at her and I wasn't sure why. I thought about it last night and came to two conclusions...
One, I need her to be ok. I need for her sugar level to get better almost as much as she does. It terrifies me to see myself in her and know that this may be the road I am forced to go down. My sugar has always been very low, but with PCOS that could change at any moment. My mother had PCOS too, although she never got an official diagnosis, because the only times she went to the lady doctor was for pregnancy check ups and when she was almost dead from blood loss. I hope I have taken steps early to help avoid the whole diabetes thing later on in life, but it is still really scary.
Two, she hates her new diet and is quick to tell you that. This is where I know I am being hard on her, but I can't help how I feel about it. I get a bit annoyed with her thinking it is the end of the world. I've been cutting sugar for three years now. In the beginning I guess I did say stuff once in a while about it. I talked a lot about the new foods that I had found to eat as replacements for my old favorites. She makes it seem like it is horrible to cut back on her sugar and buy diet sodas. It is just a way of life for me, and unfortunately, in a house with a sugar addicted husband, it is a very difficult battle to fight. I tend to fail miserably, but I know I am pretty hard on myself with it, despite two doctors telling me to lighten up a bit on my sugar free ways.
My grandmother's best friend lived right beside her for many years. Her husband had diabetes among other things, and I watched him struggle with it my entire childhood. His health deteriorated dramatically when I was a teenager, and it scared me. As soon as I found out what PCOS was, I remember instantly picturing that man, sitting in his chair with those special socks on, scowling while he ate his breakfast. I didn't want to be like that, and I strove for sugar free perfection in the beginning because of him.
Right now it is summer and like everyone else, we are having a hard time financially, so a lot of the healthier options have taken a back seat to cheaper meals that fill us up more quickly. Hubby quit smoking a couple of months ago and has replaced his habit with a very sweet tooth, which I tend to give in to. I know once my routine is back in order when school starts, I will get back on track, but it doesn't ease my fears at all.
Do you find yourself struggling to eat healthier and what are some ways that you combat money woes to buy the more expensive sugar free options?
I went with her to the doctor that morning. She was nervous about her blood work. She hates doctors, so she came up with the excuse that we were going to go and work on her classroom so that I would go with her. I put on a big smiley face and bought her a diet soda. I told her that going without sugar wasn't that hard at all once you got used to it. There are whole wheat pastas and breads that help, and most of that other stuff is bad for you anyway.
However, when I got home that night I climbed into bed and just laid there with my eyes closed thinking about it. I've thought about it nearly every day since. I heard her last night talking to the preacher at church about how she misses potatoes and how hard all of it is. I wanted to scream at her and I wasn't sure why. I thought about it last night and came to two conclusions...
One, I need her to be ok. I need for her sugar level to get better almost as much as she does. It terrifies me to see myself in her and know that this may be the road I am forced to go down. My sugar has always been very low, but with PCOS that could change at any moment. My mother had PCOS too, although she never got an official diagnosis, because the only times she went to the lady doctor was for pregnancy check ups and when she was almost dead from blood loss. I hope I have taken steps early to help avoid the whole diabetes thing later on in life, but it is still really scary.
Two, she hates her new diet and is quick to tell you that. This is where I know I am being hard on her, but I can't help how I feel about it. I get a bit annoyed with her thinking it is the end of the world. I've been cutting sugar for three years now. In the beginning I guess I did say stuff once in a while about it. I talked a lot about the new foods that I had found to eat as replacements for my old favorites. She makes it seem like it is horrible to cut back on her sugar and buy diet sodas. It is just a way of life for me, and unfortunately, in a house with a sugar addicted husband, it is a very difficult battle to fight. I tend to fail miserably, but I know I am pretty hard on myself with it, despite two doctors telling me to lighten up a bit on my sugar free ways.
My grandmother's best friend lived right beside her for many years. Her husband had diabetes among other things, and I watched him struggle with it my entire childhood. His health deteriorated dramatically when I was a teenager, and it scared me. As soon as I found out what PCOS was, I remember instantly picturing that man, sitting in his chair with those special socks on, scowling while he ate his breakfast. I didn't want to be like that, and I strove for sugar free perfection in the beginning because of him.
Right now it is summer and like everyone else, we are having a hard time financially, so a lot of the healthier options have taken a back seat to cheaper meals that fill us up more quickly. Hubby quit smoking a couple of months ago and has replaced his habit with a very sweet tooth, which I tend to give in to. I know once my routine is back in order when school starts, I will get back on track, but it doesn't ease my fears at all.
Do you find yourself struggling to eat healthier and what are some ways that you combat money woes to buy the more expensive sugar free options?
Friday, July 17, 2009
I should probably mention my new job...
Yes, I already have a job, two actually, but one of those jobs requires a piddly three hours a week, and I am still in the midst of a vacation from the other one. When school starts back, I am going to go back as a student this year also, but I am up for the challenge! Why?
This job lets me write!
I can finally check writer off my list of things to do. Granted, I'm not pumping out best sellers or anything like that, but I am offered a fee for my writing abilities, and I love it! In typical writing style, I will never make a fortune at this job, but I am also trying to pace my hours a bit to reflect what I will be able to do when school starts. Right now I put in about four hours a night, which isn't bad. The best part is that I can sit at home in my cushy comfy chair and write in my pjs, taking breaks whenever I need to.
I was afraid that the relaxed pace would cause me to work less, but on the contrary, I find it very easy to write throughout the day, when I get a little free time. I have a goal set each day for the amount of work I will get done, and I work towards it all day, finally pounding out the last few sentences before going to bed.
Oh yeah, and ummm.... in the very near future, expect a great surprise! Well, I hope it is a great surprise anyhow...
Ummm, I should probably save you a bit of suspense and let you know that it will not be wrapped in Pampers and require milk. Nu-uh, no-way. I can't imagine throwing a baby into the mix right now with three jobs, and a collegiate future ahead of me! I am nuts, but I have to draw the line somewhere.
This job lets me write!
I can finally check writer off my list of things to do. Granted, I'm not pumping out best sellers or anything like that, but I am offered a fee for my writing abilities, and I love it! In typical writing style, I will never make a fortune at this job, but I am also trying to pace my hours a bit to reflect what I will be able to do when school starts. Right now I put in about four hours a night, which isn't bad. The best part is that I can sit at home in my cushy comfy chair and write in my pjs, taking breaks whenever I need to.
I was afraid that the relaxed pace would cause me to work less, but on the contrary, I find it very easy to write throughout the day, when I get a little free time. I have a goal set each day for the amount of work I will get done, and I work towards it all day, finally pounding out the last few sentences before going to bed.
Oh yeah, and ummm.... in the very near future, expect a great surprise! Well, I hope it is a great surprise anyhow...
Ummm, I should probably save you a bit of suspense and let you know that it will not be wrapped in Pampers and require milk. Nu-uh, no-way. I can't imagine throwing a baby into the mix right now with three jobs, and a collegiate future ahead of me! I am nuts, but I have to draw the line somewhere.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Nightmare
I dreamed last night that my sister was pregnant. It was horrible. She told me to take a ride around town with her, so I agreed, and before we pulled out of the parking lot she had angrily informed me that "Ugh, she was pregnant."
The dream was one of those vivd surreal kind of dreams that you get wrapped up in and wake needing several moments to separate reality from dream. I still had that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, and for a while thought that I was dreaming about waking from a nightmare to escape the icky reality that my sister was going to have a baby.
I've always had this deep dark fear that she would have a baby first. I'm not sure why. It feels like it's my birthright to get to have the first baby, and I loathe the thought that she could take that from me. My fears used to be distant and far into the future, until this happened. Go ahead, read it. I'll wait.
Well, if you skipped the link, I'll give you the short version. Several months ago, my sister had a very uneducated scare and turned to me for advice and help. I tried to be the good big sister, but I was angry and for whatever reason, I felt threatened. I think she learned her lesson, but I still hear a tiny voice in the back of my head sometimes that unkindly points out that I may not be the first.
In this dream, my sister was appalled at the inconvenience of a pregnancy, and wanted to take it to the "baby store" (this was a really horrid dream), but my dad wouldn't let her. I dreamed that Hubby and I went out to eat the next day and I burst into tears causing us to leave. We knew the father of the baby and he was unconcerned with the situation, which made it worse. The worst part of the whole dream though was this desperate desire to scream out to all of them that we were the ones that deserved that baby, and that it should belong to us.
I woke up disoriented and then grumpy. I'm not allowed to have normal nightmares of swamp monsters or big scary bugs. Nope. Not only do I face the pain and torment of infertility, but I have to dream about it too! Even when we have to put ttc on the back burner for a while, it still eats away at my heart every single day.
The dream was one of those vivd surreal kind of dreams that you get wrapped up in and wake needing several moments to separate reality from dream. I still had that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, and for a while thought that I was dreaming about waking from a nightmare to escape the icky reality that my sister was going to have a baby.
I've always had this deep dark fear that she would have a baby first. I'm not sure why. It feels like it's my birthright to get to have the first baby, and I loathe the thought that she could take that from me. My fears used to be distant and far into the future, until this happened. Go ahead, read it. I'll wait.
Well, if you skipped the link, I'll give you the short version. Several months ago, my sister had a very uneducated scare and turned to me for advice and help. I tried to be the good big sister, but I was angry and for whatever reason, I felt threatened. I think she learned her lesson, but I still hear a tiny voice in the back of my head sometimes that unkindly points out that I may not be the first.
In this dream, my sister was appalled at the inconvenience of a pregnancy, and wanted to take it to the "baby store" (this was a really horrid dream), but my dad wouldn't let her. I dreamed that Hubby and I went out to eat the next day and I burst into tears causing us to leave. We knew the father of the baby and he was unconcerned with the situation, which made it worse. The worst part of the whole dream though was this desperate desire to scream out to all of them that we were the ones that deserved that baby, and that it should belong to us.
I woke up disoriented and then grumpy. I'm not allowed to have normal nightmares of swamp monsters or big scary bugs. Nope. Not only do I face the pain and torment of infertility, but I have to dream about it too! Even when we have to put ttc on the back burner for a while, it still eats away at my heart every single day.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
I've been up to something...
And it's a secret!
For now anyway.
Actually, I have been up to a lot of somethings lately, but the most important one for you all is in the works. I need some help though. I need a masthead. I made the header I currently have up, but this one needs to be different. I should be able to track down someone and pay them to make one for me, but Hubby and I are in a bit of a financial pickle right now and there's no way I could do that. If anyone has any ideas, please, please let me know.
Ok, service announcement over, here's the other somethings....
I've become quite the avid gardener lately. My dad made me a box to plant a tomato plant or two in, but I ended up with 9 pepper plants and two tomato plants. I was worried about the amount of sunlight we got up on the balcony and the size of my box, but so far things are growing beautifully. I have a pepper plant called a rainbow pepper. It will grow bell peppers of all colors at the same time! I can't wait for them to start coming in! Also, the tiny green sprouts you see are flowers. I had some seeds left over from a church project and I decided to sprinkle them in the bare spots to see what happened.
The majority of my days have been spent pouring over a blank screen for hours on end. I finally worked past my block and with the new found freedom in my mobile computer friend, my creative juices are flowing again (thank goodness!). I love having the time during the summer to write for hours on end!
When I am not outside admiring my green beauties or whittling my fingers down to nubs on the keyboard, I am on the phone arguing with various personnel about financial aid and course requirements. The school I am attending is smaller than the one I went to in SC and their nonchalance over my academic future is more than a little infuriating. I called this afternoon for the third time about a page they say I am missing and the lady on the other end of the line told me that it was probably just nothing that it takes a few days for them to get it all together. Well that would be perfectly fine if someone hadn't put a note into my file online telling me that a paper was missing. Grr. I guess I will try again tomorrow.
So anyhoo, How's your summer? I want to hear all the juicy stories! Spill it!
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