Blah...

I hate this day and just the thought of posting made me queasy but I feel the need to so I must.

First of all... Happy Mother's Day to all.

I really expected to wake up this morning with feelings of bitterness and pain. I wanted to be angry as I walked into a nursery full of babies at church this morning (have I mentioned my part time job? Am I a glutton for punishment or what???). I didn't find those feelings though. I went on with the day like any normal Sunday. I spent a lot of time with my mom today and planned a surprise dinner for her tonight. I did recognize the day and why it should be painful but then I moved on and life was just life.

Hubby grilled chicken and we cooked some yummy goodness for my mom. Before we left mom's to head home where hubby was starting to cook, hubby called to tell me he had a gift for my mom and me. When she walked in he handed her a dozen roses. I thought it was very sweet and I wanted to just smother him in kisses for it. He and my mom have had a lot of outs and this was a really cool thing for him to do in her eyes.

After he did that though, he walked out with another dozen roses for me. I felt silly holding them in front of my mom. I try to keep our infertility woes quiet and my mom has proved to be much less than understanding about our wanting to have a baby. I stammered a bit and remarked that they were beautiful but that I wasn't a mom and he didn't have to do such a sweet thing. Without missing a beat, he said "But you were a mom five years ago and she just couldn't stay with us." I wanted to melt into the floor. My mom's eyebrows rose and a smile crossed her face. I think there was a glint of a tear there too.

I never talk about it because I can't be sure. In our first year of marriage, my husband went into the military and I moved in with my grandmother for a while so I wouldn't be alone. He had a medical condition with his eye that had been overlooked and he was sent home six weeks later. During those six weeks, my best friend died in a car accident and I missed my husband terribly as I adjusted to living with my grandmother who unbeknownst to us was beginning to show signs of demetia. I never noticed until he got home that I had not had a period in a long time(before he even left). We eagerly went out to buy every test we could (oh how naive we were...) and we came home to pee. I had several positive tests and I was over the moon excited!

The waiting time to see the doctor was a long one (7 weeks) and instead of seeing a happy heartbeat we were told that we were not pregnant. They did bloodwork and decided that it was a missed pregnancy and that was that. I was devastated but because I never had a positive from a doctor's office I was never sure what truly happened. Hubby and I never bring it up now. It is a very painful memory and I would rather pretend it never happened than to wallow in all the questions.

Today, he remembered and it made me feel loved. He told me that I deserve to be a mom and that if anything, I should celebrate what is to come for us.

I think I'm going to remember to celebrate how much my husband loves me too....