12 weeks!

Sea monkey is 12 weeks today! My doctor insisted with both Espe and this one that nine weeks was our "safe marker", but I have always heard that it was 12 weeks we should look to. I realize that anything can happen at any time, and this most certainly doesn't eliminate all of my fears, but I have to admit, it does help me feel better that sea monkey has finally crossed this milestone.

I think it also helps that I am starting to really get a little belly going on down there. I spend more and more time with my hand on my belly and a smile on my face. I have frequent moments every single day where the love I have for this tiny person becomes overwhelming and a few tears usually follow.

Fear is still a struggle for me. I worry about every day things like car accidents or falls. I get nervous sometimes going down our steps even though I'm certainly not big enough to have any balance issues yet. I get nervous about sleeping wrong, moving wrong, breathing wrong.... sometimes my anxiety can be a bit irrational.

Then, I have some fears that really get me at my core. I still watch the toilet paper very closely. I'm just now starting to relax a little with the increased "dampness" down there. This week my nausea has really appeared to subside for the most part. I know that is normal, but it still makes me anxious. I also get really scared sometimes that the baby is not okay and I just don't know it. This is probably the most profound fear and it is the one that affects me most often. I'm so scared of my doctor's appointment. I feel like it is years away (July 8th) and I worry that he won't find the heartbeat, or something will be wrong. I am planning to buy a Doppler this weekend, just to help me with that. I know I won't need it so much once I can feel the baby move, but I really think the peace of mind hubs and I will get from this far outweighs any practicality.

I keep trying to convince myself that my growing belly, the bathroom breaks every two hours at night, the constant hunger, and just as constant gas, are all signs that this baby is just fine. Everything seems to be happening just like the books say which suggests it's going to be okay. It's just so hard to believe after everything we have been through that this will turn out the way it should.

I hope this little person already knows how incredibly loved, adored, and wanted she (or he) is. I'm going to work really hard this week to relax and truly enjoy being pregnant. I might even start saying that word out loud more often.