Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Inquiring Minds

Every year it happens. I am usually more prepared and handle the situation better than I did today. Usually, the questions don't probe as deeply as they did today. Normally, I can manage to smile and walk away with only a medium size butcher knife in my heart. Today, none of that happened.

I work in an elementary school. Most of the kids in my school are poor and come from broken homes. I'm always shocked at how long it takes for them to put it together that Mr. Hubby and Mrs. Arian really are married. Unfortunately, once that happens, the questions begin to surface and I try to tuck tail and run.

Today two of my favorite students were in lunch. Out of the blue one of them said to the other "Don't you think Mrs. Arian should be pregnant?" The other girl nodded and they looked up at me as if they had just stumbled on the greatest idea ever.

Mrs. Arian, do you have a son or daughter?
No sweetie, I don't.
But you should. Everyone has a son or daughter. Why don't you?
I'm not sure.
Well, you would be a great mom. You should talk to Mr. Hubby.
Oh yeah?
Yeah. How long have you and Mr. Hubby been married?
7 years.
Wow! That's a long time. Don't you want a son or daughter Mrs. Arian?
Yes, I want one very much, but it just isn't the right time.
Well, we think you should have a baby.
I'll see what I can do.

These conversations absolutely break my heart. I love my kids and I love their innocence. I wish it was that easy.

Sunday, May 2, 2010


I knew I should have invested in those extra swimming lessons last summer! It is seriously nuts where we live right now! Thank the Lord I am home finally, and only my socks and shoes are dripping wet.

My dad and I had planned on rehearsing some music for Mother's Day (I got conned into playing for the service and I usually skip church on that day altogether!). I left around 4 o'clock to meet him at the church before evening services.

When I pulled into the church parking lot I was shaking all over and crying. I ran into four spots on the main highway in our town that were covered over with water; one of those spots had about 8 inches of water. There are no streams or rivers anywhere near this road, there just wasn't anywhere for the water to run off. I haven't gotten that scared in a long time!

After church my parents followed me home and we took a different route. My sister called us before we left. The town she worked in was under a forced 6pm curfew and the police came in and shut them down. They put the curfew in place to keep people in their homes and off the roads.

People keep saying "It just happened so fast." I always wondered about that, I mean shouldn't you be able to see water building up? I sing a different tune now. Before I left for church, it had only been raining about a half hour. Within half an hour, roads that had never ever flooded and were no where near a water source were under water. It really did happen before anyone had a chance to react.

Please pray for everyone in Tennessee and the surrounding areas that are affected by all this water. Thank goodness Hubby and I live in one of the highest areas of our town, and our town hasn't been devastated. Many towns were not so fortunate. One woman that was rescued today escaped with nothing but the sweatpants and t shirt she had on. She didn't even have any shoes. Another woman and her two very small children were stranded in an attic. Her mother pleaded with news reporters who broadcast her cries to save her daughter and grandchildren. They could hear them screaming for help, but could not get to them. Thankfully emergency responders managed to get through and rescue them in time.

Schools here are closed tomorrow and hopefully waters will recede throughout the week. Until then, I'm wearing my floaties to bed!

Saturday, May 1, 2010

The One That Got Away

In the first year Hubby and I were married, we were certain we would get pregnant right away. We were young and very naive about the ways of the world and about raising a child. We got married in January and Hubby enlisted in March. He thought it would be the best thing to do for his family, so he packed me up, sent me to my grandmother's house and flew off to basic.

He never made it past the first week. The recruiters had tried to slip him under the radar I guess and never told anyone about his left eye. Hubby has near blindness in that eye and a degenerative genetic disease. Once he got to basic, they took one look at his eye and sent him home.

It took 22 days for him to be processed out of the army and back at home. During that time, one of my best friends died, my grandmother, unknown to any of us, began the first stages of dementia, and my hormones started doing somersaults. When he got back, there was so much going on that neither of us thought anything about children for a couple of months.

One day he brought it up out of the blue, "Umm when was your last period?"

Half an hour later, we were sitting in my grandmother's bathroom with a test. It was positive. We were so sure I was pregnant. We were over the moon.

It took a couple of weeks to get in to see a doctor, by that point I had already started and stopped bleeding. I went anyway. They did bloodwork and it came back negative. They did an exam and the doctor said "Well whatever was there, if it was there is gone now. Want some birth control pills?" I politely refused, dressed, and ran out of there. I was uneducated in what to expect, what had happened to me, and how to respond to a terrible doctor that saw me as uninsured and unimportant."

We don't talk about that time in our lives now. One of my best friends found out she was pregnant a few months before all of it happened and I don't even talk to her now. Her baby has already started school and they have another on the way. I avoid looking at pictures of her little boy. I just can't bear to see him.

Knowing now what my body has gone through, I'm not sure we were truly pregnant, but it sure felt like it. The loss was there and it hurt so much. Still, I don't tell people about it. I don't talk about it and I don't join into loss discussions. I don't feel like I belong.

I do think about it often though. I think about that baby and what it would have looked like. I imagine what life would be like if we had a child about to graduate kindergarten and I wonder how different our lives would be.

My friend is at 22 weeks now and the doc has put her on bedrest. I see her online every day and I try hard every single time to work up the courage to say hi. I just can't. I put up a wall around that part of my life and I'm not strong enough to break it down. I know if I talked to her it would open up a floodgate for the past to come pouring in. I feel guilty, but I can't move past the fear.

I feel more anger than anything. I wish I had never taken that test. I wish I had never dared to hope that the things I was feeling were real. How can I grieve for a child when I don't truly know if they were there in the first place? How can I not grieve when there is a chance?