Sunday, April 25, 2010

Final Papers

Finally! I wrote the last of my papers for school last night. I still have three finals and a final project, but those will be fine now that I have all these papers out of the way.

I learned a very valuable lesson this semester!

Do not take three writing intensive classes in one semester! The stupid topics chosen by college professors and the oppressive requirements do not help you further your writing and it makes life miserable! 6 papers in 7 days two weeks in a row is too much for any human being (especially one that works full time and runs a household)!

Two more weeks of classes and three weeks of teaching and I can take a few weeks off.

Now if I could only get someone to field all my requests and give everyone a very quick no before I have a chance to cram my summer full of projects, I might actually get a breather!

Sunday, April 18, 2010


I've been such a bad poster, but I'm having serious issues right now. I really need some help I think trying to deal with all of this. I've been hiding out since last March and I just can't do it anymore.

Last March was our last real attempt at having a baby. I was at my wit's end and a month after that last try I ended up with the shingles. The doc explained that it was my body's way of telling me to chill out. We decided to step away from ttc for the summer and take it easy. Then September came and I had surgery. It all went downhill from there.

I backed myself further and further into a dark corner and tried to pretend nothing was wrong. I worked hard to convince people that I was taking care of myself for a while and putting ttc on the back burner was my choice. I smiled and spent a couple of months convincing everyone around me that I was okay and I was happy about what was happening to me. I quit posting here because the cursor demanded the truth and I couldn't even look at the truth in print without this huge fear that I would fall apart.

More than a year later and fifty pounds lighter, I realized things are no different. I didn't save myself from any pain at all. I didn't even tell Hubby last month when I skipped out on my refill and missed a cycle of provera. I snuck a pregnancy test into the bathroom when I was a week late and angrily refused to cry when no line appeared. Three days later the test proved true and I found myself wanting to curl up in a ball and give up. I'm sitting here typing to you now with fresh shingles scars and a very real threat of a new flair up. Doc told me it was the stress from school. I know some of it is from the residual winter anxiety that never went away after my grandfather died.

I tried hard to be stoic and brave in the beginning, when that didn't work I thought I would hide and defiantly deny any desire to expand our two to three. Truth is I am a huge ball of mess. I hate this. I'm not sure how many more days I can walk into this house and be greeted by silence. I heard a speaker at a Women of Joy Conference I went to two weeks ago. She said "I don't want this to be my story". I burst into tears at that comment. Her story had nothing to do with mine, but it was so true. It is what I have felt all along. This shouldn't be my story. This wasn't my plan. Give this story to someone who doesn't want kids.

I dream all the time that I am standing in an open field shouting at the heavens with my fists raised in anger demanding that someone send us our child. Just an fyi, that doesn't work either.

I met up with a very dear and special person last night. He and his wife saw me through some of the darkest times of my life. They chose early on not to have any children at all. He made a comment last night that it was the best decision they ever made. I never said a word. I just sat back and thought "Could Hubby and I ever be happy with that life? What if we spend all of this time hoping and praying only to find that we have wasted our lives chasing a broken rainbow?" The thought was too much to bear and I ordered another round.

Sometimes I wish I had never wanted a child. I think if I can just convince myself that I would be happy without one that I could just move on and forget all of this pain. I feel guilty because God has blessed me with a chance to love so many children that needed me in one way or another when their parents couldn't. Why can't that be enough?

I know thanks to all of you wonderful ladies in the trenches with me and those of you who have been there before that I am not alone. These feelings are okay. Still, how do you go on with life when you have this painful poison stirring inside of you? Is there a way to make it all okay again?