Friday, July 26, 2013

Embarrassing Confessions

This week, for whatever reason I have felt miserable. I haven't really gotten out of bed very much all week except to cook something for hubs to take to work and clean up the kitchen. Between the nausea, the bathroom trips, the constant naps, and the teenager skin, I feel like I'm right back in the first trimester all over again.

I haven't really fought against it too much. If the first trimester taught me anything, it was that fighting against that mind-numbing fatigue would only bring on more fatigue and frustration, so I napped.... and napped..... and peed.... and napped. I put on some of my mid weight loss clothes, basically big comfy pj bottoms and oversized t-shirts, and proceeded to grow roots on the couch.

Last night around two in the morning a very sudden and urgent need for pizza came over me. I was ravenous and it could only be pizza. I went to plead my case with hubs and he just laughed at me. He found the whole thing hilarious. He finally told me that if I wanted pizza so badly, he would call in a pizza at this 24/7 convenience store we have in town that happens to make pizzas. I just had to go pick it up. He called. They were out of pizza crusts. I was devastated! Again he laughed at me.

He told me if I wanted pizza that badly, I should just go pick up some pizzas at the grocery store and cook them at home. I was desperate and he was offering me money, so I agreed.

I refuse to go to the store in my pjs, ever, so for the first time since church on Sunday, I donned some real clothes. I got ready quickly and went to the office to get the keys from hubs. He turned around, in his chair, just above eye level with my belly. His eyes got really wide, he put a hand on my belly, and said "Where did that come from!?!?"

I looked down and just giggled. Apparently, sea monkey has been going through a growth spurt all week. Perhaps that is why I have felt so tired? My belly has grown! I already had a bump, but this was just funny!  I'm going to have to start wearing real clothes more often.

Monday, July 22, 2013


The past few weeks have been so challenging. I started branching out a bit once my sickness and fatigue eased up, but lately I know I've been pushing pretty hard. Mom and I have been frequenting the Amish auction to buy up as much produce as we can for canning and freezing. The auction is outside in the heat and usually takes several hours. After the auction, we have the task of preparing and canning all of the food as well. Right now I'm in the midst of a crazy, overwhelming pickle-fest.

My grandmother has been really pushing my patience and causing me a lot of stress as well. She's fighting us all really hard right now and unfortunately, her mental capacities are slipping from what we think is a lack of oxygen, even though she refuses to wear her oxygen in the stifling humid 100 weather we've been having.

Money is a huge, huge stressor right now. Hubs has worried incessantly about the baby and our very tight finances. There are so many uncertainties that will only be answered when sea monkey is finally here. It's wearing us both down right now though. He's not sleeping well, and he comes home most often frustrated and grumpy. Usually that's not an issue, but lately, I cry at the drop of a hat and his biggest freak out is when I cry, so our lives at home are very emotionally charged.

There are so many changes happening in our family. My sister moved out of my parents' home to a large city several hours away for the first time in her life. I have chosen to leave the church my family attends, and that I have worked at for several years, in order to attend church as a family with hubs. The upheaval with all of the canning and such has left my house in a shamble, and most of the heavy duty things like the fish tanks and the pet care (mainly the cat), all things I usually do on my own, are out of my hands now. I have to rely on other people to get things done which really stresses me out.

Today, I got up with the intention of making pickles, a huge pot of chicken and dumplings from scratch, a major house clean up, and a bit of work on my flower beds. I realized before ever even getting out of bed, that this just wasn't possible today. I stayed in bed till nearly noon, reading on and off between cat naps and bathroom breaks. When I did finally get up, I had let my hunger go unchecked. I started to fix hubs' supper for him to take to work and within minutes felt very ill. This heart pounding nausea that makes it almost hard to breathe, overtook me and I had to sit. It took almost two hours to make a meal.

I finally managed to get something on my stomach substantial enough to ease the nausea and hubs went to work. I thought finally I could work on pickles. I really wanted to get them done, but I fell asleep sitting straight up only minutes later. My head ached and I felt sort of "off". I went back to bed and stayed there until around 9 pm. Once again, hunger drove me to the kitchen, and that severe nausea, drove me back to the couch. I incinerated the bacon I was cooking because I was too sick to stand up and go take it out of the oven. Needless to say, nothing got done today.

My frustration is so high. There is so much to do. My house seems to be falling apart around me and I can't seem to catch up. I have no idea how I'm going to manage to go back to work in a couple of weeks. I think this is simply a case of pushing too hard. I hope it is anyway. Right now, I really want a long shower, but I am too tired to get up and do that. I've got to start paying more attention to the limitations my body has right now. The bigger my belly grows, the harder shopping trips and all day excursions seem to get and I'm not even halfway there yet!

There was one highlight to my unproductive day. I spent a long time in bed this afternoon feeling sea monkey wriggle around. At one point she curled up on one side of my belly and it felt sort of odd, so I prodded my belly a bit. I was rewarded with the funniest little poke back and shortly thereafter, she found a new spot to curl up. I love that I can feel her now. Sometimes I wish I could just stay in bed all day and hang out with her.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

15 weeks and I'm a wreck!

Today marks 15 weeks! Things are pretty good right now. I did feel the teeniest little kick yesterday morning. It was the most surreal feeling. The first time I wasn't sure if I was really feeling it or not, but the second one was aimed right at my bladder and there was absolutely no doubt. It was so tiny, but it made me jump. Other than that, it's mostly just wiggles, but the timing is pretty predictable now, so I know when to pay attention to them. I spend about an hour each morning lingering in the bed and giggling from time to time. It has become the highlight of my day.

I have also started to notice my balance getting a bit awkward. I haven't had any falls or real scares, but there have been several instances of my feet going one way and my body trying to go another. I also get lightheaded or sort of disoriented type feelings that make me feel like I'm going to lose my balance and fall. I can tell my center of gravity is changing and my belly tends to lead the way now. I also feel a lot of stretching and some sharp pains that I assume are round ligament pains if I move too fast or cough suddenly.

The most marked thing of late has to be my emotional state though. I've been pretty weepy from the start, but lately, I can melt into a puddle of tears over the smallest things. Television is a challenge for me. I have been sticking to realistic shows like police type shows where I can be happy they got the bad guys or I can laugh at the idiocy of some of the drunk people. Yesterday one of my shows took an unexpected turn though. An officer rushed to meet an old hunter he had known for years to help him save his dog. The dog was bitten by a rattlesnake and the officer ran with full lights and sirens with the owner behind him to get the dog to the vet in time. By the commercial break I was a sobbing mess.

It isn't just television either. There are some days that I guess I push too hard and I might get tired, hungry, overwhelmed, or all of the above and the waterworks flood. My grandmother has been giving us some troubles lately too and she seems to be lashing out at me a lot lately. I'm usually pretty patient with her, or I can at least let her silliness roll off my shoulders, but today she pulled a stunt that sent me over the edge. I tried to call my mom to update her on the new mess we were in, and before I could get the number dialed I put my face in my hands and wept.

Hubs goes out of his way to avoid arguments with me now too. It doesn't take much to set me off crying. Even if I'm mad, I just cry. Puppies, children, babies, weddings (I don't even like weddings), injuries (even the funny ones), stress, kind words, a perfectly timed hug or smile - doesn't really matter - I'm gonna cry.

Tonight my belly feels like it is in one of those taffy machines, being pulled from the inside out, and I'm really tired. I hope everyone has a lovely week. I'm going to go attempt a four hour stretch of sleep without any tears!

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Mean People

I have an acquaintance from high school that has an adorable six month old daughter. I remember enviously watching her posts while she was pregnant. One afternoon near the end of her pregnancy I was appalled to see a post she made about how horrible and hurtful people were towards her all the time. I couldn't understand it at all. She was tiny and had one of those adorable baby bumps you see on television.

Fast forward a few months....

I had already started to poke out a little, but the day after my doctor's appointment I suddenly just sort of popped out there. I was overjoyed. I have waited years for that moment. I will admit, due to my dietary issues before I got pregnant, I gained a little more than I probably should have in the first trimester, but my doctor hasn't said a word about it, and I've balanced out a lot now that I can eat a healthier variety of foods again. I suppose to someone that has never met me they might consider my belly to be a front heavy bulge, but when I look down, it seems huge already because I know it isn't my normal belly.

Even before I started to show, I had a few people that loved to give me some unappreciated jabs about how much I was eating or how huge I was going to get. Everyone close to me was so used to my minimal eating I guess, that once I started really eating, it seemed I was eating a ton. I have a few people that just cannot seem to see me without comment and I'm barely showing right now.

My grandmother is the number one ring leader in this. Granted, she's 80 years old and has absolutely no filter on what she says. She frequently says very hurtful things to the people around her, and she doesn't realize how horrible they are. She once lectured me for days about how wrong adoption was and how "God would make me regret it" if I did it. She felt that if God had told me no, he meant no.
She had a hard time conceiving and ended up having only my dad, although she wanted many more. She lost at least one in miscarriage. She has always taken our mission to have a child personally.

Recently, she came over to the house and watched intently as I made a s'more for a snack. She pointed to my belly and said "Don't you think you wouldn't show so much if you wouldn't eat so much. You are going to be as big as a house!" She also questioned me about what I was going to have for dinner one night last week and said "You are just dying to have that belly whether it's really all baby or not aren't you?"

She isn't the only person that has done this. There are several people, most of them very close to me, that cannot seem to find anything kind or positive to say. I wish they understood how self conscious I am already. I am looking forward to my belly. I adore it. It's a reminder that things are okay. I'm trying to push back all of the worry about weight and extra pounds right now. I have a hard time working out because I get sick when I get hot, and I do feel hungry ALL the time! With our budget what it is, it isn't easy to always make super healthy food choices. Sometimes I just go for filling.

I never considered this when I thought about being pregnant. I heard people fuss about people touching their bellies, or asking over and over why they hadn't had the baby yet. I never dreamed of having to defend myself and my growing belly, especially at such an early stage! I'm pregnant! I'm supposed to get a belly!

I ranted to a few people and made a strategic post about it, just to get my point across to some of the offenders, but I'm sure I haven't heard the end of it. How did you handle those comments?

Thursday, July 11, 2013


I'm sorry it's been a couple of days. I have so many wonderful things I have wanted to share. I have learned a valuable lesson to pass along to future mommy hopefuls out there. Are you ready? Pay very close attention...

**Never ever clean up your computer cookies, history, etc, while pregnant brain is in full swing!

I did a clean up on my comp a few days ago which resulted in clearing the auto-fill for everything. That's normally not a big deal for me. I just go in, re-type them, click remember, and resume life. I don't know if it was true prego brain or just an overwhelming obsession with my belly, but I could not remember email addresses or passwords to anything, including my blog. It's all better now though, a rare moment of clarity and a lot of guessing helped me unlock the door and we're all set.

So, onto the goodness!

Monday I went to the doctor. It was supposed to be a simple appointment. We were going to hear the heartbeat, chat for a bit, and head to breakfast. Both of us were so nervous though. Hubs had even announced the night before that he wasn't going to go with me. He said he was too afraid of bad news. I  pointed out that if he didn't go I would have to face it alone and he quickly decided we should both go.

Everything turned out just fine. After a bit of searching and prodding, the doc found little sea monkey and the heart rate was 158. I'm telling ya, there is nothing more beautiful right now than that sound. Hubs' eyes lit up like a kid at Christmas and we left grinning from ear to ear. Everything seems perfectly fine. Doc told me to get ready for some aches and pains as I started to grow and we headed to a much needed breakfast. No one even said anything about my weight gain which I was surprised at!

Tuesday marked a huge milestone. Tuesday we hit 14 weeks which officially means I'm in the second trimester! Apparently sea monkey wanted to celebrate the day with a bang, because suddenly at some point during the day my belly popped out and hasn't popped back in. I have been showing a little for a couple of weeks, but now it really looks and feels like a pregnant belly, which I adore.

I've also started feeling real flutters from time to time. Now before any flags start waving and people start getting all upset about this, I don't care what the books or the doctors say. I've been feeling a tiny little flutter for a couple of weeks now. It was very sporadic and would only last a second or two. It only happened when I was really still and quiet, and didn't happen very often, but regardless of the true origin, it made me feel immensely better and I went with it.

This week, those tiny moments have turned into what feels like full on acrobatics sometimes. I can be sitting at my computer or even walking and suddenly I'll feel it. Yesterday morning I stayed in bed for almost an hour giggling. If it stopped, I could turn over or change position and there it would be again and there is no doubt as to what it is now. It has caused me to fall hopelessly in love with this little person (As if I weren't already)!

I also seem to have finally found that feel good spot. I do still need to nap from time to time, and if I let myself get too hungry, hot, or tired, I will get nauseous or start to feel bad, but for the most part I feel wonderful. I cry even more than before, but it's simply because I'm so happy all the time. Hubs laughs at me because he can just hug me sometimes and start the waterworks.

It doesn't matter to me. I have waited my entire marriage for this. We both have. We have lived the pain and agony of disappointment for ten very long years. We have been stashing up our joy and love for all of those years and I plan to make the most out of every smile!

Tuesday, July 2, 2013


This week has been a whirlwind of crazy! Wednesday night hubs came into the living room and woke me up to tell me his great-grandmother had passed away. We debated our options for a while and I went back to bed with everything left hanging for the night. We had no idea about the arrangements or what hubs' work would let him do as far as time off went.

We were anxious about me making a seven hour trip after a minor spotting issue Thursday, and his dad suddenly changed his tune and seemed to think we should just stay home, but we really wanted to see them, and we knew in the coming months travel would only get more challenging. With the doctor's okay, we headed out around 4 am on Friday morning.

I'm so glad we chose to go. The circumstances were not the best, but it was wonderful to see everyone and it was great to celebrate the life of an amazing woman. We saw family that I have never met before. Right away, we realized everyone knew about our news and we were both overwhelmed by the love and the joy people had for us. There were people hubs had not seen since he was a little boy that would come up and hug us and congratulate us, saying they had prayed for us for so long and couldn't wait to meet our little one.

We didn't realize how much hubs' great grandmother knew about the past few months, but she knew it all. Hubs' grandmother told us she had cried and mourned deeply when we lost Espe. She prayed daily for us and was overjoyed when they told her we were expecting again. She made quick work to inform the whole family and instructed them all to pray for this tiny little person.

The drive to the funeral home and the church was an hour and a half from the in laws' house, so by the end of the funeral on Saturday, everyone was exhausted. In fact, Friday night on the way back from the visitation, I cried the entire way home. There were so many people, we had been going on very little sleep, I was hungry, and exhausted, and all I could do was cry. I worried hubs a bit at first, but I assured him I was just overwhelmed and tired.

Sunday morning we slept in and then hubs' dad decided to cook breakfast. I love his breakfast! While eating, my brother called. We had split the pups up, leaving our older dog Zina with my grandmother and Parker with my brother at my parents' house. Parker had slipped out that morning and my brother was frantic. He couldn't find him anywhere. I surprisingly didn't panic. I told him just to keep calling him and he would come back and to call us when he did. I didn't start to worry that much until later that afternoon when I woke from a two hour nap and still had not gotten a phone call.

Mom and Dad had been out of town and got back earlier than we did, so a search party ensued. My brother's girlfriend went through the wooded areas behind their house and they all drove around calling and searching. When we got there around midnight, there was still no sign of him. Parker was my first Christmas present from hubs and he has never wandered away that long. When he still didn't pop up Monday morning, I was certain we had lost him for good.

I called animal control and left a message early that morning with my number just in case they got any calls and mom and I left to run some errands. Around lunch time I got a phone call. The man that runs our tiny animal control center started asking me questions about when and where he was lost. Then he said "Does he happen to be a small, furry, apricot colored, pup?" Tears instantly poured down my face. He told me they had gotten a call about a small dog under a car in a field that was very scared and wouldn't come out. It happened to be across the street from my parents' home. I called hubs and he rushed down to scoop up a very dirty and very traumatized Parker.

This morning I woke up with all of my furry babies surrounding me in the bed and this amazing feeling of being loved and cared about. I feel so blessed. Hubs family put aside their feelings for a while this weekend to show us how much they cared for our little one while my family spent hours searching for our pup back home.

God answered many prayers this week for us, some tiny and some rather large, but everyone just as meaningful and wonderful to me.