Sunday, November 30, 2008

Dear heavenly forces,

It is no secret that during this holiday season my family is hurting. The wound we all share is deep and very sore right now. I'm not the only one that has noticed the fragility of life lately. Our lives have become a ticking clock, counting down the hours till our family is changed irreversibly.

It is so painful to see my mother hurt so much as she faces the future of her parents. My heart aches each time I imagine my grandfather's face, so weary. Tears flood my eyes each time I realize my grandfather will no longer do certain things. He will never go to church again. He will never see my home. He will never drive to the barber shop with the neat swirly pole.

Even our youngest member, whether intentional or sixth sensed, shows signs that she is hurting. Her photo albums, usually stuffed to the brim with family pets, favorite places, and lunch room moments with silly friends, is now replaced with many pictures of us. She has pictures of my sister, brother, and I. She keeps pictures of her family even when they do have her stinky brother in them. Once you pass all of those happy photos, you will find towards the back, a desperate attempt to hold on to her Grandfather. She has blurry pictures and red tinted ones. She has Christmas photos that have been snuck from the big family album. In each one he is smiling and the twinkle in his eye outshines everyone else in the photo.

As Christmas approaches, there is a weight that presses down on all of our hearts. My parents are scrambling to finish renovations so that he can visit their home and spend a holiday with them one more time. My grandfather was a master carpenter and his approval of my parents' handiwork has become top priority.

I too feel a weight of responsibility. This is why I am writing. I want so badly to at least let him know that his family is growing. I think he would like to know that. I understand that it may be too late for him to hold a new family member, but I want him to at least know one is coming.

I also feel that a new life coming into our family could be so helpful for us all. With a new life comes hope and light. My hope is that he or she could help comfort us and help us heal. In no way would he or she take the place of any vacant spots. In no way would he or she distract us from an empty seat, but I do think it would make things more bearable at least. I worry about my mother and I can see a new little one as a way to keep her smiling. I see the same for my grandmother. I can see myself looking for that familiar twinkle as my little one wakes in the mornings.

So, to the powers that be, I beg of you, please help our family. Please let us receive this miracle as you prepare to take another back home. I understand I suppose, if you tell me it isn't time. I will wait once again with a sincere attempt at patience. Still, if you would at least consider how this tiny Sheldon could help our family perhaps you will see what I see.

Happy 12dpo Sheldon

Saturday, November 29, 2008

To Pee or Not to Pee

This is always the worst part of the wait.

This is that time that you hear all those stories about people testing and getting beautiful double lines of joy or getting negatives until a month after af was due. At one time, I was in the crowd that peed from 7dpo all the way up to af's appearance. I can't do that anymore. I was a mess. I ended up turning into a mushy ball of anxiety laden disappointment and tears.

Now, I try to go with the "As long as I don't know, I am so let's just never find out!" philosophy. I avoid those little sticks as if they were chock full of ebola or something. The thought of peeing makes my knees shake a bit. Thing is, up until this point, I've never truly made it this far with a good reason to test. Usually, I end up later than I thought I should be, and I test once a week for a month before giving up and asking for provera to come clean up my mess.

I am 11dpo today and I will admit that my chart has given me some serious curiosity as to the state of my uterus. When do I break down and get a test? If I get an early test, will it really show anything early? I've never really believed in those. I don't want to start school next week without knowing though. I don't know why. It makes no difference, but having a work free day to myself when I find out just seems so much nicer.

Of course, every single time I decide maybe I should go at least buy a test or two, trepidation sets in and I can't move. I hate the fear of finding another negative. I don't want to tilt the heavenly forces either way at this point and that whole just wait and see idea seems so much safer.

Oh internets... why does this have to be so darn hard?!?!

Friday, November 28, 2008

Tiny Victories

We're here today. Sheldon and I are here together. Still.

Our Thanksgiving was brought to a close last night with a quiet stillness in the dark. I lie awake reflecting on the day's events. The kids (not so much kids anymore) enjoyed a new found bond together as we played games and laughed together about the same things. The "adults" sat in the other room, a football game playing in the background, as they smiled at memories of holidays past. They watched us mirror many of the same things they shared as children years before. I noticed that I wasn't the only "kid" that paused in silent reflection, watching the generations move onward right before our eyes. The childlike sense of immortality erased from our eyes as we acknowledged that some of us will go and others will come.

It is a surreal feeling. That feeling that you are responsible for keeping the wheel turning. That feeling that as you turn the wheel to welcome new family in, others will leave. My grandfather has never looked so fragile. He looked like a child sitting in his wheelchair oblivious to the conversations and events going on around him. Still, he was peaceful as he watched us all laugh. A couple of times I even saw that familiar twinkle flash in his eyes.

On the way home, my husband remarked "I had no idea he was so sick." Hubby's work schedule has prevented him from being with me on most of my recent visits and he has not witnessed the avalanche of decline over the past few months like the rest of us. It is heartbreaking to see, but a reality we all must face, holding each other up and helping him through the final parts of his journey.

As slept crept upon me, I whispered a blessing over each face that I cherished last night. At the end I stopped and whispered a very secret and sacred blessing for one tiny face that I have not seen yet. I am very blessed and thankful to know that we have gotten so far this cycle. It is a small victory that no matter the outcome has brought us one more step closer to meeting the face we pray and hope to see so desperately.

I have decided that I need to start acknowledging the little victories more. I need to celebrate each and every one as if it were a major milestone. Sheldon is here with us today and that is what we will focus on today. Tomorrow we will celebrate tomorrow. No matter the outcome, I am blessed with this little egg that has reminded me to focus on the right things again in my journey for a child and every day life as well....

Happy 10 dpo Sheldon. We've never made it this far!

Thursday, November 27, 2008

A Miraculous Weepy Turkey Day... I hope

Happy Turkey Day!

I love this day so much! I know that it is Thanksgiving and I should be all reflective and mushy, but truthfully, my favorite part about this day has nothing to do with the holding of hands and stuffing of dead birds. My favorite part is that this marks the beginning of Christmas! I woke up at about 5 am this morning to the beautiful sound of Christmas music on my radio. I smiled and went back to sleep dreaming happily of all those sugar plums.

This morning we have gotten to talk to Hubby's parents via web cam and enjoyed a several minute long conversation with our four year old nephew while we marvelled at how much he has grown in the past few months. He's such a funny kid and I miss watching him grow up terribly.

We both managed to get up by 8am and have been lazily chatting and piddling all morning. I am starving at the moment and I am trying to convince Hubby to grab us a bite to eat as well as a few necessary items I need to make the potatoes he has begged me to make all year for this day. He loves my cheesy garlic mashed potatoes, but my pcos hates them. My family usually doesn't do mashed potatoes on Turkey Day, but this year with his insistance, we're gonna give it a try.

Afer yesterday, anything is possible! I cleaned up yesterday morning and Hubby came in from work at around 11am. Shortly after, his packages arrived and a cardboard factory threw up in my living room. He had stuff strewn all over. Our lunch was delivered and Hubby almost couldn't open the door for all the crap he had everywhere. During lunch we watched the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants 2 and the weeping began. I cried through that entire movie. I don't normally cry through movies, but this time, we feared drowning before the movie's end.

After the movie, Dan and Dot announced they would be over to the house with the baby in about twenty minutes. I got frantic. I had to re clean the whole house. Hubby was being a man and didn't help very much which got me really stirred up. We had run out of drinks at the house and that got to me and then Hubby mentioned supper. I couldn't take it anymore. I started sobbing. I melted into a hysterical mess just as they walked in the door. I hid in the bedroom and wept for half an hour. I've never in my life done anything like that. It embarrassed me so much and I felt awful for being so silly. I managed to shower, redress, and pull myself together to enjoy what turned into a pretty fun night.

I knew clomid made me sort of weepy, but yesterday was bizarre. It isn't over yet either. I had already cried in excitement over Christmas songs this morning and at the sight of our nephew twice before 9am. It is going to be a loooong day!

I will have to say that whatever is going on can just keep going though. I will be perfectly content to spend the next nine months weeping uncontrollably if it will bring us a child. So far the girls haven't been very sore. This morning they are achy, but nothing too bad like normal. I haven't had many nauseous instances this time either which is unusual. My gums are bleeding a lot, but I'm not sure if that means anything this early in the game. As far as smells and such, I am just now getting to the point where I can breathe again so smelling and tasting just isn't happening. There has been much achy, crampy sort of stuff going on so af could knock on the door at any moment.

Regardless of symptoms and such this has still been a miraculous cycle for us! I am at 9dpo today with a beautifully high temp this morning. My chart, although a bit rocky due to some fluctuation in my sleeping and such, is just gorgeous in my opinion. If things hold off until tomorrow like my temps indicate they should, this will be the longest luteal phase I have managed yet! I pray our little guy is digging in for a long winter's stay.

Happy Turkey Day Sheldon!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

The goo has infested the title center of my brain...

I am a terrible horrible no good rotten blogger lately. Today I have started about five new posts and unfortunately none of them made the cut. Why? Well I have the "goo." No not the flu, not a cold, the "goo." That is the only way I can describe that icky sick that I get each year about this time. It is sort a mixture of all the sick kids I work with I guess. This time my body has been working super hard to fight it off. It started a couple of months ago. I would wake up with a sore throat or cough and by bed time it would be gone and I would be fine. Sometimes, it would linger a couple of days with a runny nose or something very minute and insignificant. On Friday, it finally took hold of my little sinuses and decided to throw a huge disco party complete with the thumpin' dj that took up residence in my skull.

I think I know what happened.

I think that my whole body was so entranced and awed over my beautiful little "Sheldon" that they didn't notice the onslaught of attack. If that is the case, I don't mind. I am very proud of him too. I just pray and pray that this time he (or she) hangs around and signs a full 9 month lease!

Okay, enough about the eggie, although I have a very ridiculous but upsetting question I need answered later. I thought I would show you all my Christmas present! My hubby, tech guru that he is, was determined to steer me away from the peaceful serenity of a new and much larger fish tank and direct me to a very outlandish and extravagant new camera. I didn't mean to show it to him, but once he saw it, he decided that it would be mine.

My current camera is great. It takes great clear pictures and works fine for the silly things around here that I photograph. What brought all of this up was my frustration with the coloring of my photos when I put one up for show and tell. No matter how much I fiddle with white balance and shutters and all that jazz, my pics still have this eerie yellow look or a shocking spot light in the eyes sort of look. I went to check out reviews on an upgrade for my current camera and the site popped up this...

I immediately began to drool, and clicked on it to see what it could do. Of course Hubby comes bouncing in about that time with a "Whatcha doin?" The next words..."Ohhhh..." And that is how it started. He knew I would absolutely love it but the price tag made me want to throw up. I've never had anything that nice before or that expensive. I told him I didn't really want it and thought that was that. Wrong!

He kept bringing it up. He would gripe about the lack of space for a fish tank although I have already determined that I want it to sit on my kitchen counter to take Camille the Fish of Death's current spot. I am hoping by moving her to a more depressing spot in the house like our bathroom, perhaps she will lose her will to swim and die. But, anyhow... This morning, he pulled up the "e"vil bay and started looking. I told him I would never agree to it. He managed to find a Canadian version that was two hundred dollars cheaper. He asked if I wanted it and I said "Well of course I do but I don't want you to buy it." He clicked here and there "looking at what came with it" then he said "Let's just click buy so we can see how much total it would be..." Before I could say no, he had already clicked confirm purchase and with a smug grin turned to me to say "You should be able to take some amazing pictures of our turkey this year!"

**** As mentioned above, this is so silly I guess, but has anyone gotten pregnant while they were sick? I have been so so so weepy this week and I keep having this huge worry that my body will be too busy fighting off the sick for things to work.

Well actually, I keep imagining Sheldon down there going "Look at the mess she has going on in here! I'm not gonna put up with this for 9 months! I'm outta here!"

I'm pretty sure it's a bit irrational, but if someone could help me out and put my heart at ease, life would be easier.

Friday, November 21, 2008

C'mon lil' eggie!

According to my chart I am 3dpo. I ovulated on day 20 this time which is a far cry better than day 30. I have some beautiful red lines staining my chart now and although it isn't the most beautiful chart I have in my arsenal, it is starting to come very close!


Do your thing!!!! We have 11 days...

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Keep it up!

Whatever you all are doing right now seems to be working! Keep whatever you have crossed and continue to send up every thought and prayer you have been sending! My temps have risen beautifully for the past two days. One more rising temp and I will see those beautiful red lines I think.

Oh how I hope it works this time.

I have refused any and all efforts to get me to settle on a Christmas present this year. Every conversation I have with anyone about it ends in tears. There is only one thing on my list this time and no one can pick one up at their local Wally or mall.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Time to Cluck!!!!

Oooo! I am so excited! There is no one else in the whole world that I could share this with either. You ladies always understand even the smallest silliest victories.

This afternoon when I got home I discovered the sign! I just want to jump up and down and skip around the whole town giddy with excitement!

This morning I was so worried after looking at my chart. I was disappointed and afraid that Clomid wasn't working the way we had hoped. The doc was very hopeful that with an increased dosage I would ovulate earlier and stronger. He has been very positive and certain that clomid would be just what we needed to get my body working. I of course have had many moments of doubt and fear. As each day ticks by I find myself getting more and more discouraged...until today!!!!!

This may be the grossest thing I have ever posted and for that I apologize, but darn it, you just can't call your mom up and be all.... "Leaping fish sticks mom! I have egg whites in my underpants!" I hate to admit that the doc is right, but I won't complain about his winning streak at all! The only time this ever happens is when I truly ovulate. I can count on one hand without using all my digits the number of times this has happened in six years. Last month it happened but it was so late in the game with a very short waiting period. This time it is right in range!!!!

I think I am going to go and prepare the nest. I am going to cook us an awesome supper too and perhaps pick out a movie for us to watch. Yay! I knew I could whip those ovaries into shape one way or another!

Thank you all for sharing in my silliness. I know you are all out there smiling and nodding your heads in understanding and support and it makes all of this a little easier to bear. Cross your fingers, pray, and wish on every star you see. Maybe this time it will work...

Sunday, November 16, 2008


Don't think I didn't notice those menacing stares you were giving me last night as I went to bed early. I saw them! I know I have been a terrible blogger lately. I can feel the anger and resentment radiating out of your eyes right down into my soul. Still, I find the task of settling down in front of a computer for anything a very daunting and impossible task. I'm sorry that you have been forced to suffer for six more days without me and that I have missed yet another show and tell. I promise I will do better!

I knew that upping the dose of Clomid would mean more side effects. I was prepared I thought. I had visions of walking around with a barf bag attached to my face like a horse's feed bag. I doubled the number of ice packs I stashed in the freezer and tried to come up with a creative way to slip them into my shoes so that I didn't leave a wake of fiery flames every where I went. I added some extra migraine meds to my bag and stocked up on tissues in every room for the tears that were certain to fall.

I was an idiot. I was not prepared at all. I had no idea what I would feel like. If I had known, I would have taken the next month off at work and hidden in a nice icy cave somewhere until a positive pee stick brought me out to dance victoriously on those evil blister packed devil pills!

Ok, truthfully, it hasn't been that bad. The cranky has taken over this time which is new. I have had a few headaches, but I always have those. The nausea hasn't really hit yet. It will be another week or so before I have to fight that battle although, I am already dealing with it a bit and I fear what the next couple of weeks have in store for me. The hot flashes? Well let's just thank the heavens now for all this cold weather lately! It has helped a bit that the puddle of tears freeze in my shoes and keep my toes nice and frosty.

The crying has been ridiculous this month. A lot. I cry about silly things. I hate it. I am not a crier. Well, normally. Hubby mentioned my sister this week and I thought about not being able to see her the past few weeks (she's in college two hours away) and I started sobbing like a little kid right there in the car. I also made the dumb mistake of watching Homeward Bound with one of my kindergarten classes. I didn't even make it to the sad parts! I started sobbing the moment the little white doggie raised his ears and tilted his head to the side. The kids thought Ms. Arian was a total dork.

With all of that being said, the most horrible side effect has been my sleep. I cannot sleep for more than an hour or two at a time. I was wondering if anyone else had dealt with any sleep issues on clomid. With the 50mg the worst I had were a few middle of the night wake ups and some seriously bizarre dreams. This go round, the weird dreams are a bit stranger but I can manage that. I just make sure to ask my mom each morning when she picks me up for work if I am wearing a shirt and pants. The lack of sleep however, is killing me. Last night I literally keep tally of each hour passing as I slept. I didn't even intend to do it, but I would wake up, look at the clock and say, "There's the 1am mark.....this must be 2am.....sigh...3am..." and so on until 8am this morning. It wasn't each hour on the hour or anything, but there was a moment in each hour that I was awake staring at my clock begging my eyes to shut and for sleep to take over again.

The result? I fell asleep at about 2 o'clock this afternoon and slept off and on until about 5. Now I have a terrible headache.

I feel like a blob. A tearful, cranky, hot as fire blob that could hurl at any moment!

Monday, November 10, 2008

Vacation needed!

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a week! Truth is, I don't see how I have managed to get half of what I have accomplished lately. Clomid has kicked my butt! Hard! I am just worn out.

What a coincidence that all of a sudden I have people coming at me from all directions with things they need me to do. Realize I said "need" not "want." Apparently I have a lot to offer lately. Unfortunately, by the time I get everything they need finished, there is no time for me to catch my breath.

Hubby has his Christmas present already. He got one of those rock star setups for his xbox. We have had more people over at our house this week than we have in six months I think! He has also rotated shifts which is kinking my routine. I love having him at home at night, but the flow of things is totally off. Not to mention, our alarm clock is trying to die on us, so waking up on time right now is a bit of a hit or miss. We're just trying to float it along a few more days until we can find time to get a new one.

I've got things going on at school and church this week too. It has kept me scurrying around frantically. I am out of the house by 7:15 each morning and don't come home until about 8:30 at night. It wouldn't be so bad I guess if things weren't so hectic that I rarely have time to sit and eat or collect my thoughts.

The whirlwind will end soon though and I am enjoying myself in the meantime. I'm just exhausted. It has been rather interesting trying to throw even a moment of baby making magic into the mix. At one point last night I just stopped and burst out laughing at the craziness of it all. It just had to be this week didn't it?

Please forgive me. I'm holding on by my fingernails right now! If ever there were a time to get stranded on a deserted island....

Monday, November 3, 2008


I started Round 3 today. I just pray that today is no indication of what is in store!

I had a difficult time sleeping last night and ended up with only four or five hours before getting up to go to work, with kindergarteners, on a Monday! I knew it was bad when I woke up and tears immediately began to stream down my face. I've been so weepy lately. I do not understand it! I'm not a weepy gal, but lately...grrr! I should also add in here that I ran out of Metformin on Thursday and because of the new recept lady and my doc being out of office and our small town pharmacy being closed on Sunday, I could not get my script filled until today.

Once I got to school, my mood was unbearable. I didn't even want to be near me! I teetered between tears and frustrated anger all morning. Can you say mood swings??? I decided it was best to go on home for the day and get my medicine. I was hoping that a restful day at home and my medicine would be all it took.

Once home, hubby and I just spent the day lounging around and relaxing. I still felt a bit off kilter but nothing too bad. Dan stopped by for a little while later in the day and we all talked for a good while. After he left, Hubby decided to take a nap and I pulled out my latest crochet project.

About half an hour later, I heard someone's car alarm. This is not unusual in our complex, but after a couple of minutes, I got up to check and see. I peered out our window and almost had a heart attack. There was a man standing under our window leaning on a vehicle and making the alarm go off over and over. He grinned, waved, and set it off again.

I tried to wake Hubby and called my parents at the same time. I tend to be a bit hypervigilant sometimes so I thought a call to them would be best. Seconds after my mom got on the phone, someone knocked on our door. I totally freaked! Hubby was still in a daze so I called Dan. They live really close and I figured if he drove by and thought things looked odd out there, he and Hubby would take care of it. During this time, the guy set the alarm off a few more times.

Dan and Hubby immediately confronted the guy and Hubby came back up to tell me to call the police. I can not tell you how scared I was. The officer that answered was a jerk. I try to be as nice as I can in those situations but he stopped me at one point and said "Ma'am, you are safe in your home, I don't see what the problem is." The word "rage" can't come near to what I felt in that moment. I took a deep breath and said "Ten years ago, I was stalked and attacked while safe in my home, and you all couldn't get the guy. It should be crystal clear what the problem is!" He immediately cut the sarcasm and sent someone out.

The guy's story was weird and didn't explain what he was doing at our building. He was looking for someone. The police took him to a hotel and told us to be sure and call if he came back, especially if he got in his vehicle. They think he is an illegal, but can't do much until they catch him in the act of driving or something. I don't know.

Needless to say, I will be spending a very sleepless night huddled up in the living room with Hubby and the pups, straining to hear every twig snap outside. I've not been this scared or shaken up in years. Part of me wants to think that this guy just crossed the wrong person, but part of me remembers what happened ten years ago. I want so badly to fall asleep right now and pretend this was all a horrible nightmare but I know sleep will be so hard to find tonight. I can't imagine going to work tomorrow morning. On the other hand, that is how this day started, trying to get a restful day off...

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Who says we need kids?

We had almost as much fun dressing up Parker and Zina!

Head on over to Mel's now and see who else is showing in class today!

Show and Tell