Tuesday, February 26, 2008

A Head of Troubles

If it isn't one thing it's another.

The past couple of weeks have been rough. Hubby has lost his job and I'm beyond frustrated. There hasn't been much of an effort made and we are scraping the barrel right now. I think the stress is getting out of control. Mom is adamant that I should leave and his folks are the opposite. I'm just stuck in the middle right now being stretched in all directions and truly I just want to find a dark quiet place alone and just "be" for a while.

I'm certain that I have been under the spell of winter driven depression. Today for the first time I noticed the sun was up when I woke up and I was so happy today. Then I got home and it got dark... It will end soon though. That is what I keep telling myself. It won't last forever. I just have to keep on going for a little while.

I had af visit on time this month so I seem to be getting things settled there. I had a doctor's appt two weeks ago and my sugar/thyroid/blood pressure/cholesterol/etc look great. My calcium is low but I'm trying to work on that. One thing that has come up though are these massive headaches.

Usually I get a migraine or two right after I ovulate and up until af visits. Since I o'd this time I have had one constant headache. They would escalate at times to a point where I felt almost like I couldn't breathe. They have eased up a bit since af left. I still have a headache daily but they are no where near migraine status. Doc was concerned about the frequency of the severe ones so he sent me to a neurologist. I will see him on Wednesday. I know he will tell me they are stress/hormone based. I know there isn't much he can do. I'm still going though b/c I need something to help me manage them.

Anyway, sorry for the gloomy post. Spring is coming and things will get better.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Empty house syndrome

We had a very interesting weekend.Thursday hubby decided to quit his job. Not good timing and not a good move in my opinion but whatever. I'm not going to stress about it until next week. On Friday, since he didn't work we went to Dot and Dan's house to play Wii (omg love it!) and hang out. Somewhere in there hubby and Dan decided that hubby and I would babysit for the weekend while Dot and Dan went out alone. Hmmm... anyone see any red flags? I didn't at first.

Saturday afternoon they unpacked the Uhaul and delivered a squirmy smiley baby to our house with all her stuff. It was quite amusing to see. The only experience we have with babies in our house centers around our nephew and his teenage parents who only brought a couple of diapers and a bottle with them if we were lucky. So you can imagine when they brought all the cool baby stuff with her we were like kids in a candy shop. It was like getting a Barbie for Christmas with the house and the cool car and Ken and the shoes! Wow!

It was kind of funny because she is so laid back and we weren't quite sure what to do with her. We pulled out and dusted off our pack n play for her to sleep in and we settled in for a fun night. It was a blast. She was so happy and we just cuddled and played with her all night. She went to bed at 10 and woke up around 4 for a bottle and was back down till about 7.

I have to say here though... my favorite part of the weekend was Sunday morning. It was amazing and I woke up just in a dream world. I woke up to a coo (Of course I was super vigilant even in my sleep and the first noise woke me). It was a beautiful coo. She talked to herself and played with her feet. She stayed there for about 45 minutes and I just watched and listened. I just soaked in that rare moment of bliss. It was so cool!

We got up and I fed her and changed her and took her with me to drop off some chili for a fundraiser at church and then guiltily I came back home to enjoy every moment I could.

They picked her up around three and hubby and I both braced for the silence. It wasn't so horrible. We both found ways to cover it up and cope. But there was one thing I wasn't prepared for and I warn you about volunteering if you haven't to babysit for someone.

All night every time I walked to the bathroom it was there. It just sat there empty. I avoided it like the plague and fell asleep on the couch. I went to work on Monday and did not allow myself to look at it as I dressed and left. Then when I came home, we got into a tiff about jobs and such and all I could think about was the bed sitting in our room out of sight but certainly not out of mind. It ate at my soul and I finally burst into tears in the middle of our cool down and asked hubby to please take it down. Tears welled up in his eyes too and he said "I was hoping we could leave it up a while." My heart broke into a million pieces.

He had never put it up or taken it down so he had no idea what he was doing and of course he had to stop and ask me to help. We just shut the bedroom door for a while until I could muster enough gumption to go and take it down and tearfully pack it carefully back in our baby closet.

They have asked us to babysit again in a couple of weeks and I would love to more than anything. The whole air in our house changes with her here and life is so good. But, I'm terrified. I don't know if I can do it again.

How do you manage this if at all?

Sunday, February 3, 2008

We are never allowed a break...

It just isn't fair.


They have been through so much and then for this to happen.

I have only known ME through the blogging world and infact I have never even delurked to tell her hello but I still felt like I was right there with her. When I read those words the tears ran hot and fast down my face. She is one of us. She knows how I feel. When she says I understand, I know she truly does. She has been down my road and we wear the same shoes. The pain I feel for her is unbearable and I wish I could just be there holding her hand and crying with her. I know in spirit we all are though.

When something like this happens it just reminds me that where we go the monster is never far behind. It feels as though we are never allowed a moment to forget or just to breathe and feel normal. In the past few weeks I have heard from so many new IF moms that even the new life they hold in their arms doesn't erase the pain and scars they have. It just seems so unfair and I've really struggled with my decision to move forward with our plan. We have halted for the moment only to allow spring to come and for me to find a happier more hopeful place but as we close in on March I can't help but feel swallowed up with the helplessness that IF carries with it.

I feel as if no matter what I do or where I turn I'm still going to be looking over my shoulder. I'm terrified and I'm struggling to find the strength to move on to the next step. I feel like I am walking on a sheet of glass and one wrong step could shatter our world completely.

This is a sad day and my prayers and thoughts are with you Mary Ellen and Steve. I'm so so sorry.