Saturday, July 31, 2010


Provera does some strange things to my body. I'm not sure if anyone else has ever had this particular side effect, but I get cravings. I thought for a long time it was in my head, but during my ill fated break from provera I forgot all about it. It wasn't until the second day of desperately trying to get my hands on 'just - one - more - strawberry' that I realized it was happening again.

This week is a provera week and once again I am slave to the "can't get enough, I have to have it Now!" cravings. This month is tomatoes, and thankfully my mother has been visiting our Amish friends so I am fully stocked on the ruby goodness of fresh, out of the garden tomatoes!

At first I was a bit upset with my body for such an insensitive side effect. I mean if I can't be pregnant, why subject me to such horrible symptoms? Once I got over my grudge, I realized it's actually kind of funny. My craving is different every month. Sometimes I devour peanut butter or chocolate. Most of the time I would cut my arm off for some sort of fresh fruit or veggie (my waistline thanks me for that). Hubby and I jokingly guess what I'm going to crave each month and we are almost always wrong, but at least it gives us something to giggle about in all this mess.

Friday, July 30, 2010

The Controls

I think for me one of the hardest parts of this whole infertility journey is the lack of control. As I struggle through the normal difficulties that life presents, I am forced to hand over control of the most basic desire for any woman. Granted, I realize that all women are at the mercy of fate when it comes to having children, however for infertile women, there isn't even a level of control with the amount of disclosure we are willing to give all sorts of people on the most intimate aspects of our lives.

Sure there are doctors that probe and question our methods. There are plans, pills, and opinions. The appointments are intrusive and frustrating and often I am left feeling exposed and confused. But there are also the voices of family members, friends, and sometimes not quite acquaintances. Those voices that insist on making sure you understand their feelings and concerns. You know, so that when you are struggling to create your family, you will be sure to consider their desires before making any decisions (but that's a whole other post).

During such a whirlwind of uncertainty, as an infertile, I am forced to follow a strictly controlled protocol of medicines, times, temps, and do's and don'ts. It is as if I am caught in the force field between two repelling magnets, being pulled first one way then the other. Then, as if this isn't enough to cope with, someone brilliant genius pipes in with those ill fated words.... Just relax!

Friday, July 23, 2010

A Spoonful of Sugar

For the past few months I've really been struggling with some things. I tried, as I am unfortunately wont to do sometimes, to handle things on my own, but I think it got out of hand a bit. During our latest vacation with the in laws, my anxiety got the best of me and now I am really struggling to keep my head above water.

When Hubby and I met, I had some serious issues with anxiety and I was under the care of a doctor that thought the solution to every problem was more medication. I was a terrified zombie. None of the meds worked well and I could barely function. When we got married, I took a huge step and came off of them. I've worked really hard to stay off of them ever since.

I think I feel like if I go back on meds, I am a failure, like I let these irrational thoughts get the best of me; but I have to function, and right now I'm not doing so great at that. I look at my schedule this past semester and then forward to the fall schedule I am about to have to tackle and meds don't look like a bad idea anymore. At least I could make it through an exam without falling apart.

This is where infertility once again takes a firm stand in every aspect of my life. Hubby and I have seriously looked at adoption. We have a plan in place even. It is a long term plan, but a plan nonetheless. I don't want to jeopardize that. I've noticed on the criteria for several international adoption areas (namely China) that anxiety or depression meds can disqualify you. I hate to think that because I don't have my act together now, I will ruin our chances of adopting a baby in the future. I also wonder how anxiety issues would affect a domestic adoption or sway the vote when doing the initial home study and such for any adoption.

I would really like some input about this. I'm trying to work through things on my own, but with the school semester starting in less than a month, I think talking to my doctor might be a good idea. I have to keep telling myself that I would not be a good mother - even to future children that we may or may not have - if I didn't take care of myself during the process. It's hard being a mother to a child you can't have yet.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Ode to Provera

Dear, dear provera!

I'm so sorry that we parted ways for so long. I will never allow myself to be found drifting through the red seas without you again! I am so grateful that you willingly came back into my life without any grudges or anger. How could I ever have been stupid enough to believe that I could cope with that dreadful aunt of mine without you by my side?

Thank you ever so much for promptly dismissing that nasty ole' acne and her hideous lack of social grace and timing! Thank you for helping me remain calm and control my wacky mood swings! (Hubby thanks you for that as well!) I appreciate the remedy you supplied me for those horrible hot flashes (just in time for July too!). I also underestimated the amount of support you offered me when fighting those terrible urges to consume mass quantities of icky sugar and carbs. Thank you so much for all you do!

I now realize that no matter how much I loathe visits from dear ole' Auntie Flo, it is imperative for our family's future that she visit as scheduled each month and I can't thank you enough for helping me beat her into submission when she does pop in for a few days.

I really wish you wouldn't cramp my style quite as much as you do, and the whole hair falling out thing is a bit much don't ya think, but I guess you were right, it is July and it needed a bit of thinning anyway. I guess no friendship is perfect right?

I look forward to seeing you in the coming days. Stay close and expect me to call on you regularly from now on!

She who remains childless (for now)