Saturday, June 27, 2009

A visit from heaven

This morning I had a visit. I lay curled up beside Hubby in my favorite blanket in one of those deep restoring sleeps that only happen once in a blue moon. One minute I was dreaming about school starting back and the next I had been taken to a different time and place. The doctor was looking down at a gorgeous wriggling little fellow. He had light red hair and my blue eyes. His smile could only belong to his dad. She looked up and told me he was just perfect before handing him back to me. I smiled, gave him a snuggle and walked out of the room.

Hubby was waiting for us and gave him a kiss on the head. At some point my father-in-law came to visit the baby. Finally, I found myself sitting on a bench waiting for some sort of appointment and I had him all to myself. I talked to him and played with him. His smile lit up the whole room and his laugh ate at my heart. A girl sat beside me and started talking about him with me. She asked how we had gotten his name. I told her that had been his name for a long time. I explained that we had considered several other names, but always came back to this one. I told her that when he was born, there was this moment that he had stared up at me, our eyes locked on each other, and I knew that the name had always been his.

It was so vivid and clear. It was different than the dream that had been interrupted. I've only had a few dreams like that in my life, but they always leave me with the same feeling. I'm sure many disagree, but I think that dreams can be more than just dreams sometimes.

Even in the dream I knew it was a dream. I knew it wouldn't last. I clung to him and whispered secrets to him as I soaked up every inch of his perfect little face. Whether it was real or not, I like holding on the idea that I shared a visit with my son last night. It makes waiting for him to get here not so hard.

I love you little guy. I can't wait to see that smile for real!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

My New Friend

As promised, I have something very fun to show you all today! If you hadn't heard already, we have been suffering from ailing computers for a while now. Hubby's video card went first, then my comp got a devastating virus. Not even a week after we had them both back up and running, Hubby's power supply shorted out and rendered his comp useless. We moved my comp to the living room to share. My school money should be here in a week or two and we planned on using the extra to get me something else.

Yesterday, Hubby promised me a trip to Goo.dwill. I love that store! I probably enjoy the treasure hunting I do in there a little too much! It is one of the small pleasures in life I allow myself sometimes though. Hubby stayed true to his word and we wandered around the store several times before he started giving me the look. I shrugged defeat and said we would leave after looking at the glass case they had up front with the "expensive" stuff in it.

I wasn't really paying attention to anything in the cases until Hubby grabbed my arm and pulled me back. He was jabbering and pointing. I just let him jabber and point. I figured he had found a video game or something. Then I looked closer. It was a mini notebook just like the one I have been anxiously spying for weeks as I waited for my school money.

The lady pulled it out for us and it was quickly evident that it had never been used. She said that it had come from and had been a return without a receipt most likely. I smiled wistfully at the shiny surface of the computer and turned to check out. I told Hubby there was no way we could afford even such a deal on it right now. He kept prodding.

I finally agreed to call my mom and see if she would loan me the money until my school money came in. I braced myself for her irritated sighs and winced waiting for her response. She was so nonchalant and agreeable about it that I almost asked her what she had been drinking. A half hour later, she walked in to the store, gave it a look over, and told the lady to bag it up!

It is very tiny, but more than serves my needs! It is actually very powerful for its size. I have missed the freedom my old laptop offered me, but I didn't miss the cumbersome heavy bag I had to lug from class to class. When my mom got one of these a few months ago I knew it would be perfect for school and give me more freedom to write wherever and whenever I want!

Most of the ones we have looked at have a squished keyboard and teeny screen. This one has one of the larger screens (10 inch I think) and they squeezed in a full laptop keyboard! It only weighs a couple of pounds, but it can do everything a full sized laptop can do. Bring on the classes!

This link shows you the specs and the price we would have paid for it at the store. It also seems to have very good reviews. I can't believe our luck! I whispered a very heartfelt prayer of thanks for this treasure!

Now go over and see everyone else's treasures that they are showing and telling this week!

I Finally Found You!

I am brimming over with the giddy tremblings of a 12 year old school girl that just found herself the sole witness to all the neighborhood boys partaking in a refreshing skinny dip! In a strange turn of events that leave me with only the distinct feeling of being blessed, my world has been righted in an ever so slight way.

I will lend a little more detail to the story tomorrow complete with pictures, but for now I cannot contain my excitement and will leak out enough joy to suppress the rest of the story for tomorrow.

My friends, I have found you all again! What? You didn't know you were lost? Oh but you were! In case you don't remember, a few weeks ago my computer took a nice long vacation. Not long after that, Hubby's computer got the bright idea to do the same. Somehow in our frantic frenzy to save hundreds of precious memories, stories, links, and I am quite certain the very soul of my creativity and sanity, we lost all of my favorites.

I had them saved ready to import when all was well with my comp again only, when the time came, they were no where to be found. Tonight during a very thorough search of every available storage device in our tiny apartment (don't underestimate its size, there are mass volumes of storage lurking in every corner!) I found them! Well, most of them. I am pretty sure that there are a few that are missing, but they are mostly random sites having nothing to do with my blogging or my friends of the web. I can now "click" with ease once again! I can visit each of you and anytime I want without desperately searching the dark creepy corners of my brain for your url!

Yay! It feels like I finally have my other arm back again! Life can now proceed!

Friday, June 19, 2009

Still searching

The first month after our last cycle with the doc, I was relieved. I was actually elated to finally have a guilt free excuse to stop for a while. I needed to work on me. I don't like who I am becoming. I want better for us and for our future kids. Hubby seemed pretty relieved too. Gone were the strained relations and thermometer readings. We didn't have to have hope or disappointment while we paced anxiously awaiting af. It was a delicious freedom.

The end of school kept my mind and heart busy for a little while. I didn't have time to miss our kids. I was happy to crash on the couch with Hubby for a little uninterrupted television and some snuggling. We were great. We cautiously avoided the tender spots in our hearts and we each dealt with the pain our own way. I used resolve. I was absolutely adamant that I in no way wanted a child while I finished school. I told everyone that asked. I was very firm and knew it would be best for my children. Doing what was best for them shouldn't hurt that bad right? We know what we are doing is right. The path we chose is the only one we could choose if we had their best interests at heart. Right?

This week my grandfather has been in the hospital. My aunt didn't want her daughter to be stuck there with the scary reality that he is sick. She asked Hubby and I to keep her. She's eleven and she's a pretty cool kid. She's a lot like I was as a kid. We didn't hesitate to let her hang with us for a few days.

The first thing that happened was the eerie hum of life that kids bring into a house. The dogs were quite honestly smiling at all of the fun they had with her there to give them hundreds of kisses and hugs. I cooked for her and we all played video games together. It seemed so normal. When Hubby would hang out with his video game buddies, I had someone to chit chat with and take to the pool. The loneliness scattered from every corner of our house.

Tonight, I took her to the pool. We lingered longer than normal because my grandfather came home from the hospital and I wanted her to have as much fun as she could. Truthfully, I didn't want to miss a moment. While we were there, two families came down. Between them there were six children. Four of them were three and under. I watched as the dads took their place in the pool keeping the kids herded towards the shallow end as the moms sipped their drinks and chatted about family pictures and vacations.

I felt blessed to share their joy even if it was only as a mere onlooker. The oldest girl was a third grader that I had worked with the year before at school. She had moved away and I hadn't seen her in a while. She and my cousin played and gabbed like all kids do.

Hubby didn't sit there long. He had been at a table reading. I could practically read his thoughts. I saw the glances he stole from time to time, pretending to be uninterested. He started to squirm and sigh. Then he got up and said he was going to go back to the house for a while. I asked him to stay, but I could see something in his eyes. It was like looking at a reflection of my own eyes. I didn't put too much pressure on him.

The Kid went home shortly after that and Hubby headed over to a buddy's house across the complex for a little while. As the door shut and the quiet settled in, I realized that I would never be able to pretend that I was happy with the life we had. I know it is the best thing for us and I will not waver in my determination to make a better life for us, but I thought that would help make it less painful. I realized that it only makes the pain more real and acute.

More than anything, it answered a question that has haunted the back of my mind for years. I'm sure it haunts many of our minds as we struggle on this heartbreaking journey. What if we just quit and didn't have any kids? What if this is all we get? I have been terrified by that question for a long time. Tonight I knew that somehow someway I have to be a mother. I'm not sure where my child or children will come from. I have no idea when it will happen, but I know one thing for certain. I will find my kids someday.

Post 223

So what's important about post 223? I'm not really sure. It just sounded like a cool number.

Anyhoo, guess who showed up at my bathroom door? Yup the lovely Mrs. AF. Her timing was impeccable. It was the first day that I started taking meds for a bladder infection run rampant. She always knows when to knock huh?

I think I sort of started her myself though and it raised a few questions for all of you.

I've been taking 1000mg of metformin for three years now. I take one 500 for breakfast and then right before bed. My gyn always takes care of that part of life for me and I never faltered in taking it. It was my miracle pill. It cured some crazy ailments that I never would have connected to my fertility status. My MD knew about said medication and never said anything about it until I came in with the shingles.

He said he hated met and asked me how I felt about it. He politely probed into our baby making progress (or lack there of) and suggested that perhaps I could cut my dose in half for a little while (He actually wanted me to quit it altogether, but I would hear none of that). Since I wasn't actively trying, there wasn't much need to have a regular cycle and "Met just makes people feel yucky," he said. I'll agree with that, but I've always been happy to pay the price for all the wonderful things it fixed. He checked my sugar numbers and continued to push a bit saying that 1000mg was entirely uneccesary for me. My sugar is on the low side.

I promised I would give it a try and went home with dread in my gut. After a week, I just forgot about it. Then all the nasty symptoms started rearing their head again. My scalp broke out in psoraisis again and my face broke out. I couldn't handle eating any carbs, but I got really hungry. AF missed her scheduled visitation. The hair on my legs started growing in faster than I could shave it off and any libido flew quickly out the nearest window.

Last week when I got a bladder infection, I raised my hands up in surrender and said enough was enough. I know the infection had nothing to do with met, but I needed to get my body under control. I called for some antibiotics and took my met twice that day and then the next. The next morning AF showed up and I am starting to feel normal.

I wish that we could have multiskilled docs that could do it all. It would be nice if my two docs could communicate their feelings with one another instead of me having to go through the whole history lesson each time I stepped up onto the table.

Have any of you found yourself in a similar situation where two docs don't see eye to eye on a certain protocol or med? What did you do?

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Stuck in the Cabin

So, it's been a bit. Sorry I haven't been posting as normally as I should. Hubby's comp is in the toilet and until we win the lottery, my computer has become his gaming station.

I looked forward to summer for most of the last month of school. I was excited to be free of the crazy politics and mind games going on at our school. It was a pretty picture to think of floating in the pool every afternoon and taking a much needed break.

Every year I do the same thing. I get excited about it. It finally gets here. I clear my books the first few days and make a big deal out of getting some much needed r and r. A week later, I'm ready to go back. I'm not an idle person. I don't like being without routine or structure.

The past few summers have been pretty simple. I was so focused on having a baby, that I hardly noticed the days fly by. I counted weeks and temps. I wasn't concerned about getting bored. This summer, only a couple of weeks in, and already I'm getting cabin fever. I'm cranky and frustrated. I'm out of books and sharing a comp with a gaming fanatic makes it worse.

In March, we hit a road block with our baby plans. We have to step back and regroup for a while. At first, I felt much like I do the last month of school. I was overjoyed to have a reason to throw the thermometer back in the drawer. I loved the carefree relations Hubby and I could once again share. Much like the arrival of summer though, I started to get antsy.

I spent so much time focused on operation baby. What the heck am I supposed to do now? It isn't that I don't have things. I could crochet. I could work with my plants, or write. I could walk, swim, whatever I want. Still, I find myself curled up on the couch with my frustration level mounting.

School will start in a few weeks and I will walk back into the double doors. This year I will not only be helping teach, I will be taught. I am certain that my idle hands will feel more at ease then. I have lots of things planned for the summer. I am working two days a week with my babies at church. Mom and I are making many trips to Amish country for fresh veggies to put up for winter. Dad made me a box for the balcony so I can grow my own fresh veggies too.

How do you pass the time when you take a break or find yourself stuck in the cabin?

Saturday, June 6, 2009

The Thing Under My Bed

From time to time I struggle with sleeplessness. I've never really struggled with things that go bump in the dark, but I do have a hard time with my mind. I create endless streams of conversation and mull over every detail of the day before I can fall asleep. Once I fall asleep, many times, my dreams are filled with what I call "My thing under the bed." It's that one thing that keeps me frustrated and revved up long after my bedtime. It causes me to wake up at two in the morning and pace the floors searching for a solution.

I thought I would share with you all what I most often pull out from under the bed of my mind. I battle with it more than anything else. It isn't scary, and truth be told, it isn't a bad thing for me. Surprisingly, I am most productive when I avoid going to sleep or wake up out of a sound sleep with this image seared into my eyelids.

Now I am not a published writer. Most likely because I am too chicken to offer up my hard fought sweat and tears for someone to criticize. Still, I spend a massive amount of my spare time, especially in the summer, writing and fighting that internal turmoil that comes with the territory. I love every second of it. I even enjoy being frustrated sometimes. I draw immense satisfaction from taking a tiny moment or idea and stretching it and weaving it into new faces and lives.

Right now my current sleeplessness is all thanks to a girl and her history. Character development is usually fairly easy for me. This girl apparently is very allusive and secret which ironically fits well with the personality I have etched out for her.

What is your "Thing Under the Bed?" What keeps your brain ticking and humming excitedly even when you are far beyond exhaustion?

After spilling your bed guts head over to Mel's and see what everyone else is showing and telling.

Show and Tell