Wednesday, January 8, 2014


I am humbled and amazed to be here today. January 8th is always a strange day for me. We celebrate our lives together, but we also agreed 11 years ago today that we wanted to start our quest for number three immediately after "I do". If only we had known then what sort of journey we were in for! We have celebrated ten bittersweet anniversaries marked with disappointment that we were still only two.

This year there will be no tears behind closed doors. Our day will not be shadowed by another 12 months of disappointment. It will instead shine with hope and overwhelming love! There were so many times I wanted to give up and let the heartache swallow me up, but now, finally on the other side of that broken rainbow, I realize that I would do it all a hundred times over for both of my guys!

Our little fella is such a miracle. My body was in no shape to have a baby and emotionally we had just experienced the biggest heartbreak of our lives when we lost Espe. Charlie made it though and we celebrated every single day I carried him, always with caution and fear in the background. In the end, the fear was overwhelming. The contractions I was having brought up terms like uterine rupture and decelerations. Cholestasis tacked on diminished fetal movement, stillbirth, meconium distress, and fetal demise. Every moment was terrifying and the closer we got to his arrival, the more I was afraid we would never have the opportunity to share our lives with the little person in my stomach.

His arrival was miraculous and the next few days were the happiest and the scariest days either of us have ever faced, but we had each other. The three of us clung tightly to one another and hubs and I prayed and fought hard to help our little guy adjust to the big world outside my belly.

God has blessed us abundantly.

Today we will not have a fancy dinner. Hubs will go to work and I will stay at home with Charlie providing spa services and an all you can eat buffet. We are not giving each other gifts this year and we won't mark the occasion with any special traditions or rituals. We both agree we have already received the best possible gift and celebration of our lives together and it's enough today just to be three.

Saturday, January 4, 2014


Our tiny little rainbow is here!

I was induced Monday morning due to Cholestasis at 38 weeks. We were in our room at 5am, the doctor came in at 5:30am to start things, and by 6am I was already hooked up to an IV with pitocin, contracting regularly, and my water was broken. That was about the extent of it all...

By 9am I was maxed out at 30 on the pitocin with very strong and regular contractions. I was not progressing beyond a one, but my contractions were really rough. I was afraid to get an epidural that early on, but my nurse finally convinced me that it was certainly warranted. I finally got the epi in around 11am and tried to rest as much as I could.

The baby started to have some serious issues, so I was put on oxygen, given something to help me relax, and flipped and flopped for a while to keep his heart rate up. It was finally decided at 4pm that I would have a csection. I never went beyond a centimeter. I was prepared for the possibility of a csection, but the announcement had me sobbing instantly. I was terrified to be separated from him.

The csection was rough. He refused to come down and they had to chase him out of there. I remember hearing the doctor laugh with the nurse because he absolutely refused to come out. All of the people in there apologized and tried to help me make it through the discomfort of pulling him out.

He struggled to breathe in the beginning. I was wheeled in to be with him, but could not hold or touch him. I finally had a chance about an hour later to hold him briefly before they took him to the nicu for another couple of hours to help him out. I was devastated and still cry about it now. That was honestly the longest two hours of my life!

We finally had our little guy with us, we were discharged, and less than 24 hours later he was readmitted for a very fast jump in his bilirubin. I had some engorgement issues becuase my milk just happened to come in full force during the whole doctor to hospital process, but after two days, we are once again home and happy. I am absolutely in love with this little person. The journey was a nightmare, but honestly I would do it a thousand times over for our little Charlie! My love and absolute adoration for him is more than I ever hoped for!

                                                         Our little Rainbow - Charlie
                                                              6lbs 15oz, 19.5in  long