Saturday, March 29, 2008
I closed my eyes for about five seconds and then that voice... that voice. The infertile one? She said... This is month 63. I told her she was only repeating herself but she just continued to push my buttons. She is such a bitch sometimes. Thankfully, the alarm went off a few minutes later and hubby finally got up. He knew. He didn't even ask. He just dutifully trudged in and dug it out for a second opinion (those rocket scientists and their telescopes are so unreliable!) and commenced to return it quietly. He peed and came back to bed for a morning hug.
With that number out in the open I realized that there was so much more to it than just 63 negatives or 63 failures. In fact that is far from the truth. Truth is, as wacky as my cycles are I've probably only had about half that many cycles and I've probably peed on twice as many sticks so that isn't a very representative number for my infertile journey.
I guess it was just something that kind of shocked me. There should have been 63 eggs in that time. There should have been 63 cycles. One of those surely should have worked. That's a long time folks. It is a hard thing to swallow. Five years is a single digit round number. When you put it in terms of months though it starts to look ugly to me. Do you realize that 63 months translates into almost 2000 days?
I see people that write letters to their children on their blogs. I consider them friends. I love their blogs and I read them daily and look forward to them. They write a letter each month journaling the milestones and changes that their child made that month. I hope when I have a child I can remember to do that. But, when I look at their children's faces and see how old they are in those letters it puts an age, a face, to my infertility. I guess it seems strange but for me it is a very sobering and sad thought. In August, everyone else with my number will be nervously walking a tiny person into kindergarten. I can only pray that by then I've simply seen two pink lines.
Friday, March 28, 2008
The radio was playing and the pups were sprawled at my feet. I was listening to the kids running around outside as the sun set and I was just going through blogs and surfing around. Before I realized what had happened I was sitting there with tears in my eyes and my heart was pounding.
I can't even tell you how I got there.
I managed to find my way to infertility clinics. I was looking up statistics for a new clinic I had not yet seen in a different state. My in laws live there and I couldn't help but shudder a bit at the image of me standing up in front of my class and telling my teacher that I had spent my summer with my in laws while my hubby helped me stab myself every day with hormones just to add a bit of challenge to an already stressful situation! Let's just throw some hormones in there with thousands of dollars and a risky procedure while on vacation eh?!? Anyone care to take an ice pick to their eyes?
I apologize for that tangent. I can't help myself sometimes, but it just goes to further prove my point. I can't help myself. I can't play a silly computer game. I can't listen to the radio or watch a non child related movie. I can't just sit still any more and be alone with myself. I didn't conciously intend to find that site but before I realized it I had already begun to formulate a plan. I had started trying to figure out if I could squeeze in two cycles during summer break and still have time between now and then to get the loan approved. I was trying to decide which in law to tell and whether I would tell them why I was visiting or just plead a need for a break from my family for a bit.
Before I knew it, there I was all worked up and nervous about something I knew I would never do. I'm not ready for that step yet. I've thought about it. I'm not even ready for clomid yet though! In my defense, we are trying to get my migraines under control before we subject my body to any more hormonal stress. It is obvious that with the severity of my migraines (and all three docs agree) that my body isn't handling the current state of my hormones well and to toss in some class A ovulation right now would probably cause my head to explode and frankly, I don't think I'm up to cleaning such a large mess if that were to happen!
Still, as I regained control of my inner infertile addict and told her to behave herself I realized that I never can just not think about it. She is a monster that one! I'm thinking I'm going to have to name her soon. Any ideas???
Thursday, March 27, 2008
The basics of her story for those of you who don't have time (although you should take the time! It is a wonderful story!) go as follows...
She and her husband got married fairly quickly and he wanted a large family very badly. She had PCOS and they found it difficult to conceive but through treatments and such (did not go into detail about this) they had a son. Her husband was smitten. He was in love with their son and their lives were full and perfect but of course things had to fall apart somewhere. The husband starts getting a pain in his leg and eventually they find out he has cancer and they have to start chemo immediately but allow them to freeze his sperm beforehand. The doctor will not allow them to try for a second child due to stress until the husband dies but after he dies the woman after several years goes for IVF and has a baby girl that looks much like her father.
By the end of the story I was crying (I do that a lot lately) and I realized that that man understood how precious his time was. Maybe not on a concious level but I think somehow he was aware.
I know that this wasn't really a story about infertility per se but I think it sums up our desperation. We see the numbers. We are faced with choices and statistics and odds every day. We have seen failure time and time again and we know what that feels like. We start to feel the clock tick. Every tick puts more fear and agony into our hearts. When will we run out of time. Will we be too late? Did we do enough early enough or too little too late? It is heart wrenching and I think it is nature's worst form of torture.
I know for me I feel that there is a second clock. Not only do I feel a clock ticking closer to an age where it is no longer a good idea for me to have a child, but I feel like there is a clock ticking away the moments I will have to spend here with my child. I want to meet my child here right now. I want every nanosecond I can squeeze in there. I want to soak in their scent and pour out my love for as long as I can and I feel like the longer it takes to get them here, the more time I am having to give up with them. The amount of frustration and pain that goes along with this is unbelievable. Sometimes, I feel like I have been swallowed up by it all.
We will have a chance someday to be with our child and I pray every single day. I pray that I remember this feeling. I pray that I never take a second for granted. I pray that I remember to stop and breath in the scent of her (or his) hair whenever I get a chance and to just be happy she (or he) is in my life.
My husband and I have faced so many challenges lately in our marriage and after many hours in the trenches trying to retrace and figure out where we went wrong I think we both realized we are lonely. We aren't lonely for each other. We love each other very much but our house is lonely. We get bored and we seek out other things to occupy our time. We push each other away trying to fill that hollow spot we both have. Once we realized what was happening (again) things have become easier and happier for both of us and we found the strength to go on.
Just a note of rambling and I'm done for a bit....
My new medicine is doing ok. The daily medicine is making me very naseated quite often. I had a post published but it seems it never made it. Oh well. I made it through one very nasty bout of migraines and thought all was good. I even had a visit from AF for about 12 hours I thought but she vanished very quickly. The migraines are creeping back in but there has been a good deal of stress so hopefully we can keep things calm and keep me medicated well enough to make it through. I'm not sure about AF. I'm wondering if the new meds have messed her up or something. I guess time will tell. I'll be sure to keep you posted. In the mean time, Our curtains stay blacked out and you have to tiptoe within 300 feet of our house!
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Note the glitter and shamrocks he also left littered all over the floor and tables. It was quite a mess he made! This was spread out through three classes and even went across the main hallway! What a booger that little green guy was!
I've been nursing a migraine since last night. I thought I would manage to sneak by this month without any but alas, I've been spotted and as a result I have been brought to my knees for nearly 24 hours with waves of agony. I can pick up my new meds on Thursday provided I don't shrivel up between now and then.
I will leave you with a couple more pictures. They are very dear and special to my heart. Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of my departure for Belarus. This small old fashioned country filled my heart and forever changed my life with its beautiful children and kind loving people. I am homesick today for those people and hope soon to be able to return and visit for a while again...
Sunday, March 16, 2008
I went to bed last night after sitting up talking to hubby for several hours. We just took a night to hang out on the bed with the pups and chit chat. It was wonderful to have that connection again. When we finally stretched out for the night (at 4 am lol) I was rather tired but for once I fell very quickly to sleep with happy thoughts floating around.
I dreamed last night and it was a glorious dream. It was one of those "vivid, so real you could smell the smells and hear the sounds" kind of dreams. I dreamed that I was at the hospital and they were wheeling me into an OR. The next thing I remember is hubby saying "Oh isn't she beautiful!" I was then fast forwarded into recovery where a doc was checking out my stitches and the nurse was telling me that everything was fine. I kept asking to see my baby and the nurse told me that it wasn't time yet. The nurse kept asking me to wiggle my toes and I kept saying "Look! I can wiggle my toes!" Finally she looked down (It confused me too but it is a dream right?) and saw my wiggling digits and told me I would be put in a room and that they would bring me the baby soon.
At this point I remember asking myself where hubby was and then it was all movie like where I could see what he was seeing and doing. It was like I had become him. He walked to the nursery and looked frantically at all the babies. He kept thinking "No that isn't ours. That one definitely doesn't belong to us...where is she.." The nurse saw him and held up the baby she was working with and gave him a questioning look. He shook his head and went around the corner to see from a different angle. In the window he saw a warmer where they take the newest ones to be cleaned and checked when they first get in the nursery and he could just make out the first letter in our name on the paper beside her. He ran back around the corner to get a better look and sure enough. She was ours.
She was a squirmy little thing and a bit bigger than some of the other babies but not a large baby by any means. She was scrunching up her face and wriggling her arms and legs and then....
She turned her head and caught hubby's/my eye. She just froze there and looked into my eyes and I into hers. That moment.....
I have thought about the first time I saw my baby many times but I've not really taken time to imagine that moment when we lock eyes for the first time. It took my breath away. I woke up this morning with tears in my eyes and a tiny teeny shard of hope. I have a taste now even if it is only a dream and I can't let it go. These dreams I guess are called dreams because they give us a taste of what is to come and hope to keep going when we reach the end of the rope for the last one. Maybe eventually we can chain enough dreams together that they come full circle and finally come true all at once....
Happy Saint Patrick's Day tomorrow! This is one of my favorite holidays! Hubby's birthday is the 18th, my fav color is green, and rainbows are so important to me. It is also the time of the year when I can finally brush the cold off and get ready for spring so it usually signifies my winter blues melting away and happy days to follow! I hope you can get as much happiness and fun out of it as me!
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
My mom called in sick yesterday and I took her class. We have a shortage of substitutes these days so the assistants have to step in and take over. I took the kids outside yesterday and it was beautiful! The sun was shining and despite a bit of mud, it was perfect!
I came home and immediately yanked my husband back outside for a couple of walks around the complex. We took the pups and had a blast! I feel so much better when I can get some sun and air. We came in last night and despite our best efforts to stay on task with our video gaming and such we both gravitated toward the bed for a quiet moment with open windows.
I opened all of the windows up last night and a storm blew in a couple of hours before bed. We just lay there in silence snuggled up listening to the rain and thunder. I slept so good last night! I love this time of year and I am very upset at the thought of the last freeze or two we have before spring officially makes her debut. But... She is on her way. She made this very clear to me and I am so excited about her impending arrival that I think I can hang on for a few more days!
Mom is still out sick today and I'm pretty sure I'll have her class again today but that's ok. I feel like I can manage so much with the windows open. It is a good thing too. I have a lot to handle right now.
Hubby has an interview this morning. The money isn't great but for now it will pay the electric company and that's all I'm freaking about really. Hopefully he will get this job and we can start the long road back up again. We are on rocky sandy ground right now and I'm not sure what is going to happen. I'm as honest as I can be with it though. I've just dealt with as much as I can and my heart has closed a bit. I guess we'll see what happens. With the windows open it is much easier to air out the reality of situations though so perhaps we can get through.