Saturday, February 26, 2011


Our family forming decisions have been made. Until I am finished with college, it just isn't a good idea to add such a high level of stress and commitment to our plates. I want to enjoy our children when we finally get them. Having a workable plan in place with a solution that doesn't rely on my broken body, gives me great peace. It doesn't cure the ache, but it does ease it.
Until then, our home is quiet and a bit lonely. For a long time we have relied on our pups to fill the empty spaces in our lives. People laugh and we joke with them about the way we refer to our babies. They are for now, our children and they get treated that way. If one of the pups is sick, one of us takes a day off to care for them. If we go on vacation, they come with us. They are our family.

When we first moved back here, I had a cat. I loved that cat. I rescued him from the cardboard compactor where I worked. He had some issues, and he and Hubby did not get along at all. When someone shot him, I was resigned to never owning another kitty. Hubby didn't particularly like them and I didn't want to bring one into a place that couldn't give him or her unconditional love from both parents.

A couple of weeks ago, we went to this big pet store to get some things for my aquarium. It was a Saturday, adoption day, and there were doggies everywhere. Beside the aquarium supplies, there was a spot where they house kitties that are available for adoption. We played with them through the window, laughed, and went on. I had almost forgotten about it until last week when Hubby brought up a bribe. If I went with him to dinner, he would get me the kitty we looked at. I of course went to dinner with him, but refused the idea of getting a kitty.

During supper, Hubby continued to convince me that we needed a kitty. I thought he was nuts. He really wanted one. We weren't sure we could even have another pet in our apartment. We agreed to look into it and left it at that.

Wednesday night all night I dreamed over and over about asking the manager of our complex about a kitty. On the way home from work I decided that if she said yes, it was meant to be, if she said no, it wasn't. I had reservations about adding another member to our family and another level of responsibility. While Hubby really wanted one and I knew I should take advantage of this, I didn't know if I wanted one right now. The manager would make the decision for me. I nervously walked into her office and waited for her no. I reminded her that we had two puppies, not one, but she still said it would be perfectly fine. I asked her how much the deposit would be, expecting that to be the negative factor. Hubby would never want to pay another $150 deposit. She continued to surprise me by waiving the fee.

I raced up the stairs to tell Hubby. Without hesitation he told me to grab my laptop, we had a kitty to find. We did a Pet.finder search and found a shelter nearby. Hubby had decided he wanted a long haired kitty this time around. This shelter had two long haired kitties. A kitten and an adult. We didn't want a kitten and neither of us were really that in love with the adult at first sight, so I figured we would just keep looking. I looked at the shelter's site and realized they had a large number of kitties at the moment and they were waiving the adoption fee for their fixed kitties.

We took another look at their available kitties and Hubby took a second look at the adult long haired they had available. She was the one he wanted. I thought she looked a bit funny in her pictures, but I thought if he wanted this one, I needed to go with it. We threw shoes on and raced to the shelter but it closed early on Wednesdays, so on Thursday I took a half day off work and went to get the newest member of our family.

The place was tiny and they had lots of cats and dogs. I didn't even look at any of the other kitties there. I asked about the one, they opened her cage, and I just knew. She was beautiful. For whatever reason, she was supposed to be ours. It's hard to explain that to a lot of people, but I just knew. I brought her home and although there are still issues with the puppies, and she exhibits classic signs of a shelter or rescue kitty, she is settling in and quickly adjusting. She is getting very used to an endless supply of love and petting. She has even begun to explore and establish her own places in the house. I am head over heels in love and more importantly, so is Hubby!

This is how I view adoption, be it animals or children. I think God already knows how our family will work out. He knows who will be here and when. Our child or children, when they finally come, no matter how they come, were always meant to be here. I love that.

Penny was an unexpected surprise, but she is definitely where she is supposed to be. It is amazing to me how she just fits here. She is just one puzzle piece that has found its place.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Interesting Results

I had bloodwork done a couple of weeks ago. I always get nervous with PCOS about my sugar readings although I never have had any issues with that.

I had a really rough day yesterday, so I decided to take today off and move my follow up appointment up a couple of days. It gave me a chance to unwind, catch up on some homework, and breathe. I wasn't prepared for the lab results I got back though.

My sugar was great. Perfectly normal, on the low side of normal actually.

On the other hand, my vitamin D was almost non existent. The doc was very concerned about it. He immediately put me on a double dose of supplements and told me to seek out sunshine. (HA!)

It made sense to me that I struggle so much with seasonal depression, but I was surprised that the levels were so low.

I'm really glad he ordered those labs. I now have ample medical reasoning to back up my plan to move to Bermuda!

Sunday, February 13, 2011

We Got the White Stuff

Just for the record, I am sick to death of the white stuff.

We have had more snow than I can ever remember in my whole life. In fact, we had the largest accumulation ever seen in my lifetime this year. It was really exciting.... for the first two days.

First there was the white Christmas, then the really huge snow that kept us out of school for an entire week. After that, three more snow days thanks to the cold white slippery stuff. Now, I know what you are thinking. If I work in an elementary school, shouldn't I be loving the whole snow day thing? I mean, I get out of school for the day, to curl up with cocoa and my algebra homework while Hubby toils away down the hall in his office. What could be better right?

Initially, this was true. I've had a really rough school year. I haven't enjoyed my job very much this year which is very disturbing for me. I'm working my buns off for a degree doing something I truly love. To loathe going to work each day is a serious challenge right now, however I know that it is merely the circumstance I am in right now and not my passion for what I do. Unfortunately, this makes going to work even harder.

Truth be told, since Christmas, I have cried at least once a week before going to work in the mornings (ok so two or three times a week).

Are you seeing where this is going? It took me weeks...

Not only did work cause problems, but the mere thought of delving head first into another brain-cramming semester made my heart race. I was a horrible person to be around the week before Christmas break ended. I was a miserable, anxious, weepy mess. One year earlier I was cherishing precious, but fearful final moments with my granfather amidst two jobs, and a full time college semester. That anxiety came back with every fluttering flake of snow.

School started, then college, then the snow. The more time off I had, the more I dreaded a day away from home. Honestly, I wanted nothing more than to curl up under the covers in my warm cozy bed and never leave home. I couldn't sleep, but I was exhausted all the time. My cycle even got out of whack.

A couple of weeks ago, with more snow in the forecast, my anxiety hit an all time high. Hubby was so sweet. He stayed up until nearly two in the morning because I was simply terrified. Of everything! I worried that I might crash into someone on the half mile drive to work. I worried that Hubby would die in the middle of the night and leave me alone. I worried that my math homework submission didn't go through. I worried that someone would come over before I had a chance to do the dishes. It was a nightmare... without the sleep.

That night, I finally drummed up the courage and announced to Hubby that I was taking a sick day and I was going to the doctor. He reluctantly agreed. I've managed to be off medication for 8 years.

I can't lie. The feeling of defeat was immense. I really struggled, and I still do, with the fact that I couldn't find a way to make it on my own. I feel like I let Hubby and my family down. I've always been the one everyone relied on and now I'm broken. What would they do? I also feel like I let our future children down. There's no way we can take on the stress of adoption right now, and what if they don't let us adopt because I can't handle life? It's frustrating to say the least and only adds to the anxiety I am working so hard to get rid of.

I'm almost two weeks into the medicine. I'm on a really low dose for now. I can feel it starting to help, which is a huge relief. I can finally breathe sometimes without an elephant sitting on my chest. I still have bad days. In fact right now I count life in moments and I have frequent bad moments, but things are getting better. Despite all of the feelings of defeat and failure, I wish I had done this months ago. I should have asked for help when I first realized things were going to be bad.

I'm biding my time right now. I savor every moment of sunshine. I work hard to make myself find a positive note for each day. I'm trudging one slow step at a time through the thick mud of winter. I'm working hard to wish away the white stuff and bring on the green stuff. Spring, you couldn't come any sooner!

Monday, February 7, 2011

Pray for Noah

I know I haven't posted in months. School is unbelievably hard right now and a few things have taken priority unfortunately with any additional spare time. I miss you all. Hopefully, I can squeeze in my posting time from now on....

I need your help!

I don't remember if I wrote about this or not, but the girl that I run the nursery with at church was pregnant. A couple of months before her due date the doctors found an upper hernia in the baby. I don't know the technical or medical terms, but basically his organs had slipped up through a hole in his abdominal cavity and were crowding out his lungs and his heart. They gave him 0% survival chance.

Of course this would be devastating for any one, but she has already had a similar experience. She has a teenage daughter and a few years ago she ended up pregnant. Six weeks before the baby was due it died and they had her carry it until she went into labor.

I watched her work hard not to bond with this baby throughout her pregnancy. Just as her guard started to fall and she started to openly talk about the baby and even name him, she found out he was sick. When this happened you could see her resolve harden. Then she saw another specialist.

The specialist told her it was a grave situation but that he thought they had a 50/50 shot. They would do everything humanly possible for this little fella. We've been praying endlessly since.

He was born just before Thanksgiving. Things seemed okay at first. They did surgery though and were unable to separate his one good lung from his liver. It keeps him from being able to breathe on his own. He's been on a ventilator so he can grow and get stronger since then.

Not once has his mother come home. She's been by his side every step of the way. I can't imagine.

This week Noah took a turn for the worse. He has developed a lung infection from what I understand and they moved him to an oscillator hoping that would help. They had to sedate him because just touching him would send his numbers pin balling. This afternoon they updated us to say he is now on an ECMO (a lung, heart bypass machine). I'm not sure what their plans are, but they could use every prayer possible!

I can't bear the thought of her losing another baby. It is terrible to think that she has had this long to fall in love with this baby, aching for the moment she could hold him and take him home, only to lose him. If ever there was a group of women to understand where she is right now it's all of you!

I've not gotten a chance to see this little guy in person, but I have visited several times. She brings me out pictures on her cell phone every time so we can see how much he's grown. I just love him. He is such a beautiful baby. I pray that he can overcome this stumbling block and come home soon!