Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Thursday's Looming

We're supposed to have our first appointment in two days. We made it to 8 weeks and so far things are going well. Despite my caution and fear, I am really starting to feel hopeful that things will turn out okay this time. It's so scary. I try to only count moments and to remind myself that every moment is a blessing I didn't have moments before. I want so much to embrace the peace I feel about the whole thing sometimes, but then just as my guard drops, I remember Espe. I remember the journey we have had to follow to get here.

So far, aside from the fear and caution things are good. I thought I would feel the same way that I did last time, especially since there was so little time between the two of them. Truth is, it's completely different. For one, I never got this far with Espe, so everything I'm experiencing now is new.

Morning sickness is different. It's more intense and it's really random. It can happen at any time, mostly if I let myself get hungry. I haven't actually gotten sick, but the nausea gets really intense to the point that I just have to stop and sit for a few minutes until it passes.

I sleep all the time. I have to have naps. There isn't really a choice. If I skip a nap I start to feel really icky and I have fallen asleep in the middle of things. Last week I dozed off during a card game with friends. I'm trying to just let my body do what it wants to do. School is out for the summer, so I am very fortunate I don't have to work for a few weeks and I can rest when I need to, or eat when I need to. It's nice to have that flexibility.

My mom did buy something for the baby last week. It terrified me at first, but I consider it a "faith purchase". She bought it because she's convinced this one is going to be okay. She got the sweetest little blanket with a monkey on the bottom of it. Hubs loved it. We tucked it away in the baby stash for now. I haven't allowed myself to shop or look at any baby stuff yet, but I really want to. I want to be excited and enjoy this as much as I can. For now I'm just going to keep counting moments.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013


Today, according to the dates I have down, I am seven weeks. I know to most people that doesn't seem like much of a milestone, but we never quite made it to seven weeks with Espe. The last u/s they did of him showed him at 6 wks 4 days. It is hopefully the first of many wonderful milestones we will get to experience in the next few months.

This weekend was really scary for us. Saturday I woke up to some cramping and a bright red smear on the toilet paper. My heart broke in two and I just lost it. Thursday and Friday I had seen just the teeniest bit of brown. I took it really easy at work and it subsided. I thought it was fine. Then Saturday happened. I was so afraid that we were going to experience a repeat. I called the ob on call and he reassured me that everything was most likely fine. He told us that there was no real need to go to the ER if it did get worse, but to take it easy and go in for a visit with my regular ob on Monday. I planted myself on the couch and we waited.

It stopped Saturday night. I was still cramping some, so I opted not to go to church on Sunday (translation: Hubs practically glued me to the couch and refused to let me go anywhere). Still I had no issues Sunday. It never went beyond just a slight discoloration on the toilet paper, but the fear and dread was overwhelming. I was so afraid. Thankfully, it's almost Wednesday and things seem to be okay for now. I know that can change at any second though and I hate that I'm so fearful.

I did call my doc. I talked to the nurse and we both agreed that since things had stopped, it wasn't really necessary for me to come in. She scheduled me an appointment for the 30th of May. I told her we were really planning on waiting and she just repeated the May 30th appointment when I would be 8 weeks and giggled. Hubs and I are both terrified to go to the doctor though. I'm not sure why. I think part of it is fear that we will fall in love with something we might lose again. Seeing that first picture of Espe was unbelievable. We are both scared this time to connect as strongly right now with this one, although I already love her with just as much passion as I had with Espe.

I think for now, I am just going to be thankful for and enjoy each second as it passes, knowing the next could change our lives forever.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Henny Penny

Even as a kid I remember wondering how in this world a chicken, or any other bird for that matter could just sit all day and wait on her eggs to hatch. I considered that a horrible insight on God's part to force her to sit patiently and quietly waiting for what must seem like eternity. I think I realized this morning that there was no mistake at all.

I am smitten with this little sea monkey. It was the same way with Espe. I want to know everything there is to know about what is going on in there. This early in the game, there isn't a lot to report though. I recognized that urge to constantly wonder as this huge desire to be with my sea monkey. I am perfectly content to sit all day and dream and visit with her (her for now). I think about her 24/7. I would love nothing more than to hold her in my hands and watch anxiously for the next 8 months. I guess that love is what keeps a hen on her nest and a robin sitting still.

I am struggling with fear over my little one lately. I am only a few short days from when we lost Espe last time and I get this icky feeling in the pit of my stomach if I think about it. Sometimes I get a bit neurotic. Every cramp, twinge, or ache sends me running to the bathroom to check for bleeding. I almost wish that I could go to sleep and stay that way until at least our first appointment in June.

That appointment is four weeks away. I'm not sure how I'll manage to wait that long. The doctor told us 8 weeks, but 10 weeks feels so much safer to me. Our odds of something happening drop significantly and there are tiny arms and legs, and she will be moving. If I can hold out that long I think I will feel better seeing her at 10 weeks than I would at 8. I just can't imagine waiting so long! I don't know how in this world I will manage to make it for the next 8 months!

Sunday, May 12, 2013

I have to tell someone....

So, the past couple of weeks have been interesting!

It started with an incident at dinner while I was out with my sister and future sister-in-law for a girls' night. Then there was an issue with half a peanut butter sandwich for breakfast one morning. That same week I went through four bras to find one that I could wear to work and I cried through an episode of Deadliest Catch. I warned hubs....

Poor guy. We had agreed to test on Friday. I told him I didn't even need to test. He assured me that it was just me obsessing. I wanted it too badly. Thursday, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I figured if it turned out negative I could spend the night alone crying and dealing if that was necessary. If it was positive, I would have one heck of a surprise for hubs.

Turns out... I floored him at his dinner break!

It didn't take long for both those beautiful pink lines to pop up on the test. I cried, called my mom, cried, called his mom, then planned my surprise.

I packed his lunch and stuck the test in a baggie on top of his lunch. It was almost more than I could bear, waiting for him to come to supper. He threw the test down and sat silently for about ten minutes. It was hilarious.

He's taking this very quietly. We both are. We're very nervous I think about this one. I'm not as stressed about it this time though. I'm pretty laid back. There isn't any urgency. I'm just taking it one day at a time. We're planning on waiting till about ten weeks to go to the doctor.

This time I know when and how far along. We didn't really try. I was still reeling from Espe and it slipped by. I knew there was a chance but I wasn't really hopeful about it.

Please send all your good thoughts and prayers and wishes our way. I really want this sea monkey to stick around.