Sunday, August 16, 2009

What a pill....

AF showed up a couple of weeks ago. In her natural fashion she showed up weeks late (thankfully only two) and now she has decided to hang out and have an extended vacation. I want her to go away. I have cut out all sugar, white flour, taters, corn products, sodas, and anything else that doesn't resemble cardboard in order to convince her to behave. Still, she remains.

Normally, this is no biggie. I just put in a call to my doc, take the necessary dose of provera and move on. This time, I just can't. I don't know how to explain it without sounding ridiculous, I mean medicine is only medicine, but I can't take provera. For one thing, it does horrible hideous things to my body. AF resembles a red version of that huge marshmallow dude in Ghost Busters, and the pain is a whole other issue. Even that I could manage though.

I just can't face the feeling of being back in the swing of things. I can't deal with making my body do something it very obviously can't do. I don't want to sit here drowning in pools of sweat, pleading with the heavens to make it snow in August, wondering the whole time if I might accidentally ovulate after it is all over. It makes my stomach lurch at just the thought.

Hubby has thrown more than a few jests my way, claiming that the first day of class I will take a pregnancy test, only to find it positive. Now I know that this is not going to happen. I fear that it will happen, but the odds are very heavily stacked against it. It feel so strange to be so against something that I have pleaded with God for every day for years, but I don't want to raise my baby in the life that I am living right now. I currently have three jobs and a full time college schedule. I would have no time to enjoy what I want to cherish so much.

All of that aside, my body is not working. The met is doing nothing for me. The only way that I was able to even mildly slow my flowing river was to cut out anything my husband would eat. Now I cook two meals, shop for two, and watch him drown his fries in ketchup, while I scarf down yet another salad or bunless chicken sandwich.***

I started thinking about all this the other day and wondered how wonderful it would be to only have to worry about a small period every few months. I wondered if the new versions of birth control pills could be better than the horrid stuff I took ten years ago. That stuff made me nuts. I can't explain it. I was just insane. It is the one reason I am not on it right now. I didn't want to think about adding a new level of insanity to my already heightened level of crazy, amidst a wacko schedule this year. Still, I find myself leaning towards that more and more.

How decadent it would feel to plan for a period only four or five times a year without having to carry a bucket around and a covered wagon full of pads. I would feel like a normal woman for once and Hubby could no longer taunt me with threats of miraculous conception.

What do ya think? Anyone have any experience to add to the mix?

I'm sorry I've been gone so much lately. This three job thing has gotten a little out of hand lately. I think I have solved that problem. Hopefully, things will be a little more manageable from now on.

***Don't get me wrong. I know there are plenty of things to cook and eat that are truly wonderful and fit within the healthy PCOS guidelines, however with only five hours a day to eat sleep and bathe, it hasn't been possible to cook two meals and take the time (or money) to shop for "safe" foods.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Got the Dough!

I am so excited. I have been a little quiet lately because stress is really dragging me down. I have three jobs and I am about to take on being a full time student. Then there are all of those wifely duties too. It's a little overwhelming.

Money is one major thing that is weighing me down right now. I know most of us are stressed a bit about money, but right now I am the sole income for Hubby and me, and I worry that I won't be able to keep up once all of this school stuff falls into place. I wasn't even sure that I would be able to go back to school until today.

I started the whole paper process back in February, just as soon as we got our taxes back. I've been calling and faxing several times a week ever since. School starts in just a couple of weeks and I was getting really worried that I wouldn't get the money I needed to be able to go. I haven't been able to sleep, and simple purchases freak me out because money is on my brain.

Today, after months of waiting, I finally got a confirmation that I did indeed receive enough money to pay for my tuition and my books! Yay! I instantly felt like I lost about twenty pounds off my shoulders, and I immediately called to set up a time to register for my classes.

Every single person I have talked to for several weeks has griped that I didn't have my student id yet or an idea about what classes I would take. This is where a little of my IF struggle came into the mix. I snapped at one lady a couple of days ago, after she berated me for the millionth time about my student id. I told her there was no way that I was going to sign up and get all hopeful that I could actually attend this semester, until she showed me my tuition money.
For once, that method actually worked out to my benefit!

Does anyone else do that? Do you put other aspects of your life on hold, unable to hope that it will turn out positively, because of your experiences with IF?