Ever feel like you are swimming to catch up with the boat, that hasn't noticed you fell overboard? That is my life right now. I just don't feel like I will ever be back on that boat, headed for sunny beaches and hot cabana boys in tight shorts.
My grandfather is very sick right now. We are pretty sure there isn't much time left. My grandmother on my dad's side is quickly becoming more demanding and frustrating as her mind very slowly slips away.
In addition to all of that, this semester I chose (not knowing what I was getting myself into) to take several writing intensive classes. I have a hard time with depression in the winter and I was hoping that the writing would give me the out that I needed to get through unscathed.
All of these things had to happen despite the medical nightmare that we have been dealing with since September. This is one reason why I haven't blogged much lately. I'm just trying to stay afloat. The other reason: I couldn't talk about it. My whole life revolves around getting better, making my body healthy enough to work on its own without all of the hormone medications and schedules. The less I talked about it, the better.
I am better now. I can feel my body trying to work on its own already. I am a long way from my goal, but the effects are wonderful.
Today I took the time to catch up on homework and reading assignments, visit with my grandfather, and finish up several projects. For the first time in weeks I feel as if someone finally noticed I've fallen off the boat. Maybe I will catch up after all.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
No Excuse
There is absolutely no reason why it has been nearly three months since I posted. I've started to a hundred times. Every time, I would log in, hands poised to type up a new post, and then I would just freeze. I think some of it had to do with impending test results and all of the crazy that has now become my life thanks to my ridiculous desire to become a mother. I'm over it now, test results are in, and life will move on.
If you don't remember, our last episode ended with the heroine Arian sitting in the doctor's office nodding numbly as he told her that there was a grave possibility that she had uterine cancer and would most likely forfeit any hope of having a biological child if something did not dramatically change over a period of 12 weeks. The 12 weeks dragged on in an agonizing tempo of torture and I sweated and worried to the beat the entire time. Thanksgiving came and went, finals were taken (and passed!), and we prepared for Christmas.
Christmas was more than just a holiday this year. It was a time of anxious anticipation, hope, and trepidation. My biopsy was scheduled for the 21st. We knew we would most likely have to suffer through the holiday wondering about the future of our family. Despite the nurse's promise that we would have the results the next day, we trudged from house to house the week of Christmas, tucking an anxious little secret in our back pockets while we tried to smile and enjoy the time with family.
Two days before the new year we finally got a call.
All Clear!
Everything is completely clear and we have a new plan of action that for a moment even involved the discussion of birth control! If all goes well, we hope to begin a new round of clomid (if necessary) in May. The doctor and I have some different feelings about what is happening to my body, but I hope to goodness that he wins. He swears by May that we will no longer need to use Clomid and that my body will begin to work normally. I'm just happy to know that we will finally have a fighting chance for the Clomid to work this time.
We have a lot of work to do between now and May for this plan to work, but I am well on my way. So far, since Sept. 25th I have managed to drop 37 pounds and I'm still counting. I always shy away from discussing my weight here because I have so many issues with it in the real world, and I dread bringing all of that here, but I think it is important to do so now.
I will share things a little more in detail over the next few days, but I couldn't stand the thought of leaking out all the good news in tiny morsels.
If you don't remember, our last episode ended with the heroine Arian sitting in the doctor's office nodding numbly as he told her that there was a grave possibility that she had uterine cancer and would most likely forfeit any hope of having a biological child if something did not dramatically change over a period of 12 weeks. The 12 weeks dragged on in an agonizing tempo of torture and I sweated and worried to the beat the entire time. Thanksgiving came and went, finals were taken (and passed!), and we prepared for Christmas.
Christmas was more than just a holiday this year. It was a time of anxious anticipation, hope, and trepidation. My biopsy was scheduled for the 21st. We knew we would most likely have to suffer through the holiday wondering about the future of our family. Despite the nurse's promise that we would have the results the next day, we trudged from house to house the week of Christmas, tucking an anxious little secret in our back pockets while we tried to smile and enjoy the time with family.
Two days before the new year we finally got a call.
All Clear!
Everything is completely clear and we have a new plan of action that for a moment even involved the discussion of birth control! If all goes well, we hope to begin a new round of clomid (if necessary) in May. The doctor and I have some different feelings about what is happening to my body, but I hope to goodness that he wins. He swears by May that we will no longer need to use Clomid and that my body will begin to work normally. I'm just happy to know that we will finally have a fighting chance for the Clomid to work this time.
We have a lot of work to do between now and May for this plan to work, but I am well on my way. So far, since Sept. 25th I have managed to drop 37 pounds and I'm still counting. I always shy away from discussing my weight here because I have so many issues with it in the real world, and I dread bringing all of that here, but I think it is important to do so now.
I will share things a little more in detail over the next few days, but I couldn't stand the thought of leaking out all the good news in tiny morsels.
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