Sunday, April 18, 2010


I've been such a bad poster, but I'm having serious issues right now. I really need some help I think trying to deal with all of this. I've been hiding out since last March and I just can't do it anymore.

Last March was our last real attempt at having a baby. I was at my wit's end and a month after that last try I ended up with the shingles. The doc explained that it was my body's way of telling me to chill out. We decided to step away from ttc for the summer and take it easy. Then September came and I had surgery. It all went downhill from there.

I backed myself further and further into a dark corner and tried to pretend nothing was wrong. I worked hard to convince people that I was taking care of myself for a while and putting ttc on the back burner was my choice. I smiled and spent a couple of months convincing everyone around me that I was okay and I was happy about what was happening to me. I quit posting here because the cursor demanded the truth and I couldn't even look at the truth in print without this huge fear that I would fall apart.

More than a year later and fifty pounds lighter, I realized things are no different. I didn't save myself from any pain at all. I didn't even tell Hubby last month when I skipped out on my refill and missed a cycle of provera. I snuck a pregnancy test into the bathroom when I was a week late and angrily refused to cry when no line appeared. Three days later the test proved true and I found myself wanting to curl up in a ball and give up. I'm sitting here typing to you now with fresh shingles scars and a very real threat of a new flair up. Doc told me it was the stress from school. I know some of it is from the residual winter anxiety that never went away after my grandfather died.

I tried hard to be stoic and brave in the beginning, when that didn't work I thought I would hide and defiantly deny any desire to expand our two to three. Truth is I am a huge ball of mess. I hate this. I'm not sure how many more days I can walk into this house and be greeted by silence. I heard a speaker at a Women of Joy Conference I went to two weeks ago. She said "I don't want this to be my story". I burst into tears at that comment. Her story had nothing to do with mine, but it was so true. It is what I have felt all along. This shouldn't be my story. This wasn't my plan. Give this story to someone who doesn't want kids.

I dream all the time that I am standing in an open field shouting at the heavens with my fists raised in anger demanding that someone send us our child. Just an fyi, that doesn't work either.

I met up with a very dear and special person last night. He and his wife saw me through some of the darkest times of my life. They chose early on not to have any children at all. He made a comment last night that it was the best decision they ever made. I never said a word. I just sat back and thought "Could Hubby and I ever be happy with that life? What if we spend all of this time hoping and praying only to find that we have wasted our lives chasing a broken rainbow?" The thought was too much to bear and I ordered another round.

Sometimes I wish I had never wanted a child. I think if I can just convince myself that I would be happy without one that I could just move on and forget all of this pain. I feel guilty because God has blessed me with a chance to love so many children that needed me in one way or another when their parents couldn't. Why can't that be enough?

I know thanks to all of you wonderful ladies in the trenches with me and those of you who have been there before that I am not alone. These feelings are okay. Still, how do you go on with life when you have this painful poison stirring inside of you? Is there a way to make it all okay again?


missing_one said...

*hugs* first of all, I am so sorry you haven't felt like writing in this space. I hope maybe you can come back here because writing about the truth can be very 'lightening' and in a safe space, it can do wonders, just to get it out instead of holding the poison in.
I hear in your voice that this burden is weighing you down. I have been there. We tried and failed after Jessica died. It got to the point where I stopped letting hubby know what was going on. I, too, lost a ton of weight that year and my crutch was drinking and exercising until I didn't feel anymore.
For me, I gave up on TTC. I filed it in the shelf of 'later to be dealt with'. I had done Clomid, and temping and OPKs and it was all too stressful. I ordered my BC pills and took them. Then one month, I decided not to take them.
We finally conceived on the 2 year anniversary and it stuck.
It's ok to shelf things. It's ok to not know whether to expect to be childless or to hope for a child. The unknowing is the bitch of it.
*hugs* I'm just so sorry for the pain, hon. Keep writing.

Kristin said...

Lots and lots of {{{hugs}}}. Honestly, when I hit that deep dark place was when I ended up on anti-depressants for about 5 months.

The Lynchs said...

I'm so, so sorry that you're feeling this way. I've been there, and I truly understand everything you're going through.

A dear friend told me during my "dark" days, to imagine me at ninety years old. Imagine that I'd spent so much of my life wanting a baby, that I lost focus on the things that mattered most in my life. Would I regret it? That really put things into perspective for me. Every single day is literally an effort. I have to remind myself to be appreciative and happy of my life just as it is for now, and I do this with the hope that one of these days, I'll be blessed with a precious miracle. It's definitely not easy though.

I hope you keep venting here - it IS a safe place, and so many of us know where you're at.