Friday, June 11, 2010

Negative

I have a secret. I haven't taken my provera since April. It started out innocent enough. I just put off getting the script refilled for a few days, then a week went by. I wanted to set my visit from af up for a better week of the month I kept telling myself.

April came and went, then May, I held my breath. AF never once reared her ugly head. Red flags should have been screaming at me to take my meds, but I opted out for the underdog - hope. I stopped at the store on multiple occasions to buy a test, but chickened out every time. What's the harm in another week I would think.

June came into focus and I started to get a little nervous. Hubby finally said something and we both agreed I should test. I did once. I threw it away after two minutes, came back later for a shower and there were two lines. I rolled my eyes and waited another week.

Which brings me to today....

I thought I would burst as I waited in line, still in my pajamas at the dollar store just down the street from our house. I had to pee so terribly bad, but I just needed to get through the checkout line. Of course there were six people in front of me, and one cashier. I've never had to wait in line at this store for more than one or two people and I've lived here my whole life!

Got home, finally got the drops into the test, pulled out a wad of tp, and after three stinking months, there she is. Yes af had dropped by. I'm sure she was just dying to see the look of disappointment on my face as I stared at the stark white window.

Hope hopped on a plane and flew to another country this morning.

Unfortunately, this isn't the most horrible part of this whole mess. I was on provera to keep things out of my uterus, namely cancer. I haven't taken it in more than three months. I can scarcely breathe when I think about the buildup of sick cells in my body right now. How could I have been so stupid? I've called in my script already and I guess we'll start over, but this time there will be no hope in this house to get us through the tough times.

4 comments:

Kristin said...

Lots of {{{hugs}}} Arian.

The Lynchs said...

I'm so sorry. I know that feeling of hopelessness all too well, and it absolutely sucks.

Sending some hugs and vitual chocolate your direction though!

cysteract said...

Sending you so many hugs xx

Aunt Tonnye said...

So sorry -- I understand; been there a time or two myself. Praying and sending blessings!