Sunday, February 13, 2011

We Got the White Stuff

Just for the record, I am sick to death of the white stuff.

We have had more snow than I can ever remember in my whole life. In fact, we had the largest accumulation ever seen in my lifetime this year. It was really exciting.... for the first two days.

First there was the white Christmas, then the really huge snow that kept us out of school for an entire week. After that, three more snow days thanks to the cold white slippery stuff. Now, I know what you are thinking. If I work in an elementary school, shouldn't I be loving the whole snow day thing? I mean, I get out of school for the day, to curl up with cocoa and my algebra homework while Hubby toils away down the hall in his office. What could be better right?

Initially, this was true. I've had a really rough school year. I haven't enjoyed my job very much this year which is very disturbing for me. I'm working my buns off for a degree doing something I truly love. To loathe going to work each day is a serious challenge right now, however I know that it is merely the circumstance I am in right now and not my passion for what I do. Unfortunately, this makes going to work even harder.

Truth be told, since Christmas, I have cried at least once a week before going to work in the mornings (ok so two or three times a week).

Are you seeing where this is going? It took me weeks...

Not only did work cause problems, but the mere thought of delving head first into another brain-cramming semester made my heart race. I was a horrible person to be around the week before Christmas break ended. I was a miserable, anxious, weepy mess. One year earlier I was cherishing precious, but fearful final moments with my granfather amidst two jobs, and a full time college semester. That anxiety came back with every fluttering flake of snow.

School started, then college, then the snow. The more time off I had, the more I dreaded a day away from home. Honestly, I wanted nothing more than to curl up under the covers in my warm cozy bed and never leave home. I couldn't sleep, but I was exhausted all the time. My cycle even got out of whack.

A couple of weeks ago, with more snow in the forecast, my anxiety hit an all time high. Hubby was so sweet. He stayed up until nearly two in the morning because I was simply terrified. Of everything! I worried that I might crash into someone on the half mile drive to work. I worried that Hubby would die in the middle of the night and leave me alone. I worried that my math homework submission didn't go through. I worried that someone would come over before I had a chance to do the dishes. It was a nightmare... without the sleep.

That night, I finally drummed up the courage and announced to Hubby that I was taking a sick day and I was going to the doctor. He reluctantly agreed. I've managed to be off medication for 8 years.

I can't lie. The feeling of defeat was immense. I really struggled, and I still do, with the fact that I couldn't find a way to make it on my own. I feel like I let Hubby and my family down. I've always been the one everyone relied on and now I'm broken. What would they do? I also feel like I let our future children down. There's no way we can take on the stress of adoption right now, and what if they don't let us adopt because I can't handle life? It's frustrating to say the least and only adds to the anxiety I am working so hard to get rid of.

I'm almost two weeks into the medicine. I'm on a really low dose for now. I can feel it starting to help, which is a huge relief. I can finally breathe sometimes without an elephant sitting on my chest. I still have bad days. In fact right now I count life in moments and I have frequent bad moments, but things are getting better. Despite all of the feelings of defeat and failure, I wish I had done this months ago. I should have asked for help when I first realized things were going to be bad.

I'm biding my time right now. I savor every moment of sunshine. I work hard to make myself find a positive note for each day. I'm trudging one slow step at a time through the thick mud of winter. I'm working hard to wish away the white stuff and bring on the green stuff. Spring, you couldn't come any sooner!

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