New Direction

For eight long and very painful years I have allowed infertility to dictate so many things in my - our lives. Hubby and I have planned our dreams and our future around the possibility of me getting pregnant. We have put things off for years knowing that time was of the essence. We both agreed that we could settle for simpler things. We decided against several trips, even some overseas on the hopes that I would be pregnant and unable to go. We saved our money for medications and treatments rather than enjoying the things other young married couples enjoyed, like cruises and vacations.

Now I want it understood. We don't regret these decisions. The hope of possibility kept us afloat during these times and we learned a lot about each other. We found courage, strength, and a true love for each other. It was hard to stomach the heartbreaks, but we did it willingly, seeing the disappointments as a sort of toll on our journey.

However,

After eight years we have also learned that God is in control and we can't plan our lives for Him. We can't stop living our lives, living our purpose here on earth while we wait for one paragraph to surface. If God intends for us to have a child, He will give us a child in His own time. When he does this He will make sure that we can handle things no matter the circumstances.

Before we moved back here I was in college for nursing. I was accepted into an accelerated program that paid my way and promised a healthy income. When we moved back here, the local college had a nursing program with a waiting list of more than five years. Nursing wasn't as needed here, so a job wasn't a guarantee either. I cut my losses and went back to what I know. My mom has been a teacher all my life and teaching has always come naturally to me. The program was local, cheap, quick, and promised possibilities.

I started working at a local school in the mean time, building my resume and earning experience. The first couple of years it was okay. I even enjoyed it. Then I got moved around a bit and I realized that once I got my degree, it would be difficult to do the things I really enjoyed. There were so many factors involved though. We needed the insurance. I needed the experience. I needed keep my foot in the door to make sure I had a job later. But I kept having to shove down this feeling of unease and frustration that I was stuck.

I am graduating in May, moving on to the last two years and my future. I began getting information from colleges all over asking me to come to their particular college. One caught my eye and a whole new world opened up to me. That college turned out to be too far from home for me and I was severely disappointed, but thankfully I am no stranger to disappointment. I was able to recognize the passion and desire that my disappointment originated from. I knew I needed to take action and I started to try on a different hat. Instead of finding a different path, I started to look for ways around the obstacles on the path I wanted to take. I was surprised to find that suddenly those enormous obstacles were mere bumps and hiccups that I had solutions to. I decided to seize my opportunity and take a chance.

I don't want my future children to see me live a life that I settled for. I want them to know they should do everything in their power to see their dreams come true. Hubby and I have done that when it comes to having children, but we sacrificed so many other unnecessary dreams in the meantime. The decision is a tough one. It will mean making a lot of changes in our lives and will definitely not be the easy way out, but once the decision was made, a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and I am so excited about the future.

I think sometimes that I get so used to the disappointment and failure and I forget to hope. I don't want life to slip away from me. I have hope in this new plan. I pray that things work out, but I know that if they don't I will never regret not trying!