Tuesday, March 12, 2013

And down again

The rate at which I can fall catches me by surprise most of the time. I will be okay. I will be coping and smiling through the day. I will cling to hope and feel a tiny bit of peace settle in my heart. Then without warning Wham! Something out of the blue blindsides me and I fall hard and fast. I feel so sorry for all the yo-yos I've played with in my life. Up and down and up again. At least for them it was predictable most of the time.

I feel detached most of the time from the reality of what happened. It's like a dream or something that happened far away from where I am. It is my coping mechanism. I shut things out when they are too tough for me to deal with. I guess this is no different. Today, I've felt reality lurking on the surface. I'm struggling with the desire to stay healthy. My weight and food are becoming an issue again. I've been okay. Things are just simmering.

I was doing okay. I finished work, took hubs to work, and stopped at the grocery store. I was in a quiet mood, mulling things over and the time alone was good for me. I decided I should stop and pick up the mail. The bills came. Two bills. Two bills that sum up the life of our Espe. It ruined my afternoon. It felt so wrong to have to pay for the most heartbreaking moments of my life.

I've held my heart at arm's length for a while, and I've gotten out of bed, gone to work, loved my kiddos, smiled at people as they passed by. Today though, I can't do it. I miss Espe. I miss my happy. I don't want to be this person. I don't want to be "trying" again. I don't want to endure this two week wait which I am trying to blow off as an unlikely possibility. My heart keeps whispering "maybe it worked". I don't want a maybe. I want it all to be okay.

This is one roller coaster ride I wish I could end. The good news is, today I'm at the bottom of the hill, which means I'll eventually be on my way back up for a little while.


Jen said...

I am so sorry about your loss and I so understand where you are at this point because I was at the same place 3 years ago this month...such heartbreak and sadness. We thought this was our "miracle". At times I just didn't want to go on, the sadness was overwhelming and like you, I pushed it down and just dealt till I knew a year later there was no more hope for us. I so wish "hope" for you. It takes time to grieve, there is no limit/timeframe. Try to be kind to yourself, I know it is hard. Go with what is in your heart...big hugs.

Catwoman73 said...

Hugs Arian... I've been working on a post on the extremes of the highs and lows as well. Getting past loss is the hardest thing in the world- you can be hopeful and optimistic one minute, and in the depths of despair the next. You're not alone. Hugs to you...