Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Anticipation

I haven't posted in a couple of weeks. The days are counting down way too fast for me, yet time seems to be creeping by so slowly. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the reality of life right now. I am 31 weeks pregnant. Honestly, it scares me to death. There is so much to do. I'm not ready for this new little person to be here yet, but at the same time I want desperately for this wait to be over and to finally hold his little hand in mine and start our life together.

I really thought that once I reached that magic 24 week milestone, I talked so wistfully about with hubs and my doctor, that the fear and doubt would magically disappear and we would both embrace this idea that we will really bring home a tiny little person of our own. At 22 weeks, hubs rubbed my belly, felt a little jab, and I watched his eyes glass over with amazement. He looked up and said "Wow! We really are going to get to keep him." My heart ached for him. The fear I had been keeping at bay for so long was churning in his heart just as strongly and I hate that I didn't acknowledge it as much as I should have. I cherish those moments now. I love watching his face now when he talks about our little guy. He has so much love for him and every day that goes by, chips away more and more fear.

I on the other hand have started struggling again. I have this very irrational fear that someone will take our baby. I have exasperated several family members including my mom with this, but I can't stop it. Hubs thankfully understands where it is coming from and I work hard to shield him from my feelings, but they are so overwhelming sometimes!

I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop or to wake up from this dream. We have waited 11 years. 11 heartbreaking, gut-wrenching years for this to happen to us, and although I always held a tiny sliver of hope that it would someday be us they would play the lullaby for on the hospital speaker, I'm not sure if I ever really believed it. In the beginning I took every moment for what it was; a moment. I savored it and loved him deeply. I bonded with him early on and refused to consider anything other than a happy ending because he deserved that. I wanted to be happy and excited about his arrival. When the first gift came, that first trimester terror popped right back into place though and it has never left. I keep thinking "How will we return this stuff?" When the shower invites went out, I had a hard time wondering how we would cancel it if we had to. It was fine for a while when it felt like just hubs and I were completely committed, but now there are all these people that love him too and are looking forward to his arrival as if nothing bad might happen. I struggle with those Christmas countdowns people are posting everywhere and I have a hard time talking about Christmas and the coming weeks.

No one warns you about that part of pregnancy. It's the worst part for me. It is the number one part of this whole process that I will gladly hand over and it will be the first thing I dread if we ever get the chance to do it again.

I'm trying hard to once again live moment by moment. I sit and talk to him and play with him. I watch my belly roll and twitch for hours. I made him some things, spent hours (and I'm still spending hours) searching for just the right thing to bring him home in. I know that half hour car ride home doesn't seem so important to some, but to me, that is one way I can hold tight to the idea that he will be coming home with us. I love this little person so much!

As far as he is concerned everything looks wonderful. He is measuring exactly on target, his second scan was great, my GD test came back negative, and he's a very active little guy. He adores his daddy. Hubs can call me on speaker now and the little monkey always wakes up at the sound of Daddy's voice which I love!

I have had some contractions. I've had two episodes that we have had to time, but they never got stronger, so we waited them out and they thankfully subsided. I have been very tired lately. I have a lot of what I assume are typical pregnancy aches and pains and sleep is a struggle, but for the most part I feel pretty good considering. I'm just very ready to meet this little person finally!

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