Tuesday, November 20, 2007


I've been brewing this post for a few days now and I'm still not sure if I can really describe how the upcoming holidays have wrapped their joyful arms around me this year. Already I feel the urge to hustle and bustle. Case and point, I put up our Christmas lights this afternoon and decorated the house (minus the tree). I did this because we are going to see hubby's parents this week and I am a bit anal about having our tree up the day after Thanksgiving. The idea that I can put the tree up on Saturday or Sunday after we return is just a horrid scary thought for me so I have to get things done before we leave.

I'm excited about going to see his folks. We haven't seen anyone on the mountain since we moved here with my family and it will be nice I suppose to see them. They are a different sort, full of drama and unsettled bitterness with every single person on the family tree so it is never dull. We will get to see our niece and nephews. We haven't seen either nephew for quite some time. We will assuredly see his aunt and uncle and his grandparents. I am already braced for the questions and prepared to make a quick getaway to the restroom to cry once they start rolling off the tongues.

Usually I get excited and allow the holidays no matter how we celebrate them, to help pull me through the beginning doldrums of winter and then I can skate along through January on the skirt tails of all the frenzy. Usually this leaves me with the shortest month of the year to teeter on the edge of insanity with depression and in March I'm giddy at the idea of daffodills and butterflies again. This year, I've been very quiet and reflective. There have been many things happening in our families that have helped I suppose. The clincher was our service at church on Sunday.

The pastor discussed compassion, humility, generosity, and peace. He said by living with compassion, humility, and generosity, we will find peace in our lives. I try very hard to live by this every single day. Ask anyone and they will hopefully tell you I would give my right arm to someone if I didn't need it to sign the consent forms. I love everyone and try my best to be happy with what I have and recognize what others don't. Why then? Why am I so tormented? Can I truly be living this "peaceful life" if I feel so frustrated that I'm not content and peaceful with just what we have? Of course a baby comes into play as it does every other aspect of my life and that makes me sad. I feel that I could be content with so many things but to be without our child that we dream of every day is just beyond acceptance for me.

Thanksgiving has over time become harder and harder for me to embrace. I love the family and enjoy reflecting on my thankfulness and blessings almost more than the joy and spirit surrounding Christmas. I love being a thankful person every day so this holiday comes naturally to me. I look and see such a beautiful place that we live in on our own. I see how far my husband has come and how much closer we are (which is truly very close). I look at our jobs and our friendships. We have friends now that we deeply care for and that we can depend on. We have close family near by all the time and his family seems at least for now to be ok with us. He and his dad are working on growing a relationship and I see forgiveness and healing wounds there. I should be so thankful for all these things. I am truly. I'm very blessed and words cannot express how grateful I am that I have these blessings.

But... there is an unspoken and very quiet corner of my heart that only God can see and I can feel (and you can read about). It's like being at a party. A really big party with tables all around and at the very back of the room is this table that was simply put there to fill up the corner and to balance out the room. It sits there in a spot where the lights don't quite reach and no one cares to sit there. It is a place that you could go to get away from the party without leaving. It is a quiet dark place where you can sit in the shadows and watch the party unnoticed. I feel like I have a quiet place like that in my heart that I visit once in a while. The past few days as the holidays approach, I feel myself staying there longer and visiting more frequently. I long to be fulfilled and peaceful. I yearn for the joy I know I could feel. I imagine myself visiting there with our future child. I imagine her sitting there silent beside me, both of us only aware of the other's presence and nothing more. In this quiet place I find my thankfulness and pray it will soon follow me onto the dance floor of life. Keep dancing and enjoy the party, I'll be there soon....

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