Friday, November 30, 2007

Turkey days gone by...

I know I've been MIA for a few days but things have been insanely busy lately. Hubby and I decided to rent a car and go visit his parents and family for Thanksgiving. He hasn't seen some of them in almost two years so it was a well overdue trip. We ended up with a rental truck but it was a great little truck and had four doors so we took it. We had planned on taking the puppies with us which is much like packing children up for a week long trip. Everyone had special blankies and bowls and toys and sweaters and such to go with us not to mention their crates and get the picture. We decided to best avoid the bulk of the traffic we would leave as soon as hubby came home from work around 1am. For some this is nuts but for us this has worked many times in the past and seems to be the best way for us to manage the drive. I get terrified of some of the mountain driving so I prefer to sleep and hubby is a night owl by nature.

Anyway, the trip was great. We got to see our 3 year old nephew that we haven't seen in a year and a half. We got to spend time with family and this year surprisingly the big feast didn't involve any icky bickering and bitterness (well not that much anyway) so things were happy and festive and we enjoyed each other. We went back to his parents house to stay a few days and despite one incident with hubby's dad getting out of hand things were pretty good. I did get a lot of "I wish you all would move back" and "You know Arian you have done some things we didn't like too ya know" and "We don't want to butt in but you know that one time? Well you should have done it better." I was a bit on edge and pretty defensive by the time we left but not enough to make me angry, just sad. On the way home hubby decided to take a veeeerrrry long way around to get home and it irritated me.

I got irritated that he refused to acknowledge that we had done this trip a gajillion times and that he was adding on two hours to our trip home but still griping that he was ready to get home and that I should have packed quicker etc. Well, I was about to get over it by the time we got home until I went to pee. Before I could unpack anything I ran up to pee and there was the beautiful pink tp we all dread. I came out and tried to be as nonchalant as I could when I told him. We hugged and that was that.

When the truck had finally been unloaded and puppies take care of for whatever reason we got into a heated argument. The first in weeks. It was short but pretty bad. About ten minutes into it I swear someone came down from heaven and turned on my lightbulb. I realized that we weren't arguing at all. We were dealing. I just stopped mid sentence and said "You know what we are doing too don't you?" It was as if the weight of the world had dropped from around us and we both just melted into tears. I realized as we cried and held on to one another that we had done this several times before too. It was a heavy blow to realize that infertility had done this to us. It had conditioned us to lash out at each other and it bothered me a great deal.

What I thought was af dropping in turned out to be a false alarm, but I have been on pins and needles all week about it knowing that the likelihood of anything this month are so slim it is almost nonexistant. I still held out for "just in case." The past couple of days I could feel her unpacking for a nice lengthy stay and I just knew. I tried to let it go and just get ready but something held me back. It caused such frustration and sadness and pain that I was rather a grumpy Itch all week. This afternoon she finally settled in for the week and while crushed once again I feel relieved that finally I can move on and start all over. Is it ever going to happen?

After unloading the truck

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