Still

I've always been the type of person terrified to be alone with myself. I have to have a television or radio on to go to sleep, and never is there a moment that I don't have something in the background. Before I got married I was terrified and lonely every night. I didn't sleep much then and I saw more than a lifetime of infomercials.

It has gotten much better since marriage, but still I always had the background noise. If the power went out or the television got turned off an immediate panic set in and I did whatever I could to fill the silence.

I have wrestled with myself for several days now. You know what I mean. That turmoil inside you that sometimes you just have to wrangle back into order. You get things going on in your brain and have to sort of untangle the knot so to speak. I've been exhausted and my soul has ached from the battle. I have had migraines and I cry for no reason. I was sure it was the holidays but the more I wrestle the more I find it has nothing to do with that at all and is merely a battle to find more of myself.

I have always loved Amy Grant since I was a little girl and her new book Mosaic came out recently. I didn't even know about it, but I happened upon it a few nights ago and my mother in a generous mood, bought it for me. Her stories have brought back so many memories of my childhood and the songs that she ties in, many forgotten over the years have flooded back to me bringing with them the feelings and visions of my life at the time when that particular song was playing in the background of my life. Music has always been a way for me to capture emotion and a part of myself, and I found myself wanting more to remember and connect again with part of me.

It is hard to explain without telling you how I became disconnected but I have that for another post. We will just suffice it to say that as a teen, I had a traumatic time that has since disconnected me in some way or another.

With this being said, I found myself tonight listening to some of my old favorite songs. They are all songs of comfort to me. Some bring painful times with them, some bring hope, and yet others just make me feel good. All of them touched me deeply however and having the house to myself for once I just sat and listened. I sang, I cried, I felt, I connected. For the first time in ten years I felt safe to allow myself the pain and sadness. I grieved and rocked the innocent child I lost so long ago in my arms.

I was able to just sit within myself and look around. I'm sad by what I see. I see so many walls hastily built up to block off huge chunks of my life too painful to process at the time and too time consuming to handle later on. It is very unsettling to realize how much I have blocked off for so long. There are so many layers of myself that have been put away for so long. I realized that I have hidden them away for so long that my friends and even my husband doesn't know who I am deep down. I think I have even forgotten parts of myself.

I find the urge to sing and write it all down. I want to feel, touch, taste, smell, hurt, laugh, cry, yell, whisper, comfort, heal, and destroy different parts of me for the first time. I am certain that this is a good thing and for the first time in years I feel an unsettled peace. I know it makes no sense to you but it feels like I can be at peace with myself because I'm no longer putting up walls. It will be chaos as I tear them down, but I know that peace and healing is on the other side.

This is not really a New Year's post and I don't want it to become one, but I know that this is the time of year many reflect and make promises to renew themselves. I've never been one for the resolutions or reflection at a particular time of year but ironically this year reflection found me and I can't shake it.

I urge you to take time, be it now with the impending new year, or later on once things have settled and just find a seat in the middle of that dark room in your brain. Take a look around. Touch, feel, experience. Reconnect with yourself and remind youreself that while we are supposed to take it one day at a time, our today is intertwined by so many yesterdays that many times we have just pushed to the side until we can get around to them. After so long you build up too many walls and forget who you are only waking to get through another day.

Find yourself, connect, and embrace the day. Enjoy it, and try for just a little while to be still...

Peeking out from under the paper and bows...

I'm here. I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday however you celebrate. We had a pretty good time. Hubby had some very scroogey moments and I'm not sure what to think about all that yet, but all in all things went well. We had a great time with the family and I think everyone went away happy minus a card game that got a little loud and out of control with some of the younger group.

I went with mom today to ship my sister off to London on her first plane ride and very first international experience. We sat for two hours and just as the professor (she is going on a study abroud trip for two weeks) started to hand out the tickets a big red "cancelled" popped up on the board. Grrr. The flight was cancelled and rescheduled for tomorrow due to mechanical issues so off we go again tomorrow to send her out again.

In the meantime hubby is at work and I am very happy to be at home finally comfy in my pjs and relaxing with the pooches. I'm starting to worry about all that yummy sugar I ingested this year and I hope to knock it all out again with the new year coming. I know it is so cliche' but whatever works right? I have had some major hormone related issues lately including af disappearing and some very severe and intense migraines. I can't say that I have been as good lately with my metformin as I should, but I have only missed a dose here and there and I can't see that causing as many issues as I have had. The only variable I can come up with is my diet which my doctor insists is not a major concern in my case. I think very differently about this. I noticed the most drastic changes when I cut out allll my sugar. Weight melted off, I felt a ton better, my skin was crystal clear, and af came on the stroke of the clock every 31 days. I was taking Provera for a good part of that time too though. We're going to give it a go and see what happens anyway.

Enough of the ttc talk for a while though (I'm trying to enjoy as much time off from it as I can till next week). We got some great stuff this year for Christmas. We got an awesome table and chairs! Our last apartment was furnished so we had no need for one and since being here we just haven't gotten one because A. neither of us felt it important enough to part with the money for and B. the computers took up the vast majority of our dining space. I'm so excited about this set though. The table is very sturdy and made of wood but the whole entire set can fold up and stow or move if we need. It is fantastic! I am even looking forward to putting our tree away and taking Christmas down just so I can move furniture back around to make a better place for it! I've never wanted to take our tree down (Once, I convinced my mom when I was a kid to leave ours up until March and turn it into an Easter tree!)! I also got an amazing huge framed Wizard of Oz movie picture! The link shows the picture although my picture is at least 36" across! It is done in a really nice dark wooden frame that makes it look very classy. I also got my diamond ring despite some minor problems. Hubby didn't go empty handed either. He got some new pjs (thank goodness!) and a new guitar. He got money for an amp and all the extras that go with a guitar. He got some nice shirts and a pullover that I think he's going to wear every day until the temperature gets back in the 80s!

Sorry. I know this post rambled about a lot of fluff but I'm still reeling from my post Christmas loot and food stupor. I just thought I would peek out for a bit and say hi and wish you all a good week. I'm going to go sift through this mess of paper, bows, and boxes and try to see how much I can tick off the garbage man this year! I hope you all find your way out too!

MIA, Christmas trees, old wounds, and the like....

First off I'm going to warn you... this might get a bit long so grab a soda stretch out and prepare for a novel! Not really a novel but maybe a short short story....

Second - Do you remember two posts ago where I announced at the end that af had finally decided to show up to the party and I was disappointed but relieved the wait was done? Well... darn heifer didn't actually show up. I got one redder than pink tp event and that was it. I've had some (sorry if its tmi but if you are an infertile, you should or shortly will understand) spotting lately but very minor and very intermittent. I've decided that this could be one of two things... A. Something has derailed af's train be it the met or the hsg. B. Well I won't go there. No I haven't tested and right now I just can't. I'm petrified. I tested the day before I wrote that last post and that was it. I can't bring myself to do it now.

Enough of the newsflashes though. Let's get on with the post k?

When I was little my dad's first cousin and his wife lived beside us. Mom, dad, and (hmmm..) Fran and Frank* did everything together. When we were born we tagged along. Fran and Frank had no children and Fran had been told it wasn't an option. We became her "children." She would make things for us and do our hair for picture day. We all went shopping together in their super nice van that Fran got because "It was a great deal" (yeah. I raised my eyebrows at that one too). At Halloween we dressed up over there and had our fun, At Christmas they decorated all sorts of stuff and we went over to make ornaments for the tree.

We were all one big happy family.... until my little brother was born. That seems to have been the last straw for Fran and Frank. Within a couple of years Fran and Frank moved away and found a different group of people to do things with. They "borrowed" their children too but would almost flaunt it at church gatherings and such. To be honest and mean as little ill will as possible they became snobs. They hurt my parents deeply and said very hurtful things and did some pretty nasty things to mom and dad and I know that most of it revolves around the fact that my mother had three and Fran had none. It irks me.

My mother says they just didn't want children but the past few years have taught me a thing or two about that stuff. I can't buy that. I just can't. I know that pain and bitterness and it scares me. I see how they gave up and became angry people. They still are to this day angry people. I hurt for them. I hurt for the pain they had to experience as my siblings and I grew up beside them. I wish I had known then as a child that they were hurting. Maybe I could have helped ease it somehow. I've considered writing her a letter but she is so bitter now that I just think I would offend. I want to reach out to her and say "It's ok to hurt. I'll hurt with you for a while." but I can't.

This brings me to the holidays and the tree mentioned in the title (told you it was a book! It's ok go have a pee break... I'll wait.......... better? Ok almost done....)

Some of my fondest memories in childhood were in their back yard or out shopping or arts and crafting it in Fran's dining room. I remember how the house looked when we popped in unexpectedly and I can't shake the memory that when we were expected the house was different. There were things for us there and the mood was lighter. It keeps circling back to their Christmas tree. I remember that tree and for whatever reason ( by now you all know my mind has bizarre connections) I connect that tree with their pain. This year it was a struggle to put up our tree and to mail out Christmas cards. I know there were so many things they did just for us and the ornaments on the tree were one. The tree itself I wonder sometimes about too. Hubby and I actually for a very short moment considered not putting one up. I love Christmas but for a short while this year I just didn't want to bother.

Christmas has always been about the children. The very meaning of Christmas is to celebrate the birth of a child. A tiny miracle. A gift. It hurts so badly. We are lonely for children and the holidays are especially difficult. It seems silly to buy presents for each other. We do have some family traditions and don't get me wrong, I love spending Christmas with our families and I wouldn't trade the time I have with them for anything, but there is something missing. I want to have our traditions to add to it.

I always get so excited and overjoyed around this time. I love to give and do for other people and there are so many chances at the holidays. It celebrates the things that I have learned are most important in life and once a year my family slows down to enjoy and do with me. This year there is a blue empty aura surrounding the season. The glow and happy times are still there but as odd as this sounds there is like a presence that I am constantly aware of in the background or maybe a lack of presence. One of those feelings when you stop opening gifts and just sit back inside yourself and watch all of your loved ones. You know how you get that full and blessed feeling and take a memographic photo? Well this sort of sits there with that feeling and when I stop to watch and overflow with joy and love there is a sad tone to it too.

I warned you that this was a hard one to explain but I tried. I know Christmas is a couple of weeks away still but most families spend those weeks shopping and standing in line to see Santa. I don't have those things to keep me busy and I am sure I am not the only infertile that feels like that. I want to give you all a hug and let you know that I know. I hope we can all find our joy this holiday and give ourselves time to grieve and visit with the children in our dreams.

Pieces of the puzzle....

I've been working on a couple of posts but I'm just not sure how to approach them. I've had some topics that hit deep with me. They are tough things to write about and I just want to make sure that I can spend time on them when I can give them my total focus. Bear with me....