Still

I've always been the type of person terrified to be alone with myself. I have to have a television or radio on to go to sleep, and never is there a moment that I don't have something in the background. Before I got married I was terrified and lonely every night. I didn't sleep much then and I saw more than a lifetime of infomercials.

It has gotten much better since marriage, but still I always had the background noise. If the power went out or the television got turned off an immediate panic set in and I did whatever I could to fill the silence.

I have wrestled with myself for several days now. You know what I mean. That turmoil inside you that sometimes you just have to wrangle back into order. You get things going on in your brain and have to sort of untangle the knot so to speak. I've been exhausted and my soul has ached from the battle. I have had migraines and I cry for no reason. I was sure it was the holidays but the more I wrestle the more I find it has nothing to do with that at all and is merely a battle to find more of myself.

I have always loved Amy Grant since I was a little girl and her new book Mosaic came out recently. I didn't even know about it, but I happened upon it a few nights ago and my mother in a generous mood, bought it for me. Her stories have brought back so many memories of my childhood and the songs that she ties in, many forgotten over the years have flooded back to me bringing with them the feelings and visions of my life at the time when that particular song was playing in the background of my life. Music has always been a way for me to capture emotion and a part of myself, and I found myself wanting more to remember and connect again with part of me.

It is hard to explain without telling you how I became disconnected but I have that for another post. We will just suffice it to say that as a teen, I had a traumatic time that has since disconnected me in some way or another.

With this being said, I found myself tonight listening to some of my old favorite songs. They are all songs of comfort to me. Some bring painful times with them, some bring hope, and yet others just make me feel good. All of them touched me deeply however and having the house to myself for once I just sat and listened. I sang, I cried, I felt, I connected. For the first time in ten years I felt safe to allow myself the pain and sadness. I grieved and rocked the innocent child I lost so long ago in my arms.

I was able to just sit within myself and look around. I'm sad by what I see. I see so many walls hastily built up to block off huge chunks of my life too painful to process at the time and too time consuming to handle later on. It is very unsettling to realize how much I have blocked off for so long. There are so many layers of myself that have been put away for so long. I realized that I have hidden them away for so long that my friends and even my husband doesn't know who I am deep down. I think I have even forgotten parts of myself.

I find the urge to sing and write it all down. I want to feel, touch, taste, smell, hurt, laugh, cry, yell, whisper, comfort, heal, and destroy different parts of me for the first time. I am certain that this is a good thing and for the first time in years I feel an unsettled peace. I know it makes no sense to you but it feels like I can be at peace with myself because I'm no longer putting up walls. It will be chaos as I tear them down, but I know that peace and healing is on the other side.

This is not really a New Year's post and I don't want it to become one, but I know that this is the time of year many reflect and make promises to renew themselves. I've never been one for the resolutions or reflection at a particular time of year but ironically this year reflection found me and I can't shake it.

I urge you to take time, be it now with the impending new year, or later on once things have settled and just find a seat in the middle of that dark room in your brain. Take a look around. Touch, feel, experience. Reconnect with yourself and remind youreself that while we are supposed to take it one day at a time, our today is intertwined by so many yesterdays that many times we have just pushed to the side until we can get around to them. After so long you build up too many walls and forget who you are only waking to get through another day.

Find yourself, connect, and embrace the day. Enjoy it, and try for just a little while to be still...