Thursday, February 11, 2010

There is No Reverse

I hate that. I hate that there is no reverse in our lives, a magic button where I could just revisit moments and treasured jewels in my life in vivid reality over and over again. Unfortunately, I fear that people like me are the very reason we do not have this ability as human beings.

Hubby and I were about to go to sleep a few nights ago and I mentioned this to him. He sort of chuckled and brought up Hiro from "Heroes" which we have recently started watching. We both agreed that I would be the worst Hiro in the world. I know that time and time again, I would rewind time to revisit those that I miss and love. I would bypass saving the world, putting it off over and over again as I waltzed through my own personal time line savoring every moment.

This week has been very difficult. It is one of the worst parts of losing someone you love - that morning when you have to return to work and a regular routine. It is hard to watch the world continue to spin while you try to figure out how to fill the hole in your heart and jump back into life. It reminds me of when I was a kid waiting for just the right moment to jump into the ropes as their lines spun over and under, over and under.

This has bothered more than I expected. My grandfather was sick for many years and I have jumped at the phone every single time it rang for nearly ten years. I still jump. Then I remember. My family seems to be handling things really well. I see the strength in my mom and my grandmother and I feel like a coward. I try to put on my strong face and muster the strength to make it all day without any tears. Every day this week, I have taken a quiet lunch in a secluded room so that I can cry alone.

I lie awake some nights and think about our plans. In May we will begin the process of bringing new life into the family again. If we are successful, this little person will be the first one in our family to never know my grandfather, it will be the beginning of a new generation. I try so hard to turn my face forward and carve a path for the future, but I catch myself looking over my shoulder from time to time.

Thank goodness, I'm not a Hiro.


Kristin said...

I wouldn't make a good Hiro either.


Pundelina said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. (I'd be a cruddy Hiro too, for the same reasons.)

Erika said...

I am so sorry for your loss! Praying for peace and comfort for you and your family.