Friday, July 23, 2010

A Spoonful of Sugar

For the past few months I've really been struggling with some things. I tried, as I am unfortunately wont to do sometimes, to handle things on my own, but I think it got out of hand a bit. During our latest vacation with the in laws, my anxiety got the best of me and now I am really struggling to keep my head above water.

When Hubby and I met, I had some serious issues with anxiety and I was under the care of a doctor that thought the solution to every problem was more medication. I was a terrified zombie. None of the meds worked well and I could barely function. When we got married, I took a huge step and came off of them. I've worked really hard to stay off of them ever since.

I think I feel like if I go back on meds, I am a failure, like I let these irrational thoughts get the best of me; but I have to function, and right now I'm not doing so great at that. I look at my schedule this past semester and then forward to the fall schedule I am about to have to tackle and meds don't look like a bad idea anymore. At least I could make it through an exam without falling apart.

This is where infertility once again takes a firm stand in every aspect of my life. Hubby and I have seriously looked at adoption. We have a plan in place even. It is a long term plan, but a plan nonetheless. I don't want to jeopardize that. I've noticed on the criteria for several international adoption areas (namely China) that anxiety or depression meds can disqualify you. I hate to think that because I don't have my act together now, I will ruin our chances of adopting a baby in the future. I also wonder how anxiety issues would affect a domestic adoption or sway the vote when doing the initial home study and such for any adoption.

I would really like some input about this. I'm trying to work through things on my own, but with the school semester starting in less than a month, I think talking to my doctor might be a good idea. I have to keep telling myself that I would not be a good mother - even to future children that we may or may not have - if I didn't take care of myself during the process. It's hard being a mother to a child you can't have yet.

6 comments:

The Lynchs said...

I'm sorry that you're dealing with all of these emotions! I've been there (in some capacity or another) and definitely still struggle with emotions regarding infertility on a very regular basis.

I've never struggled with anxiety to the extreme that I needed help with it, so I'm not really familiar with the different options available. Having said that though, I DO think it's important that you take care of yourself first and foremost! Infertility takes a BIG toll, and it's only natural to be struggling with some stuff. I think once you take care of you, only then can you take care of everyone else!

Thinking of you! *HUGS*

Lavender Luz said...

Find an agency that you'd consider dealing with and call them. Ask to speak with someone who does the homestudies, and then ask that person what effect, if any, there might be for someone taking anti-anxiety meds. Hypothetically.

You may find out it has no bearing in some situations.

I wish you well on this. It's hard to go into something knowing you're going to be evaluated.

Hugs to you.

Anonymous said...

I was in line to adopt from China (we had a Log In Date and everything). The wait times grew so exponentially that we eventually pulled out.
However, I had been on antidepressants and anxiety medications prior to beginning paperwork for China. Our doctor had to state that I had been on medication for "moderate depression" (as a result of infertility) and it had no effect on our application. China still accepted us. That said, the CCAA has been known to be inconsistent with what they will and will not accept. It's really a crap shoot. Talk to an agency to find out more information.

Heather said...

Stopping by from LFCA. We are in the process of adopting from Korea and there are medication requirements. I believe Korea specifies that one may not be on any antidepressants or anxiety meds for two years. It could be our agency that requires this, but I think I remember reading it was the Korean government. I do know that they will allow mental health counseling in the case of infertility and/or the death of a family member, so perhaps they'd allow ADs or AA meds for those reasons as well.

Best wishes to you.

TwoDogMama said...

LFCA - I am currently waiting for a match for domestic adoption here in the US. I am also on medication for anxiety and depression. I have had moderate depression since I was a teenager. I have had anxiety (panic attacks mainly, OCD, worrying) every since we started TTC. I have been on/off meds for anxiety, but have been on them for the past year along with anti-depressants. It was not an issue with our agency. I was worried it would be, but it was not. I had to get a letter for my psychiatrist who prescribes my meds stating I was okay to adopt a child. Also we were matched twice in less than two months (it is a long story) and the birth families knew nothing about my issues. It is only in the home study report that the agencies and judge read. It will never be released to the birth families, or released without your permission. I will say we did shy away from any type of international adoption because I was concerned about how my depression/anxiety would affect our chances. You can check out my blog for more information. Good luck.

PFM said...

We were not asked specifically about any medications we may be on. We had a physical exam and did include things about our medical history. I was open about the fact that I have diagnosed depression and have been treated by a physician for several years. It did not have any effect on our adoption. Best wishes.