Friday, July 30, 2010

The Controls

I think for me one of the hardest parts of this whole infertility journey is the lack of control. As I struggle through the normal difficulties that life presents, I am forced to hand over control of the most basic desire for any woman. Granted, I realize that all women are at the mercy of fate when it comes to having children, however for infertile women, there isn't even a level of control with the amount of disclosure we are willing to give all sorts of people on the most intimate aspects of our lives.

Sure there are doctors that probe and question our methods. There are plans, pills, and opinions. The appointments are intrusive and frustrating and often I am left feeling exposed and confused. But there are also the voices of family members, friends, and sometimes not quite acquaintances. Those voices that insist on making sure you understand their feelings and concerns. You know, so that when you are struggling to create your family, you will be sure to consider their desires before making any decisions (but that's a whole other post).

During such a whirlwind of uncertainty, as an infertile, I am forced to follow a strictly controlled protocol of medicines, times, temps, and do's and don'ts. It is as if I am caught in the force field between two repelling magnets, being pulled first one way then the other. Then, as if this isn't enough to cope with, someone brilliant genius pipes in with those ill fated words.... Just relax!

No comments: