Yesterday was a special day. I intended to make it special, to mark it with some sort of meaningful event or gesture, but I couldn't. For months I have wondered how the passing of October 12th would affect me. I anticipated grief and pain. I waited for a flood of it, then wallowed in guilt when it did not come. I ended up passing the day in avoidance. I went to a wedding and then tagged along with my parents for dinner and a little shopping. I pretended it was just another day. To everyone else in the world it was. Even hubs didn't realize until I mentioned it to him. I feel bad that I dredged that up for him.
Yesterday was Espe's due date.
Yet, it wasn't...
I'm not really sure how to feel about it all. It's confusing and frustrating. I feel so conflicted inside about it all. It seems unfair to both of my babies to remember Espe right now. I feel like I would be shadowing my joy for this precious wriggling little monkey inside of me and at the same time I do not feel like I could give Espe the full remembrance he deserves.
No one remembered Espe yesterday. There were no balloons, candles, or cards. On his birthday, no one brought us a casserole or a pack of diapers. His life here on Earth was unremarkable, undocumented, and unknown to most of the world, but to me.... His short life saved mine. It saved his brother's life. No one will ever know the tiny little hero I carried with me, but my family owes him so much. A simple balloon or a candle just doesn't seem to be enough to convey the monumental impact he had on my life. He literally saved me. I was spiraling so quickly down a dark hole. I was not okay. He helped me see that. He showed me what hope was again and gave me everything I needed to try one more time for my dreams. When I felt myself falling once more, I remembered him and the gift he had given me - possibility.
Hubs I'm sure remembered in his own way yesterday. He is working so hard to embrace the idea that our Sea Monkey will actually be with us soon though, that I'm sure he has tucked Espe away for a while and I completely understand that. I have to do it too.
How do you say good-bye and hello at the same time? I don't want to let Espe go, if I do, who will remember him? Am I a horrible mother for not taking the time to mark his life yesterday? Am I ungrateful for the miracle I do have if I stop to remember him?
Espe's life was exactly as it was meant to be. I feel this in the very core of my being. He was sent here to prepare us for this tiny little person I still carry inside of me. His birthday, while far too soon for us to have any time together, was the day it was supposed to be. I loved Espe and I still do. He will always have a very special place in my heart as my first baby, but to say that his due date was unfulfilled seems wrong. His life was full of love, joy, wonder, all the things it should have been. I want to remember him for what he was and not what he wasn't. I most certainly do not love him any less for that and I love Sea Monkey just as much.