Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Happy New.....hope?

Well Happy New year and all that jazz! We rang in the new year with Dan and Dot and the kids. We had a great time and since hubby has started this new job, our time with them has been limited to the Sundays that we are able to go to church. The baby is beautiful and the boys have grown so much. We ate, drank (some of us more than others!), and played with the new Wii that the boys got from Santa. I think the adults played more than the boys, but isn't that how it always goes?

It was so wonderful to have the kids in the house again. Hubby readily agreed with me when I said I missed having them as a regular part of life around here. Dan and Dot are so sweet about things too. Dot always brings new fun things over "so I get a chance to try it out too" when they come. Last night she brought the baby's new fav - Sweet potatoes! She set her up and said "I thought you'd like to feed her, so here's the stuff. I've brushed it off at times when she did things like that (like bringing the bath stuff over one night "so she'll be ready for church in the morning") but last night her consideration for our situation really melted my heart. It showed me how much our friendship has grown and how wonderful and understanding they are. It means a lot to me that she goes out of her way to share her child with me but at times it crushes me.

When they leave - every time - the silence and the stillness is suffocating. Hubby and I always just sit there for a while in shock. The pain almost immediately settles back in. I realize every time they come, what we are missing. It is like they come to our house and allow us a chance to look in the window of their lives for a moment. In the same way, we invite them in eager to get a glimpse once more at our dream only to be tortured with our hopes dangling at arm's length in front of us.

It sounds so silly to me. I guess to some it might make sense. I mean, let's face it, we wouldn't be here if there wasn't a desire waaay back then to start a family. Still, I have a husband that I prayed for and wished for. I was so lonely and I hated being alone. I'm the one in my family I think that just cannot bear to be alone. Now I have hubby and life should be great...but...

There is always a but. I feel so frustrated that I can't be satisfied with just us but truly, when the boys are over, there is just a hum in the house. It is like our tiny apartment is happy and full and when they go home it is left hungry and sad. I'm so lonely for our child. The child we have yet to meet or even had a distant glance of, haunts my heart every second. My parents used to say "Oh that happened when you were just a twinkle in our eye." or "That was before you were thought of." That has stuck with me in adulthood and it is another painful reminder that we are scarred with wounds of infertility.

To me the thought of "before you were thought of" has just never happened. Our children were thought of to me when I was still putting dolls in strollers. When we got married, the first thought was "we can finally start trying!" We never stop thinking about her, him, or them.

We rang in the new year watching Dick Clark and counting down with the boys. Dot and I agreed that it would be neat to wake the baby to ring in her first new year. She was due to wake up an hour later for a feed anyway. I sat there on the couch counting down the end of one year and the beginning of another with this sleepy eyed wriggly creature grinning up at me as she tried to wake up. The emotions were overwhelming. There was a dash of hope mixed in with a sprinkle of wonder and a spoonful of wishful prayer. I just kept thinking how lucky they were to have her and how wonderful it would be to look back 365 days from now with a new wriggly creature staring up at me only this time she would be ours. It brought chill bumps and tears to look for just a moment into a dream for the future. Maybe this year will be the one...... I hope it is for you too....

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