I'm still here muddlng through. I managed to get a bit of sleep finally in two six hour stretches so maybe I'll get myself back on track. I think I finally just got so tired that I couldn't go anymore. I slept yesterday after I got home until midnight which was about six hours. Hubby came in at four and he went to bed at 6 a.m. and so I followed him to bed again and managed to stay there for another 6 hours. I woke up several times but hey sleep is sleep right now ya know?
Not much to update on this week. I did laundry, which is a huge feat here. I have to lug it down stairs and across the property and do two small loads at a time so it is a long drawn out process. I got four loads done though.
AF came and went with no abnormalities so hopefully she is back in shape again and ttc can proceed. I am going to wait a few weeks though until my mood clears.
Hubby is working a lot which bugs me. I hate being here alone and the pups have started making life very hard for some reason. They have always been more sensitive to things when I'm here alone but lately they bark if a leaf rustles outside and it has sent me off the edge! They don't really do a constant bark at one thing type thing either. They yip and they will bark three or four times and then be ok and two minutes later they do it again. I jump every time. One night last week I was trying to sleep and they kept doing that. I was so tired and frustrated and I finally just put them in their crates in the bedroom with the covers over their crates and the lights off and the door shut. I went in the living room and sat on the couch and cried. I just couldn't handle it anymore. I love them so much and we really pamper and spoil them way too much. We treat them like kids b/c we don't have any to spoil so it bugs me that I feel like this but I just can't deal right now.
I've started putting them up for a good bit each night just so I can get a break. I don't know how to fix this and I don't know why it started in the first place but something has to give. I may see if we can get a dog sitter once a week or something. That sounds so stupid I know but seriously I just need a break from them. They aren't like kids that can go to grandma's or a sleepover. Even on the days that hubby is home I am with them the whole time. I wish they had doggie ear plugs!
Well anyway, sorry to ramble about nothing but life right now is just about getting another hour of sleep when and where ever I can get it. Hope your week went well....
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Icy Blue
Well first off I am very happy to announce the arrival of af a couple of days ago. I have been very upset that she decided to take an extra long vacation. Rest at ease though, we have talked it out and come to a compromise and all is well again. Well cept for that whole red sea thing and all.
Other than that not much to report. I'm struggling very hard with what I assume is a hefty bout of depression right now. I've lost my appetite (which is very hard to do when af is around) and sleep is just not wanting to show itself. Usually the week before af I get this severe fatigue that I should probably bring to the attention of my doc but I figure he has enough of me to deal with at the moment. I wouldn't want to work him too hard what with his underpaid pitiful overworked self (half days on Tuesdays and Thursdays hmph!). Anyway, since going back to school my schedule has just become a nightmare and I can't sleep for more than about four hours at a time. By about one in the afternoon I am so tired I want to cry but once home I can't go to sleep for very long.
There are lots of other things going on in my head too. I feel like it is just a constant swirling cyclone up there of thoughts and fears and frustrations. I'm sure this will get better. It is just something I need to work through and allow myself time to deal with but it sucks! If I had the time I would hunt up a new doc but for now I'm just going to do my best to muddle through.
Have you ever noticed that you get so wrapped up with your gyn or re and you spend so much time and effort ttc that you forget about your health in other areas? I feel like I am at the doctor's all the time but truth be told I haven't been to one in a couple of years other than my gyn.
Sorry I'm sort of all over the place but at the moment that's just how my brain is.
We had our 5th year anniversary on Tuesday. I started back to work that day so the main gist of it was "Hey hon, Happy Anniversary, have a good day at work!" "Yeah you too!" and that was that. So much for reflection and all the mushy stuff huh? That's ok. We have Sunday I suppose.
Anyway, hope your weekend is great!
Other than that not much to report. I'm struggling very hard with what I assume is a hefty bout of depression right now. I've lost my appetite (which is very hard to do when af is around) and sleep is just not wanting to show itself. Usually the week before af I get this severe fatigue that I should probably bring to the attention of my doc but I figure he has enough of me to deal with at the moment. I wouldn't want to work him too hard what with his underpaid pitiful overworked self (half days on Tuesdays and Thursdays hmph!). Anyway, since going back to school my schedule has just become a nightmare and I can't sleep for more than about four hours at a time. By about one in the afternoon I am so tired I want to cry but once home I can't go to sleep for very long.
There are lots of other things going on in my head too. I feel like it is just a constant swirling cyclone up there of thoughts and fears and frustrations. I'm sure this will get better. It is just something I need to work through and allow myself time to deal with but it sucks! If I had the time I would hunt up a new doc but for now I'm just going to do my best to muddle through.
Have you ever noticed that you get so wrapped up with your gyn or re and you spend so much time and effort ttc that you forget about your health in other areas? I feel like I am at the doctor's all the time but truth be told I haven't been to one in a couple of years other than my gyn.
Sorry I'm sort of all over the place but at the moment that's just how my brain is.
We had our 5th year anniversary on Tuesday. I started back to work that day so the main gist of it was "Hey hon, Happy Anniversary, have a good day at work!" "Yeah you too!" and that was that. So much for reflection and all the mushy stuff huh? That's ok. We have Sunday I suppose.
Anyway, hope your weekend is great!
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Happy New.....hope?
Well Happy New year and all that jazz! We rang in the new year with Dan and Dot and the kids. We had a great time and since hubby has started this new job, our time with them has been limited to the Sundays that we are able to go to church. The baby is beautiful and the boys have grown so much. We ate, drank (some of us more than others!), and played with the new Wii that the boys got from Santa. I think the adults played more than the boys, but isn't that how it always goes?
It was so wonderful to have the kids in the house again. Hubby readily agreed with me when I said I missed having them as a regular part of life around here. Dan and Dot are so sweet about things too. Dot always brings new fun things over "so I get a chance to try it out too" when they come. Last night she brought the baby's new fav - Sweet potatoes! She set her up and said "I thought you'd like to feed her, so here's the stuff. I've brushed it off at times when she did things like that (like bringing the bath stuff over one night "so she'll be ready for church in the morning") but last night her consideration for our situation really melted my heart. It showed me how much our friendship has grown and how wonderful and understanding they are. It means a lot to me that she goes out of her way to share her child with me but at times it crushes me.
When they leave - every time - the silence and the stillness is suffocating. Hubby and I always just sit there for a while in shock. The pain almost immediately settles back in. I realize every time they come, what we are missing. It is like they come to our house and allow us a chance to look in the window of their lives for a moment. In the same way, we invite them in eager to get a glimpse once more at our dream only to be tortured with our hopes dangling at arm's length in front of us.
It sounds so silly to me. I guess to some it might make sense. I mean, let's face it, we wouldn't be here if there wasn't a desire waaay back then to start a family. Still, I have a husband that I prayed for and wished for. I was so lonely and I hated being alone. I'm the one in my family I think that just cannot bear to be alone. Now I have hubby and life should be great...but...
There is always a but. I feel so frustrated that I can't be satisfied with just us but truly, when the boys are over, there is just a hum in the house. It is like our tiny apartment is happy and full and when they go home it is left hungry and sad. I'm so lonely for our child. The child we have yet to meet or even had a distant glance of, haunts my heart every second. My parents used to say "Oh that happened when you were just a twinkle in our eye." or "That was before you were thought of." That has stuck with me in adulthood and it is another painful reminder that we are scarred with wounds of infertility.
To me the thought of "before you were thought of" has just never happened. Our children were thought of to me when I was still putting dolls in strollers. When we got married, the first thought was "we can finally start trying!" We never stop thinking about her, him, or them.
We rang in the new year watching Dick Clark and counting down with the boys. Dot and I agreed that it would be neat to wake the baby to ring in her first new year. She was due to wake up an hour later for a feed anyway. I sat there on the couch counting down the end of one year and the beginning of another with this sleepy eyed wriggly creature grinning up at me as she tried to wake up. The emotions were overwhelming. There was a dash of hope mixed in with a sprinkle of wonder and a spoonful of wishful prayer. I just kept thinking how lucky they were to have her and how wonderful it would be to look back 365 days from now with a new wriggly creature staring up at me only this time she would be ours. It brought chill bumps and tears to look for just a moment into a dream for the future. Maybe this year will be the one...... I hope it is for you too....
It was so wonderful to have the kids in the house again. Hubby readily agreed with me when I said I missed having them as a regular part of life around here. Dan and Dot are so sweet about things too. Dot always brings new fun things over "so I get a chance to try it out too" when they come. Last night she brought the baby's new fav - Sweet potatoes! She set her up and said "I thought you'd like to feed her, so here's the stuff. I've brushed it off at times when she did things like that (like bringing the bath stuff over one night "so she'll be ready for church in the morning") but last night her consideration for our situation really melted my heart. It showed me how much our friendship has grown and how wonderful and understanding they are. It means a lot to me that she goes out of her way to share her child with me but at times it crushes me.
When they leave - every time - the silence and the stillness is suffocating. Hubby and I always just sit there for a while in shock. The pain almost immediately settles back in. I realize every time they come, what we are missing. It is like they come to our house and allow us a chance to look in the window of their lives for a moment. In the same way, we invite them in eager to get a glimpse once more at our dream only to be tortured with our hopes dangling at arm's length in front of us.
It sounds so silly to me. I guess to some it might make sense. I mean, let's face it, we wouldn't be here if there wasn't a desire waaay back then to start a family. Still, I have a husband that I prayed for and wished for. I was so lonely and I hated being alone. I'm the one in my family I think that just cannot bear to be alone. Now I have hubby and life should be great...but...
There is always a but. I feel so frustrated that I can't be satisfied with just us but truly, when the boys are over, there is just a hum in the house. It is like our tiny apartment is happy and full and when they go home it is left hungry and sad. I'm so lonely for our child. The child we have yet to meet or even had a distant glance of, haunts my heart every second. My parents used to say "Oh that happened when you were just a twinkle in our eye." or "That was before you were thought of." That has stuck with me in adulthood and it is another painful reminder that we are scarred with wounds of infertility.
To me the thought of "before you were thought of" has just never happened. Our children were thought of to me when I was still putting dolls in strollers. When we got married, the first thought was "we can finally start trying!" We never stop thinking about her, him, or them.
We rang in the new year watching Dick Clark and counting down with the boys. Dot and I agreed that it would be neat to wake the baby to ring in her first new year. She was due to wake up an hour later for a feed anyway. I sat there on the couch counting down the end of one year and the beginning of another with this sleepy eyed wriggly creature grinning up at me as she tried to wake up. The emotions were overwhelming. There was a dash of hope mixed in with a sprinkle of wonder and a spoonful of wishful prayer. I just kept thinking how lucky they were to have her and how wonderful it would be to look back 365 days from now with a new wriggly creature staring up at me only this time she would be ours. It brought chill bumps and tears to look for just a moment into a dream for the future. Maybe this year will be the one...... I hope it is for you too....
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