Control

I have a serious control issue. At one point I had some very bad obsessive compulsive tendencies. With therapy I managed to work through most of them and I learned how to rationalize myself into less noticeable rituals and thoughts. In high school, certain aspects of my home life and the insane schedule that I kept drove me to find something that I could feel in control of. I turned like many young girls to food. The first pound that I lost was one of the most euphoric experiences in my life. I had the answer to my problem. I may not be able to control my home or my teachers, but I could control my food.

I learned to be sneaky and this brought on new levels of control. Therapy helped that too and thankfully I crept up to a healthy weight by the time I graduated. Two years later, my fiance screamed at me as I packed my stuff that he was glad I was leaving. He said he was sick of living with someone that wouldn't eat and lived in the gym. A week later, back at my parents' house, I realized that he was right. I had tried to control our broken relationship with food once again.

By the time I met Hubby, I had convinced myself to just eat and forget about calories. I was working an insanely stressful job with a ton of hours and I still can't figure out how I never noticed that the scale was inching its way up.

By that point, I gave up. It was either all or nothing with me. I didn't want to go back to the hours of obsessing and anxiety attacks over a french fry. I refused to think about it. I never became an overeater really, I just quit undereating and my metabolism and body had already taken a serious beating. By the time I realized my blunder, it was too late. Now, 8 years later, here I am struggling to find a balance.

This week has been really hard. It really is all or nothing with me. My old demons are quickly sliding back into place and the anxiety is building. I nearly cried last night over a spoonful of mashed potatoes. I didn't dare let those pesky taters enter my mouth, but Hubby kept pushing. It was more than I could handle. I'm certain that there have been many days lately that I haven't eaten enough. I'm scared to death to. Cancer, hysterectomy, no children, these are terrifying words that ring in my ears constantly now. They drive the force and push me to pull out measuring cups, and all of my crazy food strategies from the past.

I realize that control was one of the main issues I had with trying to have a baby too. I didn't deal with it well. That is one reason why it took us so long to aggressively seek out medical help. I couldn't relinquish control. I thought that if I just temped more or set my clock better maybe it would work. Obviously it never did.

Sometimes God gives us one problem to help us solve another. I feel like maybe this is His way of helping me learn how to move beyond some of my control issues. Why does this stuff have to be so hard though?

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