Friday, March 28, 2008

We can't "not think about it" can we?

I was sitting here tonight after a refreshing phone call with hubby on his break. I was bored and the silly little computer game I was playing had me frustrated. My latest writing endeavor is still being mapped out and I'm at a road block with it. I want to start crocheting a new blanket with this gorgeous new yarn I found, but honestly I don't have the heart to pull it out. I know if I do it now, I will keep the finished product! I've tried to get back on track with my writing and things lately so we've cut out our television for a while and I find myself twiddling my thumbs more often than not!

The radio was playing and the pups were sprawled at my feet. I was listening to the kids running around outside as the sun set and I was just going through blogs and surfing around. Before I realized what had happened I was sitting there with tears in my eyes and my heart was pounding.

I can't even tell you how I got there.

I managed to find my way to infertility clinics. I was looking up statistics for a new clinic I had not yet seen in a different state. My in laws live there and I couldn't help but shudder a bit at the image of me standing up in front of my class and telling my teacher that I had spent my summer with my in laws while my hubby helped me stab myself every day with hormones just to add a bit of challenge to an already stressful situation! Let's just throw some hormones in there with thousands of dollars and a risky procedure while on vacation eh?!? Anyone care to take an ice pick to their eyes?

I apologize for that tangent. I can't help myself sometimes, but it just goes to further prove my point. I can't help myself. I can't play a silly computer game. I can't listen to the radio or watch a non child related movie. I can't just sit still any more and be alone with myself. I didn't conciously intend to find that site but before I realized it I had already begun to formulate a plan. I had started trying to figure out if I could squeeze in two cycles during summer break and still have time between now and then to get the loan approved. I was trying to decide which in law to tell and whether I would tell them why I was visiting or just plead a need for a break from my family for a bit.

Before I knew it, there I was all worked up and nervous about something I knew I would never do. I'm not ready for that step yet. I've thought about it. I'm not even ready for clomid yet though! In my defense, we are trying to get my migraines under control before we subject my body to any more hormonal stress. It is obvious that with the severity of my migraines (and all three docs agree) that my body isn't handling the current state of my hormones well and to toss in some class A ovulation right now would probably cause my head to explode and frankly, I don't think I'm up to cleaning such a large mess if that were to happen!

Still, as I regained control of my inner infertile addict and told her to behave herself I realized that I never can just not think about it. She is a monster that one! I'm thinking I'm going to have to name her soon. Any ideas???

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