Thursday, March 27, 2008

Heaven does some cool stuff!

I found this article and I couldn't help myself. I clicked on it and read. After the first few sentences I thought I would be satisfied and move on but I was intrigued as I read on and found out she too had PCOS. There were points in her story that while different from my own fertility story, brought out a pang of reality and fear that always hangs in the back of my mind. I think if we are all honest it is what drives us all to the lengths we go sometimes to have a child. It explains the desperation and fear in our hearts.

The basics of her story for those of you who don't have time (although you should take the time! It is a wonderful story!) go as follows...

She and her husband got married fairly quickly and he wanted a large family very badly. She had PCOS and they found it difficult to conceive but through treatments and such (did not go into detail about this) they had a son. Her husband was smitten. He was in love with their son and their lives were full and perfect but of course things had to fall apart somewhere. The husband starts getting a pain in his leg and eventually they find out he has cancer and they have to start chemo immediately but allow them to freeze his sperm beforehand. The doctor will not allow them to try for a second child due to stress until the husband dies but after he dies the woman after several years goes for IVF and has a baby girl that looks much like her father.

By the end of the story I was crying (I do that a lot lately) and I realized that that man understood how precious his time was. Maybe not on a concious level but I think somehow he was aware.

I know that this wasn't really a story about infertility per se but I think it sums up our desperation. We see the numbers. We are faced with choices and statistics and odds every day. We have seen failure time and time again and we know what that feels like. We start to feel the clock tick. Every tick puts more fear and agony into our hearts. When will we run out of time. Will we be too late? Did we do enough early enough or too little too late? It is heart wrenching and I think it is nature's worst form of torture.

I know for me I feel that there is a second clock. Not only do I feel a clock ticking closer to an age where it is no longer a good idea for me to have a child, but I feel like there is a clock ticking away the moments I will have to spend here with my child. I want to meet my child here right now. I want every nanosecond I can squeeze in there. I want to soak in their scent and pour out my love for as long as I can and I feel like the longer it takes to get them here, the more time I am having to give up with them. The amount of frustration and pain that goes along with this is unbelievable. Sometimes, I feel like I have been swallowed up by it all.

We will have a chance someday to be with our child and I pray every single day. I pray that I remember this feeling. I pray that I never take a second for granted. I pray that I remember to stop and breath in the scent of her (or his) hair whenever I get a chance and to just be happy she (or he) is in my life.

My husband and I have faced so many challenges lately in our marriage and after many hours in the trenches trying to retrace and figure out where we went wrong I think we both realized we are lonely. We aren't lonely for each other. We love each other very much but our house is lonely. We get bored and we seek out other things to occupy our time. We push each other away trying to fill that hollow spot we both have. Once we realized what was happening (again) things have become easier and happier for both of us and we found the strength to go on.

Just a note of rambling and I'm done for a bit....
My new medicine is doing ok. The daily medicine is making me very naseated quite often. I had a post published but it seems it never made it. Oh well. I made it through one very nasty bout of migraines and thought all was good. I even had a visit from AF for about 12 hours I thought but she vanished very quickly. The migraines are creeping back in but there has been a good deal of stress so hopefully we can keep things calm and keep me medicated well enough to make it through. I'm not sure about AF. I'm wondering if the new meds have messed her up or something. I guess time will tell. I'll be sure to keep you posted. In the mean time, Our curtains stay blacked out and you have to tiptoe within 300 feet of our house!

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