Friday, January 9, 2009

Questions and Answers

Guess who showed up this morning? The day after the doctor called wanting to know about my cycle? Argh! What a bitch she is!

I am disappointed of course, but I'm truly relieved at the same time. I have a definitive answer and I can emotionally move past it now. It may not have been the answer I wanted, but it is better than no answer at all.

I do feel much better knowing that I was right and that the clomid did not fail this month like the doctor assumed. My cycle was only 39 days long which for a pcos chick is not bad at all! My shortest provera free cycle was 31 or 32 days. It gives me faith again in my ability to read my body's signs and I know that at least something works for me. Clomid worked great! I am really sad that I will have to stop it, knowing that my body is going to fall apart again. That fact is almost as hard as getting a bfn.

I called the doctor this afternoon and left a message for him just in case it might change his plans. I figured that it would be better to call him and take the embarrassment of being "that neurotic infertile that keeps calling" and perhaps have the opportunity to cycle one more time with Clomid than to sit back and cry about my misfortune.

Regardless of the outcome, Hubby and I are treading in new waters and I can't stand being caught off guard. Those questions that we have been stuffing to the back of the closet for so long are now being pulled out and examined. I was hoping for some advice.

  • Do we talk to a different doctor before moving forward?

  • What are our options for the next step?
Hubby spoke with my doc once a couple of months ago and the doc told him that our next step would not be an IUI and possibly not injectibles. I don't know what else there could be. I'm so scared that he's going to bring us in and charge us a copay to tell us that he can't do anything and then hand us a business card to an RE. We have clung desperately to the hope that we will be successful with my gyn b/c insurance won't cover anything at all once I am "flagged" for ttc. We have been lucky so far to slip under the radar. The idea of paying for visit after visit out of pocket is not in the cards right now (or the bank account!) and we would have to drive over an hour to get to the nearest RE. If this becomes our next step, I guess Hubby and I will just have to stop for a while and stash money for a long while before trying again.

  • We have discussed very seriously the adoption option. I know we will need to step back and financially get our acts together if we do that. I want to know what they look at when you adopt and what it would take for us to explore that option. Do we have to own a home? Income? Credit? Fancy cars? Huge life insurance policies? Kitchen sinks? We're clueless.

I'm just sort of stuck right now. I know we should schedule an appt with the doc soon but to be honest, if he isn't going to let us do another clomid cycle, I think I would rather take a month off before jumping back into all of the heartache. We all talk here about how difficult IF is and it always lingers in every aspect of our lives. For me though, when something like this happens the pain is so acute and intense. It always surprises me at how drained and emotionally fragile I become after a while.

Last night Hubby went to work and I didn't get a chance to tell him about the doc until much later when he got off of work. I came home and sobbed for several hours. I just needed to get it out I guess. I started to cry and I couldn't stop. It hurt so much to keep that pain on the surface that long but it was such a release. I allowed myself to hurt and I feel better about stuff today.

As an aside, I don't know if all that crying caused my current eye issues or not but omg! My eyes are so puffy and heavy feeling. I can't open them all the way today and they burn. I've been working on a new writing project this week, I haven't been sleeping well, and I have new glasses. I suppose it could just be some serious eye fatigue? Totally sucks though b/c I love new writing projects and I come home giddy at the thought of filling up the blank pages again. I'm afraid my eyes aren't going to cooperate much tonight though. Grrr!

I'll keep ya posted. Thanks in advance for any advice you can give us!


alicia said...

ohh sweetie! I am so sorry. boo on af! I really hope your Dr has some solutions for you before you have to go to the RE. I would make an appointment with him and reallly talk things out with him, before deiciding no more clomid or moving to a different treatment.

for adoption, at least here, they don't care if you have a nice house, and nice car. What they are looking for in your house is that it has enough space for a child to live in it, so a room for them and a place for them at the table kinda thing. It didn't matter if we owned or rented, but they do look at your finances. They want to make sure you are not on the brink of bankrupcy or anything. They also want to see you have a plan for your money, so even if you don't have a lot, the amount you do have you know how to managae and control and save!

Good luck with all the decision making you are doing! thinking of you.

Michelle said...

I hate AF! I am sorry all this is happening to you. I don't know anything about adoption. I know we went from clomid to injectibles (alone) and then we tried an IUI and now I am going to try one more round of injectibles before going to IVF. I know money is such a big factor. Does you insurance pay for the meds. Mine pays for the meds and I just have to pay 50.00 out of pocket for them. I say it never hurts to get a second opinion and it would probably be good to take a month off and weigh your options and get your mind right. I hope it works out for you. Hang in there!

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

My only assvice is to meet with your RE and see what he's got to say--then make your decisions. Its a lot easier to know all your options then decide than to be second guessing. ((HUGS))

Photogrl said...

Stupid AF!

If you're comfortable with this doc, hear him out. If not, maybe it's time to move on. As for options, Clomid is the first plan of attack, but there are a few others before moving to injectibles.

But if you're unhappy with this doc, you might be better off moving on to an RE. More expensive, yes, but their whole job is to get YOU pregnant.

I'm never against taking a break. I find that it allows DH and I to reconnect without so much pressure, you know? I'm currently in the middle of a six month break, and for the most part, I'm enjoying it!