Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Why the Guilt?

Hubby and I have carefully avoided discussions of babies and doctors and such lately. With six years of this crap under our belts already, we are no strangers to ttc break protocol. I secretly watch for little signs to tell me how my cycle is going while desperately fighting the urge to pick up my thermometer. We have relations often, but the afterglow is very strained as we search for something other than "Go fellas go!" to chant. Every year around this time we do this. Most of the time it is due to winter blues gripping me like a vice until March buttercups shine their golden goodness melting away all of the ice and gloom.

I always struggle with an icky sense of guilt when we take a break. I shouldn't. I chose this and I am grateful to have a little while to breathe.It always creeps up slowly as the first cycle of our break ticks by. A brief moment of panic takes over and I have to force myself to put the thermometer back and just let things be. After that initial wave of fear, I realize that I rather enjoy having a break. Hubby and I enjoy each other immensly during this time and seek each other out for comfort and conversation. I tend to seek out activities that keep me in the same room with Hubby and he goes out of his way to do things that make me smile.

I feel like I have this huge wad of pressure and anxiety that I have managed to stuff into a shoe box for a while so that I can see out into the world again. I can sit alone with myself for extended periods of time and I work hard to pamper myself and heal the previous battle's scars.

But.... there is always a but...

That guilt is like a shadow, lurking in the dark to hunt me down and devour me. I feel like I shouldn't enjoy this time at all. I feel like the clock is ticking and I am just sitting around wasting precious seconds. It is so frustrating. I work hard to look past it, and I think I do a good job. Still, there are occasions when I find myself sitting alone in the dark arguing internally.

I guess this is just another corner of life that infertility has taken claim over.


Shalini said...

I'm sorry you're feeling guilty for taking a break. I am much the same. A break is more time that flies, a break means I am one month older... it never ends. Infertility and IVF consumes my soul, twists it into something bitter and angry. I hope things go well for you after your break. Cheers

alicia said...

I am glad you are taking a break and are pampering yourself and getting some needed time with Hubby. I am sorry the guilt is trying to rob you of that joy, that totally sucks, but it makes sense. It does feel like a waste of time, and I know you know this, but it really isn't wasted time because you are working on yourself right now, and that is such a good thing to do, espeacially when you are feeling down! take care!

Anonymous said...

Don't feel guilty for taking a break - you deserve it! It's always nice to take time off, but I have a confession. It always sits in the back of my mind as well. All of it. So even breaks aren't really breaks! Haha - we can do it though. I say have a blast on your break!!!