Surprise

The great secret has been revealed over at Mel's L&F for Monday. I can't tell you much more, I just hope you will head on over and find it. I'm sorry for being so obscure, but you will understand once you get there. If you aren't sure what you are looking for, here is a clue: anon.

Sugar

My mom went to the doctor several days ago and her sugar level was high. I think her fasting level was somewhere around 320. The doc didn't put her on any medication or anything just yet. He wanted her to cut out a few things first and see if it didn't set her straight before he slapped her with a diagnosis.

I went with her to the doctor that morning. She was nervous about her blood work. She hates doctors, so she came up with the excuse that we were going to go and work on her classroom so that I would go with her. I put on a big smiley face and bought her a diet soda. I told her that going without sugar wasn't that hard at all once you got used to it. There are whole wheat pastas and breads that help, and most of that other stuff is bad for you anyway.

However, when I got home that night I climbed into bed and just laid there with my eyes closed thinking about it. I've thought about it nearly every day since. I heard her last night talking to the preacher at church about how she misses potatoes and how hard all of it is. I wanted to scream at her and I wasn't sure why. I thought about it last night and came to two conclusions...

One, I need her to be ok. I need for her sugar level to get better almost as much as she does. It terrifies me to see myself in her and know that this may be the road I am forced to go down. My sugar has always been very low, but with PCOS that could change at any moment. My mother had PCOS too, although she never got an official diagnosis, because the only times she went to the lady doctor was for pregnancy check ups and when she was almost dead from blood loss. I hope I have taken steps early to help avoid the whole diabetes thing later on in life, but it is still really scary.

Two, she hates her new diet and is quick to tell you that. This is where I know I am being hard on her, but I can't help how I feel about it. I get a bit annoyed with her thinking it is the end of the world. I've been cutting sugar for three years now. In the beginning I guess I did say stuff once in a while about it. I talked a lot about the new foods that I had found to eat as replacements for my old favorites. She makes it seem like it is horrible to cut back on her sugar and buy diet sodas. It is just a way of life for me, and unfortunately, in a house with a sugar addicted husband, it is a very difficult battle to fight. I tend to fail miserably, but I know I am pretty hard on myself with it, despite two doctors telling me to lighten up a bit on my sugar free ways.

My grandmother's best friend lived right beside her for many years. Her husband had diabetes among other things, and I watched him struggle with it my entire childhood. His health deteriorated dramatically when I was a teenager, and it scared me. As soon as I found out what PCOS was, I remember instantly picturing that man, sitting in his chair with those special socks on, scowling while he ate his breakfast. I didn't want to be like that, and I strove for sugar free perfection in the beginning because of him.

Right now it is summer and like everyone else, we are having a hard time financially, so a lot of the healthier options have taken a back seat to cheaper meals that fill us up more quickly. Hubby quit smoking a couple of months ago and has replaced his habit with a very sweet tooth, which I tend to give in to. I know once my routine is back in order when school starts, I will get back on track, but it doesn't ease my fears at all.

Do you find yourself struggling to eat healthier and what are some ways that you combat money woes to buy the more expensive sugar free options?

I should probably mention my new job...

Yes, I already have a job, two actually, but one of those jobs requires a piddly three hours a week, and I am still in the midst of a vacation from the other one. When school starts back, I am going to go back as a student this year also, but I am up for the challenge! Why?

This job lets me write!

I can finally check writer off my list of things to do. Granted, I'm not pumping out best sellers or anything like that, but I am offered a fee for my writing abilities, and I love it! In typical writing style, I will never make a fortune at this job, but I am also trying to pace my hours a bit to reflect what I will be able to do when school starts. Right now I put in about four hours a night, which isn't bad. The best part is that I can sit at home in my cushy comfy chair and write in my pjs, taking breaks whenever I need to.

I was afraid that the relaxed pace would cause me to work less, but on the contrary, I find it very easy to write throughout the day, when I get a little free time. I have a goal set each day for the amount of work I will get done, and I work towards it all day, finally pounding out the last few sentences before going to bed.

Oh yeah, and ummm.... in the very near future, expect a great surprise! Well, I hope it is a great surprise anyhow...

Ummm, I should probably save you a bit of suspense and let you know that it will not be wrapped in Pampers and require milk. Nu-uh, no-way. I can't imagine throwing a baby into the mix right now with three jobs, and a collegiate future ahead of me! I am nuts, but I have to draw the line somewhere.

Nightmare

I dreamed last night that my sister was pregnant. It was horrible. She told me to take a ride around town with her, so I agreed, and before we pulled out of the parking lot she had angrily informed me that "Ugh, she was pregnant."

The dream was one of those vivd surreal kind of dreams that you get wrapped up in and wake needing several moments to separate reality from dream. I still had that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, and for a while thought that I was dreaming about waking from a nightmare to escape the icky reality that my sister was going to have a baby.

I've always had this deep dark fear that she would have a baby first. I'm not sure why. It feels like it's my birthright to get to have the first baby, and I loathe the thought that she could take that from me. My fears used to be distant and far into the future, until this happened. Go ahead, read it. I'll wait.

Well, if you skipped the link, I'll give you the short version. Several months ago, my sister had a very uneducated scare and turned to me for advice and help. I tried to be the good big sister, but I was angry and for whatever reason, I felt threatened. I think she learned her lesson, but I still hear a tiny voice in the back of my head sometimes that unkindly points out that I may not be the first.

In this dream, my sister was appalled at the inconvenience of a pregnancy, and wanted to take it to the "baby store" (this was a really horrid dream), but my dad wouldn't let her. I dreamed that Hubby and I went out to eat the next day and I burst into tears causing us to leave. We knew the father of the baby and he was unconcerned with the situation, which made it worse. The worst part of the whole dream though was this desperate desire to scream out to all of them that we were the ones that deserved that baby, and that it should belong to us.

I woke up disoriented and then grumpy. I'm not allowed to have normal nightmares of swamp monsters or big scary bugs. Nope. Not only do I face the pain and torment of infertility, but I have to dream about it too! Even when we have to put ttc on the back burner for a while, it still eats away at my heart every single day.

I've been up to something...

And it's a secret!

For now anyway.

Actually, I have been up to a lot of somethings lately, but the most important one for you all is in the works. I need some help though. I need a masthead. I made the header I currently have up, but this one needs to be different. I should be able to track down someone and pay them to make one for me, but Hubby and I are in a bit of a financial pickle right now and there's no way I could do that. If anyone has any ideas, please, please let me know.

Ok, service announcement over, here's the other somethings....

I've become quite the avid gardener lately. My dad made me a box to plant a tomato plant or two in, but I ended up with 9 pepper plants and two tomato plants. I was worried about the amount of sunlight we got up on the balcony and the size of my box, but so far things are growing beautifully. I have a pepper plant called a rainbow pepper. It will grow bell peppers of all colors at the same time! I can't wait for them to start coming in! Also, the tiny green sprouts you see are flowers. I had some seeds left over from a church project and I decided to sprinkle them in the bare spots to see what happened.

The majority of my days have been spent pouring over a blank screen for hours on end. I finally worked past my block and with the new found freedom in my mobile computer friend, my creative juices are flowing again (thank goodness!). I love having the time during the summer to write for hours on end!

When I am not outside admiring my green beauties or whittling my fingers down to nubs on the keyboard, I am on the phone arguing with various personnel about financial aid and course requirements. The school I am attending is smaller than the one I went to in SC and their nonchalance over my academic future is more than a little infuriating. I called this afternoon for the third time about a page they say I am missing and the lady on the other end of the line told me that it was probably just nothing that it takes a few days for them to get it all together. Well that would be perfectly fine if someone hadn't put a note into my file online telling me that a paper was missing. Grr. I guess I will try again tomorrow.

So anyhoo, How's your summer? I want to hear all the juicy stories! Spill it!

A Late Night Visit

I usually let the pups go out one last time before Hubby and I retire for bed. We are night owls, especially during the summer, and it is usually well past midnight when we decide to pack it in. The pups are very well behaved and well trained so we don't have any qualms about letting them go out unleashed for this late night romp.

Last night, I drew the short straw and stood guard outside on the balcony while they took care of business. I caught something out of the corner of my eye and thought it was one of the dogs coming around the corner of the building. I turned to see a bushy tail slink past the lamplight. It wasn't one of the pups.

The critter walked up to the sidewalk just underneath our balcony and sprawled out in front of me. It was very relaxed and just sat there staring up at me. I thought at first it was a cat, but as my eyes adjusted to the dim light I realized it was a small gray fox.

I stood there, unable to move. We just stared at each other, soaking in the presence of one another. I realized that this would be a moment I would never forget and didn't dare break the magic despite my overwhelming desire to reach for the camera inside.

He stood several minutes later and walked over to a tree in the middle of our yard. He turned and stared for a minute or two more before sauntering off back into the wooded underbrush at the edge of the property.

I immediately thought about the pups and called for them to come back in. I worried that they would spook the fox and someone would cause a ruckus, but they came bounding up the stairs oblivious to our visitor.

Tonight, I will be more cautious about letting the pups out to wander free, but i will also have my eyes peeled for a chance to see my new friend again. I wish I had been able to snap a picture of him for you to see, but I'm sure that would have spooked him and I would never see him again. Now that I know he is around, I will make a point to be more aware when I am outside. Maybe, just maybe, I can snap a shot of him next time.

This is a picture of what he looked like. When he sprawled out lazily on the sidewalk, he just happened to lay in the pool of light thrown down by our security lights. His markings were beautiful and I could just make out the slight hints of red and white highlighting his fur.

Image found here: www.usbr.gov/mp/ccao/berryessa/photo_gallery/index.html

So That's What We've Been Doing Wrong!

Sunday morning I crawled out of bed and braced myself for the tireless antics of the three year olds I keep at church. I usually watch them during the main service and then cross the hall to help the lady in the baby nursery during Sunday School.

When Sunday School was over, one of my very precocious three year olds popped in with his mom to pick up his 12 week old baby brother. I jokingly told him that I had decided to take "little brother" home with me. He responded with a very protective "No." I laughed and teased him a bit more. He told me in no uncertain terms that "little brother" was his and lived at his house.

He turned towards his mom, but stopped halfway between the two of us, turned back around to face me, and said, "You should get you a little brother."

Intrigued and a glutton for punishment, I couldn't resist, "Oh really?"

"Uh-huh. You just go to de zoo, and you get one."

I couldn't say a word without bursting into a million giggles. I managed to muster a weak, "The zoo huh?"

By this time everyone in the room had stopped and was watching him. He was very serious and sure of his answer though. He pointed to the Noah's ark wallpaper we have up in the nursery and said, "See dem diraffes and de elephants, you got to go der where dey are and dat's where babies come from. Dat is where we got little brother."

I thanked him very politely for his wealth of information and assured him that I would try my very best to arrange a trip to the zoo in the near future.

Ladies, we finally have the answer! We've been doing it right, just in the wrong places apparently. Grab your husbands and head to the nearest zoo! I'll meet ya there!