Nightmare

I dreamed last night that my sister was pregnant. It was horrible. She told me to take a ride around town with her, so I agreed, and before we pulled out of the parking lot she had angrily informed me that "Ugh, she was pregnant."

The dream was one of those vivd surreal kind of dreams that you get wrapped up in and wake needing several moments to separate reality from dream. I still had that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, and for a while thought that I was dreaming about waking from a nightmare to escape the icky reality that my sister was going to have a baby.

I've always had this deep dark fear that she would have a baby first. I'm not sure why. It feels like it's my birthright to get to have the first baby, and I loathe the thought that she could take that from me. My fears used to be distant and far into the future, until this happened. Go ahead, read it. I'll wait.

Well, if you skipped the link, I'll give you the short version. Several months ago, my sister had a very uneducated scare and turned to me for advice and help. I tried to be the good big sister, but I was angry and for whatever reason, I felt threatened. I think she learned her lesson, but I still hear a tiny voice in the back of my head sometimes that unkindly points out that I may not be the first.

In this dream, my sister was appalled at the inconvenience of a pregnancy, and wanted to take it to the "baby store" (this was a really horrid dream), but my dad wouldn't let her. I dreamed that Hubby and I went out to eat the next day and I burst into tears causing us to leave. We knew the father of the baby and he was unconcerned with the situation, which made it worse. The worst part of the whole dream though was this desperate desire to scream out to all of them that we were the ones that deserved that baby, and that it should belong to us.

I woke up disoriented and then grumpy. I'm not allowed to have normal nightmares of swamp monsters or big scary bugs. Nope. Not only do I face the pain and torment of infertility, but I have to dream about it too! Even when we have to put ttc on the back burner for a while, it still eats away at my heart every single day.