Fear

We had a little scare last night. It was nothing major. Thankfully, I've read thousands of things over the years about early pregnancy and all of the things that go with it. I know that it's normal, but it didn't stop the tears from flowing and the feeling of despair from creeping in. I started spotting last night. It was the teeniest amount. It was what I call tp or toilet paper spotting. I called hubs last night. He was at a friend's house building a computer for him. He kept me on speaker phone so that he could feel close to me until I fell asleep a couple of hours later.

This morning when I got up, it had stopped, but hubs insisted I take the day off and stay in bed. I've pushed myself pretty hard this week and I was exhausted, so I didn't argue. The spotting did start up for a few hours today again, but it is tapering off again and still isn't anymore than just some pink tp spotting. I did put a call in to the doc and his nurse, a lady that has been there through the thick of it for 6 years with us, assured me that this sounded very classically like implantation of the placenta and that I should stop worrying. She made me feel so much better about something completely out of my control and I am once again truly thankful for my doctor and his staff. My doc is also on call at the hospital this weekend, so she assured me if anything happened I could call the hospital and I would get him.

Poor hubs was a mess. He's so scared. I try really hard to be encouraging and positive for him, but truth is I'm terrified too. I hate that we are so jaded by disappointment to enjoy this and feel comforted by a doctor's words. The nurse assured me that nothing I did could have caused this and that if I wanted to take it easy a few days that was a good idea but only because it might ease my fears, not because it would make much difference. Still I find myself scared to do anything. I didn't want to cook today or clean up the house. I don't even want to sneeze for fear of hurting something or triggering an avalanche.

I feel the need to explain myself to people. I feel silly for our overreaction to every twinge or tug. After ten years of repeated heartbreak it is so hard to accept that we might finally have a happy ending. We tiptoe around the issue, both waiting for the other shoe to fall. It sounds silly, but disappointment is almost comforting. It isn't surprising. We are usually braced for it and know how to handle it. Hope, and faith are much harder to embrace.

I plan on resting a lot this weekend and working to stay positive and as worry free as possible. For now, everything is a wait and see situation. I wish I could blink and find myself on the other side of this first trimester when everything is so touch and go. I believe this pregnancy is just another challenge of my faith and trust. Hopefully, I can pass through it quickly and look forward to what I pray is a happy ending.