Monday, February 25, 2013

Wings for Espe

We joined a new club today. I think we both knew yesterday, but we tried to stay positive for each other. Our precious angel is gone. There are just no words for how hard this is. I know he was so small and early, but he was so incredibly loved by both of us and we have prayed and tried for so long. The ache is almost unbearable.

I was afraid we would regret telling everyone and living it up, but now I am so, so thankful. We cherished every single second. We loved this baby from the first moment and I know he left us loved and cared for. He was no less a part of my life than anyone I have had with me here on Earth.

The world seems so cruel right now. Thankfully, the process itself is almost over. I had a lot of pain yesterday. I tried to keep that from hubs until we knew. Today there is no pain and very little bleeding. There is this overwhelming emptiness. It goes beyond an emotional emptiness. There is a physical emptiness too. I still have morning sickness and all of the other symptoms, which is one of the cruelest things so far. I automatically took up placing my hand on my belly within days of knowing. It gave me joy and peace of mind. Now touching my belly which I still unconsciously do is heartbreaking. I don't think I will ever be able to erase the image of the empty ultrasound from my mind. He didn't even have to tell us. The baby was just gone.

God gave us a precious gift though. Hubs snuck his phone in Saturday at the hospital and recorded our ultrasound. We have the heartbeat and five minutes of video showing our beautiful little baby. It is a priceless treasure and I hope hubs knows how precious his gift is for me. Within an hour of that video, our baby was gone. I thank God for that blessing too. I can't look at it now, but I know I will always have it.

I decided that even though our baby was so early and we have no physical evidence of him save some medical paperwork and the ultrasounds we needed a name for this baby. I need him to have a place here. We decided on "Espe". This is short for Esperanza which means hope which this baby most certainly gave us. We had honestly lost all hope and this baby gave that back to us. Esperanza is normally a girl's name, but Espe will serve just fine for a boy which is what we felt it was.

We loved him so much.

Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers. Thank you for being there since the beginning of this too. The support and knowledge I have found here with this community has already helped us so much and I know it will help us through this hurdle and on to the next.


Michelle said...

So sorry for your loss. I'm thinking of you.

Jen said... so sorry for your loss. I so understand the heartache as well. Thinking of you and your hubs during this difficult time. Big hugs!

Amanda said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I just saw that you had good news the other day, and now, much too soon it's over. It is cruel. I hope that you continue to find comfort through this.

Anonymous said...

I am so very sorry for your loss...there are no words and I wish I could say something that will make the pain go away but there are none...take it day by day and grieve for as long as you need.

Rosita Designs said...

i don't even know what to say. i stumbled upon your blog, and feel compelled to say something. i'm sorry. this sucks worse than the biggest thing that has ever sucked. and, don't let anyone tell you it doesn't suck.

i've had 2 MCs, but not after trying for 10 years, so in a way, i know the feeling of emptiness, loss of hope (which is what we named our baby, too), but in other ways, i have no friggin' idea. i just finally, after 2 years, decided to tell my story. if you'd like to read it, you can check out my blog.

again - so sorry you have to go through this - i wish i could say something profound and awesome - but, truly, there are no words.