Tuesday, May 21, 2013


Today, according to the dates I have down, I am seven weeks. I know to most people that doesn't seem like much of a milestone, but we never quite made it to seven weeks with Espe. The last u/s they did of him showed him at 6 wks 4 days. It is hopefully the first of many wonderful milestones we will get to experience in the next few months.

This weekend was really scary for us. Saturday I woke up to some cramping and a bright red smear on the toilet paper. My heart broke in two and I just lost it. Thursday and Friday I had seen just the teeniest bit of brown. I took it really easy at work and it subsided. I thought it was fine. Then Saturday happened. I was so afraid that we were going to experience a repeat. I called the ob on call and he reassured me that everything was most likely fine. He told us that there was no real need to go to the ER if it did get worse, but to take it easy and go in for a visit with my regular ob on Monday. I planted myself on the couch and we waited.

It stopped Saturday night. I was still cramping some, so I opted not to go to church on Sunday (translation: Hubs practically glued me to the couch and refused to let me go anywhere). Still I had no issues Sunday. It never went beyond just a slight discoloration on the toilet paper, but the fear and dread was overwhelming. I was so afraid. Thankfully, it's almost Wednesday and things seem to be okay for now. I know that can change at any second though and I hate that I'm so fearful.

I did call my doc. I talked to the nurse and we both agreed that since things had stopped, it wasn't really necessary for me to come in. She scheduled me an appointment for the 30th of May. I told her we were really planning on waiting and she just repeated the May 30th appointment when I would be 8 weeks and giggled. Hubs and I are both terrified to go to the doctor though. I'm not sure why. I think part of it is fear that we will fall in love with something we might lose again. Seeing that first picture of Espe was unbelievable. We are both scared this time to connect as strongly right now with this one, although I already love her with just as much passion as I had with Espe.

I think for now, I am just going to be thankful for and enjoy each second as it passes, knowing the next could change our lives forever.

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