The Controls

I think for me one of the hardest parts of this whole infertility journey is the lack of control. As I struggle through the normal difficulties that life presents, I am forced to hand over control of the most basic desire for any woman. Granted, I realize that all women are at the mercy of fate when it comes to having children, however for infertile women, there isn't even a level of control with the amount of disclosure we are willing to give all sorts of people on the most intimate aspects of our lives.

Sure there are doctors that probe and question our methods. There are plans, pills, and opinions. The appointments are intrusive and frustrating and often I am left feeling exposed and confused. But there are also the voices of family members, friends, and sometimes not quite acquaintances. Those voices that insist on making sure you understand their feelings and concerns. You know, so that when you are struggling to create your family, you will be sure to consider their desires before making any decisions (but that's a whole other post).

During such a whirlwind of uncertainty, as an infertile, I am forced to follow a strictly controlled protocol of medicines, times, temps, and do's and don'ts. It is as if I am caught in the force field between two repelling magnets, being pulled first one way then the other. Then, as if this isn't enough to cope with, someone brilliant genius pipes in with those ill fated words.... Just relax!

A Spoonful of Sugar

For the past few months I've really been struggling with some things. I tried, as I am unfortunately wont to do sometimes, to handle things on my own, but I think it got out of hand a bit. During our latest vacation with the in laws, my anxiety got the best of me and now I am really struggling to keep my head above water.

When Hubby and I met, I had some serious issues with anxiety and I was under the care of a doctor that thought the solution to every problem was more medication. I was a terrified zombie. None of the meds worked well and I could barely function. When we got married, I took a huge step and came off of them. I've worked really hard to stay off of them ever since.

I think I feel like if I go back on meds, I am a failure, like I let these irrational thoughts get the best of me; but I have to function, and right now I'm not doing so great at that. I look at my schedule this past semester and then forward to the fall schedule I am about to have to tackle and meds don't look like a bad idea anymore. At least I could make it through an exam without falling apart.

This is where infertility once again takes a firm stand in every aspect of my life. Hubby and I have seriously looked at adoption. We have a plan in place even. It is a long term plan, but a plan nonetheless. I don't want to jeopardize that. I've noticed on the criteria for several international adoption areas (namely China) that anxiety or depression meds can disqualify you. I hate to think that because I don't have my act together now, I will ruin our chances of adopting a baby in the future. I also wonder how anxiety issues would affect a domestic adoption or sway the vote when doing the initial home study and such for any adoption.

I would really like some input about this. I'm trying to work through things on my own, but with the school semester starting in less than a month, I think talking to my doctor might be a good idea. I have to keep telling myself that I would not be a good mother - even to future children that we may or may not have - if I didn't take care of myself during the process. It's hard being a mother to a child you can't have yet.

Ode to Provera

Dear, dear provera!

I'm so sorry that we parted ways for so long. I will never allow myself to be found drifting through the red seas without you again! I am so grateful that you willingly came back into my life without any grudges or anger. How could I ever have been stupid enough to believe that I could cope with that dreadful aunt of mine without you by my side?

Thank you ever so much for promptly dismissing that nasty ole' acne and her hideous lack of social grace and timing! Thank you for helping me remain calm and control my wacky mood swings! (Hubby thanks you for that as well!) I appreciate the remedy you supplied me for those horrible hot flashes (just in time for July too!). I also underestimated the amount of support you offered me when fighting those terrible urges to consume mass quantities of icky sugar and carbs. Thank you so much for all you do!

I now realize that no matter how much I loathe visits from dear ole' Auntie Flo, it is imperative for our family's future that she visit as scheduled each month and I can't thank you enough for helping me beat her into submission when she does pop in for a few days.

I really wish you wouldn't cramp my style quite as much as you do, and the whole hair falling out thing is a bit much don't ya think, but I guess you were right, it is July and it needed a bit of thinning anyway. I guess no friendship is perfect right?

I look forward to seeing you in the coming days. Stay close and expect me to call on you regularly from now on!

Sincerely,
She who remains childless (for now)

Negative

I have a secret. I haven't taken my provera since April. It started out innocent enough. I just put off getting the script refilled for a few days, then a week went by. I wanted to set my visit from af up for a better week of the month I kept telling myself.

April came and went, then May, I held my breath. AF never once reared her ugly head. Red flags should have been screaming at me to take my meds, but I opted out for the underdog - hope. I stopped at the store on multiple occasions to buy a test, but chickened out every time. What's the harm in another week I would think.

June came into focus and I started to get a little nervous. Hubby finally said something and we both agreed I should test. I did once. I threw it away after two minutes, came back later for a shower and there were two lines. I rolled my eyes and waited another week.

Which brings me to today....

I thought I would burst as I waited in line, still in my pajamas at the dollar store just down the street from our house. I had to pee so terribly bad, but I just needed to get through the checkout line. Of course there were six people in front of me, and one cashier. I've never had to wait in line at this store for more than one or two people and I've lived here my whole life!

Got home, finally got the drops into the test, pulled out a wad of tp, and after three stinking months, there she is. Yes af had dropped by. I'm sure she was just dying to see the look of disappointment on my face as I stared at the stark white window.

Hope hopped on a plane and flew to another country this morning.

Unfortunately, this isn't the most horrible part of this whole mess. I was on provera to keep things out of my uterus, namely cancer. I haven't taken it in more than three months. I can scarcely breathe when I think about the buildup of sick cells in my body right now. How could I have been so stupid? I've called in my script already and I guess we'll start over, but this time there will be no hope in this house to get us through the tough times.

Inquiring Minds

Every year it happens. I am usually more prepared and handle the situation better than I did today. Usually, the questions don't probe as deeply as they did today. Normally, I can manage to smile and walk away with only a medium size butcher knife in my heart. Today, none of that happened.

I work in an elementary school. Most of the kids in my school are poor and come from broken homes. I'm always shocked at how long it takes for them to put it together that Mr. Hubby and Mrs. Arian really are married. Unfortunately, once that happens, the questions begin to surface and I try to tuck tail and run.

Today two of my favorite students were in lunch. Out of the blue one of them said to the other "Don't you think Mrs. Arian should be pregnant?" The other girl nodded and they looked up at me as if they had just stumbled on the greatest idea ever.

Mrs. Arian, do you have a son or daughter?
No sweetie, I don't.
But you should. Everyone has a son or daughter. Why don't you?
I'm not sure.
Well, you would be a great mom. You should talk to Mr. Hubby.
Oh yeah?
Yeah. How long have you and Mr. Hubby been married?
7 years.
Wow! That's a long time. Don't you want a son or daughter Mrs. Arian?
Yes, I want one very much, but it just isn't the right time.
Well, we think you should have a baby.
I'll see what I can do.

These conversations absolutely break my heart. I love my kids and I love their innocence. I wish it was that easy.

Floaties

I knew I should have invested in those extra swimming lessons last summer! It is seriously nuts where we live right now! Thank the Lord I am home finally, and only my socks and shoes are dripping wet.

My dad and I had planned on rehearsing some music for Mother's Day (I got conned into playing for the service and I usually skip church on that day altogether!). I left around 4 o'clock to meet him at the church before evening services.

When I pulled into the church parking lot I was shaking all over and crying. I ran into four spots on the main highway in our town that were covered over with water; one of those spots had about 8 inches of water. There are no streams or rivers anywhere near this road, there just wasn't anywhere for the water to run off. I haven't gotten that scared in a long time!

After church my parents followed me home and we took a different route. My sister called us before we left. The town she worked in was under a forced 6pm curfew and the police came in and shut them down. They put the curfew in place to keep people in their homes and off the roads.

People keep saying "It just happened so fast." I always wondered about that, I mean shouldn't you be able to see water building up? I sing a different tune now. Before I left for church, it had only been raining about a half hour. Within half an hour, roads that had never ever flooded and were no where near a water source were under water. It really did happen before anyone had a chance to react.

Please pray for everyone in Tennessee and the surrounding areas that are affected by all this water. Thank goodness Hubby and I live in one of the highest areas of our town, and our town hasn't been devastated. Many towns were not so fortunate. One woman that was rescued today escaped with nothing but the sweatpants and t shirt she had on. She didn't even have any shoes. Another woman and her two very small children were stranded in an attic. Her mother pleaded with news reporters who broadcast her cries to save her daughter and grandchildren. They could hear them screaming for help, but could not get to them. Thankfully emergency responders managed to get through and rescue them in time.

Schools here are closed tomorrow and hopefully waters will recede throughout the week. Until then, I'm wearing my floaties to bed!

The One That Got Away

In the first year Hubby and I were married, we were certain we would get pregnant right away. We were young and very naive about the ways of the world and about raising a child. We got married in January and Hubby enlisted in March. He thought it would be the best thing to do for his family, so he packed me up, sent me to my grandmother's house and flew off to basic.

He never made it past the first week. The recruiters had tried to slip him under the radar I guess and never told anyone about his left eye. Hubby has near blindness in that eye and a degenerative genetic disease. Once he got to basic, they took one look at his eye and sent him home.

It took 22 days for him to be processed out of the army and back at home. During that time, one of my best friends died, my grandmother, unknown to any of us, began the first stages of dementia, and my hormones started doing somersaults. When he got back, there was so much going on that neither of us thought anything about children for a couple of months.

One day he brought it up out of the blue, "Umm when was your last period?"

Half an hour later, we were sitting in my grandmother's bathroom with a test. It was positive. We were so sure I was pregnant. We were over the moon.

It took a couple of weeks to get in to see a doctor, by that point I had already started and stopped bleeding. I went anyway. They did bloodwork and it came back negative. They did an exam and the doctor said "Well whatever was there, if it was there is gone now. Want some birth control pills?" I politely refused, dressed, and ran out of there. I was uneducated in what to expect, what had happened to me, and how to respond to a terrible doctor that saw me as uninsured and unimportant."

We don't talk about that time in our lives now. One of my best friends found out she was pregnant a few months before all of it happened and I don't even talk to her now. Her baby has already started school and they have another on the way. I avoid looking at pictures of her little boy. I just can't bear to see him.

Knowing now what my body has gone through, I'm not sure we were truly pregnant, but it sure felt like it. The loss was there and it hurt so much. Still, I don't tell people about it. I don't talk about it and I don't join into loss discussions. I don't feel like I belong.

I do think about it often though. I think about that baby and what it would have looked like. I imagine what life would be like if we had a child about to graduate kindergarten and I wonder how different our lives would be.

My friend is at 22 weeks now and the doc has put her on bedrest. I see her online every day and I try hard every single time to work up the courage to say hi. I just can't. I put up a wall around that part of my life and I'm not strong enough to break it down. I know if I talked to her it would open up a floodgate for the past to come pouring in. I feel guilty, but I can't move past the fear.

I feel more anger than anything. I wish I had never taken that test. I wish I had never dared to hope that the things I was feeling were real. How can I grieve for a child when I don't truly know if they were there in the first place? How can I not grieve when there is a chance?