Friday, December 5, 2008

I hate to interrupt the fun and all but....

If you are wondering about gingerbread and laughing children please visit my other posts. This one has none of that. At least not for me.

I put up our Christmas tree tonight. This is always an emotional thing for me. I always debate putting one up, and I always give in. There is one moment that is always the deal breaker for me. I imagine myself curling up on the couch in front of the tree with quiet carols humming in the background. I love that one moment I always manage to steal for myself when I can just be. It is so peaceful and serene and I cannot bear the thought of missing that.

Hubby had to go in late tonight and I was left alone to decorate the tree. As I placed the ornaments on the tree, tears filled my eyes. Our ornaments feel so empty. Don't get me wrong, our tree is always beautiful and I love the ornaments I have collected over the years. We do have a few that mean a lot to me and warm my heart as I hang them on the tree. Still, there are no crooked cottonball snowmen or pipe cleaner candy canes. We have no "Baby's first" ornaments or handprints dangling amidst the twinkling lights.

Hubby and I will be the only ones to enjoy our tree. I go to all that work just for us. The emptiness in that moment each year is overwhelming. I hate it. I am so frustrated that we will not have any gifts under that tree. We won't toil away assembling plastic pieces in a frenzy, reading greek directions and scratching our heads. The hope and warm fuzzies aren't as full or warm for us. It makes me sad and weighs down my heart so much. There are times when that ache becomes so intense and I began to pray and wish for the season to quickly end so we can go on pretending again that we are happy just the way we are.

This is not enough for us though is it? Of course not. We are planning a last Christmas. It is the most heartwrenching thing I have experienced. I fight groping for every fraction of time I can get while resisting the urge to run and hide under the covers in a dark room, hoping I will wake up from this nightmare. The pain etched in all of our faces haunts my dreams at night.

You would think that would fill our quota, but no. Hubby called moments after I had hung the last ornament on the tree and told me that he has been cut down to two or three days a week at best. We don't know if this is a temporary thing or not. They had to cut out their third shift last week and Hubby had to give up his manager status. We were very thankful that he did not get let go, but our sails were deflated with the realization that there were six people displaced that were now scrambling to share hours with other people. I don't know what we are going to do.

Thank goodness our Christmas presents have mostly been purchased. I have some gifts at school, but I can crochet something there and get away with it. We have two family gifts to buy, but they won't cost very much and I'm pretty sure we can scrounge up a bit for that. We are blessed with only utilities and rent to pay. Still there are groceries and gas and Clomid. We also live, unfortunately a fairly meager life as it is, which makes it almost impossible to cut corners on anything without losing something vital.

How can I think of clomid at a time like this? I feel so selfish and silly, but I simply cannot miss a cycle when things are actually working for the first time in my entire life! Why? Why does He decide that we must travel the bumpiest narrowest paths so often? I have to start clomid tomorrow and despite the guilt that I am faced with, I am going to go on and take it. I pray that by the time Sheldon visits again, we will have a solution to this mess, and we can enjoy the holiday and make the most of such an important one for my family.

Hubby is going to start looking first thing Monday for another job I guess. This tiny town has very little to offer right now and there are tons of people already scrambling for work as it is. I pray his manager experience will help and that he can either find something super fast before things hurt too much or that he is given more hours again and we can move on.

We could use a few prayers right now. It breaks my heart to know that there are so many praying the same prayers alongside us. This is supposed to be the happiest time of the year. Seems a little blue to me.


Offshore Wife said...

I wanted to take the time to say hello and I'm so, so sorry. I too suffer from infertility due to PCOS. We are also TTC. This is the second time we have fought the fight against infertility. Round one took 3 years. I too am feeling an empty home and heart this holiday season. Although, I know your pain is much greater. I have walked in your shoes. It sucks. Period. I pray you will find your miracle this season.

Sassy said...

I hear you. It's so hard to have Christmas without children. And my hubby has recently had to do the job search thing too. It sucks, especially so close to Christmas. I really hope he finds a great job soon.

VA Blondie said...

I am sorry you are feeling so bad right now.

I will hold you in my thoughts and prayers.

Michelle said...

I am so sorry about DH job. Every day I go to work holding my breath. I work in the auto industry so it is very tough and anxiety ridden right now. I know the feeling about the tree and this year I have decided not to put one up. We will see if it lasts. I hope everything works out for you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

alicia said...

oh no hun, I am sending some prayers your way. So sorry about your DH's job, what bad timing.

thinking of you