A note for the future...

My precious child:

As I lie here drifting to sleep in the fading light, I cry. I cry silent invisible tears bursting with immeasurable sadness. I gaze upon the starry skies wishing my arms could reach high into the heavens wresting you from its angelic grasp. I would cradle you close and gaze into your beautiful face. I would smile and caress your soft fingers as I took note of your features. You would have Daddy’s nose, and Mommy’s eyes. Your happy coos and grunts would be like heaven’s symphony on my heart.

We would snuggle close drifting asleep together as I dreamed of the parent I would be. I want to feel my heart burst with joy at the sound of your laughter. When you cry I would not only be your shoulder. I would wrap you tight and close with a mother’s love, shielding you from the pain and sorrow you felt. I would be that parent who shows up unexpectedly to class, sitting alone in the back with tears of pride spilling down my face as you read your first “What I did on summer vacation.” I would hug and kiss you no matter your grimace or protest, knowing that someday you would come back to me seeking out hugs and kisses once more.

Someday my child, you will finally find your way into my arms and I pray that you can understand just how very much you are wanted and loved already. I dream every night of the joy you will bring to our lives and I often find myself imagining your personality and the funny quirks you will surely have. I have fought for six long and painful years to find you and bring you home. There have been times when the pain was so immense and I felt I had no more fight to give. Then, your face appears in my heart and I suddenly find the will to stand up and move on. I will never give up on you my angel and every tear, scar, and painful memory will be worth just a moment spent with you in my arms.

Love,
Mama